Hollywood shitavalanche!

I can't stand Mike Myers. He's not funny and I heard that he's also a dick.

Every time I see ads for his new movie The Love Guru I want to drive sharp sticks under my nails just for a little enjoyment and comic relief. As if this movie wasn't ridiculous enough already, Jessica Alba plays the owner of a hockey team. If there's anything worse than precious resource-wasting bad comedies, it's movies with stupid skanks cast as thinkers. Sort of like when Tara Reid played a street-smart anthropologist and when Denise Richards was cast as a brilliant nuclear physicist in that James Bond movie.

Anyway, The Love Guru is just one in a long line of offensively unfunny-looking comedies that are currently (or about to be) crapping all over the big screen. You Don't Mess With the Zohan is the latest Adam Sandler vehicle. He's another one that I don't get. The man is not funny by any stretch of the imagination. This latest abomination has him doing a stereotypical impression of an Israeli who fakes his own death to follow his dream of being a hairstylist in New York. Wow, that sounds fucking HILARIOUS! How far into it before they make a hairy crotch joke?

Here's another one for you. Read this synopsis and just guess who the star is: "A crew of miniature aliens operate a spaceship that has a human form. While trying to save their planet, the aliens encounter a new problem, as their ship becomes smitten with an Earth woman." Surprise! Eddie Murphy is playing the "spaceship"! And he's also playing the alien pilot! And about 50 other roles in the movie! One of which I'm sure is a fat black woman in a bikini! And another of which is a fat kid who farts a lot! Get in line now for your tickets to the cleverly-titled Meet Dave because it's going to be a cult hit! And maybe it will even win an Oscar like Norbit did!

Also coming out soon is the movie version of He's Just Not That Into You, starring Tinseltown's favorite sad sack Jennifer Aniston. Now there's a casting director with a sense of humor. This is a movie that's based on a self-help book. Oh my god, it's going to be excruciating! I predict the "plot" will revolve around a group of friends who meet up regularly in a hipster-filled coffee shop/mojito bar to lament their latest hilariously lousy dates and good-naturedly grouse about their hopeless love lives. Yippee, another one! I'd almost rather watch Meet Dave. Almost.

So anyway, the point is that we can pretty much count on no haw-haws this summer. No laffs for you! Just comic book movies.

Here's what Hollywood needs: a new rating system that labels comedies by how fucking stupid they are. The Lowest Common Denominator Rating, as it were. Here are some suggestions to get the ball rolling:

F(D)S: Fat (Drag) Suits

DCCC: Descecration of a Cherished Childhood Character, i.e. Doctor Doolittle, the Cat in the Hat, Garfield

F125: lead character will essentially Fart for 125 minutes straight

DB: Dating Bitchfest

EES: Eisenhower-Era Stereotypes, i.e. mincing gays, loud black women, boob-grabbing Down's kids

Any other ideas, you mad genii?

That all said, I completely loved Semi Pro. And I think I might be the only person in the world that thinks Dead Man on Campus starring Mark-Paul Gosselaar is fucking hilarious. Yeah, I'm all about dopey comedies, especially if they involve mascot abuse and Will Farrell in his manties. I just hate Mike Myers, Sandler, Eddie Murphy and Aniston.