Welcome to the dollhouse

Oh, goody! It's my most favorite time of year! Time for People mag to put out their annual 50 Most Beautiful People issue! With all this depressing talk about job loss and foreclosure and swine flu, we need more images of attractive people to make us feel better. Enough with ugly people like Susan Boyle. (By the way, can you believe someone that looks like that has a talent? It's sort of like when Quasimodo came down from the bell tower to perform in the Festival of Fools...she's the Fools' Pope!)

OK, seriously...this shit is very timely because I'm mystified at all the rage over Susan Boyle. People are acting as if she's the most hideous person to ever walk the face of the earth. It's so ridiculous. I saw an article that said everyone loves Susan because she's proof that dreams can come true. Well, imagine that! It's as if she was deserving of an appearance-based ritual killing, like a Tanzanian albino. But then she sang, and proved to the world that she deserves to live. Hey, kids, dreams DO come true! Just less often for people who don't look like Frieda Pinto.

"It's what's on the inside that counts!" That feel-good message that's been trumpeted through the treetops to brokenhearted youngsters for ages is the biggest lie ever told. Susan Boyle's a great singer and seems like a very nice lady...but everyone's still just talking about how she looks. Kathy Bates is a fantastic Oscar-winning actress. So is Penelope Cruz. And all you hear about are their looks. Hillary Clinton, Sarah Palin, Nancy Pelosi...name any woman in politics and you probably know more about what they look like than the minutiae of their careers. Hillary has cankles—off with her head!

The Most Beautiful issue always sets me off. It makes me feel like Dawn Weiner. It's like People magazine barged in on me in a bathroom stall and I cry, "Why do you hate me, People?" and People responds, "Because you're ugly."

Naturally, we have the requisite breathless "Beauty at any age!" write-up. The People website actually says "Vanessa! Halle! Christie! These gorgeous gals prove that true beauty is timeless!" Why just look at Eva Mendes, age 35. "I'm not at all ashamed or frightened about showing my body," Eva tells People. She's so brave...an elderly gal like her posing nude! And how about Halle Berry, who is 42? "Sexiness is a state of mind—a comfortable state of being," she opines. "It's about loving yourself in your most unlovable moments." Wow, thanks, Halle! I'm sure being deemed one of People's 50 Most Beautiful every single year keeps you from committing suicide whenever you get a zit.

My personal favorite magazine feature is "Stars: They're just like us!" Because even the world's most beautiful have their ugly moments and beauty blunders, if you can believe that! Here's Miley Cyrus: "I had someone waxing my eyebrows and they literally tore a piece of skin off!" OMG! Thank Billy Ray they were able to cover the mess up for Miley's next photo shoot! Saved in the nick of time!

I bet you'll also be shocked to know that blood money socialite Kim Kardashian has bad hair days: "I saw this one [photo] where my hair just looks really awful. It was too flat. I'm really into volume and it was really ugly. I did it on my own, it was my first time trying to put in clip-in extensions. I can't deal with all that." Gee, Kim, my hair looks like that every day and I somehow have the audacity to leave the house and inflict my gnarly look on the general public. I feel better just knowing that Kim has experienced the exact same thing!

I'm not dumb...I get it. They sell mags by putting hot chicks on the cover. But enough with the pandering. These people are successful because of how they look, not in spite of it. Bea Arthur never made the list. Neither did one of my other favorite people in history: Eleanor Roosevelt. Eleanor was one of the most inspiring, accomplished, groundbreaking women ever, and she once said that her only regret in life was that she wasn't pretty.

There's really no point to this post, other than to vent a bit about something that's always gone on and will continue. And to bitch about how much I hate the 50 Most Beautiful People issue. It's like, gee, really? Blake Lively's pretty? Tell me all about it again. Then call me Weiner Dog and tell me my Special People Club is for retards.