The good, the bad and the fugly

The Stupid & Contagious Halloween coverage continues with possibly the scariest post ever! Today, we're talking about the ugliest men in rock. For the record I left Pete Doherty off the list because I don't think he exactly counts as a rocker these days since his priorities lie in transmitting germs to Kate Moss and passing out in poppy fields. Instead, room was reserved for people who are actively (and in some cases sadly) still working.

10. Keith Richards, The Rolling Stones
Don't get me wrong, Keith is the king of cool...and he should count his lucky stars that he's a guitar god, because he looks like an extra in "Night of the Living Dead." While the rumors of a blood replacement are unfounded, I wouldn't be surprised if Keith lived forever due to the vast amounts of formaldahyde coursing through his veins.

9. Justin Hawkins, The Darkness
The world does not need another Peter Frampton. And the world certainly does not need a Peter Frampton (with a touch of Michael Bolton) look-alike who regularly wears neon green, tiger-striped unitards cut down to the crotch. On top of looking like ass, he's also a moron; Justin recently left the Darkness because of a nasty cocaine habit (Gee, really? I thought he was born with that pale, shriveled physique...), and will no doubt attempt some kind of post-rehab comeback album and blame his record company for lack of marketing when it tops the charts at #52, sliding to #89 in week two, and then appearing on the Super Saver shelf for $5.99. Also of note: Justin is only 31, and based on this pic, it's only going to get worse.

8. Dani Filth, Cradle of Filth
You wouldn't believe the sheer amount of ridiculous pictures that exist of this guy. In nearly every one, he's in full goth regalia, hissing at the camera, licking fake blood off of his fingers, et al allegedly scary posturing. But with his pudgy little face, ratted frizzy hair and yellow teeth he looks more like Augustus Gloop gone whips and chains. Also, he's only 5'5", which may lend a little explaination to his whole preposterous schtick. I'm also kind of fascinated by how his mouth and chin area looks like that of a ventrioquist's dummy. Was that on purpose? I just don't get it.

7. Scott Stapp, Creed
Because being a great big self-involved douche who has done more to ruin rock music than even number one on this list is very unattractive. In fact, I think the word "douche" was invented just for him—it's so fitting. And THAT HAIR! Ug! The onion ring basket at Burger King is less greasy.

6. The Gallagher brothers, Oasis
With their bowling-ball heads, grouchy expressions, and matching monobrows that even Bert from Sesame Street would find offensive, these mumbling, constantly-at-war siblings can give Pete Doherty and Chris Martin a run for their money as the most inexplicable Brit sex symbols.

5. Ace Frehley, KISS
It's quite a feat to be regarded as the ugliest member of KISS, and also to have the worst stage costume in the whole band. It was a tough call between Ace and Vinnie Vincent, but Ace takes it because of his mashed potato-like complexion which you can still see even when he is in full makeup. These guys had the right idea with the whole hidden faces thing; too bad it didn't last.

4. Lemmy Kilmister, Motorhead
Another of the classic ugly metal dudes. Lemmy looks like a hard-drinkin' redneck under house arrest in a rusted trailor with chickens and babies wearing only diapers running around in the front yard. And despite having Manson-esque bug eyes, unkempt "Deadwood"-style muttonchops and those enormous boils on his face, Lemmy allegedly gets more ass than the entire band of Motley Crue combined.

3. Mick Mars, Motley Crue
Poor Mick. I feel kind of bad making fun of him because he's got some kind of degenerating disease, but that is one unfortunate-looking man. The worst was when he grew out some kind of fu manchu-style mustache and then shaved off the portion under his nose. The resulting look is hard to describe—it was like a hybrid of a lobster (or some other crustacean with antennae-like eyes), a lemur and Emperor Ming from "Flash Gordon". On top of it all, the poor guy had to stand next to the other three guys, especially the babealicious Nikki, which only served to make him look like he was really their sleazy manager and not actually part of the band.

2. Shane McGowan, The Pogues
This photo makes me want to vomit. You can practically smell him through the computer screen. What you can't see in this pic is that his fingertips and nails are a putrid yellowish-brown from nicotine stains. I'm sure the floor below him is also coated in vomit, just because it seems like it would be. Good lord, I can't even look!

1. Chad Kroeger, Nickelback
Someone online said this about Chad: "My five-year-old cousin saw him on TV one day and started screaming." Bingo. But at the same time you can't stop staring at him because his head is fucking huge. Have you ever seen a larger, more grotesquely misshapen noggin before in your life? It's like one of the Easter Island heads. And like Scott Stapp, his douchebaggery makes this mess even worse. Like if he wrote the next "Sgt. Pepper's" it might not be so bad. But instead he's he lyrical mastermind behind "Feelin' Way Too Damn Good". Bad music, bad lyrics and a chillingly bad face are inexcuseable in my book, and thus Chad has the distinct honor of being number one.


Lola said...

Dude...I HATE Chad Kroeger! All those mugs on there were ghastly, although I sorta feel bad for Mick Mars because he's sick and probably got his disease by standing near Tommy Lee's toxic wang. They so wish they had Eric Avery yummy going on.

Anonymous said...

Except I love the Nickelback song that goes: "I like the powder on your nose..." I love that song. If liking that song is wrong, then I don't want to be right.

--Antonio Pittman