Abracadouchebag LIVE!: Blaine's latest fiasco as it happens

David Blaine: magician, stuntman, douche. He brings people together with his douchey stunts, as we learned in my post last week. For the past week, he's been living in a giant snowglobe and tonight he is going to attempt to break the world record for holding breath underwater. And I'm going to attempt to sit through it and blog this event AS IT HAPPENS! That's right: it's Stupid & Contagious LIVE! Well, OK, I'm not actually AT the event, but it's LIVE on TV, so, same difference. Anyway, let's get it on:

8:00 p.m.: David trains and looks edgy. "It all comes down to this final moment."

8:04 p.m.: The Nirvana baby submerged in water. David brags about how he could hold his breath longer than the other kids. Houdini shout-out. I think Blaine is stoned. Either that or he sustained some serious brain damage in that plastic box in England.

8:06 p.m.: Gross! David looks like that fake dead body they found in the Hudson River on "SVU". Chris Rock, the Cox Arquettes and Rev. Run are all forced to say nice things for the camera.

8:11 p.m.: A hunky doctor wearing scrubs (I guess that makes him legit) says Blaine's suffered from liver failure. What?? "He could come out a different David." My god, this might actually be good.

8:13 p.m.: A retrospective of Blaine's douchey stunts. There's the buried alive event that brought Arabs and Jews together. There he is in ice—the stunt that made blacks and Klan members hold hands. Now he's up on the pole. That's the one that made Paris and Nicole be friends again. There's the plastic box and the Brits are harrassing him. "That one almost did me in." But it brought people together.

8:23 p.m.: Some guy is trying to get Blaine to do lamaze exercises. Oh, he's a diving coach. Some diver says Blaine doesn't have the ideal body type for this stunt. Suspense is building.

8:25 p.m.: Blaine is working out and looking edgy. Breathing exercises. Magic helps him focus. OK, I'll admit the tricks look kind of cool.

8:30 p.m.: Blaine's personal trainer. He looks a little out of it, too. I think weed was a huge part of this training regimen.

8:34 p.m.: Someone has created a Blaine snowglobe to honor the event. I think it's the same chick that released the doves at the reading of the Michael Jackson verdict.

8:35 p.m.: Something about Angola prison. It's filled with violent inmates. Blaine entertains them with magic. Jesus christ, he's bending the bars! Now the prisoners accept him. He better run because he might get shanked.

8:39 p.m.: He's in Vegas at the Palms (of course). He's banned from gambling all over town. He helps some skanks win $3200.

8:46 p.m.: "Carmina Burana". Blaine bursts out of the water looking edgy—relax, it's just a promo. Another doctor who is "concerned." More tension and suspense. The divers say they are going to blow on Blaine's face and then make him breathe.

8:48 p.m.: Blaine meets the hiker that cut his own arm off to escape after a boulder fell on him—remember that story? Blaine is wearing a short-sleeved shirt in the snow. Hiker Guy says it "recalibrated what pain means" but it was also "beautiful." I don't know who's crazier. Blaine calls him a "magic man" (another pot allusion?).

8:51 p.m.: Evel Knievel gives advice. Man, that guy's been knocked around. Evel says, "We are what we are. We can't help it." Blaine holds his breath for Evel. Oh my god, Evel's on oxygen! Who said irony was dead?

8:59 p.m.: This thing is only halfway over? Cripes. David talks about sharks. "I wanted to put myself in the most extreme situation—alone with 27 sharks." I thought it would be in a room with Scott Stapp and a video camera, but whatever. Back in Vegas: fake bystanders demand David hypnotize someone. He starts eating a martini glass—damn, his teeth are white. He pulls a random girl's tooth out then spits on her or something. Her teeth are back! I don't get it.

9:06 p.m.: LIVE! The crowd goes ape shit for some reason. The "applause" sign must have flashed on. Blaine's been underwater continuously longer than anyone ever. A cop gets in the snowglobe to chain him up. I guess the cop is supposed to make it authentic, like he'd have real cuffs or something.

9:14 p.m.: The doctor is back to discuss David's "vitals" and create more suspense. He pretends to talk to the diving coach about the skin situation. Apparantly, Blaine's skin is peeling off. Grody!

9:16 p.m.: Blaine runs through the surf and looks edgy. He's training with Navy SEALS. Wasn't Van Damme in that movie? "Pain is nothing but a cancer. There is no pain." What? The SEAL guy calls him "magic man"—there's that reference again. I think Blaine might seriously have some brain damage. He seems kind of slow. Now they are making him lay in the water and sing. I think these guys are better than the Brits.

9:18 p.m.: LIVE! The chains are heavy and the doctor is again concerned. He mentions nerve damage. Blaine may never be able to do magic again! Now they are showing his "diet"—it's basically just Gatoraide mixed with water. Electrolytes are brought up. Wait, was that product placement?

9:24 p.m.: Breaking: the weight of the chains is creating "havoc." Don't try this at home. "This is as dangerous as it gets." Eat your heart out Hitchcock.

9:26 p.m.: Some story about a "beautiful marine biologist" who does free diving, which is when you dive deeply into the sea and then shoot up on one breath. Who would want to do that?? I mean is that seriously fun? This chick tries to break the record, but there is a malfunction and she is underwater for eight minutes. She died! Now that's some serious suspense.

9:29 p.m.: Blaine's diary. He has to put his whole body to sleep to achieve this stunt. He occupies his mind by running through the alphabet naming friends and family for each letter. There is some weird shot of him standing on the bottom of the sea. He's got Jesus crucified tattooed on his back. "In my dreams, I can live underwater forever."

9:36 p.m.: LIVE! David is "stabilized" but the chains are heavier than everyone thought. The doc is back with a table full of emergency supplies. Two free divers wearing silver unitards are going in to help David. Air bubbles mean unconsciousness.
More commercials. I'm craving pizza, but I'm afraid to eat it because I might have nightmares about this.

9:42 p.m.: It's go time! The diving coach starts babbling and doing lamaze breathing again. He says "focus" about 852 times.

9:45 p.m.: OK, here he goes. David's saying his ABCs. The diving coach needs to shut the fuck up. Some weird "under the sea" new age music starts up for some reason.

9:46 p.m.: "Focus", "relax", "nice n' easy"...wait, was that another product placement?

9:49 p.m.: I hate the diving coach.

9:50 p.m.: "There is a delicate balance between saving energy and using energy." Blaine starts working on the handcuffs. Apparantly, he can't see anything. He breaks one restraint.

9:51 p.m.: The crowd starts chanting "David! David!" I think the crowd has less of a life than I do. Another set of cuffs comes off. He starts struggling. The divers jump in to help him.

9:52 p.m.: He doesn't do it...his face is blue. The doc runs up with oxygen. The diving coach says, "We're flowin'." Blaine waves. The new age music swells. The camera pans onto some skanks in the crowd.

9:55 p.m.: The Unitard Twins pick Blaine up. Someone yells, "We love you, David." They show his brother, who looks nothing like him.

9:56 p.m.: David speaks: "I am humbled so much by the support of everybody. This was a difficult week, but you all made it fly by." He's crying...great. Now I feel bad for making fun of him.

9:58 p.m.: "An emotional night, an emotional week." Blaine is leaving the snowglobe with help from the Ambigiously Gay Duo. The announcer compares this to an astronaut returning from space. I hate the announcer, too.

10:00 p.m.: Looks like he made it for 7:50. His hands look awful. "No one thinks David Blaine failed." Over and out. Thank god. I'm never blogging an event again.