The Official Stupid & Contagious V-day Planning Guide

Ah, Valentine's Day. Can you believe it's only one week away? It sure has a way of sneaking up on you, doesn't it? Sort of like genital warts.

It can be a real pain in the ass to plan a successful romantic evening for the big day. You have to make reservations days in advance, traffic is a bitch, candy is fattening, flowers die, diamonds finance terrorists. Honestly, you just don't want to be any part of that. The good news is that you only need to follow five simple steps to have yourself an Official Stupid & Contagious Valentine's Day. Read below, enjoy yourself and remember: cupid rhymes with stupid!

Step 1: Send a card with a lovely sentiment. Like these, for example:
• "Destined to die alone in a room heavy with the tang of cat whee"
• "Uprooted, overpriced plantlife and fat-saturated, caffeine and sugar blocks? You shouldn't have!"
• "Happy unimaginative, consumerist-oriented and entirely arbitrary, manipulative and shallow interpretation of romance day!"

Step 2: Rent a movie. Try one of the following touching love stories:
• Breaking the Waves
• In the Company of Men
• Sid & Nancy
• Heavenly Creatures
• Dogville
• Spanking the Monkey

Step 3: Go for a jog. See how many times you can run between hand-holding couples and break them apart, red rover-style. It's fun!

Step 4: Make a Valentine's Day soundtrack. Here's your playlist:
• "Used To Love Her (But I Had To Kill Her)", Guns N' Roses
• "My Gift to You", Korn
• "Angel of Death", Slayer
• "Love Will Tear Us Apart", Joy Division
• "Violent Mood Swings", Stabbing Westward
• "Ever Fallen In Love (With Someone You Shouldn't Have Fallen In Love With)", The Buzzcocks
• "Milk It", Nirvana
• "Wicked World", Black Sabbath
• "Piggy", Nine Inch Nails
• "Rock Star", Hole
• "Wake Up Dead", Megadeth
• And a song of your choice by Mayhem (may I recommend "Chainsaw Gutsfuck", "Necrolust" or "Slaughter of Dreams" based on title alone)

Step 5: Spread some holiday cheer by reminding everyone in your path that St. Valentine was killed for allowing people to get married. The over-50-percent divorce rate and the billion-dollar racket that we vomit our hard-earned money into every year must have that poor old priest spinning in his grave. You don't want to contribute to the desecration of a saint now, do you? I didn't think so!