The Girls With the Most Steak: An Ode To Groupies

In light of the horrifying release of the Scott Stapp/Kid Rock sex tape, I thought I'd turn lemons into Lynchburg lemonade and pen a tribute to that most dedicated, devoted and debaucherous subculture of rock devotees, known affectionately as "the groupie." This is an oft-misunderstood bunch. These wild and crazy gals stop at nothing to meet, greet and accomodate their rock idols and hopefully live on to tell the freeky-deeky tale. Indeed, groupiedom has spawned some of the best stories you've ever heard, guaranteed to make even the most uninhibited among us turn bright red and say, "Heavens to motherfucking Betsy."

I recently read Pamela des Barres' memoir "I'm With The Band: Confessions Of A Groupie", which was like devouring a five-course meal at Morton's for free. I'll be honest: I always had this exhorbitant fantasy of running off to L.A., dressing up like a super tramp and gallavanting around on the Sunset Strip looking for good bands and bad boys. It's not much to aspire to these days, as evidenced by the wretched creatures that voluntarily exposed themselves to Scott Stapp's ween, so I would amend that fantasy to include time travel back to the era when I could have chased around '60s rock gods and sniff glue with Miss Pamela.

Unfortunately, Groupie Central, the online home of the best I-fucked-a-rock-star-and-his-dick-is-this-big-and-wait-until-you-hear-what-freaky-stuff-he's-into stories ever, is now defunct. But it was there that you would learn such esoteric bombshells as who likes chicks to sit on his face, who gets so high he can't get it up, and who has the biggest cock in rock next to Tommy Lee and Peter Steele (here's a hint: it's the guitar player from the original Guns N' Roses that ISN'T Slash). Anyway, Metal Sludge has a pretty good round-up of rated metal guys, as well as a list of groupies and their conquests. I'm sure I don't have to tell you that these pages are HNSFW (hella not safe for work).

The groupies of today seem to consist mainly of porn stars and Hooters waitresses, and the don't hold a zippo to the Band Aids of yesteryear—the chicks that today have made very lucrative businesses off of their rock-n-roll adventures— including

• Bebe Buell, who had a long affair with Elvis Costello, a child with Steven Tyler and a night of adult passion with Mick Jagger;

• "Sweet Connie" Hamzy, known for "accomodating" pretty much every rocker to roll into Little Rock, including Peter Frampton, Don Henley and Gene Simmons;

• Morgana Welch, the '70s party girl who keeps an online diary of her past escapades with Led Zeppelin, The Who and Joe Cocker;

• Cynthia Plaster Caster, the innovator that molded the junk of such stars as Jimi Hendrix, Jello Biafra and MC5's Wayne Kramer,

• the unnamed groupies highlighted in Motley Crue's book "The Dirt" who shit in a litter box in front of the band and called their moms from a telephone inserted into another chick's "area",

• and, of course, Miss Pamela des Barres, the queen of all groupies who once did a naked backbend for Jim Morrison, climbed Mt. Jimmy Page and served as a muse for Frank Zappa.

As you can see, the likes of Lisa Moorish, who had babies with the unibrowed Liam Gallahger and crackhead/Kate Moss corruptor Pete Doherty simply do not compare. However, I am really fascinated by the groupies that give blow jobs to Scott Stapp and allow it to be recorded. These are the gals that fall into the category of groupie I like to call "Standard-Free." Anyone who has put out for the following people falls into this special class: Lemmy Kilmister, Mick Mars, Fieldy from Korn, C.C. DeVille, any member of Nickelback, Fred Durst, either of the Gallahger brothers, and any member of KISS out of makeup. There are more, but these guys seem to get as much, if not more, poon than actual bona-fide hot rockers. I'm also convinced that roadies actually get more ass than the band does. Come on, they are the first line of defense between the fans and the stars—they have the second-biggest pull next to the band members themselves. And you can't say they don't deserve it since they pretty much have to pick up after and cater to belligerant rock stars hand and foot. The least they can do is introduce the girls to the band after they bang them.

Surprised I haven't used the word "slut" yet? That's because pretty much every music fan is a groupie. Some just have specific ambitions, and who is going to fault them? Rock does strange things to people, after all.