Mama, we're all crazy now

First order of business: the new changes at Stupid & Contagious. Against my better judgement, I've started a new blog. RockitQueen GOLD is allegedly going to be a weekly list of music on my radar. Why? Because the world is dying to know! And I'd like to try to spread the word about some bands I like, since I hate pretty much everything on the radio. Let me know what you think, good and bad. If anyone cares at all, it will totally make my day. I've updated my links list to include this fabulous new way for me to waste some more time.

Speaking of the links list, you may notice another change has taken place in that area of the blog. I have removed the link to Pink is the New Blog, and not because I don't like the site. In fact, I love it! But lately the webmaster Trent has been saying too many nice things about Britney, and it's irritating. So this my way of sending a message that I don't like it...take that, Trent!

With that out of the way, let's get down to today's hot button topic: "House of Carters", aka the new best show on TV. If you haven't seen this sparkling gem, here's the gist: Backstreet Boy Nick Carter moves his 18-year-old pop tart brother and three sisters into his house in an attempt to salvage what's left of their dysfunctional family. In this nutshell, it sounds simple enough. But if you've ever wondered what it looks like from the inside when white trash wins the lottery, this mess puts you smack dab in the middle of the double wide.

Let's meet the Carter kiddies, shall we?

• Nick—dated Paris Hilton, yet still seems to be the most rational, pulled-together sibling.

• Bobbie Jean (BJ)—wants to be a chef; lights cig off of gas burner and smokes while cooking; probably drinks the cooking sherry and sundry other marinades; drinks ALOT.

• Leslie—thinks she's going to be a singer; had a single called "Like Wow!" on the Shrek soundtrack; first album scrapped because her label didn't think she could compete with Britney and J-Simp.

• Aaron—"pop star" and the guy that Lohan and Caps Duff supposedly got in a big fight over; legally emancipated from his mom, after alleging that she had bilked more than $100K of his earnings; recently broke off a one-day engagement to Playmate, saying "I got caught up in the moment and proposed. I then realized it was a hasty thing to do, and I am not ready for marriage quite yet".

• Angel—Aaron's twin; thinks she's going to be a model (let's ask Tyra about that); currently in an all female trio called TKO (Total Knock Outs).

You can probably guess what the big issue is here: Nick has a bunch of money, and all the others want it. In the first ep, Crazy Mom Carter calls Nick whining that she's siiiiick and in the hospiiiiital and neeeeeeds moneeeeeeey. Nick wants proof that she is really sick because she's cried wolf before, prompting his loving siblings to immediately jump down his throat and call him selfish and stingy. "I love her more than anyone in this house does!" one screams. "He has millions of dollars and he can't help her out?" another shrills. "My heart is beating out of my chest, that's how big my heart is!" shrieks Aaron (but that might be another problem, as we'll discuss later). Nick gives in to all the bitching and sends CMC money and soon gets the not-at-all-surprising news that she was spotted at a bar sporting brand new extensions and buying rounds. Klassy! Lather, rinse, repeat.

If that's not enough, Nick also has to deal with the hellishly unattractive Aaron, who seems to be a bit of a tweaker. I'm not starting any rumors or anything, but if he's not doping, he is one WEIRD dude. First of all, he weighs about 15 pounds and has scabs on his face the size of pepperchinis. Second, he "likes to work at night." Third, he dances like a crackhead. And finally, he actually said this: "I've got people who need music and I've got money to make. It's grind time for AC." If those are not the words of a dope fiend, well then, we have bigger problems than we think.

The highlight of the first episode features a smackdown between Nick and Aaron where Nick screams at the top of his Backstreet lungs that Aaron took Paris out after he dumped her, took a pic of her with his camera phone and left it in Nick's car. After the fight they all ask for Xanex.

I never in my life thought I would ever say anything remotely resembling something like this, but here goes: I feel sorry for Nick Carter. He's desperately trying to help these yahoos and get them to act like a family, and they are all for it if it gives them a shot at tapping into Nick's fortune. This season, the girls threaten to cut each other, Nick says, "I'm not your dad, I'm your brother—respect me as your brother!" about 863 times, and Aaron goes to the ER. Yee-haw, can't wait!