3/30/2006

Death metal bands have the dumbest names

While I'm keeping a bit of low profile, waiting for the buzz from the Stupid & Contagious World Exclusive to die down, I thought I'd turn my attention to a topic I haven't covered in at least a week—extreme metal freaks.

Black metal bands may be made up of raving satanic loons with ridiculous "scary" pseudonyms like Necrobutcher and Goat, but at least the bands themselves have relatively normal names. Immortal, Mayhem, Bathory, Emperor, Venom—nothing too fancy here, but enough to get the point across. Death metal bands, on the other hand, seem to have a penchant for dreaming up the fucking stupidest monikers ever.

This is truly a skill. Many bands-of-the-minute seem to spend more time primping their asymmetrical shag haircuts than they do on their band's name. Not in death metal. These guys think long and hard on what is going to successfully scare Mom and Dad and get themselves on the christian right shitlist. These "creative" names seem to fall into one of five categories, which I've listed below with examples. Yes, these are all real bands (and, strangely enough, the majority of them hail from Florida, the Sunshine State, also the home base of many boy bands and Jeb Bush).

Before you ask, there IS a difference between black metal and death metal, the specifics of which I'm not entirely clear on. The gist seems to be that death metal focuses more on, well, death and cemeteries and gothy things like that, and black metal talks more about renouncing god, embracing satan, yada yada. But I could be wrong. That's also not to mention the evil slew of other headbanger styles like grindcore, thrash, doom metal, speed metal, nu metal, deathrock, slam, metalcore and about 900,000 other subcategories. See? You DO learn something new every day. Even if it is useless shit like this. Now on to the absurdity:

1.) Bodily functions and mutilation. There is an astounding number of death metal bands with names that fall into this category:
• Cystic Dyssentary
• Visceral Bleeding
• Decrepit Skeleton
• Intestine Baalism
• Gory Blister
• Vomit Remnants
• Anal Blast (which I think is my personal favorite)
• Bloodgasm
• Jungle Rot

2.) Declaration to kill and/or maim (extra points for getting really specific)
• Cattle Decapitation
• Prostitute Disfigurement
• Dismembered Fetus
• Severed Head
• Nun Slaughter
• Cock and Ball Torture (I changed my mind: this is my favorite)
• Bound in Human Flesh

3.) Really, really, really, really, really, really long
• The Number Twelve Looks Like You
• The Tide That Turns The Christians Souls Into Dust And Summons Satan To His Infernal Palace
• 666 Lacerations to the Sternum (OK, this one really IS my favorite)
• Paracoccidioidomicosisproctitissarcomucosis

4.) Strangely earthy and not at all threatening
• Autumn Leaves
• Canopy
• Budgie
• Manatee
• Winds

5.) Beyond stupid
• Wykked Wytch
• Jumpin' Jesus
• Lord Fuck (the best one yet)
• Bestial Warlust

I'm not sure what is more incomprehensible here: the names or the music itself. Call me a music snob, but I just don't get it. Apparantly there is meant to be a message in the music, but what they are trying to say is anyone's guess—the vocal stylings can only be described as Charlie Brown's teacher vomiting into a megaphone. What are they saying? It's too loud! Turn it down! And what are they so mad about anyway? Yeah, I'm totally getting old. But I guess if you go to see a band called "Gory Blister" you most likely have a pretty good idea what you're going to be in for.

5 comments:

BlackDeath said...

Interestings views on this music... makes me laugh!

Epicus said...

I enjoy what I have read. If you were being serious...very naive of you.

Charly Death Metal said...

I assume you're kidding when you don't get death or black metal. True, some stuff is very hard to digest and you might wonder who would crave for that shit, nonetheless there are countless metal bands in death and black metal that show musical dexterity far beyond the average and that do awesome music. So, if you are really serious with what you're saying inform yourself better the next time.

Anonymous said...

Well I could take a dump in your ear, that would take a lot of dexterity, still sound like shit though...

dracopticon said...

Very, very funny view on the dumb death band nincompoops! Thanks for a nice time of hilarious thought!