Breaking news: Corey Haim ate Corey Feldman!

Recognize this guy? Sure, he looks vaguely familiar. Sort of like how Tom Hanks' brother looks like a distorted Tom Hanks or Patrick Swayze's brother looks like a retarded version of Patrick Swayze. He kind of looks like a really fat, bloated version of Corey Haim.

Surprise—it IS Corey Haim! I bet you can't believe it. Because, really, it looks like someone transplanted Corey Haim's head onto a manatee. Or maybe Hurley on "Lost" is wearing a Corey Haim mask. Or maybe someone painted Corey Haim on the Goodyear Blimp. The point is: Corey Haim is all kinds of huge. Come to think of it, I haven't seen Feldman around much lately...seriously, I'm a little concerned by the severe bloat level Corey seems to be reaching—like it might be getting dangerous.

I feel a little bad making fun of him because he just seems so pitiful and before I decided I was going to marry Duff McKagan, I would have given my hand to Corey. That was back before anyone realized the true scale of his rampant drug usage. It turns out that when he started going downhill (my guess would be around the post-"Dream A Little Dream" era) Corey was finding it harder and harder to get jobs and he started doing all these crappy straight-to-video films, all the while injesting the equivalent of a Drug Mart stockroom in painkillers a day. Soon enough, he had to file bankruptcy and listed among his few assets a 10-year-old BMW, $750 worth of clothes, $7k in residuals and $100 in cash. Ouch.

It gets worse: he got so desperate for money, he famously tried to auction off locks of his hair and a rotten molar that he'd had pulled on the internet. He appeared to be skulking around Santa Monica in a drug-addled haze, stealing slices of pizza and waving a fake gun at people. When his E! True Hollywood Story first aired a couple years ago, Corey was living with his mom in a one-bedroom apartment and spending his time plinking on a little Casio keyboard. He revealed that he was taking 85 Valiums a day plus other assorted pill cocktails. So it's not entirely shocking to find out that he had a drug-induced stroke recently. Apparantly, he is clean and is back in front of the camera for another go in the biz.

Wow, I mean....just...wow. That's one of the child star downfalls to end all child star downfalls, like up there with Mackenzie Phillips, Dana Plato and Scott Schwartz. When your lifestyle is getting to the point where Corey Feldman has to intervene, well, that pretty much says it all. There is nothing the world loves more than a washed-up child star, so let's see if Corey can pull a Drew Barrymore and turn that frown upside down.

In the meantime: good god, man, get ahold of yourself! Lay off the burritos and pull it together. Feldman might not have time for another intervention.


Lola said...

Such a waste. I can't figure out who's more pathetic-Corey or Leif Garrett(who is from MY era, and whom I once loved and wanted to work like a rack of ribs). Wanna take bets on who'll OD first? Sweet diatribe...girl you is talented.

Spinstergrrl said...

AHHHHHH! OMG, he was always my favorite Corey too. And he used to be somewhat scrawny. Think he'll appear on "Celebrity Fit Club" now? He's so much better than a Baldwin. -Jodi

ox_erin_xo said...

Well I think you should leave him alone. No-one looks the same after 10 years. He was absolutely lush in his teenage days and he's not that bad now. Lay off him. He's off the drugs and who knows..he may go back to being the cute-but-older Corey he was before.