The Save Sean Preston Foundation Newsletter, Vol. 1 Issue 1

Official announcement: the Save Sean Preston Foundation is now the Save Sean Preston & Unborn Federfetus Foundation (S-SPUFF). I'll just call it SPUFF for short. Hopefully, K-Fed won't get confused and think it says SPLIFF.

Anyway, in our first official newsletter (yay!) we've got a lot of ground to cover, most notably the announcement that Britney is acutally preggers again and not just really fat. Britty looks forward to having another doll to dress up and plans to install another Transcamero on blocks in the front yard just for the new baby to play on.

Sadly, since Sean Preston's suspicious tumble from his high-chair last month, Britney has been “hiding out and depressed”—which apparantly translates to "leaving SP with a nanny so she and Kevvie can get high and fuck each other silly until she accidentally gets pregnant again with another baby that she can't take care of." According to US Magazine: “'She wanted to be a mother and thought she could snap her fingers and be the perfect mom,' a pal told the mag. 'But Britney is learning the hard way that being a good mother is something you always have to work at.'” Imagine that conversation. "Dayum, momma, I thunk I would jus' known how, but it's sooooo harrrdddd and I hafta thunk all the time and it makes mah brain hurt!"

Brit also reportedly hired a doctor to advise her on parenting. Again from US: “'The doctor advised her not to leave Sean Preston on any high surfaces where he could roll off,' an insider told the ITW, which also reports that Spears was so impressed with the doc's advice that she asked him to be an on-staff consultant." There's another convo I'd love to have been a fly on the wall for. "So ya mean leaving Seannie on the kitchen counter isn't a good idear? Woooooow, yer the smartest!"

More evidence that a SPUFF intervention is needed immediately:
• Allegedly, Brit has had to assign K-Fed a "babysitter" bodyguard to curb his partying. In the meantime, Sean Preston lives at the mercy of a pair who don't understand that it's probably not a good idea to lay him on the fireplace mantle so you can get both hands on the bong.
• Britty has released her new "perfume" called In Control, saying "This perfume is for empowered girls who want to take over the world—forget about the men! It's more demanding, it's more sensual, it's black, it's about being in control. That's cool and inspirational...girls need that." Great, more noxious fumes to poison the baby! Oh, and thanks, Brit, for telling us that In Control perfume represents "being in control." No, YER the smartest!

Granted, all this info is from tabloids, gossip sites and general speculation, but if truth is stranger than fiction, then I weep for what the reality might be.

This week, I am asking all of you to don a hot pink ribbon to raise awareness of Sean Preston Spears Federline and Unborn Fetus Spears Federline. Awareness of what, you ask? I don't really know. I guess just be aware that these kids can pick their noses, but they can't pick their parents. And if you happen to see SP accidentally left on a shelf at Kitson, you know, you can pick him up and stuff.