BREAKING NEWS: You can take the Count out of the can...

From News in English:

Black metal, right-wing extremist arrested for planning terrorist attack

The French government confirmed on Tuesday that Kristian “Varg” Vikernes, the Norwegian black metal musician and right-wing extremist who’s been convicted of both murder and setting fire to churches, was arrested in France on Tuesday. He’s charged with planning a major terrorist attack, just a week before the second anniversary of the attacks carried out by another right-wing extremist in Norway.

Important commentary on this startling event coming up next on...Stupid & Contagious.


CoTher 2.4-5: Gutterballs

She rolls on shomer Shabbos.
Yeah, yeah, I'm way behind. Leave me alone. I was busy keeping the X in Xmas. Happy new year, bee tee dubs!

Anyhoo, let's kick 2013 off right and get caught up on some "Couples Therapy" action! I'm going to count down the best parts of eps 4 and 5. You can thank me later:

1. Doug can't do partner yoga, cries and locks himself in the bathroom
In an effort to help the couples feel "connected," the therapists organize a morning partner yoga session for the gang. But one partner is conspicuously missing because of those pesky California child labor laws.

Doug half-heartedly attempts to do the yoga himself while everyone else is sitting back-to-back with their sweeties to "feel their warmth and their spine." Dammit! Doug is not feeling any warmth or spines so he untwists himself from Warrior 1 and stomps, pouting, into the house. "I can't be with her at night and I've reached my threshold," he cries. I'm guessing he then screams, "NOBODY UNDERSTANDS OUR LOVE!" and flails down the hall wailing and dramatically slams the bathroom door shut so he can privately sulk about his inability to participate in yoga.

Hater Shayne seems to think the problem isn't that Courtney can't be on camera for more than six hours a day: "You can't wear stripper shoes to yoga, so maybe she opted out." Maybe, Shayne, maybe. But Court is has special powers that enable her to incorporate transparent eight-inch platforms into every activity. Exhibit A:

2. Courtney Stodden doesn't have to wear ugly, stinking bowling shoes like everyone else.
In another attempt to encourage "bonding," the CoTher pairs are sent to the bowling alley. Court dresses for the occasion in the aforementioned plexiglass heels and the copper crotch cutters/lycra halter combo from the first episode. Bowling may by Courtney's worst nightmare, but it's a fantastic opportunity to make a gazillion titillating wisecracks about balls. 

"I don't know how to put my fingers in the ball!" Court squeals. "I'm a bowling virgin!"

Courtney "knocks [my] pins down every time," Doug announces.

"She knows how to work balls," Tiny side-eyes.

Despite her alleged lack of bowling prowess, Court rolls a strike on the first try (at least as editing would lead us to believe). It's the magic of the heels! But how she got away with wearing them instead of the rentable clown shoes everyone else is forced to wear remains a mystery.

3. Courtney still talks to her ex and can't reach things
When Dr. Jenn asks the couples to talk about trust in group, Court drops a bomb. Turns out she's still talking to her 21-year-old ex-boyfriend! WHATTTT???? I'm shocked. SHOCKED. Doug says he's going to bed sometimes and Courtney's phone is blowing up at all hours of the night. Once, he decided to put his foot down on these shenanigans, so he grabbed her phone and told Mr. 21-Year-Old to stop calling his wife, goddammit! Dr. Jenn encourages Courtney to stop trying to stir shit up to get him to tell her he cares. Fat chance, doc!

Despite his attempt at taking a share of the power in the relationship, the scales tipped back in Court's favor when she tries to get something from a not-really-all-that-high shelf. She grunts provocatively and whines that she can't reach so Doug gives her a helping hand:
Eight-inch heels did not help in this situation.
Scales, tipped.

4. This conversation:

Courtney (in the kitchen): Oh my god, there are fries in here! (picks up a wooden spoon) Can I smack your butt with this? (smacks Doug with spoon while he makes sexual sounds)
Doug: Did you get grease on my pants?
Courtney: No. You prima donna.

5. Dourtney
To honor his beloved, Doug scrawls a mural on his bedroom wall:
Is anyone else suddenly reminded of the rebus in Highlights magazine?
Also, they call each other "Dourtney." As in Doug and Courtney combined into one power name, a la Brangelina. It works, I think.

6. Courtney has saved many lives by just being herself
Dr. Jenn meets privately with the Power Couple and announces that she's implementing a dress code in Casa CoTher. Everyone has been complaining to here about Courtney's My Little Ho-ny "outfits" and it's distracting from therapy. Here's her reaction:
Mission accomplished, bitches!
She may have won this round, but the War of Unfairness rages on. So Court suddenly morphs into Elizabeth Cady Stanton and decides to take a stand for those who can't stand up for themselves: The Scantily Clad. She thinks it's wrong to change for others and that she has to speak out for what she believes in because she's a voice for those who want the right to wear postage stamp-sized minis and latex boob trays.

"I've saved many lives!" she implores.

Unfortunately, Dr. Jenn doesn't explore that claim further and instead drops the hammer: from this moment on, there will be no bare midriffs, no boobs hanging out and crotches are to be properly covered at all times...OR ELSE.

"I'm a free spirit!" Courtney complains. "I need to be free to express myself and be creative!" You tell 'em, girlfriend! It's time to really show them what you're made of (besides cotton candy, tanning bed residue and Hidden Fantasy™ by Britney Spears).

Next time: Elizabeth Cady Stanton protests by exposing her midriff and Dr. Jenn is not amused.

Photo stills courtesy of VH1