Screw the statue, I want the gift basket!

While I'm feeling around under the couch cushions in an attempt to scrape up the cash for tonight's cover charge, the luckiest fucks on the planet are getting all kinds of free shit just for showing up and reading off of the teleprompter at the Academy Awards on Sunday. Have you heard about what comes in these freaking "gift baskets" that go to all the nominees and presenters? See if you can guess which one of these wonderful prizes is NOT in this year's basket:

• A Krups kitchen set, including a coffeemaker, a toaster, an electric kettle and a year's supply of coffee and tea ($700). Too bad Britney isn't presenting...this could save her from some more potentially embarrassing Starbucks runs.

• A red leather case filled with Shu Uemura cosmetics, including mink eyelashes ($600). Because everyone needs mink eyelashes.

• A two-night stay at the Carlyle hotel in New York ($2,300). This place is located right on Central Park and features rooms that run up to six grand a night. In other words, cheap slobs like myself would probably be quickly and quietly diverted across the street to avoid too close of contact to the posh and elite.

• A three-night stay at San Ysidro Ranch, where Laurence Olivier and Vivian Leigh got married and John and Jackie Kennedy honeymooned ($3,000).

• A three-night stay for two (plus a "personal surf-butler") at St. Regis Monarch Beach Resort & Spa in Dana Point, Calif. ($5,900). What exactly is a "personal surf-butler"? I'm imagining some poor schmo dressed in tails who has to dash out in the ocean and help celebs to their feet when a wave knocks them over. Or maybe it's just surprise guest Farnsworth Bentley.

• A four-night stay at the Halekulani Resort in Waikiki, complete with spa treatments, dinner at the on-site five-diamond restaurant and an ocean front room. There is no value included with this but I estimate it to be worth around six months' rent.

• A dinner party at any Morton's Steakhouse ($1,500), a place that I'm pretty sure you won't get a seat at if you showed up dressed like Federline.

• A Tahitian pearl necklace ($1,300). The picture kind of made it look like one of those eagle's-foot-holding-a-globe necklaces you can win at the fair when you squirt water into the clown's mouth better than everyone else.

• Kay Unger cashmere pajama bottoms ($500)...what??

• An unlimited day of services at Cornelia Day Resort in New York City ($3,500), a place that boasts a rooftop pool where you can float around and get a massage at the same time for $200 an hour.

• A full day of free repair services from Mr. Handyman. Question: what does this "Mr. Handyman" look like? Because if Mr. Handyman is hot, this might be the best gift in the whole package.

• A day of boxing with Joe Frazier.

• A full day of getting your butt wiped for you by a representative from Mr. Buttwipe.

Did you guess which one is the fake gift? This is not all, but my chakra is falling out of alignment and that isn't good for my endochrine system. If you're so inclined, you can visit Swagtime and snag some of these fantabulous gifts and packages for yourself. Wow, you can be just like a pampered, A-list celebrity! Except without all the photogs up your ass and the creepy fan fiction.