Smell the Filth

Cradle of Filth is, right at this moment, in my fine city. You may remember their super-hunkalicious lead singer Dani Filth as #8 on my list of the ugliest rock stars, and you may also recall that I said this about him:

You wouldn't believe the sheer amount of ridiculous pictures that exist of this guy. In nearly every one, he's in full goth regalia, hissing at the camera, licking fake blood off of his fingers, et al allegedly scary posturing. But with his pudgy little face, ratted frizzy hair and yellow teeth he looks more like Augustus Gloop gone whips and chains.

Honestly it doesn't matter if you remember any of this, because I'm sure that the hot, sexxxy pic at left will be enough to refresh your memory. I can't believe he is in Columbus right now! While I could be out hanging around the stage door waiting for the man himself to emerge, post-show, mime face paint still crusting in the sweat rivulets drying on his chubby little cheeks, sending all the gothy maidens and their black lipstick into vampiric convulsions, I decided to instead pay tribute to this little, tiny man with a retrospective I like to call "The Many Faces Of Dani".

But first a few fun Dani facts:
• Dani's former bands include Carnival Fruitcake, the Lemon Grove Kids and Feast of Excrement!
• Dani owns three cats!
• Dani has a skeleton embedded in his kitchen and two sarcophogi in his home!
• Dani likes to collect spiders!
• Dani played "The Man," "a deranged psychopath hellbent on taking revenge on his father's persecutors" in the 2000 movie Cradle of Fear!
• Dani's favorite color is black!

As you can see, Dani Filth is a complicated man who likes dark and scary things. But he also sometimes wears his heart on his sleeve. While Dani's public image depicts a gleefully malevolent rock star extrodinaire, privately he's just a regular guy next door. With a ridiculous amount of fake blood poured over his head. Just take a look:

Playful Dani!
Whee! Don't worry, Dani's not all doom and gloom; this is a guy that likes to have fun! In this silly pic, Dani plays the part of the mischevious puck as he laps corn syrup off of his fingers. Normally, he dabs the stuff at the inside corners of his eyes so he appears to be crying blood on-stage, but this time one of his fun-loving bandmates unscrewed the top a bit—when Dani went to pour out a small amount, whoops! The always-impish Dani took the gag in stride and posed for this picture, showing what a good sport he can be. What a little rascal!

Enraged Dani!
Eek, when Dani gets pissed, hide the knives! He likes to put in his Lestat teeth and roar at the sky,unleashing all of his aggressions toward an uncaring, unjust world in a big, ferocious primal scream. What's he so angry about, I wonder? Maybe the dry cleaners were unable to remove the bloodstains from his favorite cloak. Maybe he found out alchemy isn't real. Or maybe he's just depressed.

Pensive Dani!
Just because Dani likes to wear mesh tops and lay around in a casket all day doesn't mean this guy doesn't think, as this picture can attest. Even though Dani is licking this cross in his usual unrestrained way, something else is obviously on his mind. His pose is saying, "I'm a demon fucker with a lust for virgin blood" but his expression is saying, "Do deeper principles underlie quantum uncertainty and nonlocality?" Granted, it could also be saying, "I wonder if my Hot Topic catalog came in the mail today?"...we can't be sure. But the point is this: Dani's creative mind is constantly spinning in the ether, and we simply don't know what will spring from its depths next.

Unrestrained Dani!
When the music starts up, get ready for Dani! He simply can't be stopped! The mere chainsaw strum of an Ibanez, chest-thumping rumble of a bass and the one-two punch in the throat from a double-kick drum sets Dani off into an unbridled frenzy that makes him want to stab himself in the gut with his mike, much like we see here. Blood drops on his head Flashdance-style, and Dani goes ape shit, ripping around the stage in a delirious state of hysteria, and inciting the crowd to wreck mayhem on everything in its path. Mayhem...did somebody say "mayhem"?? That's no coincidence!

Lovable Dani!
Who says the undead can't be huggable? Not me! Just look at that face; underneath all that pleather, pewter and runewear, Dani's just a straight-up sweetheart. Here, he's just come from a visit to the dentist and all he wants is a popsicle. Can't he have one, please? It would sure make his bleeding gums feel better...

Sexy Dani!
Ah, here is the Dani we know best: gamey and sensual with a heavy dose of naught! Could it get any better? He's donned a PVC belly shirt with mesh sleeves, unbuckled his black leather slacks to reveal chain-mail underpants and struck a sprawled, catlike pose that accentuates his paunchy, white fish belly. So hot! How can I resist? At this very moment I could dash down to the music hall, which would take all of 15 minutes, and get a glipse of Dani in the flesh, and scream for him to throw his metallic undies into the undulating crowd so that I can possibly catch them and have the greatest Cradle of Filth souvenir that ever was. Or I could just hang out here and watch "I Love New York" reruns...

Hm, I wonder which I will choose?


Anonymous said...

You are a riot!!! Thank You Thank You for making my boring 9-5 fly by. I am addicted to your blog. Completely hysterical. Thank You Again and keep writing!!!

Lola said...

This...is the most awesome rant EVER. Holy crap, I can't stop laughing-I'm horrified-yet strangely fascinated.
"Dani has three cats!" He's a cat lady! Sweet.