What's your damage, Gwynnie??

From now on when I blog about Gwyneth Paltrow, I'm going to illustrate the post with this picture of wet spinach for two reasons: 1) this looks like Gwynnie's dinner, and 2) Gwynnie is starting to remind me of wet spinach. Seriously, this chick is getting up in Britney territory for making it too easy to rip on her.

As an aside, I have to apologize that this blog has gone from all Britney all the time to all RoL all the time to all Paltrow all the time. Let's have a contest to guess who will be the next target of obsessive coverage. First prize is a subscription to GOOP!

I just have to discuss the latest "newsletter" from STOOP. It deals with a "spiritual concept" that Spinach Dip refers to as the Evil Tongue. Hey, I've heard of that! Heh, heh, heh!

Anyway, she begins this issue with a curious story about an old "frenemy" of hers whom she discovered was "pretty hell-bent on taking me down." Then one day, something very humiliating happened to this person and Gwynnie reacted to the unfortunate event with...a smug little shit-eating grin. But why, Gwynnie wondered, do people react with smiles and laughter when someone else physically or metaphorically falls down? And was this frenemy Spin Dip speaks of WINONA RYDER, by any chance?? Hmmm! Sure makes one stop and think for about one-eighth of a second!

To cleanse her soul, Spin Dip consulted some of her sages, including that Kabballah douchebag she's always blowing and some "zen master" (FOR REAL). Basically, they all spout some version of the same tired idea: people who are happy about others' misfortunes have low self-esteem and a need to build themselves up by spreading chaos instead of good vibes. As the RockitKing would say, "When you point a finger at someone, there are three fingers pointing back at you." So everyone should just stop being mean to Gwyneth because she is just trying to provide the world a service with her inconscionable musings.

Aww, poor little Spinach! Let the Kabballah man pet your soggy, mop-like hair! It really hurts when others get laughs at your expense. Big meanie bloggers are sitting around in their kitty-cat pajama pants and "What Would Joan Jett Do?" t-shirt eating Doritos Collisions and spewing hatred at someone just because they have money and privilege and write a stupid lifestyle newsletter!

Well, as Winona once said, "Lick it up, baby! LICK! IT! UP!"

I bet Gwynnie's still smiling now that Winona's career has been all but demolished thanks to her little sticky-fingered jaunt through Sak's. What's interesting is that I remember reading about how Spin Dip actually stole the script for Shakespere in Love from Wino's house and then snagged the role of Viola from under her former friend's coked-up nose. So, if that's true, that means Gwynnie actually may be responsible for Wino's downward spiral and subsequent pill addiction and shoplifting habit. My god, Paltrow's psychotic! She's actually built it up in her mind that Wino deserved all the failure in her life for some imagined attempt at bringing her down!

This is all pure speculation, of course, but if it's true, it's really all starting to add up. Gwyneth Paltrow is mentally unhinged. Mark my words: the next few STOOP newsletters are going to focus on topics that indirectly accuse people of plotting against the author and then gently reminding readers it is SHE who deserves the best in life.

Don't forget about something else Winona once said, Spin Dip: "I say we just grow up, be adults and die." Sounds like a good plan to me.