I'm still delirious over the fantabulous Eric Avery news that has transpired over the last week, and I am completely unforgiving to anyone or anything that tries to rain on my happy little parade.
Offender numero uno: the remake of The Omen. I know I said I was going to avoid this movie like the plague, but with Halloween coming up and all, I broke down and thought, "Eh, it's probably better than 'I'll Always Know What You Did Last Summer'." But as it turns out, I was right all along and should have heeded my own advice. To quote directly from my own post:
"Don't go see it; I saw the preview and it looks really bad. They got some ugly overacting brat with a bowl haircut to play Damien. There's no way this unattractive moppet can deliver as creepy a performance as little Harvey Stephens in the original 30 years ago."
In what should not come as a surprise to anyone, herein lies the backbone of the problem of this movie, however the issue is not overacting. Seamus Davey-Fitzpatrick, best known for his scene-stealing turn as "Boy in Restaurant" on the "A Women's Right to Shoes" ep of "Sex and the City" is quite possibly the most lifeless, uncharismatic child actor I've ever seen. His menacing "Damien look" just makes him look like a kid that was just told he's not leaving the table until he finishes those lima beans, mister. His pulseless, droid-like line delivery was excruciating, even though he only had about five lines in the whole movie. And whoever gave him that haircut should be slapped. Raise your hand if your childhood was ruined by a bad bowl cut that mom gave you over the sink.
Even though the movie was done pretty much scene-for-scene like the original, the scare factor was less than zero. Even the dog-in-the-mom's-grave scene (my number nine scariest movie scene ever) was ridiculously unscary. The priest impalement scene was actually laughable. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore and opted to watch "Flavor of Love" reruns for hours instead.
One thing I did enjoy was the inspired choice of Mia Farrow as nanny/satan's cheerleader Mrs. Baylock, even though she now looks like the mom from "The Wilderness Family" (does anyone else remember that movie?)—that's her in the picture above creepily feeding strawberries to Bowl Cut. She actually gave off the only creeptastic vibe of the whole movie. But the amended scene where she kills Mrs. Thorn was a horrible addition—not seeing exactly what happened, just her flying out the window, made this scene far more terrifying in the original.
I don't know what I expected. Another "Hostel"? Yeah, right! I'd like to see a more fucked-up movie than that. Or not. BTW, I was pleased to see that Bravo chose the same scene that chilled my bones in "Hostel" as their number one scary movie moment of the year. I was right, I was right! I'm so awesome, it's not even funny. And from what I've read, another "Hostel" movie is in the works, this time with girls, including Bijou Phillips and Heather "Weiner Dog" Matarazzo. Good god, I don't know if I can take it.