7/25/2008

Nomi Malone's Skool of Self-Esteem

Hot on the heels of yesterday's hot goss, we have another Saved by the Bell-related item:

Showgirls star Elizabeth Berkley is set to become a reality TV guru—she is launching her own show aimed at boosting teenage girls' self-esteem. The actress has signed a deal with MTV to develop a programme which will follow her around the U.S. as she teaches young women about confidence in special workshops.

The star has been running the sessions at American schools for over two years and MTV bosses were keen to reach out to the underrepresented demographic. Amy Bailey, MTV's vice president of News + Documentaries says, "We had been looking for a program that tackled the same issues, so it seemed like a perfect match." The show—entitled Ask-Elizabeth—is expected to debut in the U.S. later this year.


I don't know about you, but when I think "self-esteem," I think MTV! And I agree wholeheartedly that unattractive girls who are don't flash their boobs everytime they see a camera or gang bang the lacrosse team for a free T-shirt ARE an underrepresented demographic! So, way to go on that one, MTV!

As it turns out, Elizabeth has an entire website dedicated to helping teens feel good about themselves. But interestingly, the bio section completely leaves out her greatest cinematic (sinematic?) achievement. No, I'm not talking about the infamous Saved by the Bell "I'm so excited! I'm...so...scared!" episode. I'm talking about the celluloid (celluloin?) masterpiece known as...Showgirls!

Yes, another word that comes immediately to mind when I think of "self-esteem" is Showgirls. Elizabeth is really doing her young charges a disservice by leaving out this important fount of wisdom. Because there are so many good lessons to be learned from Showgirls. Lessons that teen wallflowers can really take to heart:

• Believe in yourself. If someone makes you feel bad, push them down a flight of stairs...topless.
• Don't sell yourself short. If a boy tries to sleep with you, get out of it by telling him you have your period. If he doesn't believe you, make him stick his hand down your pants and find out for himself.
• Dance like no one's watching! If someone criticizes your moves, kick them in the crotch.
• Want a mood boost? Do some volunteer work! Boat shows are a great place to lend a hand to old white men in need.
• Always hold a little bit back. Remember: dancing ain't fucking.
• Be a good friend. If someone brutally beats and rapes your BFF, do the right thing. Accept hush money then perform vigilante justice by seducing the perpetrator and spearing him with your stilletos.
• Take good care of yourself. No burgers for you...only brown rice and vegetables. How else do you expect to fit into the latest hot fashions from international designer Versayce?
• Believe in yourself—you can do anything! It may seem disgusting to lick that stripper pole, but imagine how proud you'll be when you get all those extra tips!
• Always be yourself! Even if "yourself" is a skanky, unscrupulous hooker.

She could even have Kyle MacLaughlin come out and discuss dating with the girls. He can tell them the real secret to getting a boy to like you: let him pour champagne on you in a swimming pool and then flail around like you've got an outboard motor attached to your back. (By the way, if you want to see something funny, rent Showgirls (unrated version only!) and watch the pool scene in reverse fast motion—hilarious!)

Anyway, this whole thing is about as hilarious as when Tyra said she felt she was put on this earth to instill self-esteem in girls. *jack off motion*

7/24/2008

Sex, drugs and Saved by the Bell

This sordid little tale comes to us courtesy of RockitSis, who I tortured for years by trying to force her to watch Saved by the Bell with me. What I felt was a harmless and hilarious way to get my lil' sis riled up has turned around to bite everyone in the ass in the form of a tell-all Saved by the Bell book penned by none other than porn star and Harvey Walden III-annoyer Dustin "Screetch" Diamond!

According to NYMag:

Sometimes a book deal comes along that you never knew you were waiting for, but, once it's announced, you realize it has been your secret wish all along. Which explains our reaction to the news that Dustin Diamond, whose high-pitched nerdy exploits as Samuel "Screech" Powers figured prominently in nearly thirteen (!) years of Saved by the Bell incarnations (plus that infamous sex tape), has jumped on the tell-all bandwagon. Behind the Bell, which Gotham Books preempted from Objective Entertainment's Jarred Weisfeld, promises to detail "sexual escapades among cast members, drug use, and hardcore partying," and for those of us who spent untold hours in our formative years memorizing "I'm So Excited" and the entire back catalog of Zack Attack, this is the greatest book deal in the history of the universe.

But Diamond, with an assist from veteran ghostwriter Alan Goldsher, will really strike pop-culture gold if he can answer our most burning question: What if Miss Bliss had moved to Bayside with the SBTB gang instead of Principal Belding? The course of television history might have been irrevocably altered.


Sexual escapades? Drug use? Hardcore partying?? Only if it's Belding!

Freaks like myself will remember that many of these gossipy tidbits were already revealed in the Saved by the Bell E! True Hollywood Story. We already know what became of most of the kids on the show:
• Tiffani-Amber Theissen was bitchtastic Val on 90210 and Billie on Fastlane.
• Mark-Paul Gosselaar was on some cop show and starred in one of the most underrated comedies in my twisted mind Dead Man on Campus.
• Mario Lopez continues to be everywhere although I don't know why. He played Greg Louganis. And didn't he supposedly rape someone at some point?
• Elizabeth Berkley followed her dreams to Vegas to make it as a skanky topless showgirl, eat hamburgers and push Gina Gershon down a flight of stairs.
• Dustin Diamond, of course, made one of the only celebrity sex tapes that I refuse to watch and almost got is ass kicked by drill sergeant Harvey on Celebrity Fit Club
• I think I saw the girl who played Lisa in a Lifetime Moment of Truth movie once.

And we also already know that they pretty much all screwed each other (except Screech, of course) and smoked weed in their dressing rooms. So I hope it's not just that kind of stuff. And I did always wonder what happened to the biker lesbian Tori.

Anyway, more to come as this story develops! B-buh-B-B-B-Go Bayside!

7/04/2008

Yay Freedom! Let's blow some shit up!

In the U.S., the Fourth of July means many things. It means history. It means patriotism. It means getting drunk and catching the grill on fire.

But most of all it means independence. Sovereignity. FREEDOM.

So on this day, let's celebrate by reflecting on the man who is the personification of these words: Count Grishnackh.

Oh wait, I'm sorry...I got it backwards. Count Grishnackh is actually the personification of the opposite of those words. Why, you ask? Because his fucking parole was revoked again! Hahahahahaha!!!

According to Norway's Aftenposten news the Count's harrowing escape attempt in '03 and his commisseration with neo-nazis didn't work too well in his favor. Of course, poor Count just doesn't understand it. He insists he hasn't talked to his SS pals in a long time and is upset that the cops are trying to make him apply for welfare. "They want me to make arrangements with social services, even though this is unnecessary," he bitched. "Must I be on welfare in order to be released? I have a house, a job and a family waiting for me."

A house? A job? A family? Ah, yes. I may have mentioned it in passing once, but the Count's got a kid. According to him he's only seen the little lassie twice since she was born in 1993. And, oh my god, if his Wikipedia page is to be believed, some lucky gal had his son in 2007 AND he's married! Excuse me for a moment while I clean the puke off my keyboard. What the living motherfucking fuck?? That prison is like the Eliot Spitzer high-class ho hotel! Conjugals, meds, carpeted rooms...it's better than my house! I think we should all move to Norway, commit crimes and then whoop it up in the party pokey for 21 years.

Now I'm all pissed off. I need something to make me feel better...oh, here we go: a documentary about the Count! Finally! And it's a pretty good one. In Satan Rides the Media, we're treated to the usual story about Count's crimes, plus some new details from the case (at least ones I, the president of the Norwegian Black Metal Research Commission, haven't heard before). Most notable is a media frenzy over a cave that was dubbed the Count's "catacomb." Local newspapers speculated that this cave was filled with gnawed-on human bones, weapons and other Satanic goodies, but it ended up being just full of swamp sludge, which is kind of funny.

Also worth noting is the really awesome Burzum video we get to see. Basically, it's just camera-phone footage of clouds, forests and forests with clouds over them. I expect this is meant to depict Norwegian pride because I think they have a lot of forests and clouds or something over there, but it could have just as easily been filmed at Keemosahbee Boy Scout Camp in Eastford, Connecticut.

Also watch closely during the coverage of the Count's trial, particularly around the 39:20 mark. You'll see some sad little groupies in the courtroom who all gasp when the Count waltzes in and...tosses his hair like he's filming a Pantene commercial. It's fucking hilarious. What a media whore.

It's all pretty entertaining, but my favorite part is when they mention Kiss as a black metal influence and show Gene rocking out to "I Was Made for Lovin' You." From the fucking Dynasty disco album. Brilliant. Also, check out Anton LaVey's cute little devil outfit, complete with plushy little horns. It's adorable and I want one. I think I'll have my Grandma make me one for Halloween.

Happy 4th, wackadoos!
XOXO, Rockit