Spring Fever induces vomiting

My head is spinning with all the lame news that has been building up. Instead of blogging about it, my instinct was to run to a corner to hug my knees and rock for a few weeks. But there's no avoiding it. No matter how hard I try, I must face reality and just get this shit out. So here goes:

• Hide the bayonets: Count Grishnackh has been paroled! It's true: after 16 years in the pokey and four parole rejections, not to mention additional time for stealing a station wagon, stockpiling weapons and attempting to make a run for it while he was on some kind of weekend leave, he's finally getting out. According to the Guardian, the Count plans to stay true to his word and move to a small farm in rural Norway and has also cut all his neo-nazi ties. "I look forward the day that I [can] work on my farm, create music, write books and be with the wife and kids around the clock—and live a normal life," he said.

Whatever...I want to hear more about this wife. Is she one of those chicks that really digs convicts and writes them and then marries them in prison? Like that lovely lady who snagged the catch known as the Night Stalker? I smell another post topic...

• Today, Phil Spector was charged with the second-degree murder of Lana Clarkson, aka Mrs. Vargas in Fast Times. This is very tragic, but the real crime here is Phil's hair. What in the holy hell is going on with Phil's frigging hair?? He showed up in court looking like this over the course of his trial, then today he shows up for the verdict with this festering on his head. Is it just me or does he kind of look like Roman Polanski with this 'do? And his makeup job looks like it was done by a coroner's assistant. Under-eye blush makes dead people look like they just came in from snowmobiling.

• In the least shocking news since, well, Phil Spector was convicted of second-degree murder, the oldest Duggar, Josh and his child bride Anna are expecting what will be the first grandchild born to the Duggar gaggle. You may remember Josh and Anna as the not-old-enough-to-drink-legally couple that used their wedding gift registry to request such necessities as a tortilla warmer and an iPod Touch. So it sounds like they must have put those 400-thread-count Egyptian cotton bedsheets to use, eh? Bow-chicka-wow-wow! These two claim they didn't even KISS until they were married. Isn't that so wholesome? They also have a whole bunch of new resources on their website, which I'm afraid is going to require a whole other post. Let's just say the "theatrical blockbuster" Fireproof, starring Kirk Cameron, gets a five out of five Jesus fish rating from these two.

Anyway, Josh and Anna called a family meeting back in February and "surprised" everyone with the news that Anna is knocked up. They were surprised? I don't even know these people and I predicted they'd pop a kid out nine months to the day of the wedding. OK, so I was a little off (she's due in October). The big surprise would be if these fertile bastards announce that god told them they have enough kids and to knock it the hell off already.

(Aside: If all the Duggar kids end up having 18 kids, there would be a grand total of 324 Duggar grandkids. Gross! They could possibly take over Wyoming.)

• Who's your vote for the weirdest couple of all time? Frank Sinatra and Mia Farrow? Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley? Anna Nicole Smith and that old guy? Whoever it is, this one's going to beat it: Smashing Pumpkins singer Billy Corgan and bisexual MySpace whore Tila Tequila. Yeah, you read that right. Billy Fucking Corgan and Tila Fucking Tequila.

Confession time: there was time that I adored Smashing Pumpkins. Gish, Siamese Dream, "Drown"...grunge-era SPs. Then, one by one, I started intensely hating each member of the band...D'arcy first, then Billy, then James Iha...until I almost can't even listen to the songs I like anymore for fear of promoting them in some small way. Billy Corgan is so dead to me that I want to reanimate him so I can make him dead to me again.

Well, that's about all I can take for now. Oh, I almost forgot! Jane's Addiction scheduled a show in Cowtown!! If you go, stop by and say hi. I'll be the one being carried out on a stretcher when "Ocean Size" starts up.

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