Good god, is it that time of year already? It feels like only yesterday that we were choosing our super-fucking-evil black metal names, troweling on the ghoul face paint and scaring those around us with talk of Borg Bokkøl wishes and blizzard beast dreams.
I heard some kind of rumor that there's something else going on today. Hm. Why in the world would two holidays be scheduled on the same day? Very strange. I've been seeing news articles and reports all over the place on how to be romantic and creative ways on proposing, etc. Who would want to do that in the midst of this ass-freezing, depressing, desolate atmosphere? OK, I'm in Ohio right now and I just got home from a 20-minute drive that took two hours. I could be in Florida or San Diego or someplace where it's not -10° with the wind chill. But still, February is such a strange time for niceties. That's why today, on Norwegian Black Metal Day, we're going to focus on our evil sides. That's right, bring out the icy-souled demon within and chill others to the bone with these five easy steps.
LOOK THE PART
Below you will find three lists; simply choose your outfit from list one, material from list two and accessory from list three and you're good to go. It's fun to mix n' match!
1.) tank top/pants; wenchwear; cape; crappy tee/black jeans; Seinfeldian puffy shirt
2.) mesh; velvet; leather (no pleather); chainmail; ripped spandex
3.) jewelry made out of a piece of someone's skull; studded gut-guard; gauntlets; spiked shinguards (of course!); morning star
Top it off with white face paint and your signature blackline makeup and you're ready for a full day of freaking people out!
ACT THE PART
You know the routine: don't smile, don't laugh, don't chit-chat, don't be afraid to piss on parades; DO be theatrical, do use tons of big words to confuse everyone, do be miserable, do make others miserable.
CHOOSE YOUR MINONS
This is the fun part. Who do you want to exercise control over the most? Murderous thugs? Goth street kids with nowhere else to turn? A bloodthirsty army of killbots? My personal favorite is the animal horde, because you definitely want to be a evil dictator of the "release the hounds" variety. Imagine using a simple dismissive gesture coupled with the legendary command "Disperse, my pretties!" and before you know it the sun will be blotted out by thousands of vampire bats, flying monkeys or winged gremlins. Another great idea is to summon the undead. Or gather up a gang of headless horsemen! So many fun possibilities! Can I have one of each?
START A CULT
You've already got the charismatic leader (you!)—now all you need to do is convince your minions to leave their loved ones and accept your evil word as one and only truth. Totalitarianism is awesome.
This is the most important of all the steps. If you don't believe in your evil self, how can you expect others to be satisfactorily creeped out? Repeat the following affirmations:
I strive to be as evil as I can be.
I commit to my path of evil.
I am in charge of my evil destiny.
I am a radiant being of evil.
Now go out there and get 'em, tiger!