GOOP in your pants!

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Hey, everyone! Have you all made your new year's resolutions? It's always a great idea to kick off a new year with an empty promise to yourself that will go down the tubes by the end of the month! Inspiring!

If your intention is to lose some damn weight already, you're in luck. Our old pal Gwyneth Paltrow is here to help! In the latest issue of her GOOP newsletter, GP once again starts off the new year with a post about getting rid of all the liquid fat you crammed down your gullet during the holidays via a fun n' healthy cleanse. But this year, there's a new surprise: Gwynnie has introduced her very own GOOP CLEANSE! 

When you've woken up from your excitement-induced blackout, check out what this life-changing kit includes:

-Nourish: Protein powder
-Move: Fiber powder
-Clear 1: Probiotic anti-microbial
-Balance: Insulin regulator
-Ease: Digestive enzyme
-Encourage: Strong probiotic
-Clear 2: Liver support
-Cleanse Manual
-Recipe Guide

For a mere $425, all this can be yours! Then you can ingest handfuls of pills with a sludge "smoothie" chaser every day for an entire month, sending your body into starvation mode and giving you a hunger delirium that you'll interpret as "feeling lighter"!

You'll have a shake for breakfast, a shake for dinner and a sensible lunch from a select list of foods. Like a chicken wrap made with a wheat-free tortilla and two tablespoons of hummus. Or a pumpkin coconut stew that looks like what you're probably expelling into the toilet every night during your cleanse. Or a warm mint chocolate shake. Yes, warm. 

GOOP also advises you to "work with a doctor who understands and is supportive of your cleansing goals." In other words, "work with a 'doctor' who has a diploma in something like Naturopathic Accupressure from a university with a P.O. box for an address who will tell you to go for it, but only after you pick up a few of his or her approved supplements to help you in your Cleansing Journey." 

Once you've got your kit in your hot little hands, it's time to get started and get ready to shit like you've never shat before! That all-too-familiar "gotta-go gurgle" will seize you when you least expect it! Like when you're stuck in traffic! Or in the middle of a team meeting! And when the GOOP cleanse is ready to work, it's ready to give you the butt-blasting of a lifetime! Hey, if you really want the wispy, wan pallor of Paltrow, you have to work for it!

Might be a good idea to keep some Beano handy.

When it's all over, Gwynnie promises you'll lose a few pounds and kick off a healthier and more energetic new year. She's forcing the entire GOOP staff (all 2? 3? of them) to participate, and I'm sure Chris Martin is riding the porcelain roller coaster as we speak. Join them, BE them. 

OK, in all seriousness, I just can't with this crazy bitch any more. She is, quite literally, massively full of shit.


P.S. "Probiotic anti-microbial"?? They may as well have just called it Dr. R.J. Copperhead's Genuine Original Famous Snake Oyl Elixir Tonic Liniment For What Ails Ya.

P.P.S. Post title courtesy of the handsome and talented RockitKing!!


New year, same old shit

More trustworthy than
Rick Santorum.
Are you there, readers? It's me, Rockit.

The riots in the streets may cease: I am back to semi-regular blogging. It's Year 6 for Stupid & Contagious (whoop whoop) and I'd love to hear what you'd like to read about. I'm pretending that there are enough people just begging to read what I write, so play along. If there's any topic—pop culture or otherwise—you'd like me to make fun of, simply say so in the comments and your wish is my command. 

That said, the world is ending in December, so get your requests in ASAP.

Despite impending doom, there are already a number of things for us to "look forward to" this year. And a number of things that we know are inevitable. For instance:

- Britney's getting married for the third time! And this time, our favorite little dead-eyed automaton is tying the knot with long-time boyfriend Not Jim Jarmusch. Actually, now that I think about it, he looks more like if Jim Jarmusch, Dax Shepard and Sam Merlotte from True Blood. So I will henceforth nickname him Jardaxmerlotte. Anyway, how long do we all think this one will last? My guess: they'll quietly divorce within three years, asking for privacy during this difficult time and assuring everyone that they remain "the best of friends."

-Duggars announce #20, take 2! Despite the fact that clearly Jesus is telling them to knock it the fuck off already, I predict we'll get a "happy announcement" sometime during the summer months, most likely July. Another miscarriage will occur, this time with  Michelle's uterus falling out and saying "I quit this bitch." Again they'll pimp the tragedy out with touching, "tasteful" photos of the dead kid, a creepy memorial service and an anti-abortion infomercial thinly disguised as a "tribute video." And if the tissue sample is a boy, they'll name it Jesus. (In fact, I can't believe they haven't named one that already.) 

-Charlie Sheen is elected president in November! Since Americans clearly want a mentally unstable kook in office, the country goes for broke and elects everyone's favorite quote machine into the president's chair. Also, Casey Anthony for VP.

-Beyonce and Jay-Z become parents! Oh, right...no one cares. Until Jay-Z comes out of the closet and takes up with the newly single Kobe Bryant!

-Doomsday cults commit mass suicide on 12-21-12! This includes the weirdos who follow Harold Egbert Camping, aka C. Montgomery Burns in the flesh. Sad but true, people...we know this is going to happen. 

-The summer Olympics! Oh goody...more drooling over Michael Phelps! More scandals involving underage Chinese gymnasts! Loads of triumph-over-adversity vignettes in between events! Weird mascots that make no sense whatsoever! Condescending pandering to the "little countries that could" who win bronze in something like canoe slalom or trampoline gymnastics! Mohammed Ali dragged out and propped up to light the torch! Non-stop late-night show jokes about weird-looking aerodynamic leotards! I can't wait!

-Paltrow continues to be an insufferable blowhard! Oh my god, I have been trying not to explode reading about her macrobiotic hangover cures, her "Emmy scrapbook" and the new GOOP app. Prediction: I will continue reading her site even though it makes me have a literal aneurysm every time and will blog incessantly about her pompous vomitings even though my New Year's resolution is to stop masochistically subjecting myself to things I hate.

-RockitQueen becomes a mash-up star! 'Cause I'm dying to mix up "Careless Whispers" with Lords of Acid's "I Must Increase My Bust."

Any additions to make to this list? Sound off, my pretties! And thanks for sticking with me. HUGS!