It's that time of year again!

Please take some time to offer a moment of silence for Jdimytai "Jimmy" Damour. One year ago today, Jimmy was trampled to death in a Wal-Mart by a bloodthirsty crowd of Doorbusters who assigned more value to flat screen TV than to a poor hapless employee's life. To make the story more depressing, Jimmy was a temp worker who was probably making $7.25 an hour. Most likely less since it's Wal-Mart.

This year, Wal-Mart has instated a brilliant plan to cut down on Black Friday stampedes (and annoying lawsuits from the families of dead employees). This morning, customers were allowed to herd in early and line up beside the product they want to cage fight over. Ingenious! Let them all biting each others' noses off for Rock Band in little groups around the store instead of in one big murderous mob. It's probably easier to pull the bodies out that way.

I may make it a yearly S&C tradition to relay some Black Friday horror stories, because you know this Wal-Mart plan is going to produce some. Here are a few I found online.

Some early bird shoppers were using shopping carts to block aisles in the store, and some even abandoned their carts some 10 feet inside the store entrance, so that other shoppers wouldn’t get ahead of them in the mad rush for merch.

In 1997, the most dangerous toy of all was created: Tickle Me Elmo. For some reason, everyone needed to have a red monster who giggled and vibrated, and they would go to all means necessary. Hustlers rushed to stores on Black Friday, to later sell Elmo online for up to $1500. An employee at Hot Topic was injured when, as he was holding the last remaining Elmo, a group of shoppers literally attacked him. He suffered a broken rib and a concussion.

I crossed the street from my house, and went to cross the parking lot intersection immediately thereafter. Not being a complete idiot (I hope) I looked both ways, saw traffic slowing for the stop sign, so I foolishly ventured across the road. And was promptly, and rather painfully, hit by a late '90s Dodge Ram. So while I sat on the curb waiting for the police to arrive, I remembered why exactly it was that I lock myself in the house on the day after Thanksgiving, but also that other people should do the same. The woman that hit me (other than apologizing profusely) said she was "too busy looking at ads" to notice me.

I saw a guy holding a sign that said "will suck dick for God of War."

If you're shopping today, please be nice to the employees. I realize it's hard when you're surrounded by sick, screaming children, greedy assholes and other failures of humanity, but it might be the one ounce of human decency and kindness they've experienced all day.

P.S. That stupid Jane Seymour "double heart" necklace looks like boobs and a butt. Dr. Quinn should stick to medicine because she sure ain't a jewelry design woman. Har har.

My new life ambition: corporate drone by day, avant garde popstress in Alexander McQueen by night

Finally, someone cares about making music videos again. Lady Gaga, I want to be you when I grow up.



She's so fucking awesome. (Anyone else think she looks like Amy Winehouse meets Gwen Stefani?)

For the Bird

My crazed obsession with all things Sesame Street continues. I've been eagerly checking in to Google every day to see how they've done their Sesame-themed logo in honor of the show's 40th anniversary (they've been doing it for the past week). Now the New York Times has run an interview with one of my personal heroes...Big Bird! There are also some great questions and comments from Caroll Spinney, the 75-year-old puppeteer who has played Big Bird (and Oscar the Grouch) since the beginning. Because I love it so, I'm reproducing it in its entirety here. Sunny days!

On Tuesday, “Sesame Street” will celebrate its 40th anniversary with the usual array of songs and life lessons about numbers and nutrition and a special guest, the first lady, Michelle Obama, on hand to help out.

Meanwhile, Caroll Spinney, the puppeteer behind Big Bird and Oscar the Grouch, and Carol-Lynn Parente, executive producer, are answering questions from Times readers this week.

Mr. Spinney has embodied both the yin and the yang of “Sesame Street” since the show’s debut. Below, in the guise of everyone’s favorite Giant Golden Condor (who knew?), he responds to queries about Big Bird’s weight, about his dreams and about the existential nature of Mr. Snuffleupagus. Mr. Spinney, the puppeteer, and Ms. Parente also weigh in where appropriate.

Dear Big Bird,
I love you. How many brothers and sisters do you have?
—Jessica

“None.”

Is Big Bird a boy or a girl?
—Alanna

“Boy.”

Hey Big Bird! How much do you weigh?
—Ashley

“I’m light as a feather!”

Dear Mr. Bird,
Do you know of any bigger birds? If not, what’s the next biggest?
—Parker

“An ostrich.”

Hi Big Bird! What species of bird are you?
—Danielle

“A Giant Golden Condor but I’m really a lark.”

Hi Big Bird!!! I’m a huge fan. My question: Why are you yellow??
—Eike H.

“Because my mother and father were yellow.”

Are you naturally blond? In one photo, I thought I spotted a few dark feather-roots. Also, do you plan to go gray naturally? If so, will this just be your head, or your entire body?
—MaineGrammy

“Of course I’m a natural blond! I’ll never go gray I’ll always be blond, just like my mommy.”

Dear Big Bird,
Why is the Mexican Big Bird green? Are you related to him?
—André

“Yes, Abelardo is a parrot and he is my cousin!”

Hi Big Bird! What is your favorite letter and why?
—Annie F

“B! On my mailbox it says ‘bb’ and it stands for Big Bird — and that’s why.”

Dear Big Bird: Do you sleep on a tree and what do you dream about at night?
—Gwen, age 3

“I sleep in a nest and I dream about other birds.”

Hey Big Bird! What’s your favorite book and why?
—Victoria L

“The Audubon Book of Birds.”

Big Bird, do you have a favorite song?
—Rick

“LA, LA, LA.”

My kids insist that Cookie Monster has been transformed into “Veggie Monster” for the sake of political correctness in our overweight world. Please say it isn’t so!
—Aaron

“It isn’t so! Cookie Monster still loves to eat cookies. But now he also likes to eat healthy foods like carrots, and knows it’s alright to eat foods like cookies sometimes.”

A question for Oscar: Does he still have that elephant in his dustbin?
—Linus F (Trinidad & Tobago)

“Fluffy, yes. Fluffy still lives in my trash can — not my dust bin.

Hello Mr. Bird,
Snuffy was always a figment of your imagination. After revisiting the show during a wave of nostalgia, I noticed everyone is now friends with Snuffy. How did the change come about?
—Janis Haddock

“Snuffy’s my best friend, he was never imaginary! It was just a matter of poor timing. Sometimes I would ask Snuffy to wait for me in one spot, then while I was away he would leave to go put on a tie or brush his teeth. And then when I came back he would be gone! But then one day he finally stuck around, and everyone could see that my friend Snuffy was real after all. I was so glad that day, because then I knew that my grown-up friends on Sesame Street would always believe me when I told them something that unusual but still true.”

CAROL-LYNN PARENTE: “It was always unclear whether Snuffy was real or just conveniently absent when anyone other than Big Bird was around. We decided to confirm that Snuffy was in fact a real friend of Big Bird in the mid ’80s when there were several incidents of child abuse in the news and there was some concern whether the investigations done with children could be believed. We didn’t want to model the adults in the community not believing Big Bird and an episode was written for his big reveal.”

How do Muppeteers sustain arms-over-head positions for extended periods required for “Sesame Street” segments? Are there fans in Big Bird’s (and others) costume?
—Meg in DC

MS. PARENTE: “Puppeteers are in extraordinary condition to sustain such physical performances. There are not fans or cooling devices in the Big Bird or Snuffy puppets. We limit the amount of time the performers can be in costume by taping the show in shorter segments that all get put together in post-production.”

Mr. Spinney,
Have improvements in technology inside the BB costume made your job easier over the years? I’m thinking of your vision, microphones and what I must assume is the high temperature inside the costume under studio lights and long takes?
—Victor

CAROLL SPINNEY: “Jim Henson rigged up the monitor and the harness and the microphone that I used and the set-up is exactly the same as it was from day one. Forty years later, I still use the same system but I have replaced the batteries. Believe it or not, the costume is not as hot as you would think — and I take off the top feathers approximately every seven to ten minutes so I get to cool off between takes.”

How do you feel about the changes that have been made to “Sesame Street” over the years? Also, how do you feel about the fact that when the DVD set of the early “Sesame Street” years was released, it was labeled as not suitable for young children? (I was a young child then, and I don’t think it did me any harm!)
—Lisa

MS. PARENTE: “I love that the changes to ‘Sesame Street’ let a new generation of children feel like this show was made for them. This isn’t their mommy or daddy’s ‘Sesame Street,’ but it does still have everything their parents loved about the show. The humor, the characters, the neighborhood that is ‘Sesame Street’ is still intact, but the visual and audio style reflect what appeals to children today.

“As for the label at the top of our ‘Old School’ DVD releases, the warning is a product of the changing times. There was and is nothing about that content that is harmful, however, it was made in a different time, when for instance, we would have modeled children riding bicycles without helmets and riding in cars without seat-belts — things we would no longer choose to do for the safety reasons.”

I know that excerpts from the first seasons are now available on DVD. But are there any plans to put entire episodes on DVD, say of the first five or six shows? Also, will the first two record albums ever be available on CD?
—Andy

MS PARENTE: “Our ‘Old School’ DVD releases actually include several full show episodes from the early years. It is possible that we will continue that series with additional releases of more shows.

“We are currently exploring release of several of our best selling albums for CD or digital download release. Stay tuned!”

Snow blows

I've been gone for a minute, now I'm back with the jump off. And with Halloween on the horizon, our topic today is, of course, most frightful.

A couple months ago, I blogged about aging, strident '70s bimbot Suzanne Somers and how she's followed up her illustrious career in television (RIP Step By Step) by going on to earn about 10 doctorate degrees in various medical specialties, including dermatology, internal medicine, oncology and, of course, obstetrics and gynecology. Her tireless research on the aging process led to the groundbreaking discovery that women can literally turn back the clock by taking more than 40 supplements a day, drinking sludge smoothies, slathering non-FDA regulated hormone cream on your arms, standing on your head and shooting estrogen into your cootch with a syringe.

Oh wait, I mean that she's actually an aging strident '70s bimbot who DOESN'T have any kind of medical degree, yet still writes books and goes on every talk show to yap about her ridiculous and dangerous snake oil treatments to anyone who will listen. This is a woman who is a cancer survivor and had a hysterectomy and is still too stupid and arrogant to admit that maybe, just maybe, her witch doctor-approved regimen caused her to get sick. And what a surprise! Research even shows that unregulated hormone therapies, like the ones Suzanne takes, can lead to—dun-dun-DUN!—CANCER!

Certainly we could never expect a celebutard like the woman behind Chrissy Snow to admit she may have been wrong. Of course not, because she wracks up quite the windfall from all this quackery. Among the amazing products Suzanne endorses and sells under the Somersize™ and Suzanne™ umbrellas to help people waste money and cling to their pitiful attempts to reclaim youth:

• The infamous ThighMaster, "the best way to tone, shape and firm your inner thighs with just a few squeezes a day" ($19.99)

• The FaceMaster facial toning system that promises to "tighten all 22 facial muscles" and includes "finger wands for one-handed results," whatever the fuck that means and I know what it sounds like it means ($228.95)

• Suzanne-endorsed Life Extension Weight Loss Blood Test ($324)

• Endorsement of the NeoStem stem-cell bank, which "harvests" your own stem cells for future disease prevention ($7,500, plus an $800–$1,500 "mobilizing agent" fee and $62.50 monthly storage fee)

• Endorsement of LifeWave®, a company that produces some kind of homeopathic patches that "communicate with the body through the human magnetic field" to give one more energy, better sleep, joint pain relief, smoother skin, weight loss, etc. ($19.95–$89.95 per pack)

• Clothes and accessories, including Crystal Wing Sunglasses encrusted with Swarovski crystals ($50)

• The SomerSmile® Get White ($50) and Stay White ($20) tooth-whitening systems

• Somersize™ brand kitchen products, including the 5-liter electronic flash fryer ($59.95)

• A line of foods, including a Sour Apple Martini Mix, featuring Suzanne's own SomerSweet® sugar substitute ($9.99)

• A bunch of books on topics ranging from weight loss to being sexy to alcoholic parents to childhood abuse to chocolate recipes.

Grand total: at least $9,145.33 to be cool like Suzanne. Gee, Suze, it's so expensive to desperately grab for youth and beauty. Just how am I expected to keep this up and still make my car payments?

Anyway, the reason I bring this up now is because Suzanne is currently making the rounds to pimp her new book Knockout: Interviews With Doctors Who Are Curing Cancer and How To Prevent Getting It In The First Place. With all the preventative measures Suzanne takes, it's shocking that she still ended getting cancer and having to get a hysterectomy. I guess that's what makes her an expert on medical issues. It's kind of like when I became an expert on dental health after a nasty bout with a toothache. That experience led me to start practicing dentistry. But without all that school and stuff. I needed to get my message out and didn't have time to waste.

I also like how Suzanne has a never-ending supply of tantalizing personal tragedies to reveal every time she releases a book. This time, she claims she was misdiagnosed with "full body cancer" by some mean doctors who tried to kill her with evil Western medicine and suck her into the Big Pharma conspiracy. In reality she had valley fever, a fungal infection that is rather common in the southwest U.S. Her story is very dubious; among her questionable claims, she never reveals the name of the hospital or doctors who treated her...why wouldn't she? I'd sure as hell would want to know if this type of blatant malpractice was going on at my local hospital. But no. Instead she continues to advocate her alt-med dumbassery and blowhard about her precious horse pill regimen.

Now, I know I'm preaching to the choir, as by default, Stupid & Contagious readers are of above-average intelligence and wouldn't think of taking medical advice from the former star of She's the Sheriff. But that's not going to stop me from complaining because I'm so sick of seeing this dumb bitch's plastic face everywhere and I find her quest to stay young sad and pathetic. Like anyone is going to believe she "stays youthful" with creams and pills. So chemo is bad, but having plastic sacs installed in your boobs is a-ok? Also, I've got news for Suzanne—if all this crap is supposedly working, take a look at a close-up paparazzi shot. Bitch looks haggard.

Most of all, Suzanne's bullshit is insulting and offensive to anyone who has, had or knows someone with cancer (and we all do). This is a woman who reacted to Patrick Swayze's death from pancreatic cancer by saying, "They took this beautiful man and they basically put poison in him. Why couldn't they have built him up nutritionally and gotten rid of the toxins in his body? I hate to be this controversial. I'm a singer-dancer-comedienne. But we have an epidemic going on, and I have to say it." Chrissy Snow has spoken and the results are to be as expected. That bitch put the boob in "boob tube"!

Anyway, my blood pressure has topped off and It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown is on! Come to think of it, a quote from Linus perfectly sums up the thought process behind anyone who would look to Suzanne Somers for medical advice: "Everyone tells me you are a fake, but I believe in you. P.S. If you really are a fake, don't tell me. I don't want to know."

It's All Saints Day and everyone's Irish

The sequel to one of the greatest violent movies ever—The Boondock Saints—comes out on October 30 an it actually looks pretty fucking cool. And Peter Fonda is in it? Totally there.

Check out the trailer here.

Plenty of bitchery to come soon.

It's getting worse

This is a formal call for a protest against Frito-Lay. I ask all my friends to please, please, please stop eating Frito-Lay snacks, no matter how delicious they may be, and rip this sexist company a new one with complaint letters. And I mean *all* my friends, not just the gals. No one is safe from being made to look like a moronic, superficial dimbulb in the Only In A Woman's World advertising campaign.

I've covered this idiocy before, hoping that my ridicule (and that of countless other blogs) would shame Frito-Lay into aborting the campaign and spur the company into begging women for their forgiveness. And maybe offering some free bags of Miss Vickie's chips.

But no. Instead, they've created four new rampantly offensive "episodes" featuring the same stereotyped, neurotic, body-obsessed, man-crazy "gals" that set off my rage—you can read all about 'em in my original post linked above.

I'm just going to recap the new ads for you here, but you sort of have to see them to believe them.

• The Asian chick is in her yoga class (of course!) and her class rival enters the room. Asian immediately becomes competitive (OF COURSE!) and struggles to stretch into more difficult poses than the rival. As they're folding both legs frontways over their shoulders, the rival falls and Asian smirks! She won, she won! But then the class ends and the joke's on Asian because—ho! ho!—she's stuck!!

• The blonde is struggling to fit into her jeans. She screams at her husband for putting the pants in the dryer, but he swears he didn't. Hubby tries to help her pull them up but her muffin top is in the way. He says "I love you?" as a question. A message pops up that "Every woman has a story. Tell us yours and you could inspire our season finale!" Oh, boy!!! I should totally tell them about the time I tried to get into a really crazy yoga pose to one-up this flexible, skinny lady in my class and I GOT STUCK! Or about the time I couldn't get my jeans on because I gained some weight and I blamed it on the dryer!!! LOLOLOL! Oh, women and their simple, simple lives!

• The black chick is running like a maniac down the sidewalk as if she's being chased. She vaults over a wall, slides under a plate glass window being carried across the street and jumps with Six Million-Dollar Man sound effects before falling face flat on the ground. She gasps as a man's shadow looms above her. Is it a rapist, mugger or murderer? Worse—IT'S HER PERSONAL TRAINER! He says, "You should run with me, not away from me" and she claps like a child saying, "I ran! I ran!" OK, FUCKING SERIOUSLY???

• The black chick is upset because her hubby hired a hot new secretary. The blonde's reaction is to force her to watch a porno, which grosses her out, but apparently gives her the idea to dress up as a slutty nurse to get her husband's attention. In the midst of her awkward seduction, Hubby reveals that he had to fire the hot secretary because she "wasn't working out." This prompts Black Chick to throw off her stilettos, remove her chicken cutlet bra stuffers and storm out of the room. Hubby then picks up the chicken cutlet, squeezes it and smiles creepily.

So, let me get this straight: she's upset that he hires a hot secretary because...why? Duh! No man can be trusted around a supposedly beautiful woman. So her friend's advice isn't "get some self-esteem and get over it," like mine would be, but "check out 'Naughty Nurse Enema Sluts 27'", which (1) disgusts her because god forbid any woman should feel comfortable watching porn, and (2) somehow gives her the idea that she needs to do something she's obviously completely uncomfortable doing to get her FUCKING HUSBAND'S attention. Then, when he makes a seemingly innocent comment, she runs out of the room angry for no obvious reason and he is rendered speechless and drooling by a fucking fake breast.

So let's summarize what we've learned here:
• Women are so crazy about being perfect that they'll turn everything, even the activities they do for relaxation, into a competition and feel a smug sense of superiority when others fail.
• If women gain a few pounds and can't fit into their jeans, men should blame the dryer, or else stay out of their way because women are crazy.
• It's OK to suggest a woman is being chased and about to be attacked if the outcome is "funny."
• Women hate exercise and will do crazy things to get out of doing it.
• Men can't be trusted.
• Women are disgusted by porn.
• The only way to get a man's attention is by dressing slutty.
• Men are stupid.
• Women are CRAZY.

And the big questions still remains: WHAT THE FUCK DOES THIS ALL HAVE TO DO WITH FOOD???? The products are never mentioned or shown! Somehow the ad wizards who came up with this one think they can trick their Stepford customers into thinking their adorable little ad campaign will brainwash them into buying Frito-Lay's "lite" products.

This really hurts because I love Frito, but this ad campaign is fucking ridiculous and offensive.

People, we are BEYOND this. We are in the 21st century, for christ sakes! Mad Men is FICTION. These ads are an embarrassment to all of humanity. Frito-Lay, drop whoever is doing this horrific ad campaign for you before you do irreparable damage.

Here is the contact info for Frito-Lay. No doubt it won't help since they obviously sunk loads of money into this campaign/rebranding. But it will sure as hell make you feel better. I'm going to really spend some time on mine to make sure I cover every single aspect that pissed me off.

If I sound like one of those crazy women, I don't care because I AM! It's the 40th anniversary year of Woodstock! Let's fight the power, people! Sisterhood is powerful! We're not gonna take it, no we ain't gonna take it! Grrrl power! Riots, not diets!!!

Wish I was...

Sorry for all the videos/pics/fangirl/non-substance/absence of bitchiness. There's plenty of shit coming, I promise. In the meantime, here's a fairly rare one and an old fave: Jane's Addiction's official "Ocean Size" video (possibly NSFW, depending on how your desk is positioned). It = kickass. Holy crizzap, it's like I'm back in college again...