Beware the little children

I'm completely fascinated by the colossal squid. I think it may be my new favorite animal, or at least my favorite sea-bound creature. The colossal squid has eyes the size of dinner plates and tentacles as big around as tractor tires. The specimen caught yesterday by New Zealand fishermen is estimated to be 33 feet long!

Do not confuse the colossal squid with the giant squid or the jumbo squid, and fear what else may be out there. Can you imagine what is lurking along the sea floor? Be warned: the fucking ginormous squid (Ginorchoteuthis fuckisus) may be down there, and when it's found, then god help us.

While this elusive creature haunts the ocean deep, and even more impalpable and far more dangerous (and waaaaayyy less cool) specimen darkens the doorstep much closer to home. That specimen is the cryptical indigo child. What is an indigo child, you ask? Only the next big step in human evolution! If you think that big squid is amazing, wait until you hear about this madness.

According to this somewhat shady website, indigo children are "highly sensitive and psychic" little ones with a "collective purpose to mash down old systems that no longer serve us; they are here to quash government, educational, and legal systems that lack integrity. To accomplish this end, they need tempers and fiery determination." These special kids (or "starchildren") are meant to bring down The Man and launch all of humanity into a kindler, gentler third dimension where everyone can read minds and levitate and set the whole school on fire at the prom if they want to.

How are they going to do this, you inquire? By acting like little demons straight from the bowels of hell, of course! Also, having gullible enablers as parents helps. Here is a quick checklist to help you determine if you have an indigo child on your hands:

• They come into the world with a feeling of royalty (and often act like it).
• They have a feeling of "deserving to be here," and are surprised when others don't share that.
• Self-worth is not a big issue. They often tell the parents "who they are."
• They have difficulty with absolute authority (authority without explanation or choice).
• They simply will not do certain things; for example, waiting in line is difficult for them.
• They get frustrated with systems that are ritually oriented and don't require creative thought.
• They often see better ways of doing things, both at home and in school, which makes them seem like "system busters" (nonconforming to any system).
• They seem antisocial unless they are with their own kind. If there are no others of like consciousness around them, they often turn inward, feeling like no other human understands them. School is often extremely difficult for them socially.
• They will not respond to "guilt" discipline ("Wait till your father gets home and finds out what you did").
• They are not shy in letting you know what they need.

The site also points out that indigo kids are often "misdiagnosed" as having ADD or ADHD and that their "gifts" are often misunderstood and not respected. So in other words, they're hyperactive brats with wusses for parents. Don't ever babysit for an indigo kid! They don't believe in time out and they'll let you know it, you big meanie. Wonder how they would deal with getting a swift beating from a non-indigo child?

As you can well imagine, care and feeding of these delicate creatures is highly specialized. I'm certain they simply will not eat lima beans or quietly sit and play with Colorforms like we had to. Luckily the site above offers helpful tips to nurture your indigo by allowing them to help make the rules, teaching them how to meditate and advising them on how to "heal." This last one is particularly important, as is teaching them "energy shielding" and "grounding skills", 'cause "they will have severe mood swings caused by picking up on the energies of others around them." Here's one example of effective parenting offered by this helpful website: "I need you to help me get to the doctor on time. We have to go in five minutes to make the appointment, so do everything you need to before we go, like go to the bathroom if you have to. Also, since grandma is coming later we need to pick up your toys either now or as soon as we get home. You decide which."

I can't stop giggling. This is the absolute stupidest thing I've ever heard in my life. I am not a parent, but I was a kid once and I'm going to venture a guess and say that "you decide which" is not quite as effective as something along the lines of "get in the car now or Hokey Pokey Elmo sleeps with the fishes". If I'm annoyed by simply reading about these kids, imagine what it would be like to be in a room with one. Or at a fucking conference.

Besides all that, is it just me or is this all sounding suspiciously Scientological? If you check out both of those sites you'll see all manner of meaningless spiritual woo-woo being bandied about. Higher self, lower self, divine essence, multi-dimensional consiousness, gold rays, existensial depression, third-eye chakra...SERIOUSLY. God, I wish I was making this up. Are people so desperate to think of their kids as special and different and to acquiesce parental leadership that they will actually believe this ridiculous con artistry? You'd think at least the drug companies would be speaking out. But maybe they are doing even better; I know I'd be on a nerve-calming cocktail of valium, ativian and any horse tranqilizer I could get my hands on and if I had to deal with this shit on a daily basis.

Luckily, there is a physical charicteristic you can watch for: indigo children often have "large, penetrating blue eyes that are wise beyond their years. Their eyes lock on and hypnotize you, while you realize your soul is being laid bare for the child to see". OK, I'm officially nervous. Don't think a tin foil hat will help...these kids have managed to pull off a large-scale hoax on their parents, finally making them believe that their temper tantrums and general mayhem are indications of brilliance rather than just obnoxious. It's both admirable and horrifying. And even more incomprehensible than the colossal squid. An ocean creature the length of Manhattan Island I can believe. But indigo kids...now you're talking crazy.

I believe further research into this disturbing phenomenon is necessary, however I can't bring myself to do anymore right this moment. My stomach hurts from laughing and anyway I think we've had just about enough crazy for one day. OK, one more, but that's it, I swear.