Mayhem isn't the only band of Scando crazies

I always envisioned Norway as being this happy little fjord-filled land full of pretty people listening to A-Ha and where winter lasts for 11.75 months. Reading the book "Lords of Chaos:The Bloody Rise of the Satanic Metal Underground" has officially killed that view. Now I imagine Norway as being a cold, bleak land filled with pale, pale people wearing black cloaks sitting around in vandalized cemeteries, surrounded by animal entrails, and eating popsicles made of their own blood.

In my ongoing morbid obsession with Mayhem, I've uncovered yet another band that might give them a run for their money in the batshit crazy department: Emperor. All but one member of the band is in prison, the most infamous being drummer Bard "Faust" Eithun, who stabbed and killed a random gay guy who picked him up in Lillehammer the year the Olympics were held there. Immediately after the murder, Faust joined his partner-in-crime—guess who: Count Grishnackh!— for a little bible-burning and church descecration male bonding session. He wasn't charged with murder until a year later, while the Euronymous killing was being investigated. Surprise! Faust, who worked at Euronymous's record store Helvete, was also discovered as a cold-blooded killer and eventually earned a 14-year-sentence for the crime. He seems to be out and wondering among the masses as we speak.

But even Mayhem and Emperor don't hold a candle to these freaks: Immortal. The crimes these two have waged against fashion, music and any kind of pleasing aesthetic are worse than anything the Count and Faust could even dream of committing. Just look at them; they are wearing spiked shin guards! And are those "creatures of the night" poses supposed to be intimidating? They look like gothic frogs. The music is just as flummoxing. I listened to one of their songs and they even SOUND like gothic frogs. I couldn't make out the words that were being croaked out amid the ripping guitar riffs, but I think the name of the song pretty much says it all: "Grim and Frostbitten Kingdom." Come to think of it, maybe that is a more appropriate name for that gothic land we know as Norway.

Here's a little added bonus fun: wanna find out which black metaller you are? Take this super-fun quiz! I am Vidar Vaaer of Ildjarn. I have no idea what that entails, but the explaination said: "There is no one in the world as desolate as you. You are one with nature, you love animals and you hope for the rest of humanity to die. And you have good reasons to." Again, that pretty much says it all.