5/18/2006

Apparently, nobody "gets" the Count

Because I was walking around in a perpetual state of annoyance today, I decided to spread the rash, so to speak, with more black metal nonsense. Besides, there is a lot of breaking news to report.

So the biggest thing is that I just realized that Count Grishnackh was due to be released from prison last month. I can't seem to find any news on the 'net about it, although I'm guessing that the April '06 date doesn't include the two years he got from his dramatic little run from the law in '02. Anyway, as I was trying to find confirmation that he has indeed been foisted on the general population again, I found something only slightly more alarming: an account of what happened on the night of the Euronymous murder in the Count's own words!

If you want to read the whole long-ass thing, you'll have to find it yourself because I refuse to link to his stupid website, but I'll spare you the visit to Fascistland and summarize:
• Naturally, the Count is completely innocent and stabbed Euronymous (21 times in the back and head while he fled screaming in nothing but his underpants) in self-defense.
• Everyone talks about how awful it was of the Count to slaughter a fellow Norwegian, when it's simply not true. Duh, Euronymous was actually Lappish—just look at his facial structure and thin hair. It's so OBVIOUS.
• The judge, jury, lawyers (including the defense lawyer), police, recorder, bailiff, everyone in the courtroom, and pretty much everyone in the entire country of Norway, perhaps even all of Scandinavia, are all in on a large-scale conspiracy against the Count. But it's cool because he has the final word: "It's like the fat versus the ugly: the fat can always lose weight, but the ugly will always be ugly." Take THAT, world.

Honestly, I never cease to be amazed by this guy. He just believes so much in all of his stupid nazi ideas. He continually pounds out screamy incoherant "songs" for his one-man band that no one has ever heard of. And he certainly is wordy! His "statements" on his website blather on for paragraphs and paragraphs about how no one cares about the Vikings anymore and how everyone judges him without knowing all the "facts," blah, blah, blah. "They think I'm a big nazi, but I really just care about culture! Never mind my SS haircut and swastika armband! Nobody understaaaaaands me!"

Still, I'm not looking forward to having him roaming about of his own free will among the rest of us. Oh my god, something terrifying just crossed my mind: what if Count has been reading Stupid & Contagious and plans to exact revenge on me for making fun of him?? I mean, not that I think so highly of myself that I believe a hardened criminal such as Varg "Count Grishnackh" Vikernes would even care about, let alone take the time to read, my crappy little blog, especially if he is devoting the majority of his time talking and writing, writing and talking about Norse mythology and propaganda and how the whole world is against him and all of his other pet causes. But just to be on the safe side, you don't know me. Right? Hey, just because you're paranoid don't mean they're not after you...

In a related story, word on the north side is that "Lords of Chaos" is going to be made into a movie! Holy shit, this is the best news I've heard today—now I won't have to finish reading the book! I don't know how many times I've had to start over; my few functioning brain cells just can't process all the information that is thrown at me from each and every debaucherous page. But now, the whole dirty tale will be brought to us on the big screen—no need to read here! So now the big question arises: Who should star as the main characters? I nominate hunky "One Tree Hill" star Chad Michael Murray as Euronymous and teen heartthrob Benjamin Mackenzie from "The OC" in the coveted role of Count. Hey, he was pretty good in "Junebug." And maybe Stacey Keach can cameo as a father figure to the black metallers, who teaches them all about hate and mythology and the history of Norway. Or something. Anyway, make it happen, Hollywood. Careful consideration needs to be taken here. Lives are probably at stake.

I know what you're thinking: what do the members of Immortal think of all this? Well, I don't have any fucking idea. I honestly don't think they think about much at all—except what they are going to wear for their next scary photo shoot. Like these ensembles, for example. Hours and hours of calculated thought and planning when into creating these evil looks, which by the way were cultivated specifically for the "At The Heart of Winter" photosessions. To be honest with you, we may have seen these outfits before: they are black, studded, spiked and fucking absurd—it's really all just running together at this point. So naturally, the same questions keep arising with these guys:
• Where in the hell do they get these outfits? Are they already like this? Are they custom-made to the bandmembers' specifications? Is a seamstress/professional studder employed?
• When they are onstage, do they ever poke/cut each other or themselves with the spiky wristbands and shinguards? And how do they play without tearing up the instruments?
• Why is the fat one always shirtless?
• What the fuck is up with that ridiculous makeup? My guess is that they are less scary with the makeup on, so it's probably a blessing in disguise.

Still, all these questions and more remain unanswered.

3 comments:

Lord Grimsmear said...

You didn’t mention two of my favorite things about Count Chocula’s account of the murder (I know, I know): the fact that he’s always calling the prosecuting attorneys Freemasons, and the utterly astounding fact that he routinely uses smiley-face emoticons :) in his account of a fucking murder!

Then again, I’m sitting here making fun of an account of a murder, which I suppose is just trivializing said murder in a different way. Then yet again, the murdered guy was a dipshit Norwegian black metaller, so whatever.

RockitQueen said...

Excellent points, Grimsmear, thank you. I was so thrown by the emoticons that I somehow must have blocked it out. Who knew the Count was so tech-savvy?

Just look at that ridiculous "scary" pic of him and imagine that guy typing :-)

Lola said...

I was TOTALLY thinking, "What do the memebers of Immortal think of this?" You read my mind! BTW...was I married to him?