2006: The year the music died

OK, I refuse to start out this post the way everyone else will (What a year it's been! In 2006, we saw the rise of blah blah, the demise of blee blee and the pantyless crotches of X, Y and Z...). Instead, I will say that just because 2006 is almost officially over does not mean the quarter four FISCAL year is anywhere near up, so please keep performing at top output productivity level to maintain synergy and maximize results in the workplace.

One such place to look to as a model is insipid music scandal sheet Blender Magazine, a publication that just released the 2006 Noisemaker Awards via their partnership with AOL. As expected, their choices range from the obvious (Lohan is trainwreck of the year) to the mystifying (Da Brat and David Gest are a couple??????) to the laughably ludicrus (the "funnier than Dane Cook" award—um, who ISN'T funnier than Dane Cook?).

What baffles me the most is the incessant jacking off over such banal mediocrity as AFI, Panic at the Disco (sorry, Panic! at the Disco) and My Chemical Romance. What the everlasting fuck? I will let you in on a little secret. These bands are not just virtually indistinguishable. THEY ARE ALL THE EXACT SAME BAND! With the exact same singers! Sad but true: all of the frontmen of these groups (Gerard Way and whoever the other two are) are actually Jared Leto. That's right, THE Jared Leto. And you thought he was just painting his eyes with sad black eyeliner and pretending to be a singer in that 30 Seconds to Mars outfit because he loves music. Wrong! In reality, he's fronting these other three bands under false name and in disguise as some kind of convaluted performance art. What is his message? I have no idea, but I'm sure it has something to do with the degredation of musical integrity and the homogenization of pop bands and tunes by Big Music to turn out the same mush pablum formula over and over again for airplay and sales.

But I could be wrong about that. Anyway...

As usual, I can't just let this go. Shit like this just makes me rabidly angry. So here are just a few of Blender's poll categories, their top results and my personal picks. Not that anyone else would agree that my picks will be any better or anything. But any pollster that asks "where was sexy before Justin?" clearly doesn't have a clue about anything.

Album of the year
They chose My Chemical Romance's "The Black Parade." I just don't get this band. Granted, I don't know anything about them except that every time I see them they're wearing 1950s majorette uniforms for some reason. I also read about this grandiose promotion they did for this album involving 20 black-cloaked assholes marching around London and a sold-out concert where they played under a pseudonym that also happened to be the title of their new album. I guess that must be, like, art or something...

My choice: "Broken Boy Soldiers", The Racanteurs

Song of the year
Blender selected "My Love" by Justin Timberlake, which I have never heard before. Hmmm, do I smell a payola scandal? Not sure about that, but something sure is fishy.

My choice: "Cherry Waves", Deftones

Douchebag of the year
They picked Federline. I say that's too easy. My choice is Pete Wentz, bass player for another band I don't get, Fall Out Boy. God, I hate that guy. He's EVERYWHERE. And why? He's the fucking bass player. He looks like an ape. He allegedly dated Ashlee Simpson. He keeps naked pictures of himself on his Sidekick (which was revealed to the world when said Sidekick was hacked earlier this year). And he has just about the stupidest haircut of all time. I also found out that he's a prep school grad, former all-state soccer player and dropped out of DePaul University one semester short of graduation to "focus on music." And he wrote a book all about the nightmares he had when he was a kid. Wow, he's so punk rock! I guess his eyeliner and emo tats should have given it away, but the requisite suicidal gesture solidifies it. Especially when he said of the incident, "I was isolating myself further and further, and the more I isolated myself, the more isolated I'd feel." Need I say more?

Couple of the year
Blender's choice: Pam and Kid Rock. Hell to the no! The clear choice is Immortal's Abbath and Horgh. Unlike Pammy and Kid, these two crazy kids and their leather and studs and spiked shinguards are going to be together forever! Come to think of it, maybe the spiked shinguards themselves should be couple of the year...

Quote of the year
They picked the Paris Hilton legend: "I'm not, like, that smart". A decent, if not totally obvious, choice. However, I have two submissions that may just upend Paris' moment of clarity. One is from Britney and one is from our favorite cracksmoker Pete Doherty. Can you guess who said what?
• "Since bidding for my jewel-encrusted bra in the eBay charity auction has exceeded our original expectations, I'm concerned that some of you may be confusing this bra for something that it's not."
• “One minute I'm waiting for Kate to arrive to join me in the Jacuzzi for a romantic evening. The next thing I can remember is doing cold turkey in a vomit-filled cell."

Happiest to see '06 over
They picked Britty. I picked the guy with the crotch-cam. I'm convinced that all those starlet genitalia shots were captured by just one enterprising paparrazo. He, like Leto, seems to be behind some kind of bizarre art project that is meant to show the world that underneath it all, celebutantes are merely human beings, just like us. Albeit human beings with Brazilians who never wear undies and make Pig Pen look like the pillar of personal hygene, but that's besides the point. It's the Truman Show for the modern age. And Jared Leto is behind the whole thing.