Boys, Breeders & Blockheads: It's the 1st Annual Stupies!

After a brief hiatus, during which I made significant headway in "Lords of Chaos" and gathered the latest deliciously trashy Britney news, I'm back and ready to rant. But since I am refreshed and relaxed and feeling not so mean after my little vaca, I decided I'd do something a little more fun and a little less debased by offering up yet another awards line-up. It is that time of year, after all. And in true Stupid & Contagious fashion, it's better late than never.

So without further ado, I present the 1st Annual Stupid & Contagious Awards (aka The Stupies)! "Winners" will recieve an attractive certificate (if I ever get around to making them, which is highly unlikely) and the smug satisfaction of having been thought of in some regard by a peon such as myself. What more could you want? Remember: anyone can win an Oscar, but only a select few can win a Stupie! And now on with the show...

• Most Annoying •
Buckethead. Who the fuck is this guy and why in the name of all that's holy does he go around wearing a bucket on his head? Why does the bucket sometimes say "Funeral" on it? Why is he wearing a Shatner mask (which he is hilariously smoking through in this picture) and a Slash wig? Why is he now a part of Guns N' Roses? Why, why, WHY? So many unanswered questions. And yet, I really don't care about the answers.

• Cutest •
Behold the sultry, sulky, shaggy and sexy, sexy, sexy Ville Valo. He's so wonderfully bad, stinky and dirty—and so, so pretty. While the Norwegians are tearing each other up next door, Helsinki is turning out tortured, high-cheekboned goth rockers such as this. I want to höyhentää his kengänkärki.

• Coolest •
Joan Jett, as usual. Without her, there would be no RockitQueen. And if I could be anyone besides RockitQueen, it would be Joan. Also nominated: Bjork, Amy Sedaris, Benicio del Toro, Gary Dourdan, Anthony Hopkins, and Tito Jackson.

• White Trashiest •
This one was really tough, as there were so many slimeballs from which to choose. But in a surprise slam-dunk, Britney and K-Fed walk away with the Stupie! You are just as surprised as I.

• Best Reality Freak •
Two words: Duncan Nutter.

• Song of the Year •
"Shine It All Around" by Robert Plant & the Strange Sensation.

• Lamest Song Of The Year •
Anything by Bright Eyes because I HATE HATE HATE LOATHE AND HATE that name! I don't think I've ever heard anything by him, but I imagine it is annoyingly whiny, singer-songwriter mush pablum for 12-year-olds to swoon over.

• Best Show •
Hands down: "Dog the Bounty Hunter." This show goes above and beyond your typical reality schlock, bringing action, adventure, good quotes and some seriously bad hair directly into your living room. Dog and Co. represent a kinder, gentler variety of white trash (my kind of stock)—that which brings the whoop-ass when necessary, but then offers a kind word and a helpful hand to the very fugitives they've just picked up. And I think Dog's son Leland is kind of hot.

• Worst Show •
"According to Jim." I've never seen it. I probably will never see it. But I'd say this is a pretty solid educated guess.

• Freakiest •
At three in the morning after a night of drunken debauchery, I saw this show called "Obsessed" on A&E or Discovery or one of those channels and I swear to god I didn't imagine it. It was all about people with addictions that were taking over their lives. One woman bilked something like $4 million from the company she worked for to buy vintage cars, collectables and so much crap that she filled her home from floor to ceiling; there was actually a small trail forged through the mounds of shit. There were a few other weirdos, too, but the best was this guy who has dedicated his life to making himself look like a tiger. He has implants in his cheeks, nose, forehead and lips, facial tattoos, specially-made cat-eye contacts, "whisker piercings" in his cheeks and much more for that super-fierce big cat look. I know he's not really famous or anything, but I think it's pretty safe to say he's riding a square-wheeled unicycle to Crazy Town, population: Michael Jackson.

• Most Morbidly Fascinating •
Our favorite black metaller-turned-murderer-turned-nazi sympathizer Count Grishnackh shares this prestigious Stupie with The Duggars, consisting of parents Jim-Bob and Michelle and their litter of 17 kids. How, you ask, do these seemingly nice folks find themselves in a category with a nutball like the Count? For these reasons:
• They all dress alike.
• The kids are all homeschooled. Why is it that all these families that have spawn in the double digits insist on homeschooling their kids? Anyway, I saw a show about them and the kids were learning about bankruptcy and some kind of soy foam insulation.
• They love tater tot casserole.
• Michelle's hair.
• They endorse "Wholesome Swimwear" that "highlights the face, rather than the body." I wish I was kidding.
• THEY WON'T STOP BREEDING.

• Why Is This Person Considered Hot? Award •
Male: Ben Affleck, who looks like he probably smells like a combo of ciggie smoke, hot dogs and balls. Female: Jennifer Aniston, who isn't cute by any stretch of the imagination, yet somehow always gets chosen one of the hottest chicks ever by men's magazines.

• Why Is This Person Famous? Award •
It's a group tie for the cast of "Laguna Beach."

• Hindenburg Award •
This award is given to the person/persons/things that we can't take our eyes off even as they/it are crashing, burning and emitting noxious gasses that will asphixiate all of us as we stare. This year's winner is Joe Simpson, father of Jessica and Ashlee. Whether he's badly spin-doctoring defenses to cover up the obviously-unwanted Ashlee's constant fuck-ups, repressing his own obvious homosexuality, or letching after Jessica's funbags, he's a PR disaster waiting to happen. Can't wait for that blimp to go up in flames (pun intended).

• Stupid & Contagious Person of the Year •
It's not a person, it's a country. The winner is NORWAY! Congratulations, Norway! What other magical land has so captured and terrorized our imaginations in the last few months? What other faraway kingdom has contributed such an absurd volume of maniacal fiends to the music industry? And what other bewitching country do I hope has a really good sense of humor for all the flack I've given them and will not send a goth lynch mob after me because it's all done in good humor and, look, I gave you my blog's top honor! I will vow not to make fun of your spiked chestplates, corpse facepaint and studded kneepads on the red carpet. Promise!