RoL2.7: I hate you, snow

Remind me why I live in Cowtown again? Oh right, so I get snowed in and have nothing better to do than write about RoL. Which I'd probably be doing anyway.

So let's get to it. Once again, it's morning at the Whore House and Bret refers to the "innocence of morning," including the sweet sounds of belching frogs. And speaking of belching frogs, here comes the Hulk! Oh wait, it's just Inna. Sorry.

Inna the Tank is bummed out because she thinks she and Bret are losing their "connection" and all I have to say is that I can't believe Bret didn't vote her off when she sat on his lap and said, "My father wasn't around and I just want someone to love me" on the first episode. Wow, that's so hot.

The hoes are asked to gather in the living room to learn about the day's challenge and Bret is waiting for them along with two silver foxes wearing leotards. We learn that the oldsters are Shirley Claire and Joan Arlene, two USO performers for the last 50 years. The girls find out that they are going to develop variety show acts and perform in front of a group of veterans. How cute! Ambre makes a stunning blow job face to signify her surprise. She kind of reminds me of Andre from Project Runway 2...remember how he always made this "Oh my god, shut! UP!" face whenever they found out what they would be doing?

Megan and Jessica Simpson decide that they are going to recite the preamble to the Constitution...while hula hooping. You'd think that was "challenging" enough, until you see Megan trying to read. She's like a plant. She actually says she doesn't understand the preamble and adds, "I was learning new words!" Like and and the! I hope she also learned that the Constitution grants her the freedom to be a skank. If we didn't have the Constitution, Megan wouldn't exist.

Tank and Destiney decide they are going to dance and Tank has made the unfortunate choice of wearing a mesh crop top that accentuates her flabby gut. They are also completely pitiful and barely able to do simple dance steps. How can they be expected to dance where there is no pole involved? Anyway, during rehearsals they still can't get it and Tank starts telling off Joan. What?? Telling off a silver fox is a pretty low blow, Tank. But then again, Tank doesn't know what love is and she's just putting up walls, I'm sure.

Alexis Arquette says she'll jump through fire if she has to, but she settles for singing "The Star Spangled Banner," and Kristy Joe and Ambre decide to do a tap routine.

The gang gathers at a vets hall set and the show begins. Ambre and and Kristy Joe go first and Ambre is cute as can be with her little tap routine, but Kristy Joe looks like Michigan J. Frog with legs flailing and akimbo arms thrashing and Bret describes her as a monkey on crack. Boring.

Next, Megan and J-Simp come out, strip off their nurse uniform and start hula hooping. The camera cuts to some of the vets in the audience and they look like they are either confused or drooling and then Bret makes a crack about "the general salutes you." Again boring.

Now we have Destiney and Tank dancing and as expected they are horrible and they seem to know it because suddenly they start stripping and showing their fat thong-clad asses to the crowd. Joan just about dies on the spot and I'm with her because I can't think of two chicks these guys would rather see nude less. Bret comments that these vets have seen some pretty horrific things, but nothing quite as horrific as this. Which is probably the most insightful thing Bret has said all season.

Finally, Alexis Arquette comes out wearing a sailor suit for some reason and starts sexily crooning our national anthem. Some of the vets don't even stand up right away because they aren't sure what they are hearing and because Alexis looks like she's about to fellate the microphone. J-Simp says that not only is she tone deaf, but she doesn't know the words even though she's holding a sheet with the words on it. By the way, I read this week that she's the niece of Oscar de la Hoya, which is kinda weird...did you guys know this?

So, anyway, the madness is mercifully over and based on applause from the vets, the hula hoopers win the competition and a super-sexxxy Bret Date.

Upon returning to Casa de Puta, Bret "whips up" a dinner for everyone with plenty of vino and prompts the girls to say catty things about each other and pontificate on who is there for the "wrong reasons." At first, the skanks are unwilling to rat on everyone, but then Ambre calls out Kristy Joe as someone who "puts on a facade" and how she "talks about exes with passion." Suddenly, Destiney jumps in and starts throwing a tantrum that even Britney's kids would find impressive about how KJ "doesn't have to explain herself to anybody." Frankly, it makes no sense. KJ jumps up and the two practically start pissing on the table. Instead of finding it a hot turn-on, Bret acts like he thinks it's an ugly scene and leaves the table.

But of course, later Bret goes to find KJ to see if she's "OK" (translation: Bret has a hard-on) and finds her packing her bags. Bret gives her a hug and her head is right in his crotch. He comments that he doesn't know KJ at all...what?? Didn't she spend the night in his room on the last ep? Well, I guess that means they didn't necessarily talk, so what do I know?

The next day, Megan and J-Simp get all skanked up for their date with Bret and he takes them to Ed Hardy to buy overpriced tees and trucker hats and have some pierced dude do a "couture custom cutting" on the shirts for them. Megan interviews that J-Simp is overwhelmed and excited and calls her pathetic. I guess being excited about shopping isn't nearly as pathetic as being unable to memorize one sentence for a hula hooping act. At lunch (which wasn't set up in the store!) Bret again encourages the girls to slag on each other and it's revealed that Tank threw her weight around (hee hee!) with Golden Girl Joan. Bret is pissed about that and I think we can see where elimination is going tonight.

And thank god it's time for elimination. Bret is wearing that godforsaken "American Outlaw" airbrushed cowboy hat again from last season. He starts handing out passes and votes off...The Rock? Hey, when did he show up?? Oh wait, that's just Inna. Sorry. Bye, Inna.

So KJ stays around for another week and at this point it's obvious that Bret has a major bonor for her. Destiney says, "I wish that skank would leave." (Translation: I wish that skank would play doctor with me.)

Next week: the girls become oiled-up video hoes, and Amber starts cockfighting Destiney for KJ.


Motel hell

A few years ago I went to Miami with a couple friends and we reserved a room in one of those art deco-style hotels that are all over the place there that was a block from the beach. If the lobby of this place was the mouth to hell, our room was literally Beelzebub's anus. All the mirrors were broken, the floor was layered with dust, dirt and suspicious-looking hairs, the mattresses were wrapped in plastic and oozing what looked liked creamed piss. Not only that, but there was music blasting, people screaming and fighting and shady activity in the hallway and in the alley outside our window. It was like being at Lohan's house.

After a battle royale with the Nurse Ratchet-esque desk clerk, we got our money back and, thankfully, got upgraded to a sweet resort hotel with a private beach for our troubles. (In case you're wondering, the hellhole in question is the Parisian/Geneva Hotel—the Geneva is literally the back of a Thrifty Car Rental place. Seriously.)

The moral of this story is: never book on hotels.com. And always check TripAdvisor.com before you go.

I was reminded of this sordid experience when an esteemed colleague sent me a link to TripAdvisor.com's 2008 10 Dirtiest Hotels List. Frankly, I was a little surprised that the Parisian/Geneva didn't make the cut, but from the looks of this year's "winners" there are some places out there that are just as bad, if not worse. I mean, at least we didn't actually see cockroaches, although I'm sure they were lying in wait for the right moment to descend and kill. And lucky for us we didn't actually sleep in the beds, which were probably swimming with bedbugs, crabs, nits and probably worse.

While you're pretty much guaranteed to gag at some point while reading some of these reviews, they are also wildly entertaining at the same time. Some of the horrific experiences are beyond crazy, and some of the descriptions are hilarious. The best part is that this gives the poor travelers an outlet to not only warn others about the unsanitary shitholes some hoteliers are "running", but it also gives them a chance to collectively humilate the proprieters in public.

So if you've ever had a Parisian/Geneva experience, don't just share that sordid tale with your friends. Write a review on TripAdvisor so no one else has to bathe in rat turds and roach juice. For your enjoyment (and revulsion) here are some of the choicier comments and stories from this year's "winners."

A transfer to Guantanamo Bay would have been preferable to a stay in this hell hole. Liked—The view in the rear view mirror as we left.

I wished for the first time in my life that I had a handgun license, as the first thought that struck me as I entered the creaky gates of Hades (from here on out to be referred to as Room 34) was 'Oh good God, how do I survive the night?!' This place is an absolute disgrace, a miserable den for who knows what illicit activity.

Upon arrival at the hotel there was a CSI team in front of the hotel investigating a triple shooting at the hotel the night before.

The woman who checked out in front of us was lucky enough to have used hypodermic needles in her room as a bonus.
(Note: this one's from Lancaster, PA, aka Amish country, and don't get me started on the Amish...)

If you have a choice between the Bates Motel and the Eden Roc, choose the Bates. At least Norman was pleasant and gave you a nice sandwich with a glass of milk before you realized what a terrible mistake you've made. Mother.

I started to check in when I noticed what looked like a pimp and two whores. If you and your frat boys are looking for a place to have a kegger and trash with no remorse then this is it. You don't have to worry about damaging much here. Don't bring your wife or girlfriend here for a romantic getaway unless you are trying to get rid of her.

I got LICE staying at this location. I couldn't believe it! I'm 32 years old! with Lice Bugs!

We chose the facility because of location, price and shuttle service. We didn't realize it was the "Hotel California" or the next thing to hell.

He fumbled with the key and the door, but nothing happened. Guess what he did to get in the door? He got down on his back and kicked the entire AC unit inside the room. YES KICKED IT IN!!!!! He then crawled through the hole to unlock the door. My three year old son thought it was the coolest way to enter a room, he wanted to try it too.

The air conditioner sounds like a Boeing 727 coming at you all night long.

Disliked—The Hungarian beast-woman in the resteraunt

The location suckered us in but it's not worth the whole family going home infected with scabies.

The room was haunted. The first night the lights were flickering on and off and the shower was turned on when I got there. The TV was the same as the TV in poltergeist. Other then that, I loved the location —originally an old indian burial ground. But is close to Times Square.

The whole place smelled like a dollar hooker parlor. I wouldn't let Satan stay here. Actually he probably owns the place.

When we got into the room, the smell was awful, a cross between smoke from cigarettes and drugs, foul sex and vomit. There were syringes in the trash can, and someone had taken a dump and the toilet was not flushed. My wife complained, but came back with what I knew would be no help. Apparently when she commented on the dump in the toilet she was told that it was "complementary Steam Boat Dumplings on the house!" Not only did it not make much sense, it was gross and the people at the front desk laguhed at it.

We awoke in the middle of the night to find a possum in the room! It scared us half to death.

The overall vibe of the place edgy and threatening. I should have left when I was asked to sign the waiver for theft or 'any personal injury' on the premises. Half a star to the cheery shuttle driver who brought me from the airport, singing Temptations songs all the way—deducted for not warning me what I was getting into.


RoL2.6: Pigs and pokes

Fuck the Oscars...I have nothing to say about that boring shit (except that John Travolta needs to be put to sleep immediately). I may have even fallen asleep, but I don't remember it was just one big blur of blather.

So on with my usual 'round the clock Rock of Love coverage.

When we left off last week, Bret kept all the skanks around for another week to give them all a chance to prove themselves to him again and win Bret Dates. Bret wakes all the girls up the next morning and informs them that he "needs a girl who can ride in the wild." If that's what he wants, he should take a look at Kristy Joe without makeup on. Girlfriend looks like she just stumbled off a rough week of moneymakin' in Bangkok.

It turns out the wild that Bret's talking about is actually the burbs and the gang is limoed out to a farm. Bret greets them then announces a special guest as "a woman of stature and insanity." It's none other than Rodeo! She charges up on a horse cackling manically the whole way. Oh, how I missed Rodeo! The new crop of skanks have nothing on Rodeo and crew.

Anyway, Rodeo announces that the gals will be participating in a "rodeo relay" and her explanation of the game is really confusing but it has something to do with riding horses, roping a bale of hay and grabbing bandannas off of greased pigs. Catherine, who looks cute as pie in her pigtails and cowgirl boots, is stoked because she's an experienced rider who has barrel raced her whole life. Finally, Catherine thinks she's finally going to get a date with Bret (foreshadowing!).

Catherine lucks out because Hulk Hogan shows up and she chooses him to be on her team! Oh wait, that's just Inna. Sorry. Bitchy Megan is chosen last and chalks it up to the girls being jealous. "They don't know what it's like going through life hot," she opines. When men are intimidated by you and women hate you, it's a lonely, lonely life. Too bad Megan had to leave her lucrative modeling career behind and resort to reality television to find a man. As Nazareth once said, "Some fools fool themselves I guess."

The competition is close and it all comes down to the final challenge of greased pig wrestling. Alexis Arquette interviews, "These pigs went to college because they are a lot smarter than they look." I don't know, Lexi, they look pretty smart to me. Comparitively, of course. The little piggies are also very cute and they race around their pen, giving the brain surgeons a run for their money. At the last minute, Jessica (who?) grabs the final bandanna and wins it all for Ambre's team. Catherine is devestated. She says she feels like she's on death row and is inconsolable. Get over it, Cath...you're a total MILF. Bret can't deal with people his own age, so get out while you can.

After making a series of horrible greased pig jokes, Bret announces that Jessica is the MVP and will get a solo date the following evening. But first, he's taking Ambre, Destiney and Kristy Joe out to dinner. In the dark! This restaurant, called Opaque, features dining in complete darkness. Even the servers are blind. Oh my god, I saw this on CSI! It actually looks like something I wouldn't mind trying out with the RockitKing, if you know what I'm sayin'.

First we get to see what the gang is experiencing with a blank screen and the sound of Ambre yakking away endlessy. Then, thanks to a Buffalo Bill night vision view, we get to see what Bret is experiencing, which is a total porno makeout session with Kristy Joe. She's sucking on his finger, she's gnawing on his neck, she's karate chopping his peepee. Once again, I wonder what happened to the germ phobia she was so vehement about on the first ep.

To further the spread of germs, when Kristy Joe and Destiney go to the bathroom, Ambre scooches right over and starts making out with Bret herself. Yucky! To make it worse, she says, "All I'm thinking is, 'I hope this is Bret I'm kissing!'" Tee hee! Good timing, dumbass. A minute sooner and you would have realized what was happening while you were telling your life story. Come to think of it, a bitch fight in the dark would have been hilarious. Bret's assessment of the whole thing is that he "got to meet the girls a much different levels."

When we return to Skank Manor we get to see Michael Clarke Duncan wearing a bikini—what the fuck?? Oh wait, that's Inna. Sorry. The mood is tense around the house when Bret takes Kristy Joe to his room and locks the door. He interviews that Kristy Joe is crazy and it turns him on. What is up with Bret's thing for crazy chicks? They should have just sent Bret to a women's mental institution and let him have at it. KJ finally leaves around 4:30 a.m. looking a bit disheveled if you know what I mean.

The next morning, Catherine signs her own death warrant by deciding to make her own date with Bret. She whips up some breakfast, dons a fetching leopard minidress and lipstick and takes a tray to Bret's room. Megan says Catherine is like "an old horse that you have to shoot or something"—what is she, four? Catherine pounds on Bret's door and of course Bret is snoozing away. She wakes him up and you think he's going to be pissed, but he actually seems to appreciate it and Catherine gets to make out with Bret a little bit. God, I think I'm starting to develop a germ phobia watching all this spit swapping...

In the meantime, Jessica is all ready for her solo date and she totally reminds me of Jessica Simpson, complete with the virgin/whore persona and vacant expression. She and Bret are driven to a paintball park and as they are target practicing, Bret's gun jams. Jess says, "I know what will work" and surprises him with some tongue action. I have to admit, it was a pretty smooth move and of course, Bret loves it.

The pair plays against Security Goon Big John, who we find out was a Marine who served in Somolia and Desert Storm, and then have lunch in the middle of the paintball field. Nothing really exciting happens, but I'm once again fascinated by the romantic lunch/dinner tables that always are always set up in the middle of fields or on race tracks or in lingerie stores. Jess says, "There's nothing quite like making out in a field full of paint and guns and sweat" and then tells Bret she wants him to "throw me on the bed and ravish me." Bret is giddy that Jessica's sweet exterior is melting away to expose her inner tramp.

Back at Bret's Brothel, Megan and Alexis Arquette grab lawn chairs and camp out at Bret's door wearing bikinis. Alexis says she hopes Bret hasn't forgotten about her, and of course he hasn't...she's the one with the Adam's apple. Bret returns and it's mercifully time for the elimination ceremony. Hurley from Lost is standing in the lineup wearing nude lipstick and black paint on his eyelids. Oh wait, that's just Inna. Sorry. Bret calls her his "Ukranian love tank" and I'm sure she took that as a compliment, but I'll bet he keeps passing her through because he's afraid she'll squeeze his head like a zit until it pops.

Kristy Joe also makes it through again, which is no surprise, and Destiney interviews that KJ is stealing all her time with Bret and "I want to see her die." Aww, someone has a girl crush!

In another not-at-all-surprising move, Bret lets Catherine and Peyton go. I'm sorry, but Catherine is a total babe. If she did something about the feathered bangs she'd be the hottest chick in the house. Peyton may have been kinda cool, but I couldn't get the Amy Madigan thing out of my head, so I'm sort of glad to see her go. Youth reigns once again.

Next week: the gals strip for veterans and Destiney's lesbo crush on Kristy Joe hits a fever pitch.