7/25/2008

Nomi Malone's Skool of Self-Esteem

Hot on the heels of yesterday's hot goss, we have another Saved by the Bell-related item:

Showgirls star Elizabeth Berkley is set to become a reality TV guru—she is launching her own show aimed at boosting teenage girls' self-esteem. The actress has signed a deal with MTV to develop a programme which will follow her around the U.S. as she teaches young women about confidence in special workshops.

The star has been running the sessions at American schools for over two years and MTV bosses were keen to reach out to the underrepresented demographic. Amy Bailey, MTV's vice president of News + Documentaries says, "We had been looking for a program that tackled the same issues, so it seemed like a perfect match." The show—entitled Ask-Elizabeth—is expected to debut in the U.S. later this year.


I don't know about you, but when I think "self-esteem," I think MTV! And I agree wholeheartedly that unattractive girls who are don't flash their boobs everytime they see a camera or gang bang the lacrosse team for a free T-shirt ARE an underrepresented demographic! So, way to go on that one, MTV!

As it turns out, Elizabeth has an entire website dedicated to helping teens feel good about themselves. But interestingly, the bio section completely leaves out her greatest cinematic (sinematic?) achievement. No, I'm not talking about the infamous Saved by the Bell "I'm so excited! I'm...so...scared!" episode. I'm talking about the celluloid (celluloin?) masterpiece known as...Showgirls!

Yes, another word that comes immediately to mind when I think of "self-esteem" is Showgirls. Elizabeth is really doing her young charges a disservice by leaving out this important fount of wisdom. Because there are so many good lessons to be learned from Showgirls. Lessons that teen wallflowers can really take to heart:

• Believe in yourself. If someone makes you feel bad, push them down a flight of stairs...topless.
• Don't sell yourself short. If a boy tries to sleep with you, get out of it by telling him you have your period. If he doesn't believe you, make him stick his hand down your pants and find out for himself.
• Dance like no one's watching! If someone criticizes your moves, kick them in the crotch.
• Want a mood boost? Do some volunteer work! Boat shows are a great place to lend a hand to old white men in need.
• Always hold a little bit back. Remember: dancing ain't fucking.
• Be a good friend. If someone brutally beats and rapes your BFF, do the right thing. Accept hush money then perform vigilante justice by seducing the perpetrator and spearing him with your stilletos.
• Take good care of yourself. No burgers for you...only brown rice and vegetables. How else do you expect to fit into the latest hot fashions from international designer Versayce?
• Believe in yourself—you can do anything! It may seem disgusting to lick that stripper pole, but imagine how proud you'll be when you get all those extra tips!
• Always be yourself! Even if "yourself" is a skanky, unscrupulous hooker.

She could even have Kyle MacLaughlin come out and discuss dating with the girls. He can tell them the real secret to getting a boy to like you: let him pour champagne on you in a swimming pool and then flail around like you've got an outboard motor attached to your back. (By the way, if you want to see something funny, rent Showgirls (unrated version only!) and watch the pool scene in reverse fast motion—hilarious!)

Anyway, this whole thing is about as hilarious as when Tyra said she felt she was put on this earth to instill self-esteem in girls. *jack off motion*

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