Beach Bums: In Hawai'i with the Federlines

In light of all the Academy Awards fuss, how dare we forget that our most loveable little darling pop-tart Miss Britney is hardly absent from the limelight and the prying cameras of the paparazzi. Poor dear! How can she possibly live a normal life and wear her cowboy hats and Juicy sweatsuits in peace with all these parasites invading her privacy? All she wants is some alone time in Hawai'i with her louse-ridden hubby, servants, managers, publicists, spiritual advisors, personal trainers, massage therapists, professional zit-poppers, baristas, hangers-on and that squirmy little bald thing that showed up a few months ago—it's so funny when he pees in the nanny's face! Oh, yeah, and nannies.

Before her much-hyped and inspirational appearance at Mardi Gras—during which sunbeams broke through the clouds, rainbows miraculously appeared and everyone in New Orleans joined hands and hummed "Toxic," suddenly forgetting all about that unpleasant Katrina business—Britty and crew (sans Kev) wisked off to Maui for a relaxing little vaca. Word is she is going to hole up in paradise to "work" on "her" new "album." The other word is that back in Malibu, MC Skat Kat gave the bong a break and was spotted wandering around in a parking lot with some short, blonde, stupid-looking chick that wasn't Britney! And they had their arms around each other! And K-Fed's pants were hanging halfway off of his ass! This can only mean one thing: it's Obvious PR Spin Time!

Faster than you can say "po-po-popozao," Britty's spin doctors immediately flew Federfucker out to Hawai'i and then sent the couple on a romantic walk, complete with Kev holding Brit's chubby little hand, to be captured on film by the lurking photographers. See what they did there? They used the paparazzi FOR their benefit and they didn't even know it! They think they are taking pics to use against Brit and Kev to talk about their idiotic outfits and how they are probably going to see the "Larry the Cable Guy" movie. Haw haw, they sure fooled the public! When you have lots of money, you can do things like that. Whether or not anyone believes this, one thing these photos DID show us was that these two better call Janet "Miss Jackson" 'cause they're really, really nasty. *rim shot*

I was kind of hoping that the little blonde K-Fed was cuddling in that picture was Brit's little sister, Jamie Lynn. Now THAT would be a story, wouldn't it? Alas, it was just some random groupie that will forever be known as "that girl Federline had his arm around in a parking lot." They certainly don't make them like Miss Pamela anymore, do they?

In the meantime, let's raise a glass of Franzia Zin (America's top-selling wine, dontcha know) and wish the Dynamic Duo a dream vacation in Hawai'i, where the Old Milwaukee flows like wine, the Pall Malls are in endless supply and room service delivers pork rinds. We can only hope they find a tiki idol...