Hi, I'm Kenny Rogers and this is Jackass!

Man, that never gets old! But that's besides the point—this post has nothing to do with pretend Kenny and his sticky-uppy hair. The jackass in question today is our favorite lovable little nazi Count Grishnackh. We haven't talked about him in a while! I should say up front that as long as I keep coming across this ridiculous shit, then you are going to have to read about it. Oh, shut up...you know you love it.

Anyway, on with the madness. So you may recall a post I did a while back on jailed homicidal maniac/black metal freako Varg Vikernes, aka Count Grishnackh, when he got some kind of leave from his 21-year prison term and chose to spend it by stealing a station wagon, stockpiling weapons and leading the police on a high-speed chase. Don't remember? That's OK, because now, through the power of YouTube, you are able to view authentic video of a Norwegian news report on the debacle, complete with footage of Count's capture! Unfourtunately, it's not very exciting, and it's in Norse so you can't understand a word (unless, of course, you speak this magical language), but it's the Count and I believe the hilariousness of this clip is universal.

And yeah—he stole a STATION WAGON. Ha, ha! Hey, does it have wood paneling? Is it the Family Truckster? Sorry, Count—not metal enough. You'll have to try again; perhaps next time you can commandeer a Gremlin or, even better, a Subaru Brat. I like how the Count tries to make a bold run for it but ends up gently bumping the back of the squad car. You can practically hear him screaming, "You'll never take me alive!" as he slams the car into neutral and rolls undramatically forward. If there is anything to admire the guy for, it's his undying, can-do tenacity. By the way, check out those swanky uniforms on the cops—fan-cee.

If you want to know where all this enthusiastic dementia began (and you have a lot of time on your hands, like I do), I bring you another interesting video—a NSFW 2003 documentary on Norwegian black metal, in 1, 2, 3 parts. You have to wade through painfully stupid intro music and a lame introductory spiel by the geeky hosts to get to it, and highlights include loads of unintelligable music clips and unintelligable interviews with members of Mayhem, Darkthrone, Emperor, Satyricon and something called Dimmu Borgir.

This video is not for the lazy (subtitles!), so I did the legwork for you—thank me later. Among other fun facts we learn:
• It's not OK to cut yourself if you are doing it for shock value; it's only acceptable if you're doing it for YOURSELF, according to Mayhem's Maniac (who has some hellishly harsh piercings, by the way).
• "If we are Hank Williams, then modern black metal is Garth Brooks," according to "Nocturno Culto" of Darkthrone.
• There is allegedly a secret black metal handshake, if "Satyr" of Satyricon is to be believed, but frankly I think he's fucking with us.
• Swearing too much makes Nocturno Culto have to pee.
• "Thrash" is accidentally spelled "trash" in the subtitles.
• Humming, dancing and making out are not very metal, according to Mayhem. And I'm sure this has nothing to do with the fact that pretty much everyone on the scene is offensively unattractive.

Beware: we are treated to live "cutting" clips, as well as endless shots of snowdrifts from the grim and frostbitten kingdom, which I find far more painful to look at. That all said, my concluding assessment is that Satyricon is the least credible of the bunch, chiefly for their use of a BLONDE skank in their video (naked and wrapped in a boa constrictor, no less). Unacceptable—black metal video skanks must be sad little dark-haired goths. They may think the addition of meat on hooks as video decoration cancels this out, but it simply does not. Plus, the drummer looks like Angelina Jolie's brother (the one she made out with) and is wearing unfashionable cat-eye contacts. Not scary, jerkoff, and so '96. You must pack your bags and go home, as you are not still in the running towards becoming America's Next Top Model.

I was going to say something else, but I don't know what else there is, plus I've had about enough jackassery for one day. How about watching that Kenny Rogers clip again, just to cleanse the palate? Man, that shit is hilarious.


Lola said...

Chicka-this may be your best rant ever.
I'm sorry.." 'If we are Hank Williams, then modern black metal is Garth Brooks,' according to "Nocturno Culto" of Darkthrone."
The Kenny Rogers vid...sweet.
I still haven't been to the post office. Oh, and the "litle man" vid I originally saw on VH1 ...natch.

Grimsmear said...

Ave, rockitqueen:

May all hail your valiant efforts to keep us abreast of the idiocy that is our world. If all you had done was introduce me to the sublime glories of Immortal, I would be greatly in your debt: the photos of them have brought more happiness to my life than any religion or philosophy ever did. Please keep writing or I’ll have to start paying attention to my job.

--Lord Grimsmear (Vlad to my friends)