Stupid & Contagious 13 Most Hottest '06

Better hightail it to the market, kiddies—People Mag's highly-anticipated "Most Beautiful People" issue hit newsstands this week! And this year's list is full of surprises! Angelina Jolie is on the cover! And she and Brad, Maddox and Zahara were named "Most Beautiful Family"! Also on the list are Scarlett Johannsen, George Clooney, Halle Berry, Eva Longoria, and...oh, fuck it. Is anything on this stupid list ever a surprise to anyone? The same assholes are on it every year! How many times to we have to be reminded that Scarecrow Paltrow is beautiful? Hey, ugly, don't you think for one minute you can compare to CHARLIZE THERON! Or JUDE LAW! Because they are BEAUTIFUL. You are not! And don't you forget it! And there is a lot of yelling in this post!

Then there are the people that make it year after year that I just don't get. Like I think someone is playing a joke on the public by saying, "Let's beat it into the media how hot these people that so not are and see if the peons buy it." Like Aniston. Or Affleck. Or Julia Horseface Roberts. Or Seal. SEAL???? You've got to be kidding me.

And another thing: supermodels shouldn't count. They're beautiful. We get it already.

Goddammit, I'm doing my own fucking list. So here it is. Sorry there aren't any chicks on it. OK, I'll admit I have a few girl crushes, but one of them went to jail this week, one of them is going to drop Gavin Rossdale's spawn any day now, and the other, well, it's Angelina Jolie and every straight girl in the world would go the other way for her. Anyway, number one is number one and the others are in no particular order; take them any way you want. I would.

Bam Margera
OK, I'm saying it out loud: I'm hot for Bam. He's such a little bratty shit, and I want to punch him in the face...and then do him. He's so awful to his poor parents. He starred in what is probably the dumbest sex tape ever (don't bother watching it—it's so dull that even he and the chick look bored out of their skulls). But never underestimate the power of a mischevious nature, nor the deadly combo of scruffy black hair, fair skin and a nice smile. And he's really good friends with Ville Valo, so, you know. Well, I can just imagine.

Benicio del Toro
I find him disgusting and attractive—the same way I feel about Vin Diesel and Michael Pitt. So gross, yet so sexy...Remember in "Traffic" when he went into the Mexican gay bar and pretended to pick up the guy he wanted to arrest? On the DVD, there's a scene selection option that goes right to it. Not that I've watched it over and over or anything...it's just so you know. In case you want to watch that scene. Or something. And you should, because he looks really hot in that scene.

Chris Meloni
On "SVU" he's caring, dedicated detective Elliott Stabler. On "Oz" he's sociopathic nutball Chris Keller. In "Wet Hot American Summer" he's camp chef/shellshocked Vietnam vet Gene. And you can totally believe him as all these men. He's an awesome actor, who is unafraid to take risks in front of the camera (i.e. full-frontal and make-outs with boys, which more hot actor boys need to do by the way), and he's wayyyyy sexy to boot. Even when he's humping a refrigerator.

Dean & Scott Winters
I'm echoing Lola on this one—either, both, rightside up or upside down. Preferably in their "Oz" prison garb. And you should know that there is ANOTHER Winters brother! My god, I think my head is going to explode. I need more info immediately.

Gary Dourdan
Note to the writers of "CSI": we need more shirtless Warwick! Make it happen. We get to see Nick shirtless all the time, but Warwick always seems to be wearing a tank or tee underneath his button-down shirts. This is not fair and also not convienient. I speak not only for myself, but for the throngs of other female viewers of CSI. I'm guessing you didn't hire the guy because his pronunciation of scientific terms was better than anyone else's.

Ice Cube
He was in NWA...and "Are We There Yet." He did "AmeriKKKa's Most Wanted"...and "Anaconda", one of the best bad movies ever. He proclaimed himself a "crazy motherfucker" straight outta Compton...and he was in "Barbershop," which was such a cute little movie. I fear him...and I heart him.

Joaquin Phoenix
In "Quills," Joaquin plays a kind priest who is tortured by his love for a servant girl, played by Kate Winslet. When she is discovered sneaking de Sade's manuscripts out of his prison cell to be published, she is ordered to be whipped in front of all at the asylum. Joaquin, unable to bear seeing the girl he loves in such pain, leaps up on the gallows, rips off his shirt and robes and demands to be whipped in her place. Um, yeah.

Leland from "Dog the Bounty Hunter"
Not many will agree with me on this one. He's totally white trash and I love it. And check out that bod...holy shit. On one episode he gave the shirt off his back to a crackhead. I could take him home to meet my daddy, go shoot some pool at Beers n' Steers and then throw him down in the back of a pickup. As you can see, I'm kinda white trash, too, so it all works out.

Nacho Figueras
I usually don't go for the model-type pretty boy, but I actually saw Nacho at a polo game and was transfixed by his perfectly groomed stubble and white, white teeth. He must use Crest WhiteStrips. If so, he could totally be their spokesperson. He's so hunky! I bet you're jealous that I got this close to Nacho. That's right, I took this picture! OK, I didn't take THIS one...but I did get a pretty good picture of him at the polo game. And I knocked out a couple of autograph-seeking kids to get it, too.

Nick Stahl
On "Carnivale" Nick plays an angry, dirty roustabout for a traveling circus. In "Bully" he plays a...well, bully. Who is dirty. I have yet to see the movie where he plays a hustling rentboy, which I'm sure is gritty as well as dirty, but come hell or high water you better Hong Kong believe I'm going to see that one. Any combination of Nick and dirt is acceptable—ooh, how about a movie with Nick doing dirty construction work and then it STARTS RAINING? Brilliant. Maybe Ratner can direct.

young Robert Plant
Old Plant rocks and I love him to pieces, but young Plant...holy god, was that man hot! He has the best hair, the sexiest moves, the best voice. And he wears the tightest pants ever, for easy go-go groupie action. When that levee breaks, no one's gonna have a place to stay.

And now for the STUPID & CONTAGIOUS MOST HOTTEST '06 (sound trumpet):
Ville Valo
Hey, this is just like the real "Most Beautiful People" list...absolutely no suprise at all.