Gwynnie has lost it

If you thought the last two posts on GOOP were crazy, wait until you read this. This shit is getting seriously weird. Chris Martin, if you're reading this, commit your wife as quickly as possible.

Truthfully, I'm not even sure what to say about Gwyneth's latest "newsletter"...for once I'm speechless. So I'm simply going to cut and paste the whole mess here for you to see for yourself. Pad your jaw so it doesn't hurt too much when it hits the floor.

I was having dinner with a dear friend of my godmother's, Marianne Williamson. For those of you not acquainted with Marianne, she's best known as an author, life advisor and spiritual activist. She radiates an almost golden aura that can make her quite intimidating to those who don't know her, but she's actually very down-to-earth and irreverent. On this particular evening, our conversation turned to holistic healing and home remedies. As it turned out, both of our families had passed many of the same old cure-alls from generation to generation. Some of these tried-and-true remedies I use on my own little ones when they get tummy aches or sore throats or fall and bruise their legs during play. Others are used to refresh tired skin or halt the spread of gray hairs. Marianne and I compiled a list to share some of our favorites. We hope these tips will help when you're in a pinch.

• Alcohol mixed with lemon juice and mint leaves can ease the sting of a sunburn.

• Raw garlic, when rubbed gently on the face, helps clear away blemishes and redness.

• To ease a sore throat and cough: grind up some pure mango bark (which can be found at many health-food stores), mix 1/3 cup with 2 tablespoons of sea salt, 1 teaspoon of honey and the juice and pulp from two fresh-squeezed organic oranges. Apply as a poultice to your chest and cover with a warm, damp towel.

• For headaches, try yogic kriyas like jalneti and kunjal.

• Drink five cups of organic chamomile tea in quick succession to stop the spread of poison ivy.

• Ear wax works wonders for cold sores—seriously! Be sure to use a cotton-tipped swab to apply directly to the affected area. This is also a very effective way to keep developing sores from forming completely.

• Keep a jar of mashed fenugreek leaves and pickled ginger in your refrigerator. When you feel nauseated, open the jar and breathe deeply.

• Sprinkle a mixture of linseed, epsom salt and bishop's weed around baby's crib to ward away diaper rash.

• Everyone knows that cucumber slices are wonderful for ridding the under-eyes of dark circles. Soak cosmetic puffs in Indian gooseberry juice and place them on top of the cucumber slices for faster healing.

• Dollop butter into your hair once a week for 45 minutes to ward off premature grays.

• Instantly cure a hangover by blending two cups of milk, one whole banana and a shot of tabasco sauce. Drink the mixture slowly to allow your body to absorb the nutrients.

• Chew 12 dandelions and wash them down with an 8 oz. glass of water mixed with baking soda and vinegar to ease the pain of a toothache.

• Tie a red silk ribbon around a potato and bury it in your vegetable garden. In three days, warts will disappear. This works best if the potato is buried near a cantaloupe plant.

• Add powdered sugar, whole papayas and Indian squill to ice-cold bath water and soak for 15 minutes. This will alleviate even the worst menstrual cramps.

• Nothing gets rid of varicose veins disappear faster than virgin's blood.

She's really lost it, like for real. I think I'm a little bit worried about Gwyneth...and Marianne Williamson is a very bad influence! I think she needs a Britney-style intervention. Time for her mother, celebrated actress Blythe Danner, to take over control of Gwynnie's assets!

P.S. If it wasn't totally obvious, I made all this shit up. Happy April Fool's Day, lovelies! Um, don't really do any of this stuff...if that isn't totally obvious, either.