One thing I often say the world needs is a stricter definition of what is considered "art." Now, I don't mean I want things banned, but perhaps critics could be more, well, CRITICAL about what is *really* a creative, provacative, artistic statement and what is just gag-worthy shock value. I mean, collecting your used tampons for months and displaying them in a filing cabinet at the Met? Or suspending animal carcasses in glass cubes filled with formaldahyde? Or "draping" islands and bridges? Damien Hirst is the second highest-paid living artist, next to Jasper Johns. This makes me want to fall into a coma.
Well, brace yourself and get ready for what is quite possibly the worst example of so-called art ever unveiled. Some douchebag named Daniel Edwards has created the "Monument To Pro-Life: The Birth of Sean Preston" which is currently being foisted on the public at the Capla Kesting Fine Art center in Brooklyn. I am utterly aghast: it's a monument to Britney and her never-done-before breakthrough decision to put motherhood before her career. It depicts a pregnant "Britney" posed on all fours on a bearskin rug with the top of the baby's head "emerging"—ug, I just can't type any more description. It is simply the most fucking absurd sculpture that has ever been created.
I can't even begin to explain the ridiculous "meaning" behind the work. The official press release babbles with explaination that would be comical if it weren't so freakish:
"Pop-star Britney Spears is the 'ideal' model for Pro-Life"
Is this guy on crack?
"Dedication of the life-sized statue celebrates the recent birth of Spears’ baby boy, Sean, and applauds her decision of placing family before career. 'A superstar at Britney’s young age having a child is rare in today’s celebrity culture. This dedication honors Britney for the rarity of her choice and bravery of her decision,' said gallery co-director, Lincoln Capla."
Wow, Britney is such a groundbreaker! Most women would make the selfish choice to continue working, or worse yet, abort, because all of them have the money, staff and support systems so that not working is always an option. But not Brit—she chose to instead steal the boyfriend of a pregnant woman with two small children, gallavant around the world recording every slobbery kiss and bong hit, and then have a save-the-relationship baby, which she proceeds to either pawn off to her team of lackeys or perch on her lap unrestrained as she swerves down the highway with a frappacino in one hand trying to mow down paparazzi. So rare, so brave! I'm sure Shar Jackson would agree.
"The monument also acknowledges the pop-diva’s pin-up past by showing Spears seductively posed on all fours atop a bearskin rug with back arched, pelvis thrust upward, as she clutches the bear’s ears with ‘water-retentive’ hands."
Oh, now I get it. Danny-boy was really trying to make a Britney sex doll, got caught in the act and tried to save face by claiming it's some kind of pro-life celebration of motherhood. And "water-retentive hands"? What the fuck does that mean? I get the feeling whoever wrote this idiotic press release watched a bunch of those 1950s films about "womanly cycles" and still thinks that chicks can't go swimming during their periods.
“'Britney provides inspiration for those struggling with the ‘right choice’,' said artist Daniel Edwards. “She was number one with Google last year, with good reason—people are inspired by the beauty of a pregnant woman."
No, dumbass, people were fascinated by the fact that someone with so much money can't manage to comb her hair, dress herself in clean clothes or comprehend that having a baby won't improve her dysfunctional relationship with a pothead drifter.
"Capla Kesting denies the statue was developed from a rumored bootleg Britney Spears birth video."
Oh my god...hold on...I just threw up in my mouth. This is the most disturbing Brit-Brit rumor yet. I'm going to pretend I didn't just read that and move on...
As a former art student, this makes me want to find this Daniel Edwards character, slap a straight jacket on him and display him in a padded room at the Whitney. I'd call it:
"Untitled (Assjacker Who Created Asinine Birthing Memorial To Untalented White Trash Dingdong)"
Cost: Nothing, just make it stop