BREAKING NEWS: You can take the Count out of the can...

From News in English:

Black metal, right-wing extremist arrested for planning terrorist attack

The French government confirmed on Tuesday that Kristian “Varg” Vikernes, the Norwegian black metal musician and right-wing extremist who’s been convicted of both murder and setting fire to churches, was arrested in France on Tuesday. He’s charged with planning a major terrorist attack, just a week before the second anniversary of the attacks carried out by another right-wing extremist in Norway.

Important commentary on this startling event coming up next on...Stupid & Contagious.

Doorbust a move!

Hi, everybody! (Hi, Dr. Nick!) Time to down a fifth and get your teeth knocked out for the last pack of Silly Bandz. It's Doorbusters Day! 

As per tradition, here are a few classic Black Friday horror stories to remind you just what this holiday season is all about: oneupsmanship. Brought to you by our old holiday pal Krampus.

It was far from the first Black Friday tragedy to hit Wal-Mart. Back in 2005, customers shopping at a Wal-Mart in Orlando, Fla., were involved in a scuffle with security and with each other. According to one shopper’s testimony, "It was absolutely pandemonium in there. They were throwing laptops 20 feet in the air, and people were collapsing on each other to grab them. It was ridiculous.” One man reportedly got in a fight with several security guards, while other customers experienced blows to the head.

In 2006, one Circuit City in Naples, Fla., required police backup to help settle down a crowd after 32 vouchers for a laptop deal had been handed out 15 minutes before the doors opened. Meanwhile, at another Circuit City in the same town, a bad fight broke out between two women in the store. According to Naplesnews.com, shoppers reportedly “witnessed one woman grabbing another woman by the neck over a discounted computer.” Perhaps the world is a little safer now that the chain is out of business (though we do miss their good deals on electronics).

One woman collapsed early in the morning on Black Friday last year while waiting in line for the doors to open at Target. Rather than rush to help her, waiting customers stood firm in their spots, unwilling to lose their place in line. A few decent Samaritans threw candy bars in her general direction, thinking she might just have low blood sugar.

In 2006, Sony decided to take advantage of holiday traffic and released the PlayStation 3 in the week leading up to Black Friday. A video game release is typically a manic event, but when you pair it with the holiday, the result is absolute chaos.

Hundreds of over-eager customers gathered outside a Circuit City in Virginia waiting for the doors to open. Police officers tried to tame the crowd before the doors opened. According to a local radio station, “Twice officers verbally warned the crowd, then an officer shot a pepper ball at the ground.” When that didn’t pacify the crowd, police fired another round. Eventually, the customers dispersed all together.

Back in 2007, I had just had my daughter in October by C-section and I went with my mom to Black Friday. We were trying to get a TV and a man yelled, ‘I'm getting all these.’ When I said we are getting one, he pushed me down and hit my mom with one of the boxes. I was so mad—I thought, "All this just to get something for less."

It was 2006, I had been standing in line in the rain since 10 p.m. on Thanksgiving evening at a Walmart in North Central California. Walmart had advertised a phenomenal deal on laptops and I was so happy because I was within the first 30 people at the front door. Doors opened at 5 am. By 4:30 am there was close to 1,000 people in line. What happened next was the greatest display of raw human greed in all its ugliness that I had ever seen on a Black Friday. Now I find the term Black Friday is actually a very, very accurate description because for me, it was a truly dark experience. There was a literal stampede at the front door. Walmart had made the mistake of not providing enough security. They also let everyone in at the same time. As I jogged to the electronics part of the store people behind me were pushing and shoving me, trying their best to get in front of me. I was still fully anticipating a great deal on that marvelous laptop. As I approached the electronics department of the store what I saw was sickening... There was a dog pile of people nearly 6 feet high on top of the remaining laptops. Yes, it looked like a pro football game. People were having a free-for-all, throwing punches and kicking each other violently. One young man had ripped a huge chunk of hair out of an elderly woman's head, roots of the hair dripping with blood. People were enraged, yelling and screaming at each other. Store employees panicked and fled. It was complete total chaos. I could literally hear the loud thumps and screams as fists and feet landed explosively on faces, bodies, etc. Several people had blood on them, there was blood on the floor and I know many people would have bruises later in the day.

In California, I camped out at a best buy about 24 hrs in advance. I was in the top 20 of the line. Early morning someone told me to watch their spot. I agreed because I didn't think anything of it and then they return only a few hrs before the store opened. I was pissed. But before the store opened the manager came out and gave vouchers to the first 5 people. Then he gave the rest of the vouchers to an employee. The employee got on one of those lifting cranes kind of like the firemen use. And everyone crowded around him and he started throwing vouchers into the crowd. It was a massacre.

Work at Home Depot. One year we did TVs, huge Plasma ones for cheap. A woman, desperate to get her TV threw her body over the last two tvs to claim them and we heard the sound of breaking plastic.

Last year I literally witnessed someone trampled to death at Walmart. That's it for me and Black Friday. No deal is worth another person's life.

But, but...50" plasma screens for $495! C'mon, we can sacrifice some of the plebes for a deal like that! Happy holiday season, lovelies! 

It's that time of year again!

Please take some time to offer a moment of silence for Jdimytai "Jimmy" Damour. One year ago today, Jimmy was trampled to death in a Wal-Mart by a bloodthirsty crowd of Doorbusters who assigned more value to flat screen TV than to a poor hapless employee's life. To make the story more depressing, Jimmy was a temp worker who was probably making $7.25 an hour. Most likely less since it's Wal-Mart.

This year, Wal-Mart has instated a brilliant plan to cut down on Black Friday stampedes (and annoying lawsuits from the families of dead employees). This morning, customers were allowed to herd in early and line up beside the product they want to cage fight over. Ingenious! Let them all biting each others' noses off for Rock Band in little groups around the store instead of in one big murderous mob. It's probably easier to pull the bodies out that way.

I may make it a yearly S&C tradition to relay some Black Friday horror stories, because you know this Wal-Mart plan is going to produce some. Here are a few I found online.

Some early bird shoppers were using shopping carts to block aisles in the store, and some even abandoned their carts some 10 feet inside the store entrance, so that other shoppers wouldn’t get ahead of them in the mad rush for merch.

In 1997, the most dangerous toy of all was created: Tickle Me Elmo. For some reason, everyone needed to have a red monster who giggled and vibrated, and they would go to all means necessary. Hustlers rushed to stores on Black Friday, to later sell Elmo online for up to $1500. An employee at Hot Topic was injured when, as he was holding the last remaining Elmo, a group of shoppers literally attacked him. He suffered a broken rib and a concussion.

I crossed the street from my house, and went to cross the parking lot intersection immediately thereafter. Not being a complete idiot (I hope) I looked both ways, saw traffic slowing for the stop sign, so I foolishly ventured across the road. And was promptly, and rather painfully, hit by a late '90s Dodge Ram. So while I sat on the curb waiting for the police to arrive, I remembered why exactly it was that I lock myself in the house on the day after Thanksgiving, but also that other people should do the same. The woman that hit me (other than apologizing profusely) said she was "too busy looking at ads" to notice me.

I saw a guy holding a sign that said "will suck dick for God of War."

If you're shopping today, please be nice to the employees. I realize it's hard when you're surrounded by sick, screaming children, greedy assholes and other failures of humanity, but it might be the one ounce of human decency and kindness they've experienced all day.

P.S. That stupid Jane Seymour "double heart" necklace looks like boobs and a butt. Dr. Quinn should stick to medicine because she sure ain't a jewelry design woman. Har har.