Overworked: A Bad Plastic Surgery Retrospective

There's something about being a celebrity that makes one think they can pull the wool over the eyes of the public. How many times have we heard someone famous squall about how awful it is to be famous because you are expected to look young and fit, with big boobs, pouty lips and hair extensions down to your ass? Let's pretend for a minute that some of today's most successful and celebrated actors are not necessarily large-chested (Julianne Moore, Naomi Watts), large-lipped (Jennifer Aniston, Nicole Kidman) or large-haired (Halle Berry, Natalie Portman), and that most of the untouchably good are none of the above (Kathy Bates, Jodie Foster, Judi Dench). We know all too well what can happen when celebs think they can fool us into thinking they simply look good for their age when they have actually stuffed, depuffed, shellacked and stretched themselves to create a new shell—less Hollywood starlet, more like those Kooky Spook Halloween headdresses (remember those?).

I don't have to tell you that those that are obsessed are the most fascinating. It's sort of like the circus sideshows of old, except they are bringing the freak on themselves and think they look stunning. Want some examples? Here's a little circus sideshow of our very own, starring some of the worst offenders. You can point and laugh if you want, but a lot of this borders on the very sad. Some people just don't know when to say, "Yep, that's good—one more and I'll look like the Senor Wences hand puppet." Big ups to Awful Plastic Surgery, where I found many of these horrifying pics. It's a great surfing site with tons more scary-looking celebs. Perhaps if more celebs paid a visit to it, we would be seeing a lot less of this:

Pete Burns
This would be the lead singer of Dead or Alive, best known for the '80s classic "You Spin Me." He's had several surgeries, including cheek implants, nose jobs, and, oh yeah, more than a few collagen injections. Obviously, the lip surgery went horribly wrong and Petey endured several reconstructive procedures over a span of 18 months. Fun fact: Pete was married to a chick for 20 years; they divorced in '04.

Steve Erhardt
You may not have heard of this guy unless you watch those delightfully trashy pre-primetime "entertainment magazines." Steve is attempting to transform himself into a living Ken doll, and has had a nose job, chin job (to add a cleft), eye job, pec implants, butt implants and even bicep implants (he was the first person ever to sport gel bags in the upper arms). Too bad he didn't do anything about that hair.

Marilyn (born Peter Robinson) is a good friend of Boy George and was a fixture at Studio 35 during the club's heyday. He's had some kind of fucked-up nose job and appears to have added an odd implant into the tip. He was a good-looking trannie before, with a very nicely shaped nose. A little too much snorting of cocaine off of Andy Warhol's ass, perhaps?

Michaela Romanini
I've never heard of her, either—she's some kind of Italian socialite—but, gads, what is the matter with this woman? Her lips look like they are ready to explode, her forehead is pulled so tight it looks like it might tear open like a Glad Bag, and she appears as if she's gone skinny-dipping in the deep frier at KFC. Lots and lots of work done here. And yet, she can't find the time to pluck her frigging eyebrows.

Mickey Rourke
I vote this the most tragic of the lot. Have you seen "Diner"? Mickey was hellishly hot. Now I don't even know who this lumpy creature is. He looks like David Gest! What a waste.

Loretta Swit
Wow, the mannequin heads in the Montgomery Ward wig department sure look realistic, don't they? Oh, wait, it's just Hotlips Houlihan, looking...well, not so hot. Forget aging gracefully—Loretta has decided that stapling her cheeks behind her head, wearing a really bad hairpiece and getting what looks like a fake chin cleft carved in is the way to go.

Hunter Tylo
You may remember Hunter as the soap chick that sued Aaron Spelling when she got kicked off of "Melrose Place." Besides having one of the fakest stage names in all of Hollywood (iMDb says her real name is Deborah Jo Hunter), she also has one of the fakest faces. As one wordsmith noted on Awful Plastic Surgery, "The guards at Buckingham Palace move more than her face does." You can't see from this picture, but she's also got one of the worst boob jobs in the history of the world. Very sad what this natural beauty has done to herself.

Bree Walker Lampley
I feel a little bad including her here because she has a bona fide disability (ectrodactyly—or fused fingers and toes) that she has used to her advantage in her featured role as Sabina the Scorpion Woman on HBO's "Carnivale", and is really involved in encouraging change in public attitude toward people with disabilities. But what she has done to her face is simply horrifying.

Jocelyn Wildenstein
Bow down, people: it's the Patron Saint of Bad Plastic Surgery herself! She's been called Wildebeast, Bride of Wildenstein, Cat Lady, all of which are appropriate—this is just fucking appalling. She was once very lovely, with a fresh, naturally pretty face. But upon finding her billionaire hubby in bed with a much younger woman, she allegedly spent nearly $2 million on procedures to make herself look like a cat, which she thought would be more appealing. To achieve this, she's gotten several facial implants and lifts to the point where her eyes are almost horizontal, and her head now looks like a lump of modeling clay molded by a first-grader. Here, I think she looks more like one of the Easter Island heads than a cat, but with a rat's nest perched on top of it. You'd think with all that money she'd stop giving herself Toni Home Perms and pay a visit to Oribe every now and again. It seriously doesn't get worse than this. I hope.


Lola said...

It's not nice scaring old people like me with those mugs of horror. I can't even decide which is the worst. Killer rant, but now I need a tranquilizer. You best be writing your book, woman, because you are talented.

Anonymous said...

Where's Liza Manelli's ex-husband...the one who looks like a bad wax redition of himself?!

Anonymous said...

i'm sorry but you're wrong with marilyn. he never had any plastic operations.

Anonymous said...

Rockitqueen.....you are freaking hilarious! This shit is funny!