BREAKING: Everyone's an indigo!

I hope that after reading my recent post about indigo children that you didn't walk away from your computer suddenly feeling bad about yourself because you wished you were special, too. You ARE special! In fact, according to this article, we're all so fucking extraordinary that human beings as we know them are going to be rendered obsolete. We're on the road to becoming the extreme species! Kind of like how freestyle moguls is extreme skiing, or how Jolt is extreme pop. In fact, there is going to be so much high performance shit going down that we'll be lucky if the whole world doesn't just blow up.

Speaking of blowing up, your ego is going to be out of control when you find out that every single person has the power inside to be an indigo. Yes, it's true! Indigos don't just come in kid-size, adults can be just as obnoxious and entitled by using unprovable pseudoscience as an excuse for their douchebaggery! According to the web page above, it's all a matter of tapping into the hidden power of your own DNA. Here's the pitch: "Imagine if you woke up one morning and realized that you had dormant superhuman abilities that were waiting to be unleashed. That once you activated these abilities, you could manifest anything you desired in your life, live a life without drama, create your ideal physical body, become immune to all dis-ease [sic], and REVERSE the aging process. Imagine if you realized that you could actually change your blueprint of life, your DNA, to enable you to expand your creative potential, provide access to your subconscious mind, and become intuitive, clairvoyant, and know instantly what your purpose is in life."

After you've finished having a laughing fit and picked yourself up from the floor, prepare yourself for what comes next: the claim that humans are only using "3 percent of our two-strand DNA" causing us to live in a world "where people are sick, unhappy, stressed out, create wars, have difficulty experiencing love, and are totally disconnected with the universe." The solution to all these problems is simple: all you have to do is use 100 percent of your DNA and in MULTIPLE STRANDS!!!!!!! And as an added bonus, you won't even have to hit the gym as much because all of this positive thinking makes you physically stronger!!!!

Now I know some of you might be "sceptics" (as it says on this site) because this all sounds too good to be true. I mean, if this is real, then why aren't accredited medical doctors and shrinks recommending this technique to everyone that comes through the door? I expect it's because scientists are too closed-minded and concerned with proven facts to open their minds to something so new agey and cutting edge. Because what these stiffs don't realize is that all that stress business that is holding us back isn't our fault to begin with...it's demonic possession. From the same site: "Have you ever had an argument with your mate and they said something so bizarre that you didn't know where it came from? As if it was someone else talking. Well, it probably WASN'T them. It was one of their entities talking."

Ooh, wow. I wonder what entities I have. Maybe it's someone famous, like Abraham Lincoln or Joan of Arc or Tiny Tim. Don't get those entities going at once or you're screwed because this shit is deadly! "Emotions are VERY powerful. They can kill you if left unchecked. This is why people die. Their emotions eventually 'burn up' the body."

Wait, wait, wait. Let's pause and summarize: it sounds as if they are saying a bad attitude can kill you from the inside, but it's not your fault because you might be possessed by John Wayne Gacy and you can save yourself by doing something as simple as, oh, just completely changing the nucleic acid that contains the genetic instructions for your development and functioning. Yeah, I'll get on that right after "Idol."

Sounds like quite the undertaking. But of course you don't have to embark on this journey alone—"international spiritual teacher, reiki master, Soul Wisdom Psyche Doctor, distant healing specialist, co-founder of the Higher School for Conscious Evolution, and author of the Great Master (available in 2007)" Toby Alexander is here to feel you up and declare you healed! This is the guy who is going to help you tap into your secret DNA-fueled potential. Don't worry, he's totally qualified; in fact, "he has been initiated into Babaji's ancient Kriya Yoga tradition and received initiations (shaktipat) directly from Babaji" and "was initiated as Mahaswami Shivananda Brahmananda into the Maitri Violet-Silver Chord Order." You're probably asking "what the fuck does that even mean?" and how dare you question someone of such stature in the "healing facilitation" field. He's a gifted man who is just sharing his gifts with the world, for the low, low price of just $100 per session. His generosity is unmatched! Of course, the Tobester requires an Auric Clearing and a Karmic Session FIRST and once you are free of pond scum, then the DNA activation can begin.

Not only is Toby a big helper, he's also humble: "I am committed to help activate others into their own mastery, with the highest possible intentions through Divine Love, removing all energetic blockages so that all human beings may choose to EMBODY their Higher selves, so that they can then live in line with their soul's purpose, and do what they truly came here to do."

I have a question. So let's say we go through with our auric clearing, karmic sessions, DNA activation and whatnot and it turns out that our soul's purpose is to waltz into a children's hospital and mow down a few cancer-stricken tots and nuns with an AK-47. What happens then? Can we blame Brahmananda? Will the Maitri Violet-Silver Chord Order hire Mark Geragos to defend us?

Another question: is all this legal? It's kind of like having the ring in "Lord of the Rings", isn't it? It seems that W needs to appoint this guy as surgeon general or something. Maybe we should direct Toby to Norway so he can give the Count a little karmic session so he won't be so testy all the time. That would go over well. And why isn't he helping Britty? Her aura is all out of whack lately and you would think that a soul wisdom psyche doctor would be of great help to a 12-stepper. Who knows, maybe insurance won't cover it and this shit gets expensive.

Anyway, the point of all this is: if you think you've heard the most ridiculous thing of all time, you can always find something to top it. I really need to stop writing about this now because Tiny Tim is starting to act up and I think I'd better tranq up fast.


The 2nd Annual Stupie Awards!

When I handed out the first-ever round of Stupie awards last year, I was thrilled to receive my first piece of hate mail a few days later. You may recall that someone known only as "cameron_frye" accused me of being unfair and uninformed in my snarky assessment of former GN'R guitarist Buckethead. Honestly, I was really excited that someone cared enough to bitch me out, and I feel kind of bad that I suggested that cameron_frye was actually Buckethead himself. I didn't really think that, and I was truthfully hoping to incite him into a good-natured Buckethead debate that could have dragged on to bore everyone for weeks or even months. No such luck; cameron_frye was off in Egyptland or something because I never heard from him again.

Then, months and months later, I got a second piece of hate mail in which I was informed that I am "the dumbest person to ever create a blog" and told to "get a fucking life" by and anonymous reader for live-blogging the David-Blaine-in-a-fishbowl stunt. Whoever this person was didn't stick around long enough for me to completely agree that, yes, I am a dumb bitch, and I totally DO need to get a fucking life. If anything, I strive to take responsibility for my actions and blogging that godawful, soul-sucking event was probably the most embarrassing thing I've ever done to date. Well, except that one thing, but that's not important right now...

The point is that I hope that everyone will continue to leave comments for me because I enjoy hearing what you have to say, good and bad. And if there is anything that's just screaming out for commentary/ridicule from readers it's the 2nd Annual Stupie Awards! Feel free to use the comments section to agree, disagree, add awards, call me a dumb bitch, whatever. This is a safe place and a free speech zone. The only rule is that we only make fun of those who deserve it. Now, on to the awards...

• Cutest •
Poor, poor Ville. Due to his post-breakup slag period, he has been knocked out of contention for this coveted Stupie for '06. Don't worry, we still love you, Ville, but this year, the prestigious award goes to resident CNN hunk Anderson Cooper! There—I've said it. And I'm not ashamed! When he's not dodging missles in a war zone or tied to a tree to report during a hurricane (because he's dedicated), he's doing unheard of things such as researching the people he's interviewing and developing thoughtful and relevant questions that CNN viewers really want answers to. And then there was the time that he was interviewing Jeff Corwin while holding a cute little three-toed sloth and it took several hours for me to rematerialize after melting into the floor. Oh my god. I can't even talk about it. (And, yes, I realize that he is most likely not playing for my team, and the fact that he never talks about it makes him even more intruiging. And if you had seen that three-toed sloth thing, I'm telling you, the guys reading this would be celebrating, too.)

• Coolest •
I'm totally going to lose my rock credibility on this one, but Gwen Stefani is just the bestest! It's been a great year for Gwen. She had another hit record. She's a mommy to the cutest baby around. She and Gavin seem to have a refreshingly drama-free relationship (at least any drama is kept out of the public eye). She wears the awesome outfits. Bottom line: Gwen kicks hella ass.

• Most Annoying •
Sorry to keep bringing this tool up, but it's gotta be Pete Wentz. Note to Pete: NO MORE NUDITY FROM YOU! A little piece of me dies every time I log on to Pink is the New Blog and there you are showing us your stunted, sad little emo boy physique. No one wanted to see you naked in the first place. Also, you have the dumbest tattoos I've ever seen. Please have them removed immediately.

• White Trashiest •
I'm retiring Britty from this category because obviously it's going to be her every single time (and we can't have her win in more than one category, either...oops, spoiler!). This year's winner is Posh Spice, and I mean this nicely. I'm completely fascinated by the whole concept of chavs and charvers in the UK, and I think she is the queen bee of this little subculture. She's such a robot and she's always dragging her cute kids around dressed in Burberry hoodies and she named one of her kids after the place where he was concieved and she's always shopping while wearing huge sunglasses and she weighs about two pounds and has the fakest boob job ever and she seems like kind of a royal bitch (but in an amusing way) and she and Becks are this nouveau riche/gaudy/trashy-but-totally-loveable couple and I kind of want those crazy kids to make it. I hope that makes sense.

• Best Reality Freak •
You may think our winner is Real World Key West's Paula, but you would be wrong. Edging her out by a small margin is Tyra Banks. Mark my words: that bitch is crazy. Anyone who watches America's Next Top Model (which I totally need to write about one of these days) can tell you that each season she seems to slip away from logic and reason a little bit more. The first indication of her descent into madness was when she screamed at a model who didn't cry enough when she got voted off the show. Then she went ape shit to a most embarrassing degree on her talk show over, of all things, Vaseline. Her svengali-like attitude, horrible attempts at comic relief and questionable Oprah obsession makes me believe that while Janice Dickinson was considered the crazy one on the ANTM panel, Tyra is simply much more calculating and, therefore, a far more dangerous psychotic. Plus, that gigantic weave she's sporting of late leads me to believe that she's transforming herself into Gossamer from Looney Tunes, after Bugs did his hair in dynamite curlers.

• Song of the Year •
So I didn't keep up with my music blog. I perfectly happy blathering on in my own mind about rock and rock-related topics, and I'm sure eventually I'll update it when I feel particularly inspired by something. But anyway, I sort of covered this topic a few weeks back when I discussed the Blender Noisemaker awards, and just to reiterate, I still stand behind Deftones' "Cherry Waves" as my favorite song of the year. It's what modern metal should be.

• Lamest Song of the Year •
"You're Beautiful", James Blunt. If I hear that whiny bullshit one more time, someone's getting tasered. Chino could totally kick that guy's ass.

• Best Movie •
Nothing made me laugh harder or cringe more than "Borat". Runner up: "Little Children", featuring the highly-anticipated comeback appearance of me and Jon's favorite former child star Jackie Earle Haley.

• Worst Movie •
I'm going to go out on a limb and say that, even though I didn't see any of them, it's a pretty sure bet that it's either "Employee of the Month", "Norbitt" or "Wild Hogs." But the worst movie I saw was "Domino" for much less cool then it thought it was. First, we had wooden "starlet" Keira Knightly as a model-turned-bounty-hunter for the T&A factor (which would have been fine, had she possessed any T or A). Then we had Mickey Rourke, who looks as if he's wearing a Leatherface-style mask of his own former face, and made me want to hide under my seat. Then there is this whole reality show subplot that could have been much better, but just seemed sort of tacked on at the last minute for comic relief. I actually had high hopes for some mindless fun, but it nearly turned deadly, as my brain hasn't fully recovered from mild stroke brought on from all the quick cuts and flashing shit.

• Freakiest •
The mannequin-esque John Mark Carr, who oozed out of the limelight almost as quickly as he slunk into it. What freaks me out the most is the eternal question: what exactly does a person have to do to get thrown out of THAILAND? Don't tell me! I have delicate sensibilities. And I'm sure it's something none of us have ever heard of anyway. Can you believe that guy was a teacher and a freaking NANNY? One look at him would have sent me running for the number of my local FBI field office. I thought the guys on the Dateline "To Catch a Predator" series were a bunch of creepy weirdos, but I think even those guys would be avoiding eye contact with Carr.

• Most Morbidly Fascinating •
I'm almost embarrassed of the degree to which I have been entertained by "The Surreal Life" and "Flavor Of Love". "TSL" has actually caused me to completely change my opinion on people; for example, Steve Harwell of Smash Mouth used to be one of the victims of my dream tour bus crash (along with Mark McGrath and Coldplay), but has been officially removed from the list after his appearance on the show because he seemed like a really cool, nice guy. Plus, the list of classic scenes is endless: Mini-Me drunk, nude and peeing on the floor; Tawny Kitaen's coke-fueled ramblings; Ron Jeremy striking up an unlikely friendship with Tammy Faye Bakker; Flavor Flav and Brigette Nielson's grotesque flirtations. And speaking of Flav, how about his search for romance on "Flavor of Love"? I mean the whole thing is just such a beautiful hot mess that you really just have to see it to believe it.

• Why Is This Person Considered Hot? Award •
It utterly baffles me that Pete Doherty (a.) continues to somehow being an inspiration to the London fashion scene, (b.) manages to stay out of long-term prison despite having a record that makes Jan-Michael Vincent look like a pillar of society, and (c.) dates uber-cutie Kate Moss and earns an award as Britain's Sexiest Man. Just take a look at that picture and, after you've returned from throwing up in the bathroom, please explain it to me. As for the gals, Pamela Anderson, who looks more and more like an aged drag queen every year, has mystified me for years. Don't get me wrong: I thought she was a good sport in "Borat" and, yes, she's all plastic and Playboy-perfect, but to me she's kind of like a Fergie...nice bod, but what the fuck is up with that mug? And why do Playmates always completely shave off their eyebrows and then crayon them back on?

• Hindenburg Award •
I can't retire Britney from this one yet because her descent into madness has been so utterly perfect. I couldn't have even imagined anything more fabulous and fulfilling. This year, I'm eagerly anticipating her attempt to return to the stage with a whole new look and a bunch of deep, spiritual songs she wrote in rehab. I predict that while she thinks she'll be accepted with open arms she will be shocked to learn that no one cares anymore, much like Michael Jackson. She'll keep churning out the pop pabulm like he does but with no update from her last hit record. And then her sister Jamie-Lynn will become America's newest sweetheart and it's going to be just like "Whatever Happened To Baby Jane", and hopefully with the makeup.

• Stupid & Contagious Person Of The Year •
For unending positivity The Pixy is my winner for the year! While the whole "manchild" thing is more than slightly disturbing, in this year of meltdowns, downfalls, divorce and debauchery, the Pixy continues to warm my rotting little heart with his generosity, acceptance and unapologetic wearing of unitards. Essentially, the Pixy is harmless, like Norway. Norway can't help it that it just so happens to be the birthplace of soulless cannibals, killers and arsonists. It is what it is, and that's the way we love it, just like the Pixy.

Congrats to all of this year's winners! And, Anderson, I'll see YOU at 10...


UPDATE: Schooled on Spicoli (kind of)

So I've been stood corrected on yesterday's post, but with stipulation. Already the nine degrees of separation between the two Spicolis has been whittled down to a mere three. Observe:

Sean Penn is in The Thin Red Line with
John Travolta, who's in Look Who's Talking with
Kirstie Alley, who's in Summer School with
Dean Cameron

Very impressive and all fine and good, HOWEVER, I used only people who starred in either the Fast Times movie or TV series, because it's kind of funny to see how incestuous Hollywood really is, especially when it comes to shitty TV. So, anyway, since Dean Cameron was in Summer School with Courtney Thorne-Smith, can we then connect Courtney with a Fast Times alum in Look Who's Talking? There's your assignment. Dazzle me.


9 degrees of Spicoli

Have you ever had a conversation with someone where you start out just casually chit-chatting about the weather and 10 minutes later, you've somehow segued into how your high school driver's ed instructor kept spare pairs of underpants in the glove compartment of the test car (which is totally true, by the way...don't ask) and suddenly wondered how in the world you managed to ebb and flow from something menial into such an obscure and twisted topic? Well, I had an obscure and twisted train of thought today that I'm still a little bit flummoxed by, and it went a little something like this:

First, I started thinking about "Fast Times at Ridgemont High," which led me to think about the "five-point plan"*, a plot gimmick that ended up being reused and rejigged for every teen movie made since (but without the excellent recommendation of the first side of the fourth Led Zeppelin album, even though I personally prefer side two), including "Ferris Bueller's Day Off", where Ferris had about 10 five-point plans throughout the course of the movie. This then caused me to remember the awful "Ferris Bueller" TV show (starring a smug guy who looked kind of like Ted McGinley or the guy that played Bo on "Welcome Back, Kotter" and a pre-nose job Aniston), which then led me to think, "Hey, wasn't there also a short-lived Fast Times TV show?"

Indeed there was, and when I looked up the "Fast Times" TV series on IMDb, I was flabbergasted at how many stars were featured players on that show:
• Claudia Wells, Marty McFly's girlfriend in "Back to the Future", as golden girl Linda Barrett
• Courtney Thorne-Smith as super-slutty Stacy Hamilton
• Dean Cameron, Chainsaw in "Summer School", as Spicoli
• Jason Hervey, best known as uber-ass Wayne Arnold on "The Wonder Years", as Spicoli's younger brother ("Go away, CUR-TIS! I only hear you if you knock!")
• Wallace Langham, coroner's assistant David Hodges on "CSI", as skills-challenged Mark "Rat" Ratner (no relation to Brett)
• Moon Unit Zappa as a new character not featured in the movie
• and funniest of all, Patrick "McDreamy" Dempsey as ticket-scalping schiester Mike Damone! Man, I can't stop cracking up over that one...

If you think that's crazy, wait until you hear what popped into my head next: "Hm, I wonder if I can use the Kevin Bacon game to connect the two Spicolis?" I simultaneously thought that may have been the most pathetic idea I've ever dreamed up and became a woman possessed. I wouldn't eat or sleep until I'd accomplished this task, and I was sure I would be the first person to ever do so. Shut up, brain, food can wait!

Well, guess what...I DID IT! And it didn't even take that long. Behold the glory:

Sean Penn (Spicoli, movie) was in the 1997 indie flick “Hugo Pool” with
Patrick Dempsey (Damone, TV), who was in some star-studded early-90s film called “Bank Robber” with
Forest Whitaker (Jefferson, movie) AND
Judge Reinhold (Brad, movie), who was in “Gremlins” with
Phoebe Cates (Linda, movie), who was in the Sundance hit “The Anniversary Party” with
Jennifer Jason Leigh (Stacy, movie), who provided a voice for the animated series “Mission Hill” which also features the voice of
Wallace Langham (Rat, TV), who guest starred on an episode of “ER” with
Anthony Edwards (Stoner, movie), who was in “Revenge of the Nerds 2” with
Courtney Thorne-Smith (Stacy, TV), who was in “Summer School” with
Dean Cameron (Spicoli, TV)!!!

I know I shouldn't be proud of having done this, but I am. So it's a few more than six degrees...surely, no one has even attempted this, so if anyone can do a better job, I'll be very impressed. And with this small victory, my train of thought finally comes to the end of the railroad tracks of my obsession. And thank god. Now I can finally eat.

* Just in case you forgot the sempiternal wisdom of Mike Damone, here's the original five-point plan, as tested on a cardboard cut-out of Debbie Harry in front of Record Town at the mall: "First of all, Rat, you never let on how much you like a girl. 'Oh, Debbie. Hi.'
Two: you always call the shots. 'Kiss me. You won't regret it.'
Three: act like wherever you are, that's the place to be. 'Isn't this great?'
Four: when ordering food, find out what she wants, then order for the both of you. It's a classy move. 'Now, the lady will have the linguini and white clam sauce, and a Coke with no ice.'
And five—now this is the most important, Rat. When it comes down to making out, whenever possible, put on side one of Led Zeppelin IV." (cut promptly to Stacy and Rat riding in a car and blasting "Kashmir"—from Physical Graffiti).