The Count Grishnackh Makeover

It's the long-awaited Mayhem update post! It's been a while because I've been wading through the nearly 400 pages of "Lords of Chaos" and not making a whole lotta progress (give me a break, I'm a slow reader), so I decided to instead troll the 'net to feed the hungry masses the Mayhem news they demand from me. Lucky for you, I found a few "interesting" tidbits to share.

First off, it appears your boyfriend Count Grishnackh has had a little makeover and has chosen to go for the super-sexxy nazi look, complete with suspenders, brown shirt and Hitler-lite haircut. I found this* glamour shot on the uber-creepy Burzum website, which is dedicated to the Count's "band" (which seems to consist of him, a keyboard and the lonely echos bouncing around on the walls of his solitary confinement cell). I debated linking to the site, and decided that I don't want to give him the publicity, but just know that it contains pages and pages of the Count's incoherant ramblings about the Bronze Age and Thor and sun kingdoms and world orders and...bliggidy blah. I tried to make heads or tails of it, at least so I could make fun, but I started to get the feeling the FBI might flag me for spending too much time on the page. Before I erased my search history, I did check out the "articles" section and , not surprisingly, Grisshy alledges that only SOME of the stories posted about him are accurate. Who does he think he is? Lindsay Lohan? I thought teen queens and C-listers were the only people that were quoted "out of context" in interviews. How wrong I was. The aryan brotherhood is really just a bunch of misunderstood scamps that just want to dance.

On a side note, if I ever get arrested, I'm hoping it happens in Norway. Despite their harsh shunning policies when it comes to underperforming Olympic athletes, they seem to have a pretty freaking lenient criminal justice system in place. Forgetting that the maximum sentence you can EVER get for ANYTHING is 21 years, the prisons allow the inmates to wear whatever they please, let Grish have a keyboard and a computer in his cell and, most depressing of all, permit conjugal visits. That means the Count is getting laid! The humanity...

Besides all that, Grish got some kind of "free weekend" out of the joint to visit god only knows who, and the virtuoso immediately amassed a stockpile of automatic weapons, jacked a car and led the fuzz on a high-speed chase around town. I bet you think he got 25-to-life for all this, right? Wrongo! He got TWO FUCKING YEARS! That means Grish is due to be released this year, so if you are a blonde, blue-eyed white person and happen to live in Norway and you happen to see the guy in the picture above* lurking around, make a run for the loo and stand on the toilet so he doesn't see your feet.

Now on to a more buoyant topic: my new fave pic of Immortal. Just take a look to the left and say it: what the motherfucking fuck? It looks like some sad goth kid posing for a senior picture, but can't let go of the goth act even to please mom. She simply can't give this picture of him hissing at the camera to Grandma, now can she? You'll notice the spiked shinpads are back, and this time with matching studded armguards, but he's also put on what appears to be a V-necked sleeveless Hanes Beefy Tee. And, hey, has anyone seen '70s-era Yoko Ono lately? Because I think he scalped her! Something tells me he's not calling up random people to tell them he loves them, though.

I know, I know. It's not very nice of me to make fun of people, especially black metallers that don't know anything beyond, well, black, spiked and threatening. But these blog entries practically write themselves and I'm just being lazy.

* Note: I did have a picture of this for you to enjoy, but I took it down because it was creeping me out.