5/23/2006

Really shitty music videos, part 2

I recieved so much good/bad feedback from my three readers on my recent "Music videos that make me cry" post that I thought I'd treat you all to a little more torture with four more monstrosities—the misery continues!

"Out of Touch", Hall & Oates
This classic starts off with Hall & Oates trapped inside a giant bass drum acting embarrassingly hammy, while the band around them plays oversized instruments. Oh shit—the kick breaks loose, steamrolls over our heroes and flattens them! But sadly, a coroner doesn't appear and put an end to this madness. Instead, cardboard cutouts of Hall & Oates are nailed to the wall while—in yet another money-saving maneuver—the real-life Hall & Oates jam their faces through them and continue singing. Suddenly, the duo is back in 3-D and Hall's wearing a leopard-print suit with the pants tucked into cowboy boots. Then during the "break it down" portion of the song, the two are rocking out to a ridiculous degree with their gutairs...WHILE THERE ARE NO GUITARS PLAYING. Oates does cartwheels all over the set, including a really bad one with his legs all bent up in slo-mo. The poor drummer is forced to pretend to play the huge drum kit with huge sticks again. You don't think it can get any worse...until they show Oates. Dancing. And wearing Joey Buttafuoco weightlifting pants. Suddenly, POW! Hall & Oates burst through the set and rip apart the giant drum kit that some kids made in art class. Because they're out of their heads when you're not around!

"Making Love Out Of Nothing At All", Air Supply
This is one of those dreaded "concept videos", although the "concept" is nothing new and was probably stolen word-for-word from awful "Silhouette" romance novels. Basically, the doofy blonde guitarist (looking eerily like Jeff Daniels and who wears layered polo shirts, a blazer with the sleeves rolled up and an unzipped track jacket with nothing underneath throughout the course of the video) is going on tour AGAIN and the blonde video skank has had enough of it. That's right: Air Supply's popularity and fan demand for a tour is keeping these two star-crossed lovebirds apart. Every video cliche in history is employed, including the skank smiling as she spins as if she's on a merry-go-round, the framed picture of the skank that comes magically to life, and the little old lady that gives the canoodling couple a flower instead of telling them to get a room. The skank packs her bag and leaves, only to turn on the radio, hear Air Supply and suddenly do a U-turn in the middle of the street to get back to her true love. Again, that's right: the inspirational sound of Air Supply influenced her to change her life course. At the end, the lead singer and his poufy hair caterwaul dramatically while Jeff Daniels and the video skank are reunited on stage and kiss as the smoke machine fires up and lasers shoot around them. Yes, folks, love conquers all. But only when Air Supply is involved.

"Last In Line", Dio
Some zitty teen is riding a gay bike with a basket on it around town and somehow ends up trapped in an elevator that's going straight to hell! The elevator falls so fast, Zitty is rocketed up to the ceiling (even though he is obviously lying on the floor and the camera is filming upside down) then suddenly stops and opens to reveal a sound stage with a smoke machine blasting and a bunch of loser extras in bargain-bin Halloween costumes. And there's Ronnie James Dio, dressed like leather-daddy King Tut, screaming at a line of stupid extras that are being forced to play Dig Dug. Some geek loses and gets shocked—hilarious! Zitty watches as extras get mind-controlled and the guitarist rips out a bitchin' solo. Suddenly, Zitty makes a break for it and is captured by some yuppie in a ridiculous costume. Oh my god, Dio stabs the yuppie in the crotch with a light sabre and Zitty is free! I can't believe this is the guy that supposedly invented the rock n' roll devil horns hand gesture and he just jabbed a light sabre into an extra's genitalia.

"Hooked On A Feeling", David Hasselhoff
There are so, so many unanswered questions:
• What exactly is the theme here? World travel? The Magic of the Blue Screen? How To Look Like The Biggest Douchebag In The History Of Time?
• Why are there dachshunds randomly Photoshopped throughout this video? Is that some kind of thinly-veiled "weiner reference? If so...gross.
• Where did the Hoff get that awesome scoop-neck tux jacket?
• How many bunnies had to die to make that hideous fur jacket-and-pants ensemble that Hoff dons for the "tundra" scenes?
• Why is he promoting unsafe motorcycle operation and what the fuck is that thing in the aviator goggles that floats by him?
• What's with all the frigging jumping? My god, STOP IT already.
• Who is responsible for editing the line "Yeah, you turn me on" against the image of two children dressed as angels?
• What is with Hoff's pretend running? Does he really run like that?
• Were the Germans behind this?

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Additional question about Hasselhoff's vid:

Was that really Hoff snowboarding with a trout in his mouth? What has the world come to?

Who the hell thought of the background chant "ooga chakka, hooga hooga ooga chakka," and why did they feel the need to spell it out on the screen in big letters?

Speaking of big letters, Hall & Oates were dancing in giant letters in their terrifying video too (the incongruous "Big Bam Boom"). I'm sensing a theme here...

Lola said...

Why, why, WHY did you mae me watch that Hasselhoff video?
You're a bad bad person.
Did you see him cry on the finale of "American Idol"? They played it on every news station from here to Columbus.
Toolio.
Air Supply?
Cruel woman!

karen said...

I was at work and was back in my corner dying laughing at that Hasselhoff thing. WHO would ever think that was something to write home to mom about? His mom must be SO proud.