S-SPUFF Newsletter, Vol. 2 Issue 1
Official announcement: The Save Sean Preston & Unborn Federfetus Foundation (S-SPUFF) has changed its name yet again. The new name of this non-profit volunteer organization is the Committee to Rescue Britney's Boys (CRABB). As you will soon see, the situation the Spears-Federline brothers are in has reached critical and we must put our words into action to ensure that little Sean Preston and Jayden James don't end up penned in the bathtub in the Hudson penthouse while Mom flails in the gutter covered in her own upchuck. Or at a Moonies meeting. In the past two weeks:
• Britney was spotted in NYC wearing what Maria might have fashioned out of curtains for the Von Trapp children had they been raised in a Surinami whorehouse and one of those necklaces made out of fake pearls shaped like a necktie. I'm not kidding. And it even gets better. Later in the evening, upon exiting her chauffered SUV, the paparazzi captured photos of the backseat most recently occupied by Miss Thang covered in neon green spew. But that's nothing compared to what happened earlier in the week, when she was photographed at a Fashion Week show wearing a dress WITH THE TAGS STILL ATTACHED!!! Jesus christ, that is just fucking disgusting. What a pig. How dare she disrespect the institution of fashion week by committing such a tawdry faux pas. Tacky, tacky, tacky. She can simply never show her face on 5th Ave. or in all of New York City ever again after this stunt.
• Britney's pornily-named former assistant Felicia Culotta contacted a celebrity news blog about her former employer's recent antics, and revealed, "I want you to know that WE (as in her family and nearest and dearest—ALL of whom are NOT on the payroll anymore!!) are doing EVERYTHING in our power to get help for Britney and all in our power to NOT pad the bottom or move the bottom, so when she does indeed hit rock bottom, she'll stand up and walk away from this whole fiasco a new, confident, changed, career driven Britney like we all knew and loved. There's just so much you can do to help a person—I don't dare want to be an enabler, and I cannot love her enough for the both of us. I cannot convince her in ANY way to love herself." Then she wraps up with this head-scratcher: "I'm so Southern, and the BEST way for me to tell you how I feel is to say—You can just kick an old Dog so many times before he gets off the porch. I, FELICIA, am OFF the porch!!" And if You don't like it, You can Lump it, Britney! FELICIA is OUT! She will Capitalize any Words she Wants to and will NOT Enable ANYONE! Sean and Jayden, can Lump it, Too, because even though Felicia has had enough, these two little hangers-on continue to make demands and try to tell Britney what to do. She doesn't like that, because Big Girls don't like being pushed around. They just don't get it! But it's not really their fault, because it's so totally a Southern thing.
• On Thursday, Britney checked into posh Bungalow Rehab 8 and promptly checked out when she found out it wasn't Ladies' Night. Dude, what the fuck? She was already signed up for the bar dancing competition and the fake orgasm contest and even wore her Suck for a Buck tee shirt. Fuckers.
• The latest and most disturbing development is that Britney seems to have been kidnapped by the Hare Krishna religious cult, has had her head shaved and is being forced to sell wilting carnations at LAX. They also forced her to get a bizarre tattoo of lips on the back of her neck. Speculation asserts that this signifies "talking out of the both sides of your mouth"—in other words, the wearer of the tattoo may tell everybody that she, for example, is a kickass parent in between lines that are being snorted off of a stripper's ass. Highly, highly controversial, not to mention distressing.
CRABB is now endorsing a course of action that we never thought we would even consider: full custody to Howard K. Stern. It's the only way at this point. Or just turn them over to Federline. At least he kind of has a career. But as long as Felicia is off the porch, we're not sure who is watching the little ones over there and are extremely concerned.
Thanks again for your continued support and we hope for some better news in our next edition!