C-A-T spells 'Rhode Island'!

Holy, crizzap, I'm the worst daughter ever! I totally forgot to post this last Sunday for Father's Day in honor of MY PA! Happy belated day, RockitPop!


Frito-Lay is on my shit list

Is it too soon to blog about something other than Michael Jackson's death? I'm still not totally convinced he didn't fake it and move to the Cook Islands.

Fuck it. This has been bugging the shit out of me for a while.

I used to eat Baked Lays chips all the time, 'cause they're pretty good. But now, I just can't bring myself to reach for a bag while grocery shopping, thanks to the Frito-Lay Only In A Woman's World advertising campaign. And I thought Martyrs was scary. But the first time I saw one of these commercials, I was truly horrified. I literally stared, mouth agape, in disbelief at the television even after the two-freaking-minute-long ad ended. Have you seen this stuff?

Against my better judgement, I had to know more. Yes, it's true: Frito-Lay, makers of some of the most delicious salty snacks in all the land, including of course Fritos, Doritos, Cheetos, Tostitos, Funyuns, Miss Vickies chips and Ruffles, are now marketing their Baked Lays, SmartFood and Flat Earth (i.e. "lite") products to chicks with the most inane, vapid and stereotypical advertising they could possibly come up with.

The ads center around four cartoon broads with no noses and club hands who are "navigating life and love" and "fab, funny, fearlessly female." Yes, everyone...they have uteruses and they're not afraid to use them! Something tells me the people who came up with these ads *don't* and *are*.

The campaign's website has bios of each of the chicks. We have Anna, an Asian chick who loves yoga and is a journalist (which is one of those acceptable careers for women in TV and movies, along with teacher, interior designer and event planner). Then we have Cheryl, a black mom who ignores calls from her personal trainer and "sometimes finds herself wishing the annoyingly perfect super-mom next door would have a mental breakdown." Next there's Maya, fashion boutique owner who "hides how much she spends on shopping from her husband." Finally, there's Nikki, an arty singleton who says, "Shopping for cereal was a lot more fun when I cared more about the toy than the fiber!"

We'll get to the blatant female stereotypes in a sec, because we also have a lot of fun racial and looks-based pigeonholing here, too. The Asian does yoga. The black woman drops everything to be supportive. The blonde has big boobs and loves fashion (and lies to her spouse about her out-of-control spending). The redhead is wacky and flighty. It's like According to Jim in cartoon form.

Now we get to the "webisodes." This explains why the original commercial I saw was way too fucking long. They're all meant to be like mini, comic Sex In The City episodes. The first one introduces us to "the girls." One is wearing control top panty hose under a bikini. Another destroys a scale because "we had a misunderstanding." The redhead eats a cookie standing up because "then it doesn't count, right?" (Huh? I don't get it). Already, I have no further interest in any of these people, cartoon or not. Nor do they resemble me or anyone I know. And yet, I forge on for the sake of Stupid & Contagious.

So. I'm going to just give you a little rundown on each of the webisodes, and we'll go from there. And oh my freaking god, there are NINE OF THEM.

• OK, this is the one I saw on TV that left me catatonic with disbelief. The "premier" starts off with the blonde using a Thighmaster and chanting "bikini, bikini, bikini." When the phone rings, the Thighmaster flies across the room and breaks "her skinny mirror." The redhead is crying and all the gals assemble to be good shoulders for her to lean on (and one even gets a crotch buzz from her vibrating phone and blushes) and of course she's sobbing over a guy "Giancarlo" who is leaving her. After the ladies run through a cavalcade of guys the redhead has obsessed over, she reveals that Giancarlo is her hairdresser. And that's when they all go apeshit.

• One of the ladies has the flu and the friends stop by to cheer her up, 'cause that's what true friends do! The sick one says she hasn't been able to eat in days and she's lost four pounds. The others gush "You're so lucky!" and she says "I know! I can almost fit into my skinny jeans!"

• The blonde is having coffee with the black chick before she leaves for a vacation in Mexico. The black chick asks her if she's ready "all over" for a getaway. OK, have you ever in your life asked someone if they're ready for a vacation by asking them if they've waxed? I mean, SERIOUSLY?? Anyway, it gets worse: the blonde then imagines herself disrobing at the beach and people running and screaming because she's pale, hairy and had unclipped toenails. For the love of god...

• One of the gals is at a cosmetics counter with very rosy cheeks. A blonde bimbot says "love your blush". Gal says "Hot flash!" What the hell does this have to do with chips? They are never mentioned or shown!

• The gals are discussing a beautiful day and saying, "You know what this means!" Picnics! Horseback riding! Outdoor yoga for the Asian! And...bikini season! Suddenly everyone is depressed and ordering shit with skim. Again, what does this have to do with chips?? And if this is supposed to encourage us to eat something, this is a really bizarre approach...

• Asian yoga chick is having a nightmare. First a glasses-clad feminist says "Women can do anything!" Then, her mother pops into her mind to say "where are my grandchildren??" Feminist says, "We're more than baby factories! We're strong independent human beings!" Mom says, "You can have a career after the kids leave home!" Then a boyfriend-type character wakes up and puts his arm around her, which sends her into hysterics, yelling, "I can't take all this pressure!" Then mom says, "You should never make the man in your life feel inadequate, dear!" Again, no chips and WHAT THE EVERLOVING FUCK??

• Black chick's husband says they're taking a little Mother's Day trip to a B&B and he's packed her bags for her. They're wearing robes, sipping champagne with their club hands by a warm fire. She says she thinks she should "change" but her brain-dead hubby didn't pack anything that matches!! She bitches at him for not bringing makeup...but he did! A curling iron and some kind of compact! "But I don't curl my hair!" she screams. But she really doesn't care, it's the thought that counts. Then they go out for dinner and *everyone* is staring at her and gasping in horror at her mismatched outfit and garish makeup. Because when you go out, you have to wear makeup even when only shitty, outdated makeup is available . Criminy.

• The blonde is negotiating with a diner chef to have one more piece of pie. She's got plates piled up all around her, like she's had two whole pies already. She told him one slice ago to not respond to threats to his family for another. But then she says, "You do something for me and I'll do something for you" and winks. Jesus H. Christ, she's going to BLOW HIM FOR PIE?? Instead, she gets in his face and demands it, so he gives in. When she's done scarfing it down, she says, "Why did you let me eat that?" OK, pie...not chips. And are we supposed to eat the product or not?? I'm so confused!

• The blonde and Yoga Asian are on treadmills and Blonde is listening to a self-help tape, chanting "I'm bringing out the thin within. Size is just a state of mind. The only thing holding me back is me" and turning up the speed on the treadmill. Her friend asks what exactly the tape is supposed to accomplish and she responds, "To help me maintain control...and fit into a certain dress by Friday." Then she flies off the treadmill and the friend quips "I'm sure that dress will look great...over your full body cast!" HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! When women try to control themselves, it always ends in hilarity!

So here we have:
• Hysteria over hairdressing
• Shoe worship
• Jealousy over other women
• Frivolous grooming
• Weight loss through physical illness (and praise for it)
• Depression over "bikini season"
• Total freak-outs over food
• Men portrayed as clueless idiots
• Compulsive exercise
• Ad nauseum mention of cankles, water weight and hot flashes

What exactly is the goal here? Are we supposed to eat Baked Lays, SmartFood and Flat Earth snacks or not? Because all these ads seem to be geared toward guilt over putting anything in your mouth besides a penis. I mean COME ON! Offensive doesn't even begin to accurately describe this. It's also completely convoluted! In essence, they're saying "Hey, here are our salty, delicious snacks! Since you can't control yourself and stop from eating them, we'll make you feel as guilty as possible for being a fat, vapid failure." Why don't chip companies advertise their wares by showing drunk chicks pigging out on salty snacks with no remorse whatsoever? Funny, clever AND realistic!

I'm guessing this all went through a rigorous testing with sample audiences made up of real women, right? So we can't completely blame the stupid, sexist marketing nitwits. That means some people actually think this is funny and clever. I mean, they've completely rebranded their "lite" products, so obviously a lot of money, time and planning went into this. Just like the ads that show women climaxing over cleaning products, it's meant as distorting feminism to think worrying about this stuff is empowering.

With only 30 seconds to showcase a product, I understand that advertisers don't have time to be completely politically correct in commercials. But come on...this shit is PLAYED OUT. If your target audience is dieting women, be straightforward. Say, "You love chips and these chips taste great and have less calories." It's as simple as that. Don't pander to your audience by trying to relate to women through ridiculous stereotypes. I, for one, would love it.

Plus, men diet, too. It's true! The new kinder, gentler packaging and "women be shoppin'" advertising is excluding at least half your audience. If the chips aren't selling, it's because they're too fucking expensive! Not because of your commercials. Come on, ad agencies...can't we all just get along?

Either way, I'm buying Pringles Lite until they straighten this BS out. At least they fill the can to the top instead of filling half of it with air.

PS The website also invites you to "be one of the girls" by creating your own noseless, club-handed avatar. That's me above. Don't you just love my yellow shoes? Totally hot, right?


Feather for Farrah

We've lost another television queen today. Farrah Fawcett passed away after a particularly nasty battle with cancer. In honor of this Hollywood legend, I've feathered my hair.

If you've never seen The Burning Bed, be sure to check it out. Farrah is awesome in it.

UPDATE: I will not be blowing out my hair in honor of Jacko, FYI.


True tales of horror and depravity

Men reject their prophets and slay them, but they love their martyrs and honor those whom they have slain.
— Fyodor Dostoyevsky

I'm not even sure where to begin on this one. It's taken me a while to really post on it, because the movie made me think for a while. Wow...it's been a while.

Not too long ago, I thought Funny Games was the scariest movie I've ever seen. If you're a horror fan, watch the original Austrian version. If you're a watch-through-the-fingers type, watch the American version, starring Naomi Watts, Tim Roth and Michael Pitt. Both will elicit equal amounts of horror, depending on your horror experience. The American version is a shot-for-shot remake of the original by the same director, Michael Haneke. It's just scarier for horror fans when you don't know the actors. At least for me.

Part of why I'm writing about this now is the impending U.S. release of Lars von Trier's Antichrist. I've only seen two von Trier films and loved/was emotionally scarred for life by both. If you haven't heard about this movie, it stars Willem DaFoe and Charlotte Gainsbourg, and that's it. Yes, that's THE Charlotte Gainsbourg, originally made famous by the creeptastical duet she did with her father Serge at age 13, "Lemon Incest." And it features a rusty-scissor clitorectomy. Which caused some haughty Cannes attendees to require medical attention.

The horror genre has needed a slap in the throat since Hostel, in my humble opinion. In order, the scariest movies I ever seen were Halloween, The Omen, Rosemary's Baby, The Last House on the Left, The Exorcist, The Changeling, (the George C. Scott one, not the Angie J. one), Hostel, The Ring...and now this.

I watched Martyrs. This is a French horror film that's been getting quite a bit of buzz. On Rotten Tomatoes, it's divided exactly down the middle: 50/50 positive and negative reviews. Some say it's the torture porn disguised as a "higher meaning" thinker. Others say it is brilliant, brutal and groundbreaking.

This is officially the movie that is taking horror to the next level, again, in my humble opinion. No one is terrified by seeing slutty high-schoolers or dopey sorority chicks getting slashed and burned anymore. And because of the never-ending Saw franchise, no one wants to see people who deserve it in general get it in a super-creative way anymore. Now it's all about the higher meaning.

If you're a horror fan, don't click on that Rotten Tomatoes link...actually DON'T READ ANYTHING ABOUT MARTYRS if you haven't seen it.

As a horror-movie aficionado, I can tell you I have never seen anything like this. For a while we were all fascinated with the Japan/Asia horror films. Battle Royale, Ringu, Ju-on, A Tale of Two Sisters, Shutter, Ōdishon, One Missed Call...all good movies (some of which were made into inferior U.S. versions [excepting The Ring, in my humble opinion]) that inspired an uprise in supernatural horror. Now, it's all about the French. I couldn't make it through Man Bites Dog.

But I made it through this, albeit reluctantly, because it was not only completely horrifying, but also completely compelling. What the fuck is going on? Spoilers: it goes from supernatural horror flick to revenge flick to supernatural horror flick to OH MY FUCKING GOD horror flick to existential I-think-I-almost-understand-why flick.

I love violent movies, but this has the most horrifying abuse I've ever seen put on film. As a bleeding heart, it was really hard to make it through...but it's worth it to stick with it. The acting is superb, the story is fantastically intriguing and the horror is most certainly not torture porn. But you don't really know until you reach the very end. Just stick it out, if you can, and you'll be thinking about the movie and its themes for days. It will make you wonder why you watch this stuff and why you like it, and you'll be glad it's only a movie, but you'll still feel really dirty for a long time, if you're like me...and if you're like me, you'll love it. 'cause it's totally smart and brilliant and a horrifying look at human fear.

Now consider that there are currently negotiations going on to make an American version. WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD? Why can't people just let good foreign horror movies be? Once you've seen it, try to imagine it being made with, say, Megan Fox and Jessica Alba in the two lead roles. Completely ridic and depressing.

So I think because I made it through Martyrs, I might be able to finally make it through Man Bites Dog. And I've been told I need to give Cannibal Holocaust a try. Um, OK. I love all you sickos who recommend these movies to me. Watch Martyrs and we'll go from there. Love ya!

P.S. Serious horror fans, don't even bother with Inside (À l'intérieur). Stupid and like a V.C. Andrews novel come to life. Casual horror fans, see it immediately, 'cause it's pretty good! But just not really that scary.


All about Awkward

I have to do a short, praise-y post about my new favorite website Awkward Family Photos. I seriously laughed my ass off for an hour. Unfortch, I'm not able to surf the net with the ease that I used to at work due to firewalls, exposure, etc. But this is an awesome way to kill some time when you're bored at work or a any other time. Please be sure to check out the comments because they really make the site. And also it will make the compound bow jokes make sense.

Rock n' roll.


You learn something new every day

Did you know that Crunchberries aren't real berries??*

I feel duped. What about Booberries? Frankenberries? I thought they were all made with real froot! I mean fruit.

Speaking of (dingle)berries, I'm sure Jenny McCarthy already knew this, given that she's cutting everything out of her diet and blogging all about it on Oprah's Hausfrau Central website. Crunchberries are just full of unpronounceable ingredients that, when eaten, can make children retarded. Hey, Fruity Pebbles and Cinnamon Toast Crunch were practically food groups for me as a kid, and look how I turned out!

Obsessive, that's how I turned out. I simply can't get enough of Jenny McCarthy's idiocy. It's like watching a dog eating it's own shit. Jenny thinks she's smarter than doctors and on to something. And the dog thinks it produced it's own dinner.

It's no wonder she's such a fucking wackadoo when this is what she eats every day:

Emergen-C drink pack with stevia and lemon in warm water
Two eggs over easy on gluten-free, yeast-free, casein-free, sugar-free bread

Salad with no-sugar salad dressing and some veggie soup

Pears or watermelon

Turkey with butternut squash

Yummy treat:
Nana's cookie, sugar-free, gluten-free, casein-free

A few questions: how can you have bread without yeast? And how can one sugar-free, gluten-free, casein-free "cookie" qualify as a "yummy treat"? A yummy treat is a biggie Heath Bar Blizzard with a side of Double-Stuf Oreos dipped in root beer float...sauce. A diet like that is enough to turn anyone into a brain-dead parrot for cultish anti-science movement. How much sugar and yeast and gluten are in boogers anyway, Jen?

Can you believe Oprah is giving this dimbulb her own show? I always felt a little neutral toward Oprah, until recently, and it's all because of Jenny. Oh, and Chrissy Snow! The Thighmaster lady. The mom on CBS Block Party staple Step By Step. The sheriff on She's the Sheriff. That's Suzanne Somers. This bitch might be even crazier than Jenny, if you can believe it. OK, you probably can believe it.

Since her esteemed acting career slowed down, Suzanne has reinvented herself as an alt-med guru. She's written books on weight loss, sex and aging, all with an unusual twist. Basically, Suze is a huge advocate of pumping yourself full of estrogen to keep yourself young. That includes taking more than 60 non-FDA-regulated supplements every single day, drinking sludgy smoothies, rubbing estrogen cream into your arms and injecting estrogen into your vagina.

*record scratching sound*

Yes, you read that right. Suzanne Somers recently went on Oprah and shared her daily regimen† with O's minions, which includes INJECTING ESTROGEN DIRECTLY INTO HER COOTCH. No motherfucking shit.

Who cares? you may ask. Suzanne Somers an aging jiggle TV bimbo with a brain the size of a baby pea. Yes, that is true. But there are also lots of people in Oprah's audience of flying monkeys that are aging couch potatoes with brains the size of baby peas. So they might think that injecting female hormones directly into the vag is a good idea. There was apparently no mention of the fact that Suzanne also had to get a hysterectomy due to uterine bleeding. Instead Oprah foamed at the mouth saying that some people might think Suzanne is nuts, "but she just might be a pioneer."

A pioneer of a whole new brand of crazy, never before studied by scientists. Suzanne, like Jenny, seems to have gone into some kind of third dimension of delusion. It's sort of like a militia with Jimmy Choos and Botox. I wonder what it's like to live in that world, giddily immune to reason and logic. Wheee! It's fun! It's all about being powerful!

In fact, here's what Jenny herself says about taking charge and washing all those pesky voices of reason out of your head:

[all sic] Im watching Larry King right now. He is doing a show about powerful women. Amazing to watch. amazing to see how far weve come. Most of it talks about having self worth. So true. I dont believe you have to be famous or rich to have power or self worth. I think the stay at home mom could be more powerful than anyone if she has a strong sense of herself. One of the women on the show talked about our chatter that goes on in our heads. The chatter of not being good enough, skinny enough or rich enough. This chatter could lower our self worth. Its so true!! Who is that voice?! That bitch comes out when I PMS and I cant get her to shut up. They gave some tips to quiet the chatter.... take care of yourself, be self sufficiant, love yourself and that chatter becomes a whisper. It makes sense to me. Kicking sugar along with all the other things Ive given up makes me believe that because Im taking care of myself Im building up my self worth. If youve been on this journey with me this month or just joining, you too are coming into your power. Woo hoo! Ladies! The era of enlightenment is here!

Glad it took LARRY KING to make Jenny see how far "weve" come. She's certainly got a way to go on grammar and punctuation. And so inspiring that you don't have to be famous or rich to have power or self-worth! All that chatter from that bitch in my head prattling on and on about who's after me, who's trying to stop me, who's trying to silence me. Kicking sugar is the answer, people. Follow Jenny on her quest for power.

You know what else raises your self-worth? Having bigger boobs! Jenny sez:

I'm glad to be back home. I missed Evan. I missed American food. It was amazing to watch the French eat though. Creams, breads, sorbets, smoking, drinking wine and the women were all skinny and gorgeous. What the hell is that about? I'm hanging in there for no sugar. I hope you are too. The French might be able to get away with eating whatever they want, but at least American girls have bigger boobs. Hahaha.

Hahahaha! Oh, Jenny! You and Suzanne and your estrogen overload!

* There are some real zingers in that Crunchberry story:
The plaintiff, Janine Sugawara, alleged that she had only recently learned to her dismay that said "berries" were in fact simply brightly-colored cereal balls, and that although the product did contain some strawberry fruit concentrate, it was not otherwise redeemed by fruit.

According to the complaint, Sugawara and other consumers were misled not only by the use of the word "berries" in the name, but also by the front of the box, which features the product's namesake, Cap'n Crunch, aggressively "thrusting a spoonful of 'Crunchberries' at the prospective buyer."

...while the challenged packaging contains the word "berries" it does so only in conjunction with the descriptive term "crunch." This Court is not aware of, nor has Plaintiff alleged the existence of, any actual fruit referred to as a "crunchberry."

† Forgive me for linking to the Huffington Post.