Had I gotten my act together and posted the 2008 Stupies by now, Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag would be this year's recipients of the Why Is This Person Famous? Award. Not only are they talentless douchebags that may actually do less than Paris Hilton, I somehow know all about them even though I'm still not exactly quite sure who they are and have never watched an episode of The Hills before. These two love a photo op like Buffalo Bill loves lotion.
Besides the fact that they're fucking everywhere and really annoying assholes, I've also found these two kind of creepy. I couldn't put my finger on it until now: Spencer and Heidi remind me of the Ken and Barbie Killers.
For those of you who aren't disturbingly well-versed on fucked-up serial murderers, Paul Bernardo and Karla Homolka were a Canadian couple who kidnapped, raped and killed three teenage girls, including Karla's own sister, in the early 90s. Because of their shiny, happy, bleached appearances, they were nicknamed the Ken and Barbie Killers by the media.
I think you'll find the similarities are staggering.
1. Stand by your man.
Here we have two girls with crippling insecurity and the guys that hate them. Karla stole tranqs from the vet's office she worked at and used it to knock out girls for Paul. Spencer hit on other chicks in front of Heidi and encouraged her to get huge fake boobs and a nose job; he's now her svengali-like "manager."
2. Dubious employment
All of Paul's friends and family knew him as a successful accountant. In reality, he was making a living hustling ciggies over the Canadian border. Spencer's MySpace lists his occupation as "Executive Producer, Writer, Manager." Which translates to: Unemployed/Living Off Anyone Who Is Stupid Enough To Pay Him For Club Appearances."
3. Frightening videos
During their trial, the jury saw nightmare-inducing videos Paul and Karla shot of their crimes. Anyone who has seen Heidi's "music video"—hand-shot by Spence himself—also had nightmares of a completely different, pink-bikinied, beach-humping variety.
4. They're all blonde.
5. They're all republicans.
Heidi has announced to the press that she's voting for John McCain because "I'm a republican" and "he has a lot of experience." Of course, as of yet, Miss Vote or Die is not registered to cast her ballot. I'll be honest: I haven't found hard evidence of Paul and Karla's political affiliations, but I'm going to go ahead and make the conjecture that they're conservative anyway. Because all the people that come out as hardcore freaks usually scream family values from the hilltops.
Next time: Is Lohan the new Aileen Wurnos?