YET ANOTHER WORLD EXCLUSIVE: TomKat fetus on the outside

Hey there, RockitQueen,

Sorry it's been so long since I've been able to get back to you, but Tom just took my Mom out for a walk and a Starbucks so I have a few to jot off a quick note. And I WILL make it quick: L. Ron is watching! Ha ha!

Well, "the outside" has been just as expected, and unforutnately my Mom hasn't been instantly snapped out of her lobomized state at the sight of my adorable little round head, although I've been trying my darndest. Believe me, I've been cooing, gurgling, smiling, and basically trying everything to break that spell, and to be honest with you I'm starting to think that her entire brain has actually been removed from her head. Seriously. All she does is walk around the house repeating "I'm so unbelievably happy; Tom is the most amazing man I've ever met" over and over. Once a week, she hosts a luncheon with Kelly Preston, Kirsty Alley, Jenna Elfman and Pricilla Presley where they trade recipes and discuss such pressing topics as Tide vs. All.

The good thing is that Tom hasn't been around much since he's been out promoting "Mission: Impossible 3", also starring Philip Seymour Hoffmann, Keri Russell and Ving Rhames, in theaters now. For the record, it's waaaaaay better than "The DaVinci Code". Heh—that's a bit of an inside joke that I'll let you in on. My nannies are required to say that to everyone who asks where Tom is "with appropriate enthusiasm" according to the contract. But you didn't hear that from me.

Anyway, he seems to call a lot, as I hear my mom on the phone about 20 times a day saying, "I'm so unbelievably happy; you are the most amazing man I've ever met." And the few times he's been around he's picked me up and exclaimed, "Outstanding! The plan is working perfectly!" with a cackle—you know the one. OK, is it just me, or does Tom have the biggest teeth EVER? Yeah, it's pretty scary, especially close up. But don't worry, every time he's done that, I've succeeded in launching the biggest case of explosive diarrhea on him that I can possibly manage. While I find it perversely satisfying to do, he doesn't seem too bothered by it, and his lackeys usually run in immediately to remove me from the situation and to provide him with a clean black V-neck tee. Mission accomplished, I say!

Oh, shit, I better sign off because I think I hear voices, one of which is saying what sounds like "amazing man"...so I think we all know who that is! Anyway, thanks again for letting me bitch, and I'll try to get back to you sooner than later. In the meantime, keep fighting the good fight and Save Sean Preston! I think that kid has it worse than me!

Sincerely,
Suri Holmes Cruise