Umm....

Holy fucking shit!!!!

A is for Awesome

Been a little short on inspiration lately, until I saw what follows. It's a tribute to Sesame Street for the show's 40th anniversary. If you haven't seen this, drop everything and check it out. So awesome. I'll never forget the episode where Mr. Hooper died.



Also, god help me, I am now on Twitter. You can friend me or whatever at rockitqueen13.

I watched the Oscars and all I got was this lousy hangover

So the Oscars. Blah blah blah.

I enjoyed the ceremony. I thought Hugh Jackman was a good host. I thought all the winners were deserving. I cried when Heath Ledger's family accepted his award. I smiled when the lovely Kate Winslet finally got a trophy. I thought all the dancing Indians were great.

And I was drunk off my ass. So of course I loved everything.

The problem with the Oscars is the seven-second delay. It takes all the fun out of it. Imagine if Mickey Rourke had won, for example—the orchestra wouldn't have stopped playing at all. They would have played him onstage and right off. Before the stupid safety delay, all kinds of fun shit went down at the big ceremony. In celebration of the land before Oscar night censorship, let's take a look back at the best unexpected Oscar moments in history

Cher (1986)
No one does bad fashion like Cher...and she does it fabulously. We would expect nothing less. And the most infamous example is the feathered headdress, showgirl glitter-strap crop top, zig-zag skirt and matching wrap thing she wore to

Angelina Jolie (2000)
Nine words: "I'm so in love with my brother right now.

Greer Garson (1942)
Greer won Best Actress for Mrs. Miniver and she also wins for the longest acceptance speech in Oscar history. The little stick man wasn't around to cue up the orchestra while Greer pontificated on the nature of competition for SEVEN FUCKING MINUTES.

Sacheen Littlefeather (1973)
When he won the Best Actor Oscar for The Godfather, Marlon Brando sent a Native American woman to publicly reject the award and not because beached whale Brando couldn't get his giant beluga ass off the sofa to make it to the ceremony. It was a boycott in protest against the mistreatment of American Indians in movies and on TV and at Wounded Knee. Backstage, Sacheen read Brando's 15-page speech to the press. She later took off her Apache garb for Playboy.

Robert Opel (1974)
Robert is a photographer, gallery owner and gay rights activist, but you probably know him as the guy that ran naked across the stage while David Niven was presenting an award. The timing is impeccable—Niven says "And now to divulge the contents of this year's most important envelope is a very important contributor to world entertainment..." then BAM! Peen and a peace sign! For some reason, the music starts up. The Niven quips, "Isn't it fascinating to think that probably the only laugh that man will ever get in his life is by stripping off and showing his shortcomings." Oh, Niven, you lovable old queen you!

Joe Pesci (1990)
I've said it before and I'll say it again. Pesci is my all-time favorite Oscar moment because of what he didn't do, and that is go on and on in his speech thanking his golf caddy, his masseuse, god, buddah, allah, mohammed, xenu and his 50 lawyers. Instead, he accepted his award and said, "This is an honor and a privilege. Thank you."

The end.

I sense conspiracy

Every year I insist on watching the VMAs even though I know it's going to be a geyser of shit.

I do it because I still believe I'm going to miss something big, like somebody falling, a drunken meltdown, or a drug-induced performance fuck-up. Like last year, for example. Remember, if you will, the dazzling spectacle of Britney with her budget weave, lurching around the stage dazed and confused and having either forgotten the lyrics to her own song or forgotten how to lip-sync, her paunchy belly jiggling with each faltering misstep. Now that was some quality television! There's nothing I love more than seeing people humiliating themselves on live national television—unless that person is Britney. Then that is officially the best.

This year, hype indicated that Britty would be attempting her comback *again*, so I was hoping for another glazed, bot-like performance disaster. I waited with baited anticipation for more fabulous Britney embarrassment.

Instead what do we get? We get canned pre-show banter between Brit and Jonah Hill in which Britney is treated as if she is hot again. Come on, people! Have we forgotten already? The weave may have been upgraded just a notch and she got new caps and she may be slightly less bloated than last year, but we all know what's underneath that spackled-on Bobbi Brown Creamy Concealer. We all know the truth!

Next we have the highly-anticipated show opener. But this time, there was no disaster. Instead, Brit simply shuffled out on stage, woodenly repeated some lines off the teleprompter, then turned it over to Rihanna, who launched into a Grace Jones-lite impersonation. Letdown #2!

Then to make matters even worse, the braindead MTV "voters" awarded Britney with three trophies, including Video of the Year for "Piece of Me." OK, letting her have a second chance to embarrass herself less on TV is one thing, but giving her pity trophies is something else all together! Conspiracy! Did you even see that video? It's the shittiest, most phoned-in piece of film of all time. Keep in mind that past winners of Video of the Year include such innovative classics as "Money for Nothing," "Sledgehammer," "Nothing Compares 2 U," "Virtual Insanity" and "Hey Ya." Not to say that other winners of this so-called top award are all sick, as the kids these days say, or even memorable, but "Piece of Me"? Jesus christ...pity awards! Next year, Britney will probably be on trial for chloroforming her kids and they'll give her Video Vanguard.

Ug, my temples are throbbing. It's time to move on from this topic, and discuss the other ongoing theme of the evening that got me in a twist: purity rings.

Yay, hurray for the Jonas Brothers and Jordin Sparks and Hannah Montana for wearing their NoMoHo chastity belt buckles and keeping their no-no holes in their pants until god or Pat Robertson says it's OK. They all probably had a prayer circle backstage and congratulated themselves for winning the lost through pure, innocent song. Kind of makes you want to put in their CDs and fuck someone seven ways to Sunday just for spite. But that's impossible—those songs are real mood-killers.

I especially liked when Jordin stood up for the Purity Police by saying, "It's not bad to wear a promise ring because not everybody—guy or girl—wants to be a slut." What am I, in 5th-grade health class and the school nurse is reminding everyone that it's very important to care about your reputation? Jordin was going to encourage everyone to maintain good posture by walking around the Paramount backlot with a books on their heads, but the orchestra cut her off. Then the Jonas Brothers were supposed to come out and tell us that we're going to get hair in new places on our bodies and Hannah Montana was going to give a lecture on different types of maxi pads. Don't wear a tampons! You won't be a virgin anymore!

I don't know who Russell Brand is, but he's the best for calling that shit out.

Tripping the light shittastic

I woke up this morning with a serious case of schadenfreude. I almost had to call off work. Is it wrong that I feel so gleeful over Britney's abject failure at last night's VMAs? It was just all so utterly perfect! The galumphing. The obliviousness. The undulating rolls. The befuddled disorientation. The haggard weave. I loved every painful second! Do you hear that sound? It's the bang, bang, banging of the final nail being driven into the coffin that is Britney Spears' career. And not a moment too soon! Even more invigorating are today's ruthless headlines and merciless critiques—I've culled a few for your enjoyment:

• MSNBC: Britney bombs: Out-of-shape singer looks bleary, unprepared

• CNN: Britney ripped mercilessly

• ABC News: Why Was Britney So Bad? Some Say Spears Hit a New Low

• TMZ: Britney's Career: 1998–2007

• New York Post: Britney a Bust: Lard & Clear Loser at VMAs

• And my personal favorite, from Yahoo!'s front page: Britney Spears, VMAs Fail Miserably

Ready for some bitchy assessments of Brit's "comeback" performance?
-Associated Press: Somewhere, Kevin Federline is laughing. An out-of-shape, out-of-touch Britney Spears delivered what was destined to be the most talked about performance of the MTV Video Music Awards—but for all the wrong reasons. Kicking off the show Sunday night with her new single, "Gimme More," Spears looked bleary and unprepared, much like her recent tabloid exploits on the streets of Los Angeles. She walked through her dance moves with little enthusiasm. It appeared she had forgotten the entire art of lip-synching. And, perhaps most unforgivable given her once-taut frame, she looked embarrassingly out of shape.

-Gossip blogger Perez Hilton: "She blew it," Hilton told Reuters. "Everybody knows Britney lip-syncs, but that's because she dances so much. She barely even danced in this. It was so bad. It was painful. It was embarrassing. And I loved it!"

-New York Post: What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, right? So why was Britney Spears' totally lame, pathetically lip-synched Video Music Awards performance at the Palms Casino last night allowed to be seen by the rest of the world? At the annual MTV ceremony, Spears mounted her big comeback doing "Gimme More" from her upcoming album, but the song about lusting for too much wasn't enough to launch a dinghy, let along relaunch the career of this ditzy disaster. Spears was stuffed into a spangled bra and hot pants and jiggled like Jell-O as she sleepwalked through the song. She didn't seem to care that she danced like she had a pantload, that her lips weren't synched with the song, and that the tune isn't all that great.

So I stand corrected on my VMA prediction that the gossip bloggers would be jacking off over Brit's horrid performance. Even Trent at Pink is the New Blog, one of the last pro-Brit entities standing, was thouroughly disgusted. God, what a fucking fabulous night of TV 9/9/07 was! And I haven't even gotten to Rock of Love yet!

Lip sync more, lip sync lip sync lip sync more!

One word about Britney's VMA performance tonight: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'll have more later. But for now that says it all. IT'S BRITNEY, BITCH!!!!!

Predictions for this Sunday's VMAs

I never plan on watching the MTV Video Music Awards, mainly because I don't care and partly because I feel like someone's stern, judgemental parent with my arms crossed and my foot impatiently tapping as I watch. But for some reason I always fall victim to unseen hands that force me to tune in. Maybe it's the hope that some abject disaster will occur, like the time Slash and Duff got on stage wasted. Or the time that Courtney Love threw shit at Madonna. Or when Rose McGowan showed up naked. Big deal.

When it comes down to it, nothing really good ever happens...it's typically just a collection of minor mishaps or "shocking" surprises that the entertainment media flips its shit over. Like omigod, Britney wrapped herself in a giant boa/phallic symbol for her performance! Oops, now she's wearing a flesh-colored unitard and flashing her nips at the audience! Here we go again—she's frenching Madonna! We get it; Brit's a slut. Damn. People act like they've never seen a vag before.

This year's show is taking place in Vegas at—surprise!—the Palms! God, that place is eternally sucking MTV's dick. Or maybe MTV is sucking the Palms's dick. Either way, I'm fucking sick of the Palms. Hey, everyone, the Palms is cool! All the hottest, sexiest people hang out there! If you don't look like Hayden Pantierre or Jesse Metcalfe then FORGET IT! All this talk about how great the fucking Palms is makes me want to avoid it all together and purposely stay at the uncoolest place on the Strip the next time I go. What would that be? Circus Circus? But that was featured in Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas! The Stratosphere? I don't know. I'm sure they've got a Red Roof on the Strip somewhere...

Anyway, since I know I'm going to end up wasting my Sunday night watching this dreck (after RoL, of course), I figured I may as well try to have some fun with it. I'm going to make some VMA predictions and we'll just see how many of them actually happen. Readers, you can join in by leaving your own VMA predictions (that is, if you care, which I wouldn't blame you one bit if you didn't) in the comments section and we'll see who gets the most right! It's a fun game! And I'm going to judge my self-worth by how many responses I get. Don't make me cut! OK, so here we go:

1. There will be some kind of live pseudo-reporting from the Real World Las Vegas suite, most likely with a former RWLV cast member. My guess is that it will be Trashelle and/or Steven.

2. The Palms will be pimped out even more, with an interview room/green room housed in Ghost Bar. Don't forget: the Palms is REALLY, REALLY COOL!

3. There will be tons of pathetic mugging from a Derilique-clad Wentz.

4. Amy Winehouse will cuss on the air and say something bitchy to a reporter on the red carpet.

5. All winning rap/hip-hop videos will include all of the following: bitches, hoes, bling, cham, a hot tub/pool, and spinners.

6. The phrase "Sin City" will be used more than 30 times during the broadcast.

7. Rihanna, Megan Fox and that Nicole Scherzingsteinschwarzenegger chick from the Pussycat Dolls will wear the "most talked-about" (i.e. sluttiest) outfits.

8. There will be all kinds of hype about the release of 50 Cent and Kanye West CDs on the same day (September 11 to be exact) and no one will care except for MTV, 50 Cent and Kanye West.

9.There will be a surprise appearance from Owen Wilson.

10. A lip-syncing Britney will give the shittiest performance of her career and yet all the Hollywood bloggers (I'm looking at you, Trent) will be creaming their jeans the next day about her triumphant "comeback." By the way, have you heard her new song? It's Britney, bitch!

11. Jessica Simpleton will show up with a surprise celebrity date who she will "canoodle" with the entire evening, simply to get her name back in the news.

12. The cast of High School Musical will get the biggest applause/screams from the idiots in the audience.

13. Some young hipster will give a pretentious shout-out to Pavarotti and add that he was an "inspiration."

'Round and 'round she goes and where she stops nobody knows! No matter what happens, we all lose our shirts when we watch the VMAs, but at least no money will be involved. Hey-O! *rim shot* Seriously, I hope Britney falls down or something.

Ethnic cleansing is funny!

OK, no it's not, but just bear with me.

First of all, though, I have to say that I'm a little worried about the Pope. I usually am when he takes the Popemobile without the bulletproof glass bubble on it. Luckily, the rogue lunger seems to have only been seeking attention and not Benny's head on a stick. Another crisis averted. But Benny needs to be more careful. Obviously, he can't rely on the Swiss guards, who simply stand around looking pretty all the time.

One thing we can rely on is Bob From Accounting to bring the funny. (Aside: Yes, that may have been my worst segue ever, but I just didn't feel right about doing a Pope-to-genocide transition because I have a soft spot for anything Rome-related. And because it's really just kind of wrong in general. Ow, my heart just started bleeding...) Anyway, this list comes to my attention courtesy my fun, fab girl Lola: presenting the 2006 Ethnic Cleansing Awards for the worst and most annoying newsmakers of the year! You might think it's quite harsh to wish such a serious fate on someone just because they play poker on television, and Bob explains "more realistically we want them vanquished, banished and never heard from again", which I think is reasonable.

There are 20 losers on the list, all accompanied by appropriately snarky commentary and ridicule, which I know you all will appreciate. Here are just a few that I particularly agreed with. Go ahead and have your say, too, and don't feel bad about it. Eradication is sometimes completely necessary.

People still making Brokeback Mountain jokes/People still quoting Napoleon Dynamite
While we can be sure that "I wish I could quit you" will go down as one of the most legendary movie quotes of the last few years, it certainly will not rise to the status of "Tomorrow is another day" or "Here's lookin' at you kid" or even "No more yanky my wanky; the Donger needs food." Same goes for Napoleon. I liked the movie, I thought it was funny, but good lord am I sick of seeing Pedro everywhere. He was on Top Model for god sakes! He's the new Haley Joel Osmet.

Plagerists, hack writers and the people who pay them
I probably fit into this category, so I completely understand the irony, but the entry notes James Frey, OJ, and chick-lit whore Kaavya Viswanathan as figurehead offenders. If these douches can get book deals, surely I can expand on my black metal research and Britney views and score a New York Times bestseller. Where's Oprah? Stupid & Contagious is inspirational! The blog itself is a random act of kindness! I'll even get in my pajamas and eat Baked Lays with her, Gayle and the audience while we dish about the Count! It will be a ratings bonanza!

The cast and crew of "To Catch A Predator"
Yes! I've been meaning to write about this one for a while. This is one of the best shows on television. Nothing beats seeing a middle-aged perv show up at a house for sex with a 13-year-old only to get grilled by Chris Hansen and then tackled by a cop disguised as a bush. I love the tarty little actress they get to impersonate the teen: (high-pitched flirtatious voice) "I made some frozen lemonade! It's yummy! So do you have any ideas for tonight?" and I love that Hansen is changing up his repitoire with funny quotes: (mockingly) "Can I have a hug? Why don't you have a seat right there." The reason this gem made the list is that the "internet watchdog" group that trolls for the deviants talks a pretty good game to lure people over to their trap house. They're pervs, too! They talk dirty and send nude pics like pros. Sure, it's a total bait-and-switch, but if it means we get to see creepy pedos exposed, lectured by Chris Hansen and then dive-bombed by a SWAT team, I'm all for it.

Conspiracy theorists
Lately I've been kind of "into" this morbidly fascinating subgenre of humanity and my favorite examples are Derek and Sharon Gilbert of the Peering Into Darkness podcast. Seriously, you've got to listen to these two. Did you know that everything is connected? Nothing happens by chance! People are being brainwashed by the government to take over and destroy innocent churchgoers at the flick of a switch. The FDA is controlling our food and vitamin intake. The Bible prophesized 9/11. The media hides or supresses news stories about aliens so we won't know what's really going on. Those little clouds you see coming from the back of jets that streak the sky? Chem trails. It's POISON and THEY are trying to kill us all! As usual, who "they" are isn't exactly clear: the government, the Catholic church, the Bilderberg Group, Satan worshippers performing ritual sacrifice (their favorite target, which is so '89). It's pretty much everyone, and Derek and Sharon say that if you don't believe you're simply naive and not paying attention. Hilarious! If it's all true, I'd love to know how it's being pulled off. People can't even organize a PTA potluck without it spiraling into chaos. Anyway, I'm going to save this topic for another post because it's really just too funny.

So there you have it: a tantalizing teaser list of the 20 people that really need to die. My only disappointment: no Wentz. I recently read that he opened some stupid emo bar in Chicago and provocatively announced that sex in the restrooms will be allowed under his watch. Klassy. If he and Ashlee Simpson are mucking up the stalls, he better have a hazmat team on staff to immediately clean that shit up. I'm thinking maybe we should call the health department, or a bio lab to do some testing for newly created STDs. Or an exorcist.

The 2nd Annual Stupie Awards!

When I handed out the first-ever round of Stupie awards last year, I was thrilled to receive my first piece of hate mail a few days later. You may recall that someone known only as "cameron_frye" accused me of being unfair and uninformed in my snarky assessment of former GN'R guitarist Buckethead. Honestly, I was really excited that someone cared enough to bitch me out, and I feel kind of bad that I suggested that cameron_frye was actually Buckethead himself. I didn't really think that, and I was truthfully hoping to incite him into a good-natured Buckethead debate that could have dragged on to bore everyone for weeks or even months. No such luck; cameron_frye was off in Egyptland or something because I never heard from him again.

Then, months and months later, I got a second piece of hate mail in which I was informed that I am "the dumbest person to ever create a blog" and told to "get a fucking life" by and anonymous reader for live-blogging the David-Blaine-in-a-fishbowl stunt. Whoever this person was didn't stick around long enough for me to completely agree that, yes, I am a dumb bitch, and I totally DO need to get a fucking life. If anything, I strive to take responsibility for my actions and blogging that godawful, soul-sucking event was probably the most embarrassing thing I've ever done to date. Well, except that one thing, but that's not important right now...

The point is that I hope that everyone will continue to leave comments for me because I enjoy hearing what you have to say, good and bad. And if there is anything that's just screaming out for commentary/ridicule from readers it's the 2nd Annual Stupie Awards! Feel free to use the comments section to agree, disagree, add awards, call me a dumb bitch, whatever. This is a safe place and a free speech zone. The only rule is that we only make fun of those who deserve it. Now, on to the awards...

• Cutest •
Poor, poor Ville. Due to his post-breakup slag period, he has been knocked out of contention for this coveted Stupie for '06. Don't worry, we still love you, Ville, but this year, the prestigious award goes to resident CNN hunk Anderson Cooper! There—I've said it. And I'm not ashamed! When he's not dodging missles in a war zone or tied to a tree to report during a hurricane (because he's dedicated), he's doing unheard of things such as researching the people he's interviewing and developing thoughtful and relevant questions that CNN viewers really want answers to. And then there was the time that he was interviewing Jeff Corwin while holding a cute little three-toed sloth and it took several hours for me to rematerialize after melting into the floor. Oh my god. I can't even talk about it. (And, yes, I realize that he is most likely not playing for my team, and the fact that he never talks about it makes him even more intruiging. And if you had seen that three-toed sloth thing, I'm telling you, the guys reading this would be celebrating, too.)

• Coolest •
I'm totally going to lose my rock credibility on this one, but Gwen Stefani is just the bestest! It's been a great year for Gwen. She had another hit record. She's a mommy to the cutest baby around. She and Gavin seem to have a refreshingly drama-free relationship (at least any drama is kept out of the public eye). She wears the awesome outfits. Bottom line: Gwen kicks hella ass.

• Most Annoying •
Sorry to keep bringing this tool up, but it's gotta be Pete Wentz. Note to Pete: NO MORE NUDITY FROM YOU! A little piece of me dies every time I log on to Pink is the New Blog and there you are showing us your stunted, sad little emo boy physique. No one wanted to see you naked in the first place. Also, you have the dumbest tattoos I've ever seen. Please have them removed immediately.

• White Trashiest •
I'm retiring Britty from this category because obviously it's going to be her every single time (and we can't have her win in more than one category, either...oops, spoiler!). This year's winner is Posh Spice, and I mean this nicely. I'm completely fascinated by the whole concept of chavs and charvers in the UK, and I think she is the queen bee of this little subculture. She's such a robot and she's always dragging her cute kids around dressed in Burberry hoodies and she named one of her kids after the place where he was concieved and she's always shopping while wearing huge sunglasses and she weighs about two pounds and has the fakest boob job ever and she seems like kind of a royal bitch (but in an amusing way) and she and Becks are this nouveau riche/gaudy/trashy-but-totally-loveable couple and I kind of want those crazy kids to make it. I hope that makes sense.

• Best Reality Freak •
You may think our winner is Real World Key West's Paula, but you would be wrong. Edging her out by a small margin is Tyra Banks. Mark my words: that bitch is crazy. Anyone who watches America's Next Top Model (which I totally need to write about one of these days) can tell you that each season she seems to slip away from logic and reason a little bit more. The first indication of her descent into madness was when she screamed at a model who didn't cry enough when she got voted off the show. Then she went ape shit to a most embarrassing degree on her talk show over, of all things, Vaseline. Her svengali-like attitude, horrible attempts at comic relief and questionable Oprah obsession makes me believe that while Janice Dickinson was considered the crazy one on the ANTM panel, Tyra is simply much more calculating and, therefore, a far more dangerous psychotic. Plus, that gigantic weave she's sporting of late leads me to believe that she's transforming herself into Gossamer from Looney Tunes, after Bugs did his hair in dynamite curlers.

• Song of the Year •
So I didn't keep up with my music blog. I perfectly happy blathering on in my own mind about rock and rock-related topics, and I'm sure eventually I'll update it when I feel particularly inspired by something. But anyway, I sort of covered this topic a few weeks back when I discussed the Blender Noisemaker awards, and just to reiterate, I still stand behind Deftones' "Cherry Waves" as my favorite song of the year. It's what modern metal should be.

• Lamest Song of the Year •
"You're Beautiful", James Blunt. If I hear that whiny bullshit one more time, someone's getting tasered. Chino could totally kick that guy's ass.

• Best Movie •
Nothing made me laugh harder or cringe more than "Borat". Runner up: "Little Children", featuring the highly-anticipated comeback appearance of me and Jon's favorite former child star Jackie Earle Haley.

• Worst Movie •
I'm going to go out on a limb and say that, even though I didn't see any of them, it's a pretty sure bet that it's either "Employee of the Month", "Norbitt" or "Wild Hogs." But the worst movie I saw was "Domino" for much less cool then it thought it was. First, we had wooden "starlet" Keira Knightly as a model-turned-bounty-hunter for the T&A factor (which would have been fine, had she possessed any T or A). Then we had Mickey Rourke, who looks as if he's wearing a Leatherface-style mask of his own former face, and made me want to hide under my seat. Then there is this whole reality show subplot that could have been much better, but just seemed sort of tacked on at the last minute for comic relief. I actually had high hopes for some mindless fun, but it nearly turned deadly, as my brain hasn't fully recovered from mild stroke brought on from all the quick cuts and flashing shit.

• Freakiest •
The mannequin-esque John Mark Carr, who oozed out of the limelight almost as quickly as he slunk into it. What freaks me out the most is the eternal question: what exactly does a person have to do to get thrown out of THAILAND? Don't tell me! I have delicate sensibilities. And I'm sure it's something none of us have ever heard of anyway. Can you believe that guy was a teacher and a freaking NANNY? One look at him would have sent me running for the number of my local FBI field office. I thought the guys on the Dateline "To Catch a Predator" series were a bunch of creepy weirdos, but I think even those guys would be avoiding eye contact with Carr.

• Most Morbidly Fascinating •
I'm almost embarrassed of the degree to which I have been entertained by "The Surreal Life" and "Flavor Of Love". "TSL" has actually caused me to completely change my opinion on people; for example, Steve Harwell of Smash Mouth used to be one of the victims of my dream tour bus crash (along with Mark McGrath and Coldplay), but has been officially removed from the list after his appearance on the show because he seemed like a really cool, nice guy. Plus, the list of classic scenes is endless: Mini-Me drunk, nude and peeing on the floor; Tawny Kitaen's coke-fueled ramblings; Ron Jeremy striking up an unlikely friendship with Tammy Faye Bakker; Flavor Flav and Brigette Nielson's grotesque flirtations. And speaking of Flav, how about his search for romance on "Flavor of Love"? I mean the whole thing is just such a beautiful hot mess that you really just have to see it to believe it.

• Why Is This Person Considered Hot? Award •
It utterly baffles me that Pete Doherty (a.) continues to somehow being an inspiration to the London fashion scene, (b.) manages to stay out of long-term prison despite having a record that makes Jan-Michael Vincent look like a pillar of society, and (c.) dates uber-cutie Kate Moss and earns an award as Britain's Sexiest Man. Just take a look at that picture and, after you've returned from throwing up in the bathroom, please explain it to me. As for the gals, Pamela Anderson, who looks more and more like an aged drag queen every year, has mystified me for years. Don't get me wrong: I thought she was a good sport in "Borat" and, yes, she's all plastic and Playboy-perfect, but to me she's kind of like a Fergie...nice bod, but what the fuck is up with that mug? And why do Playmates always completely shave off their eyebrows and then crayon them back on?

• Hindenburg Award •
I can't retire Britney from this one yet because her descent into madness has been so utterly perfect. I couldn't have even imagined anything more fabulous and fulfilling. This year, I'm eagerly anticipating her attempt to return to the stage with a whole new look and a bunch of deep, spiritual songs she wrote in rehab. I predict that while she thinks she'll be accepted with open arms she will be shocked to learn that no one cares anymore, much like Michael Jackson. She'll keep churning out the pop pabulm like he does but with no update from her last hit record. And then her sister Jamie-Lynn will become America's newest sweetheart and it's going to be just like "Whatever Happened To Baby Jane", and hopefully with the makeup.

• Stupid & Contagious Person Of The Year •
For unending positivity The Pixy is my winner for the year! While the whole "manchild" thing is more than slightly disturbing, in this year of meltdowns, downfalls, divorce and debauchery, the Pixy continues to warm my rotting little heart with his generosity, acceptance and unapologetic wearing of unitards. Essentially, the Pixy is harmless, like Norway. Norway can't help it that it just so happens to be the birthplace of soulless cannibals, killers and arsonists. It is what it is, and that's the way we love it, just like the Pixy.

Congrats to all of this year's winners! And, Anderson, I'll see YOU at 10...

The big sleep

When Joe Pesci won an Oscar for "Goodfellas" in 1991 his speech went a little something like this: "This is an honor and privilege. Thank you very much." I expect the orchestra stood there for a second, unsure of what to do, and then scrambled to cue up a jazzed-up version of the "Layla" piano exit. That is the coolest speech ever. I think if I ever won an Academy Award (for sound editing, of course) I'd totally do something like that. I'd be all "This rocks...thanks", and try to be off the stage before the band leader even has a chance to pick up his baton. Lead by example, I say. Then maybe the ceremony won't be four excruciating hours long. I've got places to go, people. Chop chop.

The Academy also didn't give out gift baskets this year. This makes me mad. Why would anyone want to be star other than to get the free shit? But don't think the Hollywood elite went without; last week, "swag parties" were held all over town to offer up such must-haves as pink boxing gloves, organic dog treats and free Netflix. What kind of cheap bullshit is this? Where are the getaway packages and the free Bulgari? The stupid pink boxing gloves don't even come with Joe Frazier. Highly disappointing, Hollywood. I know there are all those pesky tax issues with giving this stuff away, but rules and laws don't apply to you, so why start obeying now?

In general, I found the Academy Awards to be much like the ground outside of my house: soggy, mushy and maggotty with dog shit that my neighbors have so kindly left in the middle of the sidewalks. In other words, good times. Of course this would mark the year that Marty Scorsese finally won a well-deserved Oscar. And the year that Jack Nicholson appeared bald and looking more disturbing than ever, and nobody made a Britney joke (or commented on his neckfurters). We heard dated Al Gore jokes, and we were treated to all the usual blatant back-patting for all the "diversity" in this year's nominees. And how much longer do we have to endure J-Lo? And Celine? Like I said, maggotty...

• All I wanted was for Jackie Earle to win. Was that too much to ask? Apparently so. I'm sure Alan Arkin is great and all, and granted, I didn't see "Little Miss Sunshine", but Jackie Earle is all kinds of awesome, just for being Jackie Earle. The only thing that could make up for this is if Scarecrow from "The Wizard of Oz" showed up wearing the scalp of Christie Brinkely and a water-stained circa-1973 prom dress. Oh, wait, sorry Gwenyth...was that you? I didn't recognize you because your fake English accent was "off" last night. Kudos on remembering your bra this year, though.

• On the other hand, Reese, oh dear lord, that dress...I would wear it to the grocery store, go on a hike in it and sleep in it. In other words, I would wear it all the time and never take it off, and I would wash it by wearing it into the shower. Speaking of Reese, I wonder if she and Marky Mark got together to discuss how they wouldn't be where they are today if it weren't for "Fear".

• Second-best dressed: Kate Winslet. I love her and I want to marry her.

• Third-best dressed: the girls who got to wear the badass Marie Antoinette outfits during the Best Costume presentation. However, I'm voting fake Marie herself Kirsten Dunst as worst dressed of the evening. What is wrong with her? She has to present with her ex-boyfriend and she wears Brillo couture? Looking super-awesome is the best revenge, and she totally blew it.

• I hope Nicole Kidman doesn't drive a convertible because if she is ever stuck behind a gravel truck and a rock flies out and hits her face it would shatter like a windshield.

• Tom Cruise was kind of quiet this year. Maybe he had an auditing session yesterday morning in which he was advised to tone it down. Didn't see the wife and kid either, so I'm guessing the Scientology PR crew has racheted up the thetan control.

• Cutest couples: Ellen and Portia, Sascha Baron Cohen and Isla Fisher, Jaden Smith and Abigail Breslin.

• I know the speeches were cut off earlier this year and a "thank-you cam" was provided backstage so they could thank god, mom, voice coach, lawyer, caterer, reiki technician, dolly grip, etc., ad nauseum. Didn't work, dammit.

Honestly, I can't remember much else because I feel like I've been hit by a truck. Scorsese won, so all is right with the world. This is an honor and privilege. Thank you very much. Now where's my gift basket?

Where have you gone, Jackie Earle Haley?

If there's one thing I like to do for my readers, it's to shamelessly resort to internet stalking to get answers to the hard-hitting questions that are on everyone's minds. Such as, "Whatever happened to the guy who played Kelly in The Bad News Bears"?

You know who I'm talking about. He was the little shit hotshot player who rode around on a motorbike and kept taunting Tatum O'Neal because she was a GIRL. I think he drove a van with an airbrushed desert scene on the side in the sequel. All I really remember about it is the Bears made it all the way to some championship at the Astrodome and there was a "let them play" chant at some point. Didn't Corey Feldman play him in the TV version? Anyway, his real name is Jackie Earle Haley and you may also remember him as Moocher in "Breaking Away," and as the male nymphomaniac that upstaged Tom Cruise in "Losin' It."

So just as I was preparing to post on this all-important topic, I check out the newly announced Oscar noms and guess who is up for Best Supporting Actor: JACKIE EARLE HALEY! Isn't that too weird? I'd say it's a one in a million chance that something like this happens again. It's like saying, "Hey, remember that annoying kid that played the brother on 'Small Wonder'?" then the next day reading that Jerry Supiran has just won the Nobel Prize for Physics for his groundbreaking development of laser-based precision spectroscopy, including (but not limited to) the optical frequency comb technique. (And for the record, I looked up his name...my no-lifed-ness does have a limit!) So if Jackie wins, he should totally thank me in his acceptance speech because of this convaluted psychic ability I seem to have.

Turns out Jackie had been doing pretty well even before his award nomination. I looked him up online and found this website for his production company. He's a very successful commercial director and seems to be a very respected personality in the entertainment industry. And good for him. After working with Tatum O'Neal, Tom Cruise and Danny Bonnaduche it would seem that this is one child star that beat the odds.

So now that my heart has been warmed, I have another burning question for you: whatever happened to Danny Cooksey? Remember him as the precocious redheaded moppet on "Dif'rent Strokes" who was quite possibly the number one most annoying person on television ever (with the exception of Scrappy Doo)? Oh, god, I shouldn't have asked because I got curious and looked him up...he's still acting! And his latest star turn is as "Minnesota Drunk Slob" in the fabled blockbuster "Bottoms Up". You may also recognize his legendary voice work as "Pizza Man/Agent Disembodied Head" on "Invader ZIM". I had no idea that was him and I Tivo "Invader ZIM" every day (ha, ha).

Oh yeah, and he's also in a band. How shocking. And they're called Bad 4 Good. I don't think they are anything like Color Me Badd; by the looks of that picture my guess is that they are going for a Blind Melon-meets-Silverchair vibe. And I wouldn't want to see any of those guys shirtless either.

You know what would be really awesome? If Bad 4 Good went on tour with Thruster (fronted by former "Family Ties" brat Brian Bonsall), Elephone (featuring Ryan Lambert of "Kids, Incorporated") and Corey Feldman's band. It could be the Back in the Biz Tour or something like that...my god, that's such a great idea. I think this needs to be a whole separate post.

If you can think of any other former contestents on "Battle of the Network Stars" I can do a "Where are they now?" on, let me know via the comments section. Suddenly my interest has been piqued. What about hunky Tyler Benchfield from "Life Goes On"? Or the kids from "Alf"? Or the guy who played Beans Baxter? And how many more examples of bad television can I admit to watching? So many questions, so few answers.

Fun with mascots!

Yesterday was a big day in Cowtown, as it was opening day for Buckeye football season. If you don't live here, the only way I can describe this to you is, from now on it's like March in Cabo San Lucas every single weekend. With 10 times the violence and 50 times the mace. The Buckeyes win and everyone sets their own couches on fire in the middle of the street. The Buckeyes lose and you may find your car resting on it's roof the morning after. In other words, it doesn't matter what the result of the game is—if it's football Saturday, your life and property are in imminent danger.

While I don't give a shit one way or another about OSU sports, I do rather enjoy the mascot: Brutus Buckeye. He's got a giant, poisonous nut for a head! And he can do a headstand and spell out O-H-I-O with his legs, which is completely awesome.

I find mascots in general endlessly fascinating and entertaining. Check out that picture above—that's not a furries convention. This was taken at the induction ceremony for the Mascot Hall of Fame. You heard me. If you think that's crazy talk, check this out: the campaign to end violence against mascots (I think it's supposed to actually be serious). Come on, now! Violence against mascots is usually the best part of the whole sports experience, including the actual game. If someone sunk a full-court hail mary shot during the same game that a mascot fell down while trying to lead the crowd in an en masse chicken dance, the first thing I'd tell my friends later is "Slider wiped out!"

Really bad mascots are also amusing. I thought it might be fun to try to find the dumbest and most inexplicable and give out awards to the worst offenders. Feel free to cast your own votes; there's got to be more wonderfully horrendous ones out there that I overlooked.

• Least Intimidating •
-"Lil' Red" (University of Nebraska–Lincoln), an inflatable Campbell's Soup Kid in red overalls
-Violets (New York University), a purple transformer-looking thing
-"Otto the Orange" (Syracuse), literally an orange with arms and legs, wearing a baseball cap
-"Scrappy" (University of Tennessee-Chattanooga), a mockingbird wearing a train-conductor's outfit (get it? Chattanooga Choo-Choo?)
-"Sebastian the Ibis" (University of Miami), a duck wearing a sailor hat
WINNER: "WuShock" (Wichita State University), an anthropomorphic "shock" of wheat. This thing could sweep a couple other awards including Worst Name and Worst Costume. Look at it! It's a yellow Muppet of Alec Baldwin with a fucking wheat grass skirt and wheat sprouting out of his big ridiculous head. What exactly is this mascot going to do to scare the opponent? Wave in the wind? Turn into rice? Get run over by a tractor?

• Geekiest •
-Student Princes (Heidelberg College)
-Poets (Whittier College), a colonial guy with a book and a pen
-Penmen (Southern New Hampshire University)
WINNER: Vulcans (California University of Pennsylvania) Trekkies always win out in the geek department. Imagine the catcalls at those games: "Nerve pinch the Vulcans!"

• Dumbest "Fighting" Mascot •
-Fighting Okra (Delta State University); this nickname was given to the team from fans bored with the "Statesmen" mascot
-Fighting Artichokes (Scottsdale CC)
-Battling Bishops (Ohio Wesleyan)
-Fighting Missionaries (Whitman College)
-Fighting Gobblers (Virginia Polytechnic Institute and State University)
WINNER: Fighting Banana Slugs (University of California—Santa Cruz) Can you fight AND be a slug?

• Most Ridiculous Animal Mascot •
-"Petey the Stormy Petrel" (Oglethorpe University); it's a seabird...I didn't know either
-Varmits (Southern Arkansas University Tech)
-Super Bees (University of Baltimore)
WINNER: Geoducks (Evergreen State College), a type of clam which, supposedly, doesn't clamp shut when danger appears

• Weirdest •
-Vixens (Sweet Briar College) , the mascot of an all-girls christian college
-"Thresher" (Bethel College), a threshing stone, whatever that is
-Lord Jeffs (Amherst); named after the guy who exercised germ warfare against Native Americans by giving them blankets coated with smallpox
-Blue Hose (Presbyterian College), formerly the Blue Stockings; basically now the Blue Pantyhose
WINNER: "Gompei" (Worcester Polytechnic Institute), the bronzed head of a dead goat. Maybe they could put wheels on it and race it against the ram's head snuff mull.

• Worst Name •
-Ichabods (Washburn University); this school is not in New York, so I have no idea what this name means
-"Knightro" (University of Central Florida), the golden knight
-Claim Jumpers (Columbia College-Hollywood)
-Lumberjills (Northland College), counterpart to the men's teams' LumberJACKS. Ha!
WINNER: Nads (Rhode Island School of Design); the cheerleaders are nicknamed the "Jockstraps" because they support the Nads—criminy

• Dumbest Costume •
-"Keggy the Keg" (Dartmouth), an unofficial mascot that irritates the living crap out of people on the HOME bench
-"Puckman" (Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute), a stupid walking hockey puck
–"The Troll" (Trinity Christian College), named for TRinity cOLLege (lame), this dumpy ogre represents a school that operates under the slogan "Momentum for Life"
WINNER: "The Stanford Tree" (Stanford University), a dancing pine tree that looks more like a melting garbage bag with a Gacy-like, clownish smiley face. This makes you wish California would go a little lax with the logging regulations.

So who are the best mascots? Well, Freddie and Freida Falcon (Bowling Green State University), of course...I'm biased; that's my alma mater. I also think the Michigan State Spartan costume is frigging hilarious. But the very best mascots in the whole wide world aren't college mascots at all—it's the Racing Sausages! Representing the Milwaukee Brewers baseball club, the Hot Dog, Polish Sausage, Italian Sausage, and German Bratwurst, and with their gigantic heads and stereotypical appearances (leiterhosen!), compete in a race during the seventh inning stretch of each home game. The Sausages made headlines a couple of years ago when one of the players tapped the Polish Sausage as he was running by and sent him (and the chick inside the costume) sprawling across the field, taking the Italian Sausage down with him. Everyone got all upset about it and, to my delight, the footage was run over and over on the news—it's hilarious! OK, OK, the chick didn't get hurt or anything, and in fact she thought it was funny, so it's OK for us to laugh. Sadly, I couldn't find the footage of this wipeout, but I found this footage, which is just as hilarious. Encased meats with little arms and legs flailing—does it get any better?

The VMAs: God, I feel old

Sitting here watching the MTV Video Music Awards, not only to I hate pretty much everything that's played but I have no fucking idea who 80 percent of these people are. And I don't even recognize the people I DO know. For example, when did Jordan Catalano become a sad little goth?

Anyway, I love nothing more than to make fun of awards shows, and the VMAs always provide the best fodder. Let's see if I can make it through the ceremony without putting my foot through the TV. I'll try, so I can provide my usual important observations.

• First off, who are these douchebags in the audience? Enough with the "WHOOO!" and the blatant misuse of the devil horn hand gesture ("The All-American Rejects" do, in fact, NOT rock and do not deserve the horns). I want these people tasered immediately.

• Christina Aguilara's husband must have the biggest penis in the whole world.

• Someone needs to put a stop to James Blunt. Not only does his music make kittens weep, he's also excruciatingly unattractive.

• Unfortunately, Jessica Simpson seems to have gotten her voice back. And she still can't read. By the way, I love that now that Ashlee has gotten a nose job and is quickly becoming "the hot one," her family ships her off to London to star on-stage in "Chicago". Get out of the country, you little mistake! Daddy needs some "alone time" with Jess.

• I'm going to have to do a fangirl post on "Jackass". I love "Jackass". I can't wait for the new "Jackass" movie.

• Who is this "Shawn White" person? He looks like Carrot Top and I don't like it.

• Ringtone of the Year? Are you kidding? And Fort Minor? Who the frig is that? And why in the world did he go on and on and on and on and on and on? For winning Ringtone of the Year?

• Sometimes I think I'm the only person in the world that hates Sarah Silverman. But I can't bring myself to hate Justin Timberlake and I don't know why. Maybe because he's bringing sexy back. And because he dumped Britney.

• Which brings me to Britney. My god. Just when I think it can't get any worse, it does—and it's thrilling! Tonight's appearance with her lovely hubby was reminicent of the Clampetts rollin' into Nu Yawrk Sittay trying to look purty for the pavarottis. Oh, but wait, it seems like they weren't REALLY in the Big Apple, but rather via satellite. Which is probably a good thing. Remember Brit's last trip to NYC?

• Thank god for OK Go, because they were the only thing about this whole debacle that didn't make me want to run into oncoming traffic. Oh, and Jack White! He was playing with The Raconteurs throughout the ceremony. He's still one of my boyfriends. And the drummer and bass player are from The Greenhornes—OK, so maybe I do know some of these people.

So for all you young kids, I bet you'll be suitably impressed when I tell you that I went to the VMAs the year they had all those guys dressed up as Eminem walk in. Remember that? I believe it was in 2001. Pretty cool, huh? OK, I didn't actually GO...I just stood outside. And when I say "outside" I mean like three blocks away. Pretty much the only thing I saw was a horrible performance from Linkin Park on the marquee of Radio City Music Hall. It totally blew. So, not so cool.

Well, I guess that means I am getting old, because things sure ain't like they used to be. Remember when Duff and Slash staggered onstage shitfaced to accept an award and it was this big huge deal that Slash said "fuck"? Gone are those days, my friend. Now it's de rigour. As are making weed and orgy jokes and saying "make some noise"! Maybe they should have some kind of a contest for a lucky MTV viewer: that person gets a nickel everytime someone says that, "how y'all doin' tonight", "give it up for [shitty performer or presenter]", or describes something as "amazing". And they get $100,000 if they don't fall asleep.

Boys, Breeders & Blockheads: It's the 1st Annual Stupies!

After a brief hiatus, during which I made significant headway in "Lords of Chaos" and gathered the latest deliciously trashy Britney news, I'm back and ready to rant. But since I am refreshed and relaxed and feeling not so mean after my little vaca, I decided I'd do something a little more fun and a little less debased by offering up yet another awards line-up. It is that time of year, after all. And in true Stupid & Contagious fashion, it's better late than never.

So without further ado, I present the 1st Annual Stupid & Contagious Awards (aka The Stupies)! "Winners" will recieve an attractive certificate (if I ever get around to making them, which is highly unlikely) and the smug satisfaction of having been thought of in some regard by a peon such as myself. What more could you want? Remember: anyone can win an Oscar, but only a select few can win a Stupie! And now on with the show...

• Most Annoying •
Buckethead. Who the fuck is this guy and why in the name of all that's holy does he go around wearing a bucket on his head? Why does the bucket sometimes say "Funeral" on it? Why is he wearing a Shatner mask (which he is hilariously smoking through in this picture) and a Slash wig? Why is he now a part of Guns N' Roses? Why, why, WHY? So many unanswered questions. And yet, I really don't care about the answers.

• Cutest •
Behold the sultry, sulky, shaggy and sexy, sexy, sexy Ville Valo. He's so wonderfully bad, stinky and dirty—and so, so pretty. While the Norwegians are tearing each other up next door, Helsinki is turning out tortured, high-cheekboned goth rockers such as this. I want to höyhentää his kengänkärki.

• Coolest •
Joan Jett, as usual. Without her, there would be no RockitQueen. And if I could be anyone besides RockitQueen, it would be Joan. Also nominated: Bjork, Amy Sedaris, Benicio del Toro, Gary Dourdan, Anthony Hopkins, and Tito Jackson.

• White Trashiest •
This one was really tough, as there were so many slimeballs from which to choose. But in a surprise slam-dunk, Britney and K-Fed walk away with the Stupie! You are just as surprised as I.

• Best Reality Freak •
Two words: Duncan Nutter.

• Song of the Year •
"Shine It All Around" by Robert Plant & the Strange Sensation.

• Lamest Song Of The Year •
Anything by Bright Eyes because I HATE HATE HATE LOATHE AND HATE that name! I don't think I've ever heard anything by him, but I imagine it is annoyingly whiny, singer-songwriter mush pablum for 12-year-olds to swoon over.

• Best Show •
Hands down: "Dog the Bounty Hunter." This show goes above and beyond your typical reality schlock, bringing action, adventure, good quotes and some seriously bad hair directly into your living room. Dog and Co. represent a kinder, gentler variety of white trash (my kind of stock)—that which brings the whoop-ass when necessary, but then offers a kind word and a helpful hand to the very fugitives they've just picked up. And I think Dog's son Leland is kind of hot.

• Worst Show •
"According to Jim." I've never seen it. I probably will never see it. But I'd say this is a pretty solid educated guess.

• Freakiest •
At three in the morning after a night of drunken debauchery, I saw this show called "Obsessed" on A&E or Discovery or one of those channels and I swear to god I didn't imagine it. It was all about people with addictions that were taking over their lives. One woman bilked something like $4 million from the company she worked for to buy vintage cars, collectables and so much crap that she filled her home from floor to ceiling; there was actually a small trail forged through the mounds of shit. There were a few other weirdos, too, but the best was this guy who has dedicated his life to making himself look like a tiger. He has implants in his cheeks, nose, forehead and lips, facial tattoos, specially-made cat-eye contacts, "whisker piercings" in his cheeks and much more for that super-fierce big cat look. I know he's not really famous or anything, but I think it's pretty safe to say he's riding a square-wheeled unicycle to Crazy Town, population: Michael Jackson.

• Most Morbidly Fascinating •
Our favorite black metaller-turned-murderer-turned-nazi sympathizer Count Grishnackh shares this prestigious Stupie with The Duggars, consisting of parents Jim-Bob and Michelle and their litter of 17 kids. How, you ask, do these seemingly nice folks find themselves in a category with a nutball like the Count? For these reasons:
• They all dress alike.
• The kids are all homeschooled. Why is it that all these families that have spawn in the double digits insist on homeschooling their kids? Anyway, I saw a show about them and the kids were learning about bankruptcy and some kind of soy foam insulation.
• They love tater tot casserole.
• Michelle's hair.
• They endorse "Wholesome Swimwear" that "highlights the face, rather than the body." I wish I was kidding.
• THEY WON'T STOP BREEDING.

• Why Is This Person Considered Hot? Award •
Male: Ben Affleck, who looks like he probably smells like a combo of ciggie smoke, hot dogs and balls. Female: Jennifer Aniston, who isn't cute by any stretch of the imagination, yet somehow always gets chosen one of the hottest chicks ever by men's magazines.

• Why Is This Person Famous? Award •
It's a group tie for the cast of "Laguna Beach."

• Hindenburg Award •
This award is given to the person/persons/things that we can't take our eyes off even as they/it are crashing, burning and emitting noxious gasses that will asphixiate all of us as we stare. This year's winner is Joe Simpson, father of Jessica and Ashlee. Whether he's badly spin-doctoring defenses to cover up the obviously-unwanted Ashlee's constant fuck-ups, repressing his own obvious homosexuality, or letching after Jessica's funbags, he's a PR disaster waiting to happen. Can't wait for that blimp to go up in flames (pun intended).

• Stupid & Contagious Person of the Year •
It's not a person, it's a country. The winner is NORWAY! Congratulations, Norway! What other magical land has so captured and terrorized our imaginations in the last few months? What other faraway kingdom has contributed such an absurd volume of maniacal fiends to the music industry? And what other bewitching country do I hope has a really good sense of humor for all the flack I've given them and will not send a goth lynch mob after me because it's all done in good humor and, look, I gave you my blog's top honor! I will vow not to make fun of your spiked chestplates, corpse facepaint and studded kneepads on the red carpet. Promise!

WOOOOOO! BROKEBACK RULES!!!!!

If nothing else, at least Jakey had a good time at the Oscars.

I wish I could quit the Oscars

• I haven't seen "Crash." I honestly have no interest in seeing "Crash." But is "Crash" really better than "Brokeback"? Because "Brokeback" was pretty fucking great. Upset of the night.

• Jon Stewart...Best. Host. Ever. Loved the joke about Bjork getting shot by Cheney. But I have to say that the best moment of the night was Tom Hanks getting hit by the poison dart. Reminds me that dude used to be pretty darn funny before he started trying to save the space program and talking to volleyballs.

• Second-best moment of the night: the montage of Westerns. Hi-freaking-larious!

• Someday you will see me at the Oscars. And it will be as Joaquin Phoenix's date. I guarantee it. And I promise I will help him relax and not look so uncomfortable and constipated all the time.

• Besides that, I've been asked if I could do a sandwich with any two nominees who would it be. Are you ready? Phillip Seymour Hoffman and Paul Giametti. That's right. You heard me.

• I also have another new boyfriend: Terrance Howard. Hello, nurse!

• Jake Gyllenhall was high.

• Keira Knightley is fast becoming my new Gwenyth Paltrow. What an annoying little pouty princess. Blah. I hated her stupid prom-queen-circa-1988 dress, but I have to admit I loved the necklace.

• Bad hair was rampant this year. Charlize looked like she had a slumber party last night where everyone did each other's hair and makeup. Sandra Bullock's looked like the Bride of Frankenstein. Kiera Knightley's hair looked like mine does right now. Also, what was with all the bad bleached-out dye jobs? Kidman, Knightley and Charlize: take a cue from Dolly. If you're gonna bleach it, bleach it.

• And now for best and worst dressed. Best:
Felicity Huffman—hot mama!
J-Lo. I'm sure I might be in the minority on this one but I loved the color and not many can pull it off. That jaundaced, mall-haired skeleton sitting next to her really dragged the overall look down, though.
Salma Hayek. She was pretty in teal and her boobs looked great.
Ziyi Zhang. Unique, cute, young and fun.

I'm sideways on Michelle Williams's dress (at least she went with something other than off-white like most of the other gals did), but her makeup was fantabulous

And worst:
Jennifer Aniston. God, could she be more boring?
Nicole Kidman: Advice from one pale gal to another: NEVER WEAR WHITE! And her hair was sticking up when she was presenting.
Naomi Watts: Love her, hated the paper-shredder remnants she was wearing.
Helena Bohnam Carter. Is this woman on crack? Because this stuff can't be the work of a conscious mind.

Screw the statue, I want the gift basket!

While I'm feeling around under the couch cushions in an attempt to scrape up the cash for tonight's cover charge, the luckiest fucks on the planet are getting all kinds of free shit just for showing up and reading off of the teleprompter at the Academy Awards on Sunday. Have you heard about what comes in these freaking "gift baskets" that go to all the nominees and presenters? See if you can guess which one of these wonderful prizes is NOT in this year's basket:

• A Krups kitchen set, including a coffeemaker, a toaster, an electric kettle and a year's supply of coffee and tea ($700). Too bad Britney isn't presenting...this could save her from some more potentially embarrassing Starbucks runs.

• A red leather case filled with Shu Uemura cosmetics, including mink eyelashes ($600). Because everyone needs mink eyelashes.

• A two-night stay at the Carlyle hotel in New York ($2,300). This place is located right on Central Park and features rooms that run up to six grand a night. In other words, cheap slobs like myself would probably be quickly and quietly diverted across the street to avoid too close of contact to the posh and elite.

• A three-night stay at San Ysidro Ranch, where Laurence Olivier and Vivian Leigh got married and John and Jackie Kennedy honeymooned ($3,000).

• A three-night stay for two (plus a "personal surf-butler") at St. Regis Monarch Beach Resort & Spa in Dana Point, Calif. ($5,900). What exactly is a "personal surf-butler"? I'm imagining some poor schmo dressed in tails who has to dash out in the ocean and help celebs to their feet when a wave knocks them over. Or maybe it's just surprise guest Farnsworth Bentley.

• A four-night stay at the Halekulani Resort in Waikiki, complete with spa treatments, dinner at the on-site five-diamond restaurant and an ocean front room. There is no value included with this but I estimate it to be worth around six months' rent.

• A dinner party at any Morton's Steakhouse ($1,500), a place that I'm pretty sure you won't get a seat at if you showed up dressed like Federline.

• A Tahitian pearl necklace ($1,300). The picture kind of made it look like one of those eagle's-foot-holding-a-globe necklaces you can win at the fair when you squirt water into the clown's mouth better than everyone else.

• Kay Unger cashmere pajama bottoms ($500)...what??

• An unlimited day of services at Cornelia Day Resort in New York City ($3,500), a place that boasts a rooftop pool where you can float around and get a massage at the same time for $200 an hour.

• A full day of free repair services from Mr. Handyman. Question: what does this "Mr. Handyman" look like? Because if Mr. Handyman is hot, this might be the best gift in the whole package.

• A day of boxing with Joe Frazier.

• A full day of getting your butt wiped for you by a representative from Mr. Buttwipe.

Did you guess which one is the fake gift? This is not all, but my chakra is falling out of alignment and that isn't good for my endochrine system. If you're so inclined, you can visit Swagtime and snag some of these fantabulous gifts and packages for yourself. Wow, you can be just like a pampered, A-list celebrity! Except without all the photogs up your ass and the creepy fan fiction.

I have the Golden ticket

Observations on last night's Golden Globes ceremony:

• I love Reese Witherspoon. She is so completely adorable and talented and I'm glad she won. Consequently...

• I hate Gwenyth Paltrow with the white-hot intensity of a thousand suns. That fake-accented, prep-school-snob, anemic bitch hates the U.S. so much, I'm shocked that she would fly over from perfect London to grace us with her presence, even if it is for the uber-classy Sir "ANT-ony" Hopkins. How can she leave her equally-anemic, annoying, untalented husband and "Apple" behind for so long? Dare I say she came back to suckle at the teat of the industry that made her a millionaire celeb? Oh, no, I shan't say anything like that.

• While looking for bad outfits is always one of my favorite parts of any awards ceremony, I think I might have to update to looking for bad boobs. Someone needs to tell these chicks how to properly lift and support! I'm talking to you, Drew Barrymore and Mariah Carey. Even Gwynnie learned something from that horrifying "chicken cutlets" incident. Drew looked worse than when she was on the speedball diet.

• Speaking of bad boobs: Pamela Anderson. Seriously. Why is is this woman considered hot? She looks like an aging drag queen. Just....ew. Ew, ew, ew.

• On the other hand, anyone who thinks Mary Louise Parker is hot is after my own heart. She is one sexy broad. And she won for playing a homemaking pot dealer. Sweet.

• Best acceptance speech: Steve Carrell (or, rather, his wife). Worst: Sandra Oh. Shut up already.

• Creepiest aging: Harrison Ford. Geesh, what's up with that guy? Maybe humping a skeleton makes you look like a escaped convict.

• If only Heath Ledger had won, he could have joined me, Joaquin Phoenix and Jonathan Rhys Meyers in the winners' orgy backstage. Oh, well, I think we can still give him a pass...

That's all. Back to the winners' orgy. Come on in, Heath...