13 biggest douchebags of 2009

Ah, the year-end list. If it isn't reduced to list format, it didn't happen in the last 12 months. Today, we're covering the biggest morons of 2009. It's hard to narrow it down...and it's also hard to not feel like I'm not helping to make folk heroes out of jerks. There's no such thing as bad publicity? Probably true. But I still wouldn't want the whole world to hate me.

13. John Mayer
If I used John Mayer's music as a guide, I'd probably view him along the lines of a James Blunt/Chris Martin-style purveyor of mush pablum. But I also know from the tabs that he's a manwhore who thinks Jennifer Aniston is the classiest broad on the face of the earth, and I know from Twitter that he thinks he's fucking hilarious. He posted "ad Tweets" on his account as some kind of brilliant social experiment. For example, one said "Guys, I just had an amazing soup by Campbell's, Steak and Potato. See all of the great varieties of hearty soups." Don't get this guy in a prank war with Kutcher...the Twitterverse might blow up.

12. Kanye West

11. Gwynnie
Because we can't have a list of douches without mentioning our old friend Wet Spinach, although I think someone over at GOOP shot her up with tranqs because the newsletter has been relatively tame of late.

10. Dov Charney
I really want to like this guy because he employs American Apparel clothing constructors at a decent, livable wage, provides good benefits and makes all the clothes in the U.S. However, his epic skeevery outshines any good deeds this clothing mogul has done. It's hard to decide what's worse: his crimes against his employees (he has countless sexual harassment suits against him and regularly fires workers he finds unattractive) or his crimes against fashion. This is the guy who tries to push gold spandex unitards, scrunchies and neon green disco shorts paired with legwarmers as hot looks. TODAY. Not in an Olivia Newton John video. Unacceptable on all counts.

9. Carrie Prejean
Carrie identifies herself as a godly person, talking the talk with the most pious of them. But when it comes to walking the walk, well, just take a look at the likes of Rush Limbaugh, Ted Haggard and 99.9% of Republicans to see where this is headed. It's not that she came out of the closet as a dissenter of same-sex marriage at the Miss Universe pageant—she's entitled to her opinion. But poor little Care-care believes she's being discriminated against for being conservative...because people disagree with her. And then it then all comes pouring out that not only did the pageant pay for her boob job, but she also made some naughty little solo fuck tapes for the benefit of her boyfriend. And she says Larry King is inappropriate...

8. Kirk Cameron/Ray Comfort (tie)
You may remember Kirk as Mike Seaver, best friend to Eddie and Boner on the '80s supersitcom Growing Pains. Or you may remember him as one of the most popular poster boys in such literary journals as Bop, The Big Bopper and Tiger Beat around 1986-87. And if you have no life (like me) you may also remember him switching bodies with Dudley Moore in the oft-forgotten teen classic Like Father, Like Son (also starring a post-Goonies, pre-Rudy Sean Astin as "Trigger"). And if you really have no life (like me), you may remember him in the horrible kid-from-the-wrong-side-of-the-tracks-joins-snobby-college-debate-team romance Listen to Me, opposite Jami Gertz. You may also know that Kirk has gone on to become a smug psycho Christian. He and his protheliser-in-crime Ray Comfort recently visited college campuses to hand out copies of Darwin's Origin of Species with their own little intro about how Darwin was a nazi and, actually, goddidit. Let's see: brilliant naturalist with years of tireless research under his belt or star of the WB's Kirk!...who should we listen to? Here's a hint: it's not the one who calls a banana the "athiest's nightmare."

7. Kate Gosselin
Kate reminds me of my bipolar ex-boss. Big shudder. They're both obsessive-compulsive, have weird haircuts, fight incessantly with their lazy husbands, and have prissy, stupid faces. But Kate and her family have somehow become (in)famous, which means we have to hear "her side of the story" on every news outlet for every little issue from her money problems to her tummy tuck. All I can say is thank god I don't have to see ex-boss everywhere talking about this stuff.

6. Spiedi
Who are these people? And why are they constantly on magazine covers and on TV? Is there anyone out there that actually demands to see or read more on these two?

5. Octomom
If you ask me what annoys me the most about Nadya Suleman, I'm hard-pressed to choose just one thing (although the way she says "babies" is really close to the top). There are just so many other things to choose from. She uses herself as a human petri dish and uses student loan money and state handouts to fund it. Her own parents think she's a raving lunatic. She yells and screams at the help. She's got that weird Angelina Jolie obsession. The best part of the whole debacle so far was when the paps filmed her 2-year-old kid slapping her in the face and calling her a bitch. The whole world is with you, kid. The whole world is with you.

4. Everyone behind Megan Wants a Millionaire
Bleach blonde golddigging skank-slash-Rock of Love reject? Check.
Seventeen "millionaires" vying for the love of/chance to buy stuff for said skank? Check.
Background checkers to make sure none of the millionaires have the potential to marry a Vegas stripper mere days after meeting her, brutally kill her and pull all her teeth out so she won't be identified, stuff her in a suitcase and throw it in a trash bin, drive to Canada and hang himself on a coat rack in a no-tell motel? Oops!

3. The entire Heene family
Sadly, one of the iconic images of the year is of that giant flying Jiffy Pop bag sailing over Colorado. And that stupid balloon had more personality, brains and connection to reality than the family that built it.

2. Jon Gosselin
I actually had some sympathy for Jon at one point in my life. Kate is such a cunty shrew! But now, every time I see the latest paparazzi pic of Jon slouching around New York in a bedazzled Ed Hardy shirt (or is it Quacker Factory?), he looks more and more like a sagging globule of protoplasm with greasy spikes on top of it and I hate myself for having ever felt for him. Gawker Media recently named Joe Francis the biggest douchebag of the decade (and yay for them), but Jon is certainly in the running to win the award for fastest flunky-to-douche transformation of the last several years. It's like watching your dad going through a really uncomfortable midlife crisis. One that includes hanging out with fellow slimebag Michael Lohan.

1. Chris Brown
The only person who could beat out the Gosselin is someone who beat the tar out of pop princess Rihanna, which everyone got to see via that horrifying photo. If that wasn't enough to make him ass of the year, he then proceeds to go on a national TV tour in freaking bow ties and Mr. Rogers sweaters to practice his sad face and say he's sowwwy about "what went down." Hey, Chris, "what went down" is that you brutally beat your girlfriend (who by the way handled the tragic situation with a very mature sense of responsibility), yet somehow you seem to view yourself as the victim. Then, to dig your career grave to exactly six feet, you publicly call out Oprah the Great for not supporting you, sensitively referring to her dis as "a slap in the face". As of this posting Chris is on approximately appearance #12 on the Bow Tie Apology Tour, which he's on to promote his new album. Time to go away forever, fuckface. Thank you, and good-bye.


All I want is what I have coming to me—all I want is my fair share

A Charlie Brown Christmas aired tonight and we all know how excited I get about this. Don't we all? But I have to say, watching this as an adult Mrs. Crabapple, it's difficult not to notice the irony in Sally's letter to Santa compared to (a) the times we are living in and (b) my last post:

Dear Santa Claus, How have you been? Did you have a nice summer? How is your wife? I have been extra good this year, so I have a long list of presents that I want. Please note the size and color of each item, and send as many as possible. If it seems too complicated, make it easy on yourself: just send money. How about tens and twenties? All I want is what I have coming to me. All I want is my fair share.

And don't forget Lucy's infamous Christmas gift request from Santa:

Lucy: I know how you feel about all this Christmas business, getting depressed and all that. It happens to me every year. I never get what I really want. I always get a lot of stupid toys or a bicycle or clothes or something like that.
Charlie: What is it you want?

Um, maybe next year?

That being said, for as big of a bitchy cynic as I can be, the simplicity and sweetness of this show and its message always just warms my little black heart. I relate to Charlie: "I know no one likes me. Why do we need a holiday to emphasize it?" Sweet little bald Charlie! They used your head to design jack-o'-lanterns! They served jelly beans at your Thanksgiving! They made you take the wrong route in the fork of the stream when you were racing for your life! But it doesn't matter because when it comes down to it, the show is named after YOU.

Rock n' roll. And happy holidays.


It's that time of year again!

Please take some time to offer a moment of silence for Jdimytai "Jimmy" Damour. One year ago today, Jimmy was trampled to death in a Wal-Mart by a bloodthirsty crowd of Doorbusters who assigned more value to flat screen TV than to a poor hapless employee's life. To make the story more depressing, Jimmy was a temp worker who was probably making $7.25 an hour. Most likely less since it's Wal-Mart.

This year, Wal-Mart has instated a brilliant plan to cut down on Black Friday stampedes (and annoying lawsuits from the families of dead employees). This morning, customers were allowed to herd in early and line up beside the product they want to cage fight over. Ingenious! Let them all biting each others' noses off for Rock Band in little groups around the store instead of in one big murderous mob. It's probably easier to pull the bodies out that way.

I may make it a yearly S&C tradition to relay some Black Friday horror stories, because you know this Wal-Mart plan is going to produce some. Here are a few I found online.

Some early bird shoppers were using shopping carts to block aisles in the store, and some even abandoned their carts some 10 feet inside the store entrance, so that other shoppers wouldn’t get ahead of them in the mad rush for merch.

In 1997, the most dangerous toy of all was created: Tickle Me Elmo. For some reason, everyone needed to have a red monster who giggled and vibrated, and they would go to all means necessary. Hustlers rushed to stores on Black Friday, to later sell Elmo online for up to $1500. An employee at Hot Topic was injured when, as he was holding the last remaining Elmo, a group of shoppers literally attacked him. He suffered a broken rib and a concussion.

I crossed the street from my house, and went to cross the parking lot intersection immediately thereafter. Not being a complete idiot (I hope) I looked both ways, saw traffic slowing for the stop sign, so I foolishly ventured across the road. And was promptly, and rather painfully, hit by a late '90s Dodge Ram. So while I sat on the curb waiting for the police to arrive, I remembered why exactly it was that I lock myself in the house on the day after Thanksgiving, but also that other people should do the same. The woman that hit me (other than apologizing profusely) said she was "too busy looking at ads" to notice me.

I saw a guy holding a sign that said "will suck dick for God of War."

If you're shopping today, please be nice to the employees. I realize it's hard when you're surrounded by sick, screaming children, greedy assholes and other failures of humanity, but it might be the one ounce of human decency and kindness they've experienced all day.

P.S. That stupid Jane Seymour "double heart" necklace looks like boobs and a butt. Dr. Quinn should stick to medicine because she sure ain't a jewelry design woman. Har har.


My new life ambition: corporate drone by day, avant garde popstress in Alexander McQueen by night

Finally, someone cares about making music videos again. Lady Gaga, I want to be you when I grow up.

She's so fucking awesome. (Anyone else think she looks like Amy Winehouse meets Gwen Stefani?)


For the Bird

My crazed obsession with all things Sesame Street continues. I've been eagerly checking in to Google every day to see how they've done their Sesame-themed logo in honor of the show's 40th anniversary (they've been doing it for the past week). Now the New York Times has run an interview with one of my personal heroes...Big Bird! There are also some great questions and comments from Caroll Spinney, the 75-year-old puppeteer who has played Big Bird (and Oscar the Grouch) since the beginning. Because I love it so, I'm reproducing it in its entirety here. Sunny days!

On Tuesday, “Sesame Street” will celebrate its 40th anniversary with the usual array of songs and life lessons about numbers and nutrition and a special guest, the first lady, Michelle Obama, on hand to help out.

Meanwhile, Caroll Spinney, the puppeteer behind Big Bird and Oscar the Grouch, and Carol-Lynn Parente, executive producer, are answering questions from Times readers this week.

Mr. Spinney has embodied both the yin and the yang of “Sesame Street” since the show’s debut. Below, in the guise of everyone’s favorite Giant Golden Condor (who knew?), he responds to queries about Big Bird’s weight, about his dreams and about the existential nature of Mr. Snuffleupagus. Mr. Spinney, the puppeteer, and Ms. Parente also weigh in where appropriate.

Dear Big Bird,
I love you. How many brothers and sisters do you have?


Is Big Bird a boy or a girl?


Hey Big Bird! How much do you weigh?

“I’m light as a feather!”

Dear Mr. Bird,
Do you know of any bigger birds? If not, what’s the next biggest?

“An ostrich.”

Hi Big Bird! What species of bird are you?

“A Giant Golden Condor but I’m really a lark.”

Hi Big Bird!!! I’m a huge fan. My question: Why are you yellow??
—Eike H.

“Because my mother and father were yellow.”

Are you naturally blond? In one photo, I thought I spotted a few dark feather-roots. Also, do you plan to go gray naturally? If so, will this just be your head, or your entire body?

“Of course I’m a natural blond! I’ll never go gray I’ll always be blond, just like my mommy.”

Dear Big Bird,
Why is the Mexican Big Bird green? Are you related to him?

“Yes, Abelardo is a parrot and he is my cousin!”

Hi Big Bird! What is your favorite letter and why?
—Annie F

“B! On my mailbox it says ‘bb’ and it stands for Big Bird — and that’s why.”

Dear Big Bird: Do you sleep on a tree and what do you dream about at night?
—Gwen, age 3

“I sleep in a nest and I dream about other birds.”

Hey Big Bird! What’s your favorite book and why?
—Victoria L

“The Audubon Book of Birds.”

Big Bird, do you have a favorite song?

“LA, LA, LA.”

My kids insist that Cookie Monster has been transformed into “Veggie Monster” for the sake of political correctness in our overweight world. Please say it isn’t so!

“It isn’t so! Cookie Monster still loves to eat cookies. But now he also likes to eat healthy foods like carrots, and knows it’s alright to eat foods like cookies sometimes.”

A question for Oscar: Does he still have that elephant in his dustbin?
—Linus F (Trinidad & Tobago)

“Fluffy, yes. Fluffy still lives in my trash can — not my dust bin.

Hello Mr. Bird,
Snuffy was always a figment of your imagination. After revisiting the show during a wave of nostalgia, I noticed everyone is now friends with Snuffy. How did the change come about?
—Janis Haddock

“Snuffy’s my best friend, he was never imaginary! It was just a matter of poor timing. Sometimes I would ask Snuffy to wait for me in one spot, then while I was away he would leave to go put on a tie or brush his teeth. And then when I came back he would be gone! But then one day he finally stuck around, and everyone could see that my friend Snuffy was real after all. I was so glad that day, because then I knew that my grown-up friends on Sesame Street would always believe me when I told them something that unusual but still true.”

CAROL-LYNN PARENTE: “It was always unclear whether Snuffy was real or just conveniently absent when anyone other than Big Bird was around. We decided to confirm that Snuffy was in fact a real friend of Big Bird in the mid ’80s when there were several incidents of child abuse in the news and there was some concern whether the investigations done with children could be believed. We didn’t want to model the adults in the community not believing Big Bird and an episode was written for his big reveal.”

How do Muppeteers sustain arms-over-head positions for extended periods required for “Sesame Street” segments? Are there fans in Big Bird’s (and others) costume?
—Meg in DC

MS. PARENTE: “Puppeteers are in extraordinary condition to sustain such physical performances. There are not fans or cooling devices in the Big Bird or Snuffy puppets. We limit the amount of time the performers can be in costume by taping the show in shorter segments that all get put together in post-production.”

Mr. Spinney,
Have improvements in technology inside the BB costume made your job easier over the years? I’m thinking of your vision, microphones and what I must assume is the high temperature inside the costume under studio lights and long takes?

CAROLL SPINNEY: “Jim Henson rigged up the monitor and the harness and the microphone that I used and the set-up is exactly the same as it was from day one. Forty years later, I still use the same system but I have replaced the batteries. Believe it or not, the costume is not as hot as you would think — and I take off the top feathers approximately every seven to ten minutes so I get to cool off between takes.”

How do you feel about the changes that have been made to “Sesame Street” over the years? Also, how do you feel about the fact that when the DVD set of the early “Sesame Street” years was released, it was labeled as not suitable for young children? (I was a young child then, and I don’t think it did me any harm!)

MS. PARENTE: “I love that the changes to ‘Sesame Street’ let a new generation of children feel like this show was made for them. This isn’t their mommy or daddy’s ‘Sesame Street,’ but it does still have everything their parents loved about the show. The humor, the characters, the neighborhood that is ‘Sesame Street’ is still intact, but the visual and audio style reflect what appeals to children today.

“As for the label at the top of our ‘Old School’ DVD releases, the warning is a product of the changing times. There was and is nothing about that content that is harmful, however, it was made in a different time, when for instance, we would have modeled children riding bicycles without helmets and riding in cars without seat-belts — things we would no longer choose to do for the safety reasons.”

I know that excerpts from the first seasons are now available on DVD. But are there any plans to put entire episodes on DVD, say of the first five or six shows? Also, will the first two record albums ever be available on CD?

MS PARENTE: “Our ‘Old School’ DVD releases actually include several full show episodes from the early years. It is possible that we will continue that series with additional releases of more shows.

“We are currently exploring release of several of our best selling albums for CD or digital download release. Stay tuned!”


Snow blows

I've been gone for a minute, now I'm back with the jump off. And with Halloween on the horizon, our topic today is, of course, most frightful.

A couple months ago, I blogged about aging, strident '70s bimbot Suzanne Somers and how she's followed up her illustrious career in television (RIP Step By Step) by going on to earn about 10 doctorate degrees in various medical specialties, including dermatology, internal medicine, oncology and, of course, obstetrics and gynecology. Her tireless research on the aging process led to the groundbreaking discovery that women can literally turn back the clock by taking more than 40 supplements a day, drinking sludge smoothies, slathering non-FDA regulated hormone cream on your arms, standing on your head and shooting estrogen into your cootch with a syringe.

Oh wait, I mean that she's actually an aging strident '70s bimbot who DOESN'T have any kind of medical degree, yet still writes books and goes on every talk show to yap about her ridiculous and dangerous snake oil treatments to anyone who will listen. This is a woman who is a cancer survivor and had a hysterectomy and is still too stupid and arrogant to admit that maybe, just maybe, her witch doctor-approved regimen caused her to get sick. And what a surprise! Research even shows that unregulated hormone therapies, like the ones Suzanne takes, can lead to—dun-dun-DUN!—CANCER!

Certainly we could never expect a celebutard like the woman behind Chrissy Snow to admit she may have been wrong. Of course not, because she wracks up quite the windfall from all this quackery. Among the amazing products Suzanne endorses and sells under the Somersize™ and Suzanne™ umbrellas to help people waste money and cling to their pitiful attempts to reclaim youth:

• The infamous ThighMaster, "the best way to tone, shape and firm your inner thighs with just a few squeezes a day" ($19.99)

• The FaceMaster facial toning system that promises to "tighten all 22 facial muscles" and includes "finger wands for one-handed results," whatever the fuck that means and I know what it sounds like it means ($228.95)

• Suzanne-endorsed Life Extension Weight Loss Blood Test ($324)

• Endorsement of the NeoStem stem-cell bank, which "harvests" your own stem cells for future disease prevention ($7,500, plus an $800–$1,500 "mobilizing agent" fee and $62.50 monthly storage fee)

• Endorsement of LifeWave®, a company that produces some kind of homeopathic patches that "communicate with the body through the human magnetic field" to give one more energy, better sleep, joint pain relief, smoother skin, weight loss, etc. ($19.95–$89.95 per pack)

• Clothes and accessories, including Crystal Wing Sunglasses encrusted with Swarovski crystals ($50)

• The SomerSmile® Get White ($50) and Stay White ($20) tooth-whitening systems

• Somersize™ brand kitchen products, including the 5-liter electronic flash fryer ($59.95)

• A line of foods, including a Sour Apple Martini Mix, featuring Suzanne's own SomerSweet® sugar substitute ($9.99)

• A bunch of books on topics ranging from weight loss to being sexy to alcoholic parents to childhood abuse to chocolate recipes.

Grand total: at least $9,145.33 to be cool like Suzanne. Gee, Suze, it's so expensive to desperately grab for youth and beauty. Just how am I expected to keep this up and still make my car payments?

Anyway, the reason I bring this up now is because Suzanne is currently making the rounds to pimp her new book Knockout: Interviews With Doctors Who Are Curing Cancer and How To Prevent Getting It In The First Place. With all the preventative measures Suzanne takes, it's shocking that she still ended getting cancer and having to get a hysterectomy. I guess that's what makes her an expert on medical issues. It's kind of like when I became an expert on dental health after a nasty bout with a toothache. That experience led me to start practicing dentistry. But without all that school and stuff. I needed to get my message out and didn't have time to waste.

I also like how Suzanne has a never-ending supply of tantalizing personal tragedies to reveal every time she releases a book. This time, she claims she was misdiagnosed with "full body cancer" by some mean doctors who tried to kill her with evil Western medicine and suck her into the Big Pharma conspiracy. In reality she had valley fever, a fungal infection that is rather common in the southwest U.S. Her story is very dubious; among her questionable claims, she never reveals the name of the hospital or doctors who treated her...why wouldn't she? I'd sure as hell would want to know if this type of blatant malpractice was going on at my local hospital. But no. Instead she continues to advocate her alt-med dumbassery and blowhard about her precious horse pill regimen.

Now, I know I'm preaching to the choir, as by default, Stupid & Contagious readers are of above-average intelligence and wouldn't think of taking medical advice from the former star of She's the Sheriff. But that's not going to stop me from complaining because I'm so sick of seeing this dumb bitch's plastic face everywhere and I find her quest to stay young sad and pathetic. Like anyone is going to believe she "stays youthful" with creams and pills. So chemo is bad, but having plastic sacs installed in your boobs is a-ok? Also, I've got news for Suzanne—if all this crap is supposedly working, take a look at a close-up paparazzi shot. Bitch looks haggard.

Most of all, Suzanne's bullshit is insulting and offensive to anyone who has, had or knows someone with cancer (and we all do). This is a woman who reacted to Patrick Swayze's death from pancreatic cancer by saying, "They took this beautiful man and they basically put poison in him. Why couldn't they have built him up nutritionally and gotten rid of the toxins in his body? I hate to be this controversial. I'm a singer-dancer-comedienne. But we have an epidemic going on, and I have to say it." Chrissy Snow has spoken and the results are to be as expected. That bitch put the boob in "boob tube"!

Anyway, my blood pressure has topped off and It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown is on! Come to think of it, a quote from Linus perfectly sums up the thought process behind anyone who would look to Suzanne Somers for medical advice: "Everyone tells me you are a fake, but I believe in you. P.S. If you really are a fake, don't tell me. I don't want to know."


It's All Saints Day and everyone's Irish

The sequel to one of the greatest violent movies ever—The Boondock Saints—comes out on October 30 an it actually looks pretty fucking cool. And Peter Fonda is in it? Totally there.

Check out the trailer here.

Plenty of bitchery to come soon.


It's getting worse

This is a formal call for a protest against Frito-Lay. I ask all my friends to please, please, please stop eating Frito-Lay snacks, no matter how delicious they may be, and rip this sexist company a new one with complaint letters. And I mean *all* my friends, not just the gals. No one is safe from being made to look like a moronic, superficial dimbulb in the Only In A Woman's World advertising campaign.

I've covered this idiocy before, hoping that my ridicule (and that of countless other blogs) would shame Frito-Lay into aborting the campaign and spur the company into begging women for their forgiveness. And maybe offering some free bags of Miss Vickie's chips.

But no. Instead, they've created four new rampantly offensive "episodes" featuring the same stereotyped, neurotic, body-obsessed, man-crazy "gals" that set off my rage—you can read all about 'em in my original post linked above.

I'm just going to recap the new ads for you here, but you sort of have to see them to believe them.

• The Asian chick is in her yoga class (of course!) and her class rival enters the room. Asian immediately becomes competitive (OF COURSE!) and struggles to stretch into more difficult poses than the rival. As they're folding both legs frontways over their shoulders, the rival falls and Asian smirks! She won, she won! But then the class ends and the joke's on Asian because—ho! ho!—she's stuck!!

• The blonde is struggling to fit into her jeans. She screams at her husband for putting the pants in the dryer, but he swears he didn't. Hubby tries to help her pull them up but her muffin top is in the way. He says "I love you?" as a question. A message pops up that "Every woman has a story. Tell us yours and you could inspire our season finale!" Oh, boy!!! I should totally tell them about the time I tried to get into a really crazy yoga pose to one-up this flexible, skinny lady in my class and I GOT STUCK! Or about the time I couldn't get my jeans on because I gained some weight and I blamed it on the dryer!!! LOLOLOL! Oh, women and their simple, simple lives!

• The black chick is running like a maniac down the sidewalk as if she's being chased. She vaults over a wall, slides under a plate glass window being carried across the street and jumps with Six Million-Dollar Man sound effects before falling face flat on the ground. She gasps as a man's shadow looms above her. Is it a rapist, mugger or murderer? Worse—IT'S HER PERSONAL TRAINER! He says, "You should run with me, not away from me" and she claps like a child saying, "I ran! I ran!" OK, FUCKING SERIOUSLY???

• The black chick is upset because her hubby hired a hot new secretary. The blonde's reaction is to force her to watch a porno, which grosses her out, but apparently gives her the idea to dress up as a slutty nurse to get her husband's attention. In the midst of her awkward seduction, Hubby reveals that he had to fire the hot secretary because she "wasn't working out." This prompts Black Chick to throw off her stilettos, remove her chicken cutlet bra stuffers and storm out of the room. Hubby then picks up the chicken cutlet, squeezes it and smiles creepily.

So, let me get this straight: she's upset that he hires a hot secretary because...why? Duh! No man can be trusted around a supposedly beautiful woman. So her friend's advice isn't "get some self-esteem and get over it," like mine would be, but "check out 'Naughty Nurse Enema Sluts 27'", which (1) disgusts her because god forbid any woman should feel comfortable watching porn, and (2) somehow gives her the idea that she needs to do something she's obviously completely uncomfortable doing to get her FUCKING HUSBAND'S attention. Then, when he makes a seemingly innocent comment, she runs out of the room angry for no obvious reason and he is rendered speechless and drooling by a fucking fake breast.

So let's summarize what we've learned here:
• Women are so crazy about being perfect that they'll turn everything, even the activities they do for relaxation, into a competition and feel a smug sense of superiority when others fail.
• If women gain a few pounds and can't fit into their jeans, men should blame the dryer, or else stay out of their way because women are crazy.
• It's OK to suggest a woman is being chased and about to be attacked if the outcome is "funny."
• Women hate exercise and will do crazy things to get out of doing it.
• Men can't be trusted.
• Women are disgusted by porn.
• The only way to get a man's attention is by dressing slutty.
• Men are stupid.
• Women are CRAZY.

And the big questions still remains: WHAT THE FUCK DOES THIS ALL HAVE TO DO WITH FOOD???? The products are never mentioned or shown! Somehow the ad wizards who came up with this one think they can trick their Stepford customers into thinking their adorable little ad campaign will brainwash them into buying Frito-Lay's "lite" products.

This really hurts because I love Frito, but this ad campaign is fucking ridiculous and offensive.

People, we are BEYOND this. We are in the 21st century, for christ sakes! Mad Men is FICTION. These ads are an embarrassment to all of humanity. Frito-Lay, drop whoever is doing this horrific ad campaign for you before you do irreparable damage.

Here is the contact info for Frito-Lay. No doubt it won't help since they obviously sunk loads of money into this campaign/rebranding. But it will sure as hell make you feel better. I'm going to really spend some time on mine to make sure I cover every single aspect that pissed me off.

If I sound like one of those crazy women, I don't care because I AM! It's the 40th anniversary year of Woodstock! Let's fight the power, people! Sisterhood is powerful! We're not gonna take it, no we ain't gonna take it! Grrrl power! Riots, not diets!!!


Wish I was...

Sorry for all the videos/pics/fangirl/non-substance/absence of bitchiness. There's plenty of shit coming, I promise. In the meantime, here's a fairly rare one and an old fave: Jane's Addiction's official "Ocean Size" video (possibly NSFW, depending on how your desk is positioned). It = kickass. Holy crizzap, it's like I'm back in college again...


A is for Awesome

Been a little short on inspiration lately, until I saw what follows. It's a tribute to Sesame Street for the show's 40th anniversary. If you haven't seen this, drop everything and check it out. So awesome. I'll never forget the episode where Mr. Hooper died.

Also, god help me, I am now on Twitter. You can friend me or whatever at rockitqueen13.


The grand wizards of shitty folk

Longtime readers of this very blog may remember my write-up on Lynx and Lamb Gaede. They're the adorable little Olsen twin look-a-likes that make up the folk music duo Prussian Blue. Oh, and they're also white supremacists who like to build Hitler snowmen and brand their cattle with swastikas.

No word on what these two are up to. I couldn't find any information on them past January 2008. The twins are 17 now, so maybe they're off to college or married the Unabomber or something. No matter—whatever they're doing now, Prussian Blue better set up plans to record in the Mariana trench or something because they've got some competition!

Heritage Connection is the phat, fresh, new name in national socialist folk-pop. The group essentially rips off Prussian Blue line by line. Cute blond teenage siblings? Check. Violin and acoustic guitar? Check. Provocative poses with white power flags? Check. Ear-splitting caterwauling? Check infinity.

The band consists of sisters Shelby and Charity Pendergraft, the granddaughters of Thom Robb, the national director for the Knights of the Ku Klux Klan. In the excellent book Them: Adventures With Extremists, author Jon Ronson describes Robb as the KKK leader who doesn't use the n-word. Robb is attempting to remake the Klan as a kinder, gentler kind of hate group and has compared the organization's infamous white hoods to ties that businessmen wear to work—it's just a tradition, dontcha know? He's protested against the Martin Luther King, Jr., holiday, but says his approach is "gentle, upbeat and friendly."

Anyway, Robb's granddaughters have recently sieg-heiled their way into the limelight with two recently released CDs, Aryan Awakening and Standing Our Ground. The latter's cover features the girls standing on a mountaintop in modelish outfits and poses and waving a flag that bears the legend "White Pride Worldwide." Like, cute!

The songs cover the old predictable vanguard faves—immigration, interracial relationships, apocalyptic race wars, yadda yadda. But that's not why they blow. Shelby and Charity are horrible singers. Horrible. If you didn't think it was possible to sound whiny and monotone at the same time, check out Heritage Connection. Dogs all over rural Arkansas are clapping their paws over their ears as we speak.

Far more interesting than the girls' music is their blog, which in a rare showing of integrity, I'm not going to link to. If you're really interested, look it up. I found it occasionally eye-opening and informative. For example, did you know that Eureka Springs, Arkansas, has been "overrun by queers"? Playing there was "an interesting experience", but left the girls feeling "sick to our stomachs." Now I want to go to Eureka Springs immediately. What kind of delicious, stomach-churning faggotry is going on in this city? It sounds like fun!

The girls complain that the JCPenney in their town "is starting to look like a Mexican recruiting station." What is that, exactly? And why won't the Mexicans recruit me? I love chimichangas! Ironically, the girls later talk about how they had delicious enchiladas for dinner and how their family "loves Spanish food." Isn't a love of food that ends in vowels grounds for recruitment? If not, what is??

Overall, the blog is devoted to describing in excruciating detail everything the girls and their family consumed at various gatherings and holidays. There are a couple of declarations of undying devotion to Ron Paul. And there is talk of a Spongebob Squarepants birthday cake. Hypocrites! Spongebob is a Communist!

Of interesting note: an article on Heritage Connection on the Southern Poverty Law Center's website points out that the girls' site is decorated with various European flags, including one from Ireland. Don't the white power-ists hate Catholics? Newsflash, homeschool idiots: Ireland is predominately Catholic.

What's the point of this post? To make fun, of course. This is the best music they can come up with to represent their cause? They'll never take off because they're lulling their followers to sleep! And Allah help us if they team up with Prussian Blue and do a tour of bunkers and windowless cinderblock buildings. Girls, when you make up your rider, don't forget to request those yummy tacos!

On a side note, did you know the KKK's finance guy is known as the Grand Goblin? I smell a band name!


A day off is a day ON at Stupid & Contagious

Today is a vacation day in Rockitland. Yee-haw! And what better day to spend it than by catching up on Stupid & Contagious. We have quite a bit of ground to cover, and it unfortunately involves that whispy scarecrow known as Gwyneth.

Since Gwynnie is so upset about the big meanie bloggers who are constantly trashing her STOOP newsletter (they just don't get it), I've decided that it would be free publicity and a major boon to my blogging career if I can get her to squall at me personally. So I'm going to be extra mean today!

And why shouldn't I be? Bitch gives the worst advice. You remember back when I wrote a fake GOOP newsletter for my April Fool's Day post? Well, turns out I wasn't too far off.

The first example appears in her June 18 newsletter, which focuses on "healing." Great. More new age fuckery. My favorite. Gwen opines "In fact, those many little [acupuncture] needles have helped me through many an ailment. Eastern medicine has a different approach than Western medicine—it’s more holistic. The root of the problem is addressed, as opposed to a symptom being attended to with prescription medication, only to return."

I know that our favorite pile of wet spinach went to a hoity-toity private school in New York. It may cost a lot of money, but the teachers there don't have to actually be licensed, as they do in public schools. So who gets the more authoritative education? Hard to say. Either way, it's obvious Gwyneth was twirling her hair and writing mean things about the ugly girls in her slam book during science class.

She continues:
Don’t get me wrong, I am thankful as hell for a round of antibiotics or surgery when necessary, but I have been helped tremendously by all of the practices below that help the body heal itself. When implemented by a professional with experience, the benefits can work wonders.

But Gwynnie, antibiotics and surgery are so Western. And they don't really get to the root of the problem. Plus, it just looks so much cooler to have needles sticking out all over the place and and a little Asian woman gently ringing sound therapy bells. I've got a little control test for you to try, Gwyneth—the next time you get sick, how about trying those antibiotics and prescription meds without the "complimentary" add-ons?

This painfully stupid intro is followed by an interview with a "Chinese medicine practitioner" who goes on and on about how herbs and shit are virtually ignored by snooty Western scientists. She then mentions energy flow and "Qi" and life force. Gag.

Here's where the newsletter starts sounding a lot like the April Fool's Day post. Gwynnie's diploma mill doctor offers a few ancient Chinese secret follow-up remedies:
• Ginger tea with raw brown sugar for menstrual cramps
• Castor oil pack for joint pain
• Neti pot for clearing out the sinuses
• Dry brushing for healthy skin and lymphatic system
• Goji berries with chrysanthemum for red, dry eyes

You know what else is natural? Poo. Do they ever use that in ancient healing practices?

Next we're introduced to cupping, another therapy that was invented during the Tang Dynasty and involves glass jars, fire, alcohol and baby oil. It may sounds like a night at Bob Guccione's house, but it's allegedly supposed to create some kind of suction vacuum on the patient's skin for...what exactly? Relaxation? "Healing?" Who knows, but it leaves these really gnarly marks on you and also can also burn your flesh off. Way to recommend there, Gwynnie. What's next? Bayonet therapy? Hey, cutting is supposed to help people relieve stress, so why not?

The July 9 STOOP newsletter might be even worse. Gwynnie bitches that she gained a bunch of weight "during a majorly fun and delicious 'relax and enjoy life phase' about a month ago." Imagine that. Dare to have fun and enjoy life and you turn into a giant unlovable fat ass, like Gwynnie's character in Shallow Hal. Stars...they're just like us!

Anyway, what's a girl to do? Cleanse, cleanse, cleanse! Gwynnie recommends Dr. Alejandro Junger's Clean detox program. He claims the cleanse will rid the body of toxins and you won't have headaches and irritable bowel syndrome anymore or something. Basically, he doesn't give you any of the rundown and the post is essentially propaganda for his program. Buy it! Gwynnie did! She was able to restore her cornstalk-like physique after a crazed week of face-stuffing.

After her hearty endorsement ("I feel pure and happy and much lighter... this thing is amazing!"), Gwen reminds us to ask our doctors if a cleanse is right for us. You mean those Western-medicine-practicing shills for Big Pharma?? No way! I'd rather drink nothing but mashed wet spinach juice and whey so I can be skinny like Gwyneth Paltrow!

God, could she be any more clueless? Wet Spinach is such a moron. Don't follow her advice. I'll tell you how to make yourself feel better for free: replace Aussie Cheese Fries with fruits and vegetables and do some exercise. When you're sick, go to the doctor. If you're considering alternative treatments, consult Quackwatch and What's the harm?, not STOOP.

Ug, I can't believe I've just wasted half my day off on Paltrow. Time for a "relax and enjoy life phase" for the rest of the afternoon.


C-A-T spells 'Rhode Island'!

Holy, crizzap, I'm the worst daughter ever! I totally forgot to post this last Sunday for Father's Day in honor of MY PA! Happy belated day, RockitPop!


Frito-Lay is on my shit list

Is it too soon to blog about something other than Michael Jackson's death? I'm still not totally convinced he didn't fake it and move to the Cook Islands.

Fuck it. This has been bugging the shit out of me for a while.

I used to eat Baked Lays chips all the time, 'cause they're pretty good. But now, I just can't bring myself to reach for a bag while grocery shopping, thanks to the Frito-Lay Only In A Woman's World advertising campaign. And I thought Martyrs was scary. But the first time I saw one of these commercials, I was truly horrified. I literally stared, mouth agape, in disbelief at the television even after the two-freaking-minute-long ad ended. Have you seen this stuff?

Against my better judgement, I had to know more. Yes, it's true: Frito-Lay, makers of some of the most delicious salty snacks in all the land, including of course Fritos, Doritos, Cheetos, Tostitos, Funyuns, Miss Vickies chips and Ruffles, are now marketing their Baked Lays, SmartFood and Flat Earth (i.e. "lite") products to chicks with the most inane, vapid and stereotypical advertising they could possibly come up with.

The ads center around four cartoon broads with no noses and club hands who are "navigating life and love" and "fab, funny, fearlessly female." Yes, everyone...they have uteruses and they're not afraid to use them! Something tells me the people who came up with these ads *don't* and *are*.

The campaign's website has bios of each of the chicks. We have Anna, an Asian chick who loves yoga and is a journalist (which is one of those acceptable careers for women in TV and movies, along with teacher, interior designer and event planner). Then we have Cheryl, a black mom who ignores calls from her personal trainer and "sometimes finds herself wishing the annoyingly perfect super-mom next door would have a mental breakdown." Next there's Maya, fashion boutique owner who "hides how much she spends on shopping from her husband." Finally, there's Nikki, an arty singleton who says, "Shopping for cereal was a lot more fun when I cared more about the toy than the fiber!"

We'll get to the blatant female stereotypes in a sec, because we also have a lot of fun racial and looks-based pigeonholing here, too. The Asian does yoga. The black woman drops everything to be supportive. The blonde has big boobs and loves fashion (and lies to her spouse about her out-of-control spending). The redhead is wacky and flighty. It's like According to Jim in cartoon form.

Now we get to the "webisodes." This explains why the original commercial I saw was way too fucking long. They're all meant to be like mini, comic Sex In The City episodes. The first one introduces us to "the girls." One is wearing control top panty hose under a bikini. Another destroys a scale because "we had a misunderstanding." The redhead eats a cookie standing up because "then it doesn't count, right?" (Huh? I don't get it). Already, I have no further interest in any of these people, cartoon or not. Nor do they resemble me or anyone I know. And yet, I forge on for the sake of Stupid & Contagious.

So. I'm going to just give you a little rundown on each of the webisodes, and we'll go from there. And oh my freaking god, there are NINE OF THEM.

• OK, this is the one I saw on TV that left me catatonic with disbelief. The "premier" starts off with the blonde using a Thighmaster and chanting "bikini, bikini, bikini." When the phone rings, the Thighmaster flies across the room and breaks "her skinny mirror." The redhead is crying and all the gals assemble to be good shoulders for her to lean on (and one even gets a crotch buzz from her vibrating phone and blushes) and of course she's sobbing over a guy "Giancarlo" who is leaving her. After the ladies run through a cavalcade of guys the redhead has obsessed over, she reveals that Giancarlo is her hairdresser. And that's when they all go apeshit.

• One of the ladies has the flu and the friends stop by to cheer her up, 'cause that's what true friends do! The sick one says she hasn't been able to eat in days and she's lost four pounds. The others gush "You're so lucky!" and she says "I know! I can almost fit into my skinny jeans!"

• The blonde is having coffee with the black chick before she leaves for a vacation in Mexico. The black chick asks her if she's ready "all over" for a getaway. OK, have you ever in your life asked someone if they're ready for a vacation by asking them if they've waxed? I mean, SERIOUSLY?? Anyway, it gets worse: the blonde then imagines herself disrobing at the beach and people running and screaming because she's pale, hairy and had unclipped toenails. For the love of god...

• One of the gals is at a cosmetics counter with very rosy cheeks. A blonde bimbot says "love your blush". Gal says "Hot flash!" What the hell does this have to do with chips? They are never mentioned or shown!

• The gals are discussing a beautiful day and saying, "You know what this means!" Picnics! Horseback riding! Outdoor yoga for the Asian! And...bikini season! Suddenly everyone is depressed and ordering shit with skim. Again, what does this have to do with chips?? And if this is supposed to encourage us to eat something, this is a really bizarre approach...

• Asian yoga chick is having a nightmare. First a glasses-clad feminist says "Women can do anything!" Then, her mother pops into her mind to say "where are my grandchildren??" Feminist says, "We're more than baby factories! We're strong independent human beings!" Mom says, "You can have a career after the kids leave home!" Then a boyfriend-type character wakes up and puts his arm around her, which sends her into hysterics, yelling, "I can't take all this pressure!" Then mom says, "You should never make the man in your life feel inadequate, dear!" Again, no chips and WHAT THE EVERLOVING FUCK??

• Black chick's husband says they're taking a little Mother's Day trip to a B&B and he's packed her bags for her. They're wearing robes, sipping champagne with their club hands by a warm fire. She says she thinks she should "change" but her brain-dead hubby didn't pack anything that matches!! She bitches at him for not bringing makeup...but he did! A curling iron and some kind of compact! "But I don't curl my hair!" she screams. But she really doesn't care, it's the thought that counts. Then they go out for dinner and *everyone* is staring at her and gasping in horror at her mismatched outfit and garish makeup. Because when you go out, you have to wear makeup even when only shitty, outdated makeup is available . Criminy.

• The blonde is negotiating with a diner chef to have one more piece of pie. She's got plates piled up all around her, like she's had two whole pies already. She told him one slice ago to not respond to threats to his family for another. But then she says, "You do something for me and I'll do something for you" and winks. Jesus H. Christ, she's going to BLOW HIM FOR PIE?? Instead, she gets in his face and demands it, so he gives in. When she's done scarfing it down, she says, "Why did you let me eat that?" OK, pie...not chips. And are we supposed to eat the product or not?? I'm so confused!

• The blonde and Yoga Asian are on treadmills and Blonde is listening to a self-help tape, chanting "I'm bringing out the thin within. Size is just a state of mind. The only thing holding me back is me" and turning up the speed on the treadmill. Her friend asks what exactly the tape is supposed to accomplish and she responds, "To help me maintain control...and fit into a certain dress by Friday." Then she flies off the treadmill and the friend quips "I'm sure that dress will look great...over your full body cast!" HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! When women try to control themselves, it always ends in hilarity!

So here we have:
• Hysteria over hairdressing
• Shoe worship
• Jealousy over other women
• Frivolous grooming
• Weight loss through physical illness (and praise for it)
• Depression over "bikini season"
• Total freak-outs over food
• Men portrayed as clueless idiots
• Compulsive exercise
• Ad nauseum mention of cankles, water weight and hot flashes

What exactly is the goal here? Are we supposed to eat Baked Lays, SmartFood and Flat Earth snacks or not? Because all these ads seem to be geared toward guilt over putting anything in your mouth besides a penis. I mean COME ON! Offensive doesn't even begin to accurately describe this. It's also completely convoluted! In essence, they're saying "Hey, here are our salty, delicious snacks! Since you can't control yourself and stop from eating them, we'll make you feel as guilty as possible for being a fat, vapid failure." Why don't chip companies advertise their wares by showing drunk chicks pigging out on salty snacks with no remorse whatsoever? Funny, clever AND realistic!

I'm guessing this all went through a rigorous testing with sample audiences made up of real women, right? So we can't completely blame the stupid, sexist marketing nitwits. That means some people actually think this is funny and clever. I mean, they've completely rebranded their "lite" products, so obviously a lot of money, time and planning went into this. Just like the ads that show women climaxing over cleaning products, it's meant as distorting feminism to think worrying about this stuff is empowering.

With only 30 seconds to showcase a product, I understand that advertisers don't have time to be completely politically correct in commercials. But come on...this shit is PLAYED OUT. If your target audience is dieting women, be straightforward. Say, "You love chips and these chips taste great and have less calories." It's as simple as that. Don't pander to your audience by trying to relate to women through ridiculous stereotypes. I, for one, would love it.

Plus, men diet, too. It's true! The new kinder, gentler packaging and "women be shoppin'" advertising is excluding at least half your audience. If the chips aren't selling, it's because they're too fucking expensive! Not because of your commercials. Come on, ad agencies...can't we all just get along?

Either way, I'm buying Pringles Lite until they straighten this BS out. At least they fill the can to the top instead of filling half of it with air.

PS The website also invites you to "be one of the girls" by creating your own noseless, club-handed avatar. That's me above. Don't you just love my yellow shoes? Totally hot, right?


Feather for Farrah

We've lost another television queen today. Farrah Fawcett passed away after a particularly nasty battle with cancer. In honor of this Hollywood legend, I've feathered my hair.

If you've never seen The Burning Bed, be sure to check it out. Farrah is awesome in it.

UPDATE: I will not be blowing out my hair in honor of Jacko, FYI.


True tales of horror and depravity

Men reject their prophets and slay them, but they love their martyrs and honor those whom they have slain.
— Fyodor Dostoyevsky

I'm not even sure where to begin on this one. It's taken me a while to really post on it, because the movie made me think for a while. Wow...it's been a while.

Not too long ago, I thought Funny Games was the scariest movie I've ever seen. If you're a horror fan, watch the original Austrian version. If you're a watch-through-the-fingers type, watch the American version, starring Naomi Watts, Tim Roth and Michael Pitt. Both will elicit equal amounts of horror, depending on your horror experience. The American version is a shot-for-shot remake of the original by the same director, Michael Haneke. It's just scarier for horror fans when you don't know the actors. At least for me.

Part of why I'm writing about this now is the impending U.S. release of Lars von Trier's Antichrist. I've only seen two von Trier films and loved/was emotionally scarred for life by both. If you haven't heard about this movie, it stars Willem DaFoe and Charlotte Gainsbourg, and that's it. Yes, that's THE Charlotte Gainsbourg, originally made famous by the creeptastical duet she did with her father Serge at age 13, "Lemon Incest." And it features a rusty-scissor clitorectomy. Which caused some haughty Cannes attendees to require medical attention.

The horror genre has needed a slap in the throat since Hostel, in my humble opinion. In order, the scariest movies I ever seen were Halloween, The Omen, Rosemary's Baby, The Last House on the Left, The Exorcist, The Changeling, (the George C. Scott one, not the Angie J. one), Hostel, The Ring...and now this.

I watched Martyrs. This is a French horror film that's been getting quite a bit of buzz. On Rotten Tomatoes, it's divided exactly down the middle: 50/50 positive and negative reviews. Some say it's the torture porn disguised as a "higher meaning" thinker. Others say it is brilliant, brutal and groundbreaking.

This is officially the movie that is taking horror to the next level, again, in my humble opinion. No one is terrified by seeing slutty high-schoolers or dopey sorority chicks getting slashed and burned anymore. And because of the never-ending Saw franchise, no one wants to see people who deserve it in general get it in a super-creative way anymore. Now it's all about the higher meaning.

If you're a horror fan, don't click on that Rotten Tomatoes link...actually DON'T READ ANYTHING ABOUT MARTYRS if you haven't seen it.

As a horror-movie aficionado, I can tell you I have never seen anything like this. For a while we were all fascinated with the Japan/Asia horror films. Battle Royale, Ringu, Ju-on, A Tale of Two Sisters, Shutter, Ōdishon, One Missed Call...all good movies (some of which were made into inferior U.S. versions [excepting The Ring, in my humble opinion]) that inspired an uprise in supernatural horror. Now, it's all about the French. I couldn't make it through Man Bites Dog.

But I made it through this, albeit reluctantly, because it was not only completely horrifying, but also completely compelling. What the fuck is going on? Spoilers: it goes from supernatural horror flick to revenge flick to supernatural horror flick to OH MY FUCKING GOD horror flick to existential I-think-I-almost-understand-why flick.

I love violent movies, but this has the most horrifying abuse I've ever seen put on film. As a bleeding heart, it was really hard to make it through...but it's worth it to stick with it. The acting is superb, the story is fantastically intriguing and the horror is most certainly not torture porn. But you don't really know until you reach the very end. Just stick it out, if you can, and you'll be thinking about the movie and its themes for days. It will make you wonder why you watch this stuff and why you like it, and you'll be glad it's only a movie, but you'll still feel really dirty for a long time, if you're like me...and if you're like me, you'll love it. 'cause it's totally smart and brilliant and a horrifying look at human fear.

Now consider that there are currently negotiations going on to make an American version. WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD? Why can't people just let good foreign horror movies be? Once you've seen it, try to imagine it being made with, say, Megan Fox and Jessica Alba in the two lead roles. Completely ridic and depressing.

So I think because I made it through Martyrs, I might be able to finally make it through Man Bites Dog. And I've been told I need to give Cannibal Holocaust a try. Um, OK. I love all you sickos who recommend these movies to me. Watch Martyrs and we'll go from there. Love ya!

P.S. Serious horror fans, don't even bother with Inside (À l'intérieur). Stupid and like a V.C. Andrews novel come to life. Casual horror fans, see it immediately, 'cause it's pretty good! But just not really that scary.


All about Awkward

I have to do a short, praise-y post about my new favorite website Awkward Family Photos. I seriously laughed my ass off for an hour. Unfortch, I'm not able to surf the net with the ease that I used to at work due to firewalls, exposure, etc. But this is an awesome way to kill some time when you're bored at work or a any other time. Please be sure to check out the comments because they really make the site. And also it will make the compound bow jokes make sense.

Rock n' roll.


You learn something new every day

Did you know that Crunchberries aren't real berries??*

I feel duped. What about Booberries? Frankenberries? I thought they were all made with real froot! I mean fruit.

Speaking of (dingle)berries, I'm sure Jenny McCarthy already knew this, given that she's cutting everything out of her diet and blogging all about it on Oprah's Hausfrau Central website. Crunchberries are just full of unpronounceable ingredients that, when eaten, can make children retarded. Hey, Fruity Pebbles and Cinnamon Toast Crunch were practically food groups for me as a kid, and look how I turned out!

Obsessive, that's how I turned out. I simply can't get enough of Jenny McCarthy's idiocy. It's like watching a dog eating it's own shit. Jenny thinks she's smarter than doctors and on to something. And the dog thinks it produced it's own dinner.

It's no wonder she's such a fucking wackadoo when this is what she eats every day:

Emergen-C drink pack with stevia and lemon in warm water
Two eggs over easy on gluten-free, yeast-free, casein-free, sugar-free bread

Salad with no-sugar salad dressing and some veggie soup

Pears or watermelon

Turkey with butternut squash

Yummy treat:
Nana's cookie, sugar-free, gluten-free, casein-free

A few questions: how can you have bread without yeast? And how can one sugar-free, gluten-free, casein-free "cookie" qualify as a "yummy treat"? A yummy treat is a biggie Heath Bar Blizzard with a side of Double-Stuf Oreos dipped in root beer float...sauce. A diet like that is enough to turn anyone into a brain-dead parrot for cultish anti-science movement. How much sugar and yeast and gluten are in boogers anyway, Jen?

Can you believe Oprah is giving this dimbulb her own show? I always felt a little neutral toward Oprah, until recently, and it's all because of Jenny. Oh, and Chrissy Snow! The Thighmaster lady. The mom on CBS Block Party staple Step By Step. The sheriff on She's the Sheriff. That's Suzanne Somers. This bitch might be even crazier than Jenny, if you can believe it. OK, you probably can believe it.

Since her esteemed acting career slowed down, Suzanne has reinvented herself as an alt-med guru. She's written books on weight loss, sex and aging, all with an unusual twist. Basically, Suze is a huge advocate of pumping yourself full of estrogen to keep yourself young. That includes taking more than 60 non-FDA-regulated supplements every single day, drinking sludgy smoothies, rubbing estrogen cream into your arms and injecting estrogen into your vagina.

*record scratching sound*

Yes, you read that right. Suzanne Somers recently went on Oprah and shared her daily regimen† with O's minions, which includes INJECTING ESTROGEN DIRECTLY INTO HER COOTCH. No motherfucking shit.

Who cares? you may ask. Suzanne Somers an aging jiggle TV bimbo with a brain the size of a baby pea. Yes, that is true. But there are also lots of people in Oprah's audience of flying monkeys that are aging couch potatoes with brains the size of baby peas. So they might think that injecting female hormones directly into the vag is a good idea. There was apparently no mention of the fact that Suzanne also had to get a hysterectomy due to uterine bleeding. Instead Oprah foamed at the mouth saying that some people might think Suzanne is nuts, "but she just might be a pioneer."

A pioneer of a whole new brand of crazy, never before studied by scientists. Suzanne, like Jenny, seems to have gone into some kind of third dimension of delusion. It's sort of like a militia with Jimmy Choos and Botox. I wonder what it's like to live in that world, giddily immune to reason and logic. Wheee! It's fun! It's all about being powerful!

In fact, here's what Jenny herself says about taking charge and washing all those pesky voices of reason out of your head:

[all sic] Im watching Larry King right now. He is doing a show about powerful women. Amazing to watch. amazing to see how far weve come. Most of it talks about having self worth. So true. I dont believe you have to be famous or rich to have power or self worth. I think the stay at home mom could be more powerful than anyone if she has a strong sense of herself. One of the women on the show talked about our chatter that goes on in our heads. The chatter of not being good enough, skinny enough or rich enough. This chatter could lower our self worth. Its so true!! Who is that voice?! That bitch comes out when I PMS and I cant get her to shut up. They gave some tips to quiet the chatter.... take care of yourself, be self sufficiant, love yourself and that chatter becomes a whisper. It makes sense to me. Kicking sugar along with all the other things Ive given up makes me believe that because Im taking care of myself Im building up my self worth. If youve been on this journey with me this month or just joining, you too are coming into your power. Woo hoo! Ladies! The era of enlightenment is here!

Glad it took LARRY KING to make Jenny see how far "weve" come. She's certainly got a way to go on grammar and punctuation. And so inspiring that you don't have to be famous or rich to have power or self-worth! All that chatter from that bitch in my head prattling on and on about who's after me, who's trying to stop me, who's trying to silence me. Kicking sugar is the answer, people. Follow Jenny on her quest for power.

You know what else raises your self-worth? Having bigger boobs! Jenny sez:

I'm glad to be back home. I missed Evan. I missed American food. It was amazing to watch the French eat though. Creams, breads, sorbets, smoking, drinking wine and the women were all skinny and gorgeous. What the hell is that about? I'm hanging in there for no sugar. I hope you are too. The French might be able to get away with eating whatever they want, but at least American girls have bigger boobs. Hahaha.

Hahahaha! Oh, Jenny! You and Suzanne and your estrogen overload!

* There are some real zingers in that Crunchberry story:
The plaintiff, Janine Sugawara, alleged that she had only recently learned to her dismay that said "berries" were in fact simply brightly-colored cereal balls, and that although the product did contain some strawberry fruit concentrate, it was not otherwise redeemed by fruit.

According to the complaint, Sugawara and other consumers were misled not only by the use of the word "berries" in the name, but also by the front of the box, which features the product's namesake, Cap'n Crunch, aggressively "thrusting a spoonful of 'Crunchberries' at the prospective buyer."

...while the challenged packaging contains the word "berries" it does so only in conjunction with the descriptive term "crunch." This Court is not aware of, nor has Plaintiff alleged the existence of, any actual fruit referred to as a "crunchberry."

† Forgive me for linking to the Huffington Post.


I can now die happy

I have seen Jane's Addiction, original lineup, in concert. And it could not have been more badass.

I saw the show two nights in a row. Does that officially make me a groupie? I think I saw a few real groupies...you can always tell because they wear stilettos to concerts.

Anyway, I'm in a bit of a daze so this post is going to be about as gushy fangirl as I'm going to get around here. The first night Jane's played on their own and the second night they played with Nine Inch Nails (who were kickass, as usual). We got trapped in the rain both nights. We also saw a guy in some kind of a bear mascot costume waiting sadly under an overpass until the rain stopped, which really put the sprinkles on top of the entire delicious cupcake of an evening.

Jane's stuck to the old stuff. None of this Entourage theme song business. They kicked both sets off with "Three Days." We also had the pleasure of hearing:

"Ain't No Right"
"Then She Did"
"Ted, Just Admit It..."
"Up The Beach"
"Pigs In Zen"
"Mountain Song"
"Had A Dad"
"Been Caught Stealing"
"Ocean Size"

"Summertime Rolls"
"Jane Says"

I of course turned into this jumpy, screamy, whirling freakshow who knew all the words. I even shed little tear when they played "Summertime Rolls", which is my favorite song of all time. I think I was really annoying my neighbors.

Perry Farrell is 50 years old, if you can believe that. His stage style is this blend of Freddy Mercury, the Pied Piper of Hamelin, a ringmaster and a pole dancer. He said weird things to the crowd and strutted around all cock-of-the-walk style. He sounded amazing.

I made a bet with my concertmates as to how long it would take before Navarro was shirtless on stage. He came out wearing a useless vest both nights, which was gone by the third song. Oh, Dave...such a media whore! But he wailed and swaggered like he really meant it. Since he divorced Carmen and stopped doing reality TV (for now), I forgive him.

Stephen Perkins is officially the most underrated drummer in rock. He's simply awesome. And he drummed in his underpants, before donning a sweet Utilikilt.

Of course, Eric's return made the whole night for me. I believe that if you're simply using a bass player to back up the bass drum, you shouldn't have one. Too often bass players are relegated to the job of making the song a little bit heavier by plinking out the base E-A-G and then drinking all the band's beer at practice. Bass lines can make the songs and Eric's bass lines make the songs. For a good example, listen to "Then She Did." Listen to the whole song! If you're too lazy, "Been Caught Stealing" is another good example.

Anyway, when the encore ended I noticed Eric sitting on stage just staring at the crowd and seemingly really incredulous about the whole experience. Despite all the band differences in the past, it was good to see that he seemed to be having a great time.

I'm sure music critics everywhere (not naming names on the Cowtown ones, but anyone who lives here knows who I'm talking about) are hunting for things to nitpick about the show, but my official last word on everything is that it was perfect. A rabid Jane's fan could not have asked for anything more.

Thank you, boys.

P.S. For your enjoyment, here is a very good interview with Eric that gives you a good overview of what he's all about.

P.P.S. Per my last post, I was wrong. Apparently the Lakers rule and the Cavs drool. I admit defeat. But I don't like it.


Life and other bullshit

Sorry for the lack of posts of late. Work has been kicking my ass and it's NBA playoff time. Plus, I'm lazy. Anyway, this weekend I will be seeing Jane's Addiction TWICE. That's right...two nights in a row, no less! You can expect a full review with all the juicy dees, so you'll have that to look forward to next week. Be sure to get a good night's sleep!

Cavs rule, Lakers drool!


The poop nazi

Just when you thought GOOP/STOOP was the stupidest blog on the internets, along comes something that makes Gwynnie look like a paragon of logic and reason. Yes, there is officially an even dumber "lifestyle newsletter" that will force little miss Paltrow work that much harder win the Stupid & Contagious Most Crushing Online Idiocy™ award.

Who is the person responsible for this monumental feat? Why it's Jenny McCarthy, former Playboy Playmate and MTV shill- turned-antivaccine kooktard! Oprah, who has already shoved Dr. Phil and Ekhart Tolle down our throats, has decided it would be a great idea to give Jenny a blog and a talk show of her own, thereby giving her more mediums to peddle her "save measles, polio and rubella from extinction" propaganda.

Before I make fun of her blog, it should be noted that Jenny, who became famous by picking her nose and eating her own vomit on television, and her boyfriend Jim Carrey are currently the spokesbimbos of a movement of SUV-driving soccer parents that believe childhood vaccines cause autism. Before Jenny's son Evan was diagnosed as being on the autism spectrum, she believed he was a psychic crystal child who was part of an emerging group of "human angels."


After he was diagnosed, she dropped the crystal child schtick and started putting him through all sorts of crazy diets and alternative therapies, including chelation metal detox, which is extremely dangerous, toxic and potentially fatal.


She also recently said this to TIME magazine:
I do believe sadly it's going to take some diseases coming back to realize that we need to change and develop vaccines that are safe. If the vaccine companies are not listening to us, it's their fucking fault that the diseases are coming back. They're making a product that's shit. If you give us a safe vaccine, we'll use it. ... If you ask a parent of an autistic child if they want the measles or the autism, we will stand in line for the fucking measles.

In other words, she believes this is acceptable. So, you know, she's exactly the kind of person you'd want to be taking health and diet advice from! Thanks, Oprah!

The Jenny show thankfully hasn't started yet, but she's full speed ahead on her ridiculous blog already. If she wasn't so fucking annoying and adamant about spreading dangerous pseudoscience, I'd almost feel sorry for her, as the poor thing's brain seems to have stopped growing around age five. She writes like she's been on a five-day Adderall bender. Behold a few words of wisdom from the brain trust that is Jenny McCarthy (all sic):

I also found some corn flakes that were fruit-juice sweetened. It's amazing how much you could find when you actually look.

You know those charity chocolate bars that school girls sell for $1? Well, I bought $500 of them! I wonder if I'm gonna detox.

Part of letting go of something sweet makes me feel like I have nothing sweet in my life. Yes, I can look at my beautiful child and awesome husband (yes, I call him that) and know that I have sweetness living with me, but I can't necessarily have them as dessert. Aren't there any chocolate puddings that are sweetened with fruit juice? Can't Willy Wonka himself ring my doorbell right now and say, "Here is the super-dooper-choco-delicious-non-dairy-sugar-free-fruit-juice-sweetened-candy bar" and save me from my PMS/no-sugar blues? Hmmm.

I told Jim the government doesn't need to have spies to find where you are. They can just Twitter you. LOL!

At least I got smart and taught myself to stay away from what I call "the devil" (what most people refer to as high-fructose corn syrup). I would like to get Evan completely off sugar too. God, I hope he doesn't hate me someday! LOL. After all, I've written six books about him so far. You know, as soon as he turns 16, I am sure he is going to write one called, "Mom, Leave Me Alone!" LOL!

Is LOL totally out and hahaha in? I just dunno.

If that didn't make you LOL or POTK (puke on the keyboard), then wait until you hear about this crazy diet she's on! Because Jenny is into all manner of spiritual/holistic gobbledegook, she's urging the readers of her page to join her in a special "Give It Up By Summer" purge. What's she giving up?
• wheat
• dairy
• refined sugar
• caffeine
• alcohol
• smoking
• yeast

Add to that list: fun, enjoyment, pleasure, excitement and anything interesting to talk about. You know people who diet like this have nothing to talk about except their diet, whether it's to bitch about it or get all self-righteous about it. Jenny is in the second group. She thinks she's on to something that "doctors" and "nutritionists" and "people with more than two brain cells to rub together" can't figure out.

She's so into it that she devotes an entire post to complaining about how airport security wouldn't let her take her sugar-free strawberry jelly on the plane. She even took a picture of the jelly jar, which she refers to as "the last photo of my dear friend", before the security fascists made her throw it in the trash. This seriously seems to have ruined her entire day. I guess she must have missed the giant signs plastered over every inch of the airport and loud announcements every 30 seconds about how you're not allowed to take liquids of more than 3 oz. on board. Jelly is a liquid, Jenny. Or she just didn't care and assumed that because she's a STAH she can do whatever she wants. Bitch!

Most of her posts center around her diet and how hard it is and other tired, overdone, "sigh, it's so hard being a woman!" blathering. "I hate clothes shopping!" "I found a gray hair!" "I miss chocolate!" She obviously gets blog topic ideas from Cathy cartoons.

But the saddest part (so far) is the post she did about poop. Not surprising that Jenny McCarthy would discuss poop, right? But this post is enough to make you demand CPS moves in and gets Evan out of that crazy house as soon as humanly possible. Here's why:

I continuously monitor Evan's poop by sending it to labs to get tested to make sure things are all running smoothly (no yeast, no bacteria, no infections). Sometimes these things can exist without any physical manifestations, so I like to test for them to make sure he is in perfect health.

She continually monitors Evan's poop and SENDS IT TO LABS FOR TESTING??? The kid is seven years old—old enough that his little friends are going to find out and kick his ass to the point where no hyperbaric chamber can help him. I'm sorry, but this is child abuse. Jenny McCarthy is a monster!

And it gets worse. After sending her own shit off for a lab test, she became even more convinced that her entire family's bodies are loaded with crud.

Low and behold, my tests came back and I'm a mess! I have two gnarly gut bugs, and I have extremely high amounts of yeast in my gut. So, I started myself on an antifungal, and my poops have been phenomenal! Yeast, yeast, yeast, all coming out!

Can you imagine her staring out the window waiting nervously for the mailman to deliver her lab tests? And her mouth dropping open with horror when she discovers she's spilling over with yeast? And now, after taking an "antifungal" (like what, Lotrimin?), her shits can only be described as phenomenal? And did she say gnarly?

Her preoccupation with poop is psychotic. I looked it up (and you shouldn't because some really weird shit—literally—came up) and she is a copromaniac! I already knew Oprah was a kook magnet, but this is beyond ridiculous. Jenny McCarthy must be stopped! Every time you see her, take her sugar-free jelly away...it's like kryptonite! Then, bombard her from every angle with sugary snacks, cigarettes and anything yeasty. Don't stop until she promises to say she loves vaccines!

She and Gwyneth should get together and talk about their favorite cleanses and how to suck the joy, fun and excitement out of
every meal, conversation and aspect of life they can think of. And maybe Jenny can recruit Gwyneth to join her crusade to kill kids. It'll be fun!

Speaking of Paltrow, this week in STOOP, Gwynnie and a lineup of "super cool music experts" like Samantha Ronson, DJ AM and Guy Oseary choose their favorite "party jams." I guess it all depends on what kind of party you want to throw and how much of Madonna's ass you want to kiss. Some of the choices are pretty good and others are...huh? "1979"? "How Soon Is Now"??? Coldplay????? (Guess who picked that one.)

The best part is Gwyneth's painful attempts at sounding cool. She urges readers to get their "mother lovin' dance shoes on." She praises DJ AM's "wicked remixes". Of Gabe Tesoriero of Def Jam, she declares, "his iPod always makes it happen." And of herself, she says, "Gwyneth Paltrow is not a music expert but is an avid listener and knows how to get down." You know, I'm pretty confident that's not true. I could be wrong, but using context clues has served me pretty well in the past.

Also, I'm dying to get in on the action. Here are a few "party jams" for Gwyneth:
"Galang" — M.I.A.
"Galvanize" — The Chemical Brothers
"You Can't Do That To Me" — The Ettes
"Sour Cherry" — The Kills
"Dying In A Nightmare" — Ocean Ghosts
"Little Bitch" — The Specials
"Got To Give It Up" — Marvin Gaye
"Spitfire" — The Prodigy
"Have Love Will Travel" — The Sonics
"Peter Piper" — Run-D.M.C.


Important request

Today is the National Day of Prayer. It is also my birthday. Please stop praying, as my petty birthday wishes are being ignored. I want a record player, a trip to Belgium and the Netherlands and a real Guns N' Roses reunion.

That is all.


Welcome to the dollhouse

Oh, goody! It's my most favorite time of year! Time for People mag to put out their annual 50 Most Beautiful People issue! With all this depressing talk about job loss and foreclosure and swine flu, we need more images of attractive people to make us feel better. Enough with ugly people like Susan Boyle. (By the way, can you believe someone that looks like that has a talent? It's sort of like when Quasimodo came down from the bell tower to perform in the Festival of Fools...she's the Fools' Pope!)

OK, seriously...this shit is very timely because I'm mystified at all the rage over Susan Boyle. People are acting as if she's the most hideous person to ever walk the face of the earth. It's so ridiculous. I saw an article that said everyone loves Susan because she's proof that dreams can come true. Well, imagine that! It's as if she was deserving of an appearance-based ritual killing, like a Tanzanian albino. But then she sang, and proved to the world that she deserves to live. Hey, kids, dreams DO come true! Just less often for people who don't look like Frieda Pinto.

"It's what's on the inside that counts!" That feel-good message that's been trumpeted through the treetops to brokenhearted youngsters for ages is the biggest lie ever told. Susan Boyle's a great singer and seems like a very nice lady...but everyone's still just talking about how she looks. Kathy Bates is a fantastic Oscar-winning actress. So is Penelope Cruz. And all you hear about are their looks. Hillary Clinton, Sarah Palin, Nancy Pelosi...name any woman in politics and you probably know more about what they look like than the minutiae of their careers. Hillary has cankles—off with her head!

The Most Beautiful issue always sets me off. It makes me feel like Dawn Weiner. It's like People magazine barged in on me in a bathroom stall and I cry, "Why do you hate me, People?" and People responds, "Because you're ugly."

Naturally, we have the requisite breathless "Beauty at any age!" write-up. The People website actually says "Vanessa! Halle! Christie! These gorgeous gals prove that true beauty is timeless!" Why just look at Eva Mendes, age 35. "I'm not at all ashamed or frightened about showing my body," Eva tells People. She's so brave...an elderly gal like her posing nude! And how about Halle Berry, who is 42? "Sexiness is a state of mind—a comfortable state of being," she opines. "It's about loving yourself in your most unlovable moments." Wow, thanks, Halle! I'm sure being deemed one of People's 50 Most Beautiful every single year keeps you from committing suicide whenever you get a zit.

My personal favorite magazine feature is "Stars: They're just like us!" Because even the world's most beautiful have their ugly moments and beauty blunders, if you can believe that! Here's Miley Cyrus: "I had someone waxing my eyebrows and they literally tore a piece of skin off!" OMG! Thank Billy Ray they were able to cover the mess up for Miley's next photo shoot! Saved in the nick of time!

I bet you'll also be shocked to know that blood money socialite Kim Kardashian has bad hair days: "I saw this one [photo] where my hair just looks really awful. It was too flat. I'm really into volume and it was really ugly. I did it on my own, it was my first time trying to put in clip-in extensions. I can't deal with all that." Gee, Kim, my hair looks like that every day and I somehow have the audacity to leave the house and inflict my gnarly look on the general public. I feel better just knowing that Kim has experienced the exact same thing!

I'm not dumb...I get it. They sell mags by putting hot chicks on the cover. But enough with the pandering. These people are successful because of how they look, not in spite of it. Bea Arthur never made the list. Neither did one of my other favorite people in history: Eleanor Roosevelt. Eleanor was one of the most inspiring, accomplished, groundbreaking women ever, and she once said that her only regret in life was that she wasn't pretty.

There's really no point to this post, other than to vent a bit about something that's always gone on and will continue. And to bitch about how much I hate the 50 Most Beautiful People issue. It's like, gee, really? Blake Lively's pretty? Tell me all about it again. Then call me Weiner Dog and tell me my Special People Club is for retards.