Music videos that make me want to cry

This isn't entirely fair, 'cause money talks and it seems to have been pretty quiet for some of these vid shoots, but who cares? They deserve it! Remember this post and refer back when you are having a bad day. I guarantee you'll find at least one laugh here.

"Cherry Pie", Warrant
White room. Red instruments. Jani Lane in polka dots. Drummer hitting pies with drumsticks. Guitars and clothes flying out of the back of a red convertible. Bobbi Brown, the video skank (who by the way went on to marry Jani and fuck such rock luminaries as Tommy Lee and one of the Nelson twins), hosed down by band members dressed as firemen. "Looks so good makes a grown man cry." Slice of cherry pie dropped directly into Bobbi's crotch. Point hammered home.

"Heartbeat", Don Johnson
Don is a photographer who seems to be stuck in the middle of a war-torn fashion shoot. He hurls a kid over an embankment (I'm not sure the kid survived) and he falls in love with a video skank he captures through his lens. Then suddenly there is a gang beating some guy up, a photo shoot with a model in huge shoulder pads, Dweezil Zappa...my god, it doesn't make any sense! It's all interspersed with Don wailing away on a soundstage and attempting to "get into" the music. Which ends up looking more like someone's drunk boss on karaoke at happy hour. Keep an eye out for Don's stylin' sleeveless jacket with Tony the Tiger on the back...hilarious!

"My Sacrifice", Creed
Make your own Creed video in five easy steps:
(1) Film entire video in slow motion.
(2) Show Scott Stapp looking skyward and clenching his fists about 10 million times.
(3) Show Scott Stapp in some kind of quasi-resurrection scenerio after which he spreads his arms wide in a crucifixion pose.
(4) Show rest of band looking suitably impressed.
(5) Hold Scott Stapp's head underwater until he stops kicking. Sadly, they forgot step five in this one.

"Hello", Lionel Richie
Lionel and his enormous hair and padded-shoulder jackets creepily stalk a blind chick that is supposed to be his student. He keeps showing up in all of her classes and crank-calling her at night. Then in one of the most hilarious moments in video history she reveals that she loves him, too—by making a lumpy clay bust of his disembodied head. "This is how I see you," she says. Also, her hair looks just like his.

"Grim and Frostbitten Kingdom", Immortal
You may have forgetten about my favorite band Immortal, but I challenge you to forget this, because it is quite simply the most asinine—and fucking awesome—thing I've ever seen in my life. First off, I doubt McG was behind this because it appears to have all been done for less than $100 (counting travel expenses). The main bulk of the budget seems to have gone toward ice. They're standing on it...and singing through it. Never has the title of a song been taken so literally in the theme of a music video (with the exception of "Hot For Teacher") and I'm sure it's meant to symbolize their cold, desolate souls. Secondly, spiked shinguards...AGAIN. Thirdly, that is the worst, most ridiculous headbanging I've ever seen. Lastly, do they really expect us to believe that THAT jackhammer-style drumming came from that Fisher Price kit? Sorry...not evil enough.

"Separate Ways", Journey
Try to watch this without completely cracking up. It looks like some 80s high schoolers shot it on Dad's camcorder for extra credit in music class. This gem features all the fist pumping and angonizing facial contortions from Steve Perry you can handle. Who's got him so fired up? A power bitch with winged blush and a Darryl Oates hairdo, that's who! Lots of brisk walking toward the camera, the dumbest solo break you've ever seen and the band pretending to play instruments that aren't there. Also, presents best evidence to date that Journey is quite possibly the ugliest band ever.

"Rock Me Tonite", Billy Squier
I'm holding the people behind the camera personally responsible for not putting a stop to this embarrassing mess. Billy leaps out of bed, throws on a ripped-up tee and drawstring sweats and then proceeds to crawl on the floor, march around, sing into his fist and dance like he's a 10-year-old girl and "Like a Virgin" just came on the radio. Then he RIIIIIIPS his shirt off, puts on a pink tank (!) and starts shredding away on his pink Telecaster! I haven't been this uncomfortable watching someone dance since "Silence of the Lambs."

"Lick It Up", KISS
This is my personal favorite. A band of video skanks are inexplicably living in some kind of Mad Max-ish burned out auto salvage and suddenly all hell breaks loose when the band—sans makeup—shows up wearing the funniest fucking outfits ever. Paul Stanley is wearing some kind of leather cord tied around his nut bulge and a red belt he probably stole from Lark Voorhies' dressing room on the set of "Saved By the Bell". Gene is attempting to look sexy even though he seems to have just stepped out of Chess King. Someone is wearing ladies' leopard print boots; I think it might be Paul, but I'm not sure. Then suddenly they are all partying and spraying food and drink into each others' mouths. There is a slow motion jump, and...jesus, I was laughing so hard I almost peed my pants.


Lola said...

Dude...I cannot believe you found a pic of the head of Lionel from that BIZARRE video. It sucks ass! Hi lower jaw is so jutted, and his overbite so pronounced, he could eat an apple through a chain link fence. Now, where can one watch Immortal's lovely vid? It certainly can't be as bad as half the shit I watch on Metal Mania.

Anonymous said...

I wish I could remember watching a music video station and enjoying it ... But some of these older ones you mention brought me fond memories of totally crappy video.

Lola said...

Um...Immortal calls that singing?
Holy batshit, catwoman...no wonder you love them! They suck!

Anonymous said...

I fucking love the Billy Squier insights you provide, Rockit Queen. It *is* reminiscent of "Like a Virgin".....hmmmm....