SPECIAL MINI-REPORT: Ken & Barbie Killers or Spencer & Heidi?

Had I gotten my act together and posted the 2008 Stupies by now, Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag would be this year's recipients of the Why Is This Person Famous? Award. Not only are they talentless douchebags that may actually do less than Paris Hilton, I somehow know all about them even though I'm still not exactly quite sure who they are and have never watched an episode of The Hills before. These two love a photo op like Buffalo Bill loves lotion.

Besides the fact that they're fucking everywhere and really annoying assholes, I've also found these two kind of creepy. I couldn't put my finger on it until now: Spencer and Heidi remind me of the Ken and Barbie Killers.

For those of you who aren't disturbingly well-versed on fucked-up serial murderers, Paul Bernardo and Karla Homolka were a Canadian couple who kidnapped, raped and killed three teenage girls, including Karla's own sister, in the early 90s. Because of their shiny, happy, bleached appearances, they were nicknamed the Ken and Barbie Killers by the media.

I think you'll find the similarities are staggering.

1. Stand by your man.
Here we have two girls with crippling insecurity and the guys that hate them. Karla stole tranqs from the vet's office she worked at and used it to knock out girls for Paul. Spencer hit on other chicks in front of Heidi and encouraged her to get huge fake boobs and a nose job; he's now her svengali-like "manager."

2. Dubious employment
All of Paul's friends and family knew him as a successful accountant. In reality, he was making a living hustling ciggies over the Canadian border. Spencer's MySpace lists his occupation as "Executive Producer, Writer, Manager." Which translates to: Unemployed/Living Off Anyone Who Is Stupid Enough To Pay Him For Club Appearances."

3. Frightening videos
During their trial, the jury saw nightmare-inducing videos Paul and Karla shot of their crimes. Anyone who has seen Heidi's "music video"—hand-shot by Spence himself—also had nightmares of a completely different, pink-bikinied, beach-humping variety.

4. They're all blonde.

5. They're all republicans.
Heidi has announced to the press that she's voting for John McCain because "I'm a republican" and "he has a lot of experience." Of course, as of yet, Miss Vote or Die is not registered to cast her ballot. I'll be honest: I haven't found hard evidence of Paul and Karla's political affiliations, but I'm going to go ahead and make the conjecture that they're conservative anyway. Because all the people that come out as hardcore freaks usually scream family values from the hilltops.

Next time: Is Lohan the new Aileen Wurnos?


Hollywood shitavalanche!

I can't stand Mike Myers. He's not funny and I heard that he's also a dick.

Every time I see ads for his new movie The Love Guru I want to drive sharp sticks under my nails just for a little enjoyment and comic relief. As if this movie wasn't ridiculous enough already, Jessica Alba plays the owner of a hockey team. If there's anything worse than precious resource-wasting bad comedies, it's movies with stupid skanks cast as thinkers. Sort of like when Tara Reid played a street-smart anthropologist and when Denise Richards was cast as a brilliant nuclear physicist in that James Bond movie.

Anyway, The Love Guru is just one in a long line of offensively unfunny-looking comedies that are currently (or about to be) crapping all over the big screen. You Don't Mess With the Zohan is the latest Adam Sandler vehicle. He's another one that I don't get. The man is not funny by any stretch of the imagination. This latest abomination has him doing a stereotypical impression of an Israeli who fakes his own death to follow his dream of being a hairstylist in New York. Wow, that sounds fucking HILARIOUS! How far into it before they make a hairy crotch joke?

Here's another one for you. Read this synopsis and just guess who the star is: "A crew of miniature aliens operate a spaceship that has a human form. While trying to save their planet, the aliens encounter a new problem, as their ship becomes smitten with an Earth woman." Surprise! Eddie Murphy is playing the "spaceship"! And he's also playing the alien pilot! And about 50 other roles in the movie! One of which I'm sure is a fat black woman in a bikini! And another of which is a fat kid who farts a lot! Get in line now for your tickets to the cleverly-titled Meet Dave because it's going to be a cult hit! And maybe it will even win an Oscar like Norbit did!

Also coming out soon is the movie version of He's Just Not That Into You, starring Tinseltown's favorite sad sack Jennifer Aniston. Now there's a casting director with a sense of humor. This is a movie that's based on a self-help book. Oh my god, it's going to be excruciating! I predict the "plot" will revolve around a group of friends who meet up regularly in a hipster-filled coffee shop/mojito bar to lament their latest hilariously lousy dates and good-naturedly grouse about their hopeless love lives. Yippee, another one! I'd almost rather watch Meet Dave. Almost.

So anyway, the point is that we can pretty much count on no haw-haws this summer. No laffs for you! Just comic book movies.

Here's what Hollywood needs: a new rating system that labels comedies by how fucking stupid they are. The Lowest Common Denominator Rating, as it were. Here are some suggestions to get the ball rolling:

F(D)S: Fat (Drag) Suits

DCCC: Descecration of a Cherished Childhood Character, i.e. Doctor Doolittle, the Cat in the Hat, Garfield

F125: lead character will essentially Fart for 125 minutes straight

DB: Dating Bitchfest

EES: Eisenhower-Era Stereotypes, i.e. mincing gays, loud black women, boob-grabbing Down's kids

Any other ideas, you mad genii?

That all said, I completely loved Semi Pro. And I think I might be the only person in the world that thinks Dead Man on Campus starring Mark-Paul Gosselaar is fucking hilarious. Yeah, I'm all about dopey comedies, especially if they involve mascot abuse and Will Farrell in his manties. I just hate Mike Myers, Sandler, Eddie Murphy and Aniston.


13 scariest celeb stage parents

I've been gone for a minute, but now I'm back with the jump-off. Seriously, work's been crazed and I got out of town for a bit, but now I'm back and ready to bitch! Did you miss me? I totally missed you!

So for my first topic in a while...it seems Hollywood parents have been in the news lately, what with the new Bonnaduce show and all the hubbub about Living Lohan. Plus, it's seedy and sleazy and everyone likes to make fun of them. So I thought I'd do a little research into this crazy world and choose the craziest ones I could find. Since it's been a while, let's get to it!

13. Leslie Panettiere
I hate this bitch and I don't really know why. OK, I DO know why. She's sort of like a Dina Lohan—totally glomming on to her marginally-talented daughter Hayden's success and getting plastic surgery, hamming it up in huggy pics with her daughter, posing on the red carpet and obviously wishing some casting agent would say, "You know, Hayden's good, but what we really want is YOU!"

12. Teri Shields
Teri shoved daugher Brooke in front of the camera before she was even one. By the time she was 13, Brooke was doing her first nude scene with Mom's approval. "I knew it would be tasteful," says Teri. "Anybody who calls it child pornography has not seen the damn thing. I don't mind Brooke being called a sex symbol. But nymphet and Lolita rub me the wrong way." Although still close with Brooke, Teri drinks like a fish and is known in Hollywood as a ball-breaking meddler.

11. Duncan Nutter
Never did anyone live up to their name as well as Nutter. He's a man on a mission like you've never seen before. And his mission is break himself, his wife and all seven of his kids into showbiz, no matter how much they resist. Nutter's obsession drove him to pack the family up from a comfortable five-bedroom home and cram them into a two-bedroom NYC apartment and then force them to go to auditions, all of which was documented on the Bravo classic Showbiz Moms & Dads. His children seemed to regard him with a sort of amused indifference and completely ignored the fact that's he's obviously gay. It all made him the most memorable stage parent kook on a show full of really memorable stage parent kooks.

10. Wanda Holloway
Wanda would be higher, but no one actually died. Yep, she's the infamous Texas cheerleader murdering mom, known for taking out a hit on the mother of her daughter's cheerleading rival in the early '90s. Wanda served six months in prison and is presumably still fulfilling her 1,000 hours of community service. Two movies were made about the brouhaha (and frankly, I always liked Leslie Ann Warren's Wanda better than Holly Hunter's). Oh, and even after all that, her daughter still didn't make the squad. Way to go, idiot! After everything I did for you!

9. Lynne Spears
Remember when Lynne and Britney used to be best friends and they would go tanning together and Britney would buy Lynne a new Mercedes every Mother's Day and they would co-authored that horrible novel about how a mother's love can help naive little kuntry girls with big dreams make it in the backstabbing flesh factory that is Hollywood? And remember when Lynne got a book deal to share parenting tips right around the time her 16-year-old daughter got knocked up and her other daughter was admitted to the psych ward for holding her two toddlers hostage? That was awesome.

8. Jeff Archuleta
I don't watch American Idol and I don't know anything about this guy, but as I was doing a little research for this post, his name kept popping up. Apparently, he was banned from the backstage area on Idol and when his son David appeared on Star Search, Naomi Judd called him the worst stage dad she'd ever seen. So you know...that's pretty bad.

7. Robin Browne
Living Dolls is the best child pageant queen documentary ever and it's all because of Swan Brooner. Swan, a five-year-old mini-pageanteer, displays the heroism of a war hero for not ripping the face off of her harpy drill sergeant mom-coach. Robin smokes intensely and screams at little Swan for turning too fast on the runway. She sprays Swan with cans and cans of Aqua Net and screams at her when she winces. She trowels enough makeup to supply an army of drag queens on Swan's face and screams at her if she messes it up. She spends thousands of dollars on mini Cache outfits to costume Swan in and screams at her when she doesn't smile appropriately. (I know that Robin died a few years ago, and it's unclear if Swan, who is probably about 13 now, continues to do pageants. My guess is that she's planning to join the Army for a break.)

6. Dina Lohan
Poor Dina...the press just won't leave her and her nice little family alone. They keep following them around and spreading lies and accusing her daughter of being a lesbo and making Dina look like a party animal stage mom who pimps out her kids for profit and takes them out to parties and snorts coke off toilet seats, allowed Linds to star in I Know Who Killed Me, etc. So what would any good parent do to help shield their children from teh interrogation-room lights of the cameras and stop the papers from cruelly judging and telling lies about their lives? Star in an E! Television reality show, that's what! Come on, Dina had no other choice! Oh, and she also refers to herself as the White Oprah, whatever the fuck that means...

5. Michael Lohan
The only thing worse than a drug-addicted, ex-con media whore stage parent is a drug-addicted, ex-con media whore stage parent who's found god. Mike won't pass up a chance to flap his gums about Lindsay and Dina's antics and who they're going to have to answer to when their livers finally give out. He even calls up Perez Hilton to offer "exclusives" on how many martinis Linds had at lunch or how horrible Dina is for exploiting their kids. I'd almost feel sorry for the Lohan kids if they weren't such a bunch of annoying sub-talented debu-brats.

4. Joe Simpson
Is there an FBI task force watching this guy? Because I'm sure a quick dig in his backyard will uncover a pit filled with the bodies of girls who mysteriously went missing after going to an "audition." He infamously made leering jokes about his own daughter's double-D boobies and talked endlessly about her promise to remain committed to Daddy and not let anyone touch her vagina until she got married. Then his other daughter got knocked up pre-nuptials by a girl-man.

3. Jaid Barrymore
It's easy to forget that the goofball flower child Drew Barrymore of today was an alcoholic and pothead at 10 and a champion eight-baller by 13. That was in no small part thanks to her mom Jaid who regularly took her young daughter out partying in the seedy underbelly of New York and LA (they were regulars at Studio 54) and exposed her to the likes of Paul Stanley and Halston. Now estranged from her mother, Drew once posed for Playboy several months before Mommy followed suit.

2. Kit Culkin
A former stage actor, Kit infamously projected his failed dreams onto his kids and ruined everyone's lives in the process. He demanded and threatened, overworked and mentally abused his little cash cow Macaulay and alienated pretty much all of Hollywood. Mac eventually took Dad to court to get control of his millions, then got married and divorced and now continues to act (well and in good movies like Saved and Party Monster) and dates That '70s Show cutie Mila Kunis. Still doesn't excuse the fact that his father allowed him to spend the night with Michael Jackson. Which brings us to...

1. Joe Jackson
We only need to look to the one and only Wacko Jacko to see the damage a stage parent can do. Just watch The Jacksons: An American Dream to get the scoop on Joe. It sometimes airs on VH1 and stars Freddie "Boom Boom" Washington as Joe. Anyway, Joe worked The Jackson Five to death, mentally, physically and sexually (according to LaToya during her really crazy years) abused them, fucked all kinds of groupies basically in front of his wife, and drove Michael to get all that freakshow plastic surgery (at least according to Michael in that infamous Martin Bashir documentary). But according to Jacko, his dad has "really mellowed out a lot."

Well, this post just went from pathetic to depressing. Aren't you glad I'm back?


Don't you forget about me

Sorry I've been remiss on blog posts...I'm up to my neck in various bullshit. Don't worry, there's plenty of delicious rants pent up inside me so expect a projectile upchuck of bitchiness soon.

I say this like anyone even noticed I haven't posted in a month...