In the U.S., the Fourth of July means many things. It means history. It means patriotism. It means getting drunk and catching the grill on fire.
But most of all it means independence. Sovereignity. FREEDOM.
So on this day, let's celebrate by reflecting on the man who is the personification of these words: Count Grishnackh.
Oh wait, I'm sorry...I got it backwards. Count Grishnackh is actually the personification of the opposite of those words. Why, you ask? Because his fucking parole was revoked again! Hahahahahaha!!!
According to Norway's Aftenposten news the Count's harrowing escape attempt in '03 and his commisseration with neo-nazis didn't work too well in his favor. Of course, poor Count just doesn't understand it. He insists he hasn't talked to his SS pals in a long time and is upset that the cops are trying to make him apply for welfare. "They want me to make arrangements with social services, even though this is unnecessary," he bitched. "Must I be on welfare in order to be released? I have a house, a job and a family waiting for me."
A house? A job? A family? Ah, yes. I may have mentioned it in passing once, but the Count's got a kid. According to him he's only seen the little lassie twice since she was born in 1993. And, oh my god, if his Wikipedia page is to be believed, some lucky gal had his son in 2007 AND he's married! Excuse me for a moment while I clean the puke off my keyboard. What the living motherfucking fuck?? That prison is like the Eliot Spitzer high-class ho hotel! Conjugals, meds, carpeted rooms...it's better than my house! I think we should all move to Norway, commit crimes and then whoop it up in the party pokey for 21 years.
Now I'm all pissed off. I need something to make me feel better...oh, here we go: a documentary about the Count! Finally! And it's a pretty good one. In Satan Rides the Media, we're treated to the usual story about Count's crimes, plus some new details from the case (at least ones I, the president of the Norwegian Black Metal Research Commission, haven't heard before). Most notable is a media frenzy over a cave that was dubbed the Count's "catacomb." Local newspapers speculated that this cave was filled with gnawed-on human bones, weapons and other Satanic goodies, but it ended up being just full of swamp sludge, which is kind of funny.
Also worth noting is the really awesome Burzum video we get to see. Basically, it's just camera-phone footage of clouds, forests and forests with clouds over them. I expect this is meant to depict Norwegian pride because I think they have a lot of forests and clouds or something over there, but it could have just as easily been filmed at Keemosahbee Boy Scout Camp in Eastford, Connecticut.
Also watch closely during the coverage of the Count's trial, particularly around the 39:20 mark. You'll see some sad little groupies in the courtroom who all gasp when the Count waltzes in and...tosses his hair like he's filming a Pantene commercial. It's fucking hilarious. What a media whore.
It's all pretty entertaining, but my favorite part is when they mention Kiss as a black metal influence and show Gene rocking out to "I Was Made for Lovin' You." From the fucking Dynasty disco album. Brilliant. Also, check out Anton LaVey's cute little devil outfit, complete with plushy little horns. It's adorable and I want one. I think I'll have my Grandma make me one for Halloween.
Happy 4th, wackadoos!