I've been gone for a minute, but now I'm back with the jump-off. Seriously, work's been crazed and I got out of town for a bit, but now I'm back and ready to bitch! Did you miss me? I totally missed you!
So for my first topic in a while...it seems Hollywood parents have been in the news lately, what with the new Bonnaduce show and all the hubbub about Living Lohan. Plus, it's seedy and sleazy and everyone likes to make fun of them. So I thought I'd do a little research into this crazy world and choose the craziest ones I could find. Since it's been a while, let's get to it!
13. Leslie Panettiere
I hate this bitch and I don't really know why. OK, I DO know why. She's sort of like a Dina Lohan—totally glomming on to her marginally-talented daughter Hayden's success and getting plastic surgery, hamming it up in huggy pics with her daughter, posing on the red carpet and obviously wishing some casting agent would say, "You know, Hayden's good, but what we really want is YOU!"
12. Teri Shields
Teri shoved daugher Brooke in front of the camera before she was even one. By the time she was 13, Brooke was doing her first nude scene with Mom's approval. "I knew it would be tasteful," says Teri. "Anybody who calls it child pornography has not seen the damn thing. I don't mind Brooke being called a sex symbol. But nymphet and Lolita rub me the wrong way." Although still close with Brooke, Teri drinks like a fish and is known in Hollywood as a ball-breaking meddler.
11. Duncan Nutter
Never did anyone live up to their name as well as Nutter. He's a man on a mission like you've never seen before. And his mission is break himself, his wife and all seven of his kids into showbiz, no matter how much they resist. Nutter's obsession drove him to pack the family up from a comfortable five-bedroom home and cram them into a two-bedroom NYC apartment and then force them to go to auditions, all of which was documented on the Bravo classic Showbiz Moms & Dads. His children seemed to regard him with a sort of amused indifference and completely ignored the fact that's he's obviously gay. It all made him the most memorable stage parent kook on a show full of really memorable stage parent kooks.
10. Wanda Holloway
Wanda would be higher, but no one actually died. Yep, she's the infamous Texas cheerleader murdering mom, known for taking out a hit on the mother of her daughter's cheerleading rival in the early '90s. Wanda served six months in prison and is presumably still fulfilling her 1,000 hours of community service. Two movies were made about the brouhaha (and frankly, I always liked Leslie Ann Warren's Wanda better than Holly Hunter's). Oh, and even after all that, her daughter still didn't make the squad. Way to go, idiot! After everything I did for you!
9. Lynne Spears
Remember when Lynne and Britney used to be best friends and they would go tanning together and Britney would buy Lynne a new Mercedes every Mother's Day and they would co-authored that horrible novel about how a mother's love can help naive little kuntry girls with big dreams make it in the backstabbing flesh factory that is Hollywood? And remember when Lynne got a book deal to share parenting tips right around the time her 16-year-old daughter got knocked up and her other daughter was admitted to the psych ward for holding her two toddlers hostage? That was awesome.
8. Jeff Archuleta
I don't watch American Idol and I don't know anything about this guy, but as I was doing a little research for this post, his name kept popping up. Apparently, he was banned from the backstage area on Idol and when his son David appeared on Star Search, Naomi Judd called him the worst stage dad she'd ever seen. So you know...that's pretty bad.
7. Robin Browne
Living Dolls is the best child pageant queen documentary ever and it's all because of Swan Brooner. Swan, a five-year-old mini-pageanteer, displays the heroism of a war hero for not ripping the face off of her harpy drill sergeant mom-coach. Robin smokes intensely and screams at little Swan for turning too fast on the runway. She sprays Swan with cans and cans of Aqua Net and screams at her when she winces. She trowels enough makeup to supply an army of drag queens on Swan's face and screams at her if she messes it up. She spends thousands of dollars on mini Cache outfits to costume Swan in and screams at her when she doesn't smile appropriately. (I know that Robin died a few years ago, and it's unclear if Swan, who is probably about 13 now, continues to do pageants. My guess is that she's planning to join the Army for a break.)
6. Dina Lohan
Poor Dina...the press just won't leave her and her nice little family alone. They keep following them around and spreading lies and accusing her daughter of being a lesbo and making Dina look like a party animal stage mom who pimps out her kids for profit and takes them out to parties and snorts coke off toilet seats, allowed Linds to star in I Know Who Killed Me, etc. So what would any good parent do to help shield their children from teh interrogation-room lights of the cameras and stop the papers from cruelly judging and telling lies about their lives? Star in an E! Television reality show, that's what! Come on, Dina had no other choice! Oh, and she also refers to herself as the White Oprah, whatever the fuck that means...
5. Michael Lohan
The only thing worse than a drug-addicted, ex-con media whore stage parent is a drug-addicted, ex-con media whore stage parent who's found god. Mike won't pass up a chance to flap his gums about Lindsay and Dina's antics and who they're going to have to answer to when their livers finally give out. He even calls up Perez Hilton to offer "exclusives" on how many martinis Linds had at lunch or how horrible Dina is for exploiting their kids. I'd almost feel sorry for the Lohan kids if they weren't such a bunch of annoying sub-talented debu-brats.
4. Joe Simpson
Is there an FBI task force watching this guy? Because I'm sure a quick dig in his backyard will uncover a pit filled with the bodies of girls who mysteriously went missing after going to an "audition." He infamously made leering jokes about his own daughter's double-D boobies and talked endlessly about her promise to remain committed to Daddy and not let anyone touch her vagina until she got married. Then his other daughter got knocked up pre-nuptials by a girl-man.
3. Jaid Barrymore
It's easy to forget that the goofball flower child Drew Barrymore of today was an alcoholic and pothead at 10 and a champion eight-baller by 13. That was in no small part thanks to her mom Jaid who regularly took her young daughter out partying in the seedy underbelly of New York and LA (they were regulars at Studio 54) and exposed her to the likes of Paul Stanley and Halston. Now estranged from her mother, Drew once posed for Playboy several months before Mommy followed suit.
2. Kit Culkin
A former stage actor, Kit infamously projected his failed dreams onto his kids and ruined everyone's lives in the process. He demanded and threatened, overworked and mentally abused his little cash cow Macaulay and alienated pretty much all of Hollywood. Mac eventually took Dad to court to get control of his millions, then got married and divorced and now continues to act (well and in good movies like Saved and Party Monster) and dates That '70s Show cutie Mila Kunis. Still doesn't excuse the fact that his father allowed him to spend the night with Michael Jackson. Which brings us to...
1. Joe Jackson
We only need to look to the one and only Wacko Jacko to see the damage a stage parent can do. Just watch The Jacksons: An American Dream to get the scoop on Joe. It sometimes airs on VH1 and stars Freddie "Boom Boom" Washington as Joe. Anyway, Joe worked The Jackson Five to death, mentally, physically and sexually (according to LaToya during her really crazy years) abused them, fucked all kinds of groupies basically in front of his wife, and drove Michael to get all that freakshow plastic surgery (at least according to Michael in that infamous Martin Bashir documentary). But according to Jacko, his dad has "really mellowed out a lot."
Well, this post just went from pathetic to depressing. Aren't you glad I'm back?