I wish I could quit the Oscars

• I haven't seen "Crash." I honestly have no interest in seeing "Crash." But is "Crash" really better than "Brokeback"? Because "Brokeback" was pretty fucking great. Upset of the night.

• Jon Stewart...Best. Host. Ever. Loved the joke about Bjork getting shot by Cheney. But I have to say that the best moment of the night was Tom Hanks getting hit by the poison dart. Reminds me that dude used to be pretty darn funny before he started trying to save the space program and talking to volleyballs.

• Second-best moment of the night: the montage of Westerns. Hi-freaking-larious!

• Someday you will see me at the Oscars. And it will be as Joaquin Phoenix's date. I guarantee it. And I promise I will help him relax and not look so uncomfortable and constipated all the time.

• Besides that, I've been asked if I could do a sandwich with any two nominees who would it be. Are you ready? Phillip Seymour Hoffman and Paul Giametti. That's right. You heard me.

• I also have another new boyfriend: Terrance Howard. Hello, nurse!

• Jake Gyllenhall was high.

• Keira Knightley is fast becoming my new Gwenyth Paltrow. What an annoying little pouty princess. Blah. I hated her stupid prom-queen-circa-1988 dress, but I have to admit I loved the necklace.

• Bad hair was rampant this year. Charlize looked like she had a slumber party last night where everyone did each other's hair and makeup. Sandra Bullock's looked like the Bride of Frankenstein. Kiera Knightley's hair looked like mine does right now. Also, what was with all the bad bleached-out dye jobs? Kidman, Knightley and Charlize: take a cue from Dolly. If you're gonna bleach it, bleach it.

• And now for best and worst dressed. Best:
Felicity Huffman—hot mama!
J-Lo. I'm sure I might be in the minority on this one but I loved the color and not many can pull it off. That jaundaced, mall-haired skeleton sitting next to her really dragged the overall look down, though.
Salma Hayek. She was pretty in teal and her boobs looked great.
Ziyi Zhang. Unique, cute, young and fun.

I'm sideways on Michelle Williams's dress (at least she went with something other than off-white like most of the other gals did), but her makeup was fantabulous

And worst:
Jennifer Aniston. God, could she be more boring?
Nicole Kidman: Advice from one pale gal to another: NEVER WEAR WHITE! And her hair was sticking up when she was presenting.
Naomi Watts: Love her, hated the paper-shredder remnants she was wearing.
Helena Bohnam Carter. Is this woman on crack? Because this stuff can't be the work of a conscious mind.


Lola said...

Put Terence Howard down, and back away slowly. I love him, I lurve him, I want to put him in my martini and drink him like it's my last meal and I'm in prison in Ireland. LOVED Jon Stewart. You can have Joaquin-used to love him sooooo much, but he's so damned unsmiley these days. Love my Clooney-my age, and I have to start hitting it sometime. Overall I didn't hate the show, but Michelle Williams-what is it about her I don't like? She sorta seems Prozaced out, but whatever, coz I don't want Heath. Drunk Jack Nicholson-surprise! Jennifer Aniston-I know why Brad left you-you're a tool! "Crash" was underwhelming. OK, but not, fab. How was the Oscar party? Ville and I laughed and laughed at the inanity of the night, then I scrubbed him with Clorox and a Brillo pad and sent him to my bedroom. Good times.

Lola said...

HOLD THE PHONE, LUCILLE....What? WHAT??? Phillip Seymour Hoffman and Paul Giametti sammich? Um...ok, girl, I'm drawing the line here. While I think they're both talented, would I do either of them? Oh, I don't think so. However, I am willing to tell you my guilty freaky sammich pleasures: Steve Buscemi and James Gandolfini. You may now hurl in my general direction.

David said...

Many people are upset about Brokeback not taking Best Picture. I learned there is no shame in coming in #2.

Lola said...

"David said...
Many people are upset about Brokeback not taking Best Picture. I learned there is no shame in coming in #2 "

You funny guy, Dave.