11 Awesome creepy doll movies

"Who doesn't love ya, baby?"

As Halloween is on the horizon and the Frankenstorm bares down on us, I think it's the perfect time to take a look at one of the most reviled horror movie staples: the creepy doll. 

It's a wonder that kids aren't utterly terrified of Raggedy Ann & Andy with all of these dolls coming to life and killing people in the movies. They are supposed to bring joy to the little girls and boys, but they really just bring anxiety and fear. Like clowns.

All creepy doll movies have similar hallmarks:

• Nine times out of 10, the doll is possessed. The other one time, they're enacting revenge for mistreatment.
• The dolls always talk, even if they don't have strings.
• If the doll is moved or thrown away, it always comes back.
• Ventriloquist dummies are always the ones in control of the act.
• Every time the doll shows up, tinkly nursery rhyme music plays.
• If the doll is insulted or mistreated in any way, someone dies.

Today, I've listed my personal favorites for your enjoyment (I know I usually do 13 in my lists, but frankly, I've just about had it with creepy doll movies):

11. Child's Play (1988)

I love horror films where the killer says funny things before he slices and dices his/her victims in creative ways. Here are a few of the best lines from one of the most infamous creepy dolls in filmdom...Chucky:

"Goodnight, asshole." 

"You have a date with death." 

"You stupid bitch! I'll teach you to mess with me!" 

Lady: Ugly doll.  Chucky: Fuck you.

That Chucky...he's such a jerk!

Creep factor: 3

Hilarity factor: 10

10. Dead of Night (1945)

Why do ventriloquists in horror movies always sell their souls for a successful career? I mean, who really wants to be a professional ventriloquist that badly? Anyway, the doll portion doesn't come until the very end of the movie, so you'll have to wait a bit for it, and it's good in the meantime. I'm not sure if the puppeteer really sold his soul here, but he is definitely crazy and thinks the dummy is alive and operates completely under its' Svengali-like control...and it drives him to kill. 

Creep factor: 4

Hilarity factor: 7

9. Demonic Toys (1992)
This movie is actually really stupid (I know, crazy, right?), but is worth a watch for 1.) the man-eating teddy bear and 2.) the cussing baby doll who has more funny lines than Chucky, such as: "Hi, you fat fuck! I'm Baby Oopsy-Daisy, you lardass! Will you be my special friend?", "Mother of Satan!" and "You're heavy, you Moby fucking Dick!"
Creep factor: 1 (clown doll)

Hilarity factor: 6

8. Poltergeist (1982)

Everyone knows clowns are creepy. The only person in the world who probably likes clowns is someone like Mary Lou Retton, who I'm guessing likes everybody. The parents in this movie deserve the hauntings and the decomposing corpses in their swimming pool for buying their buck-toothed son a horrifying clown doll that he throws under his bed so he doesn't have to look at it. Of course, Bozo comes to life and tries to yank him under there, too. And then a tree comes to life and tries to eat him, his sister gets sucked into a closet and talks through the TV and a guy who looks like my elementary school guidance counselor claws his own face off. P.S. This movie is rated PG!

Creep factor: 7

Hilarity factor: 3 (the medium is kind of funny)

7. Dolls (1987)

This is one of those satisfying movies where all the awful people get creamed and the nice ones get a shiny, happy ending. It's also one of those satisfying horror movies with live-action animation of tiny dolls blocking the paths of full-grown adults, gang-tackling them and sawing them up with tiny weapons. The awful people in this one include two drifter chicks with fake British accents who are both sporting Boy Toy-era Madonna wear and a stick-in-the-mud stepmother in a turban and floor-length fur who signs her own death certificate by throwing a little girl's teddy bear away.

Creep factor: 3

Hilarity factor: 8

6. Magic (1978)

Anthony Hopkins' ventriloquist/magic act is a big hit, thanks mainly to the asshole persona of his dummy Fats. Burgess Meredith gets him his own TV show (which I hope is way better than that one guy with the puppets who is on Comedy Central all the time—he blows) and Hopkins freaks out because he's afraid of success. He takes off for some alone time in the Catskills with Ann-Margaret, but it soon becomes clear that Fats is far more than just a wooden creeper: HE'S ANTHONY HOPKINS HIMSELF. Or something like that. Anyway, it's really good and also very sad.

Creep factor: 6

Hilarity factor: 0

Someone opened the ark...and didn't look away!

5. Puppet Master (1989)
This straight-to-video classic features an incomprehensible "plot," a protagonist with feathered Robert Wagner hair and a cavalry of unforgettable living dolls, including:

• One with a tiny head, huge hands and brute strength
• Mr. Drill Head
• A lady doll who spits up leeches
• My personal favorite, Lil' Skullface, complete with a mini hook hand (see picture at left)!

There's also lots of doll throwing in this movie, which always makes me laugh at first because, come on...the doll is about 1/18th of your size and weighs as much as a pillow, and yet it's somehow overpowering you and eating your face off. But the laughter doesn't last long, because I know damn well what's coming next.
Creep factor: 0

Hilarity factor: 10

4. Dead Silence (2007)

The cast alone should make you want to see this one: True Blood's Ryan Kwanten as a widower who just has to find answers, Donnie Wahlberg as a wisecracking cop, Amber Valetta as a gold-digging socialite (the only role she ever plays) and the warden from Shawshank Prison as an aging fatcat. Despite lackluster reviews, I personally really enjoyed this fun romp that includes some some genuine humor and genuine scares (and a doll cemetery complete with little wooden coffins!!!).

Creep factor: 8

Hilarity factor: 8

3. "The Twilight Zone" (Episode 126; 1963) 

It's not a movie, but it's a classic. Telly Savalas threatens a talking doll by holding a match close to her, throwing her across the room, tossing her in a trash can and putting bricks on the lid, squishing her plastic head in a vice and running her neck through a ban saw. The doll doesn't take to kindly to Telly's torture. Her infamous (and awesome) response: "Hi, I'm Talky Tina and I'm going to KILL YOU!" 

Creep factor: 9

Hilarity factor: 8

2. Devil Doll (1964)

Here we go again with the career ventriloquists. In this film, the dummy Hugo helps his "master" The Great Vorelli become a sensation when he astounds audiences by actually getting off Vorelli's lap, walking to the front of the stage and greeting the crowd. The morons around Vorelli think he's really just an amazing magician, but the truth is MUCH. MORE. SINISTER. Hugo is a loose cannon and needs to be locked in a cage every night. Hugo and Vorelli even have a stand-off at a cocktail party where the dummy menaces the magician with a butter knife. It's a must-see for that scene alone.

Creep factor: 9

Hilarity factor: 9

The next person who recommends Pantene gets stabbed in the face.

1. Trilogy of Terror (1975)

The "zulu fetish doll" segment, starring the always awesome Karen Black, has the dubious honor of being both legitimately creepy and unabashedly hilarious. If the little zulu statue with the piranha-like teeth, itty-bitty spear and cat-on-a-fence-at-midnight screechings isn't fabulous enough, his "attacks" are even better. He pops out of the bathtub! He somehow manages to open a door, despite being about a foot tall! He jabs a steak knife under doors! He saws his way out of a suitcase! And of course (spoiler alert!) he wins in the end. They always do!

Creep factor: 10

Hilarity factor: 10,000

13 music world trends that need to die

The world of music can be a little bit like emptying a bag of cobras into the ball pit at Chuck E. Cheese. It's dangerous. Unpredictable. It might cause screaming and rioting. Some people might be bitten. Some might even die. The bottom line is: you never know what you're going to get. And if you get out in one piece, you might get to see a kickass animated show starring a robot lion dressed as Elvis.


This is a bad analogy to make the point that for every cool thing the music industry spawns, five shitty things come along with it. Nirvana makes it big and suddenly designers are sending models down the runway wearing $700 flannel shirts and 600-thread-count longjohns. It comes in cycles. And often such trends overstay their welcome.


So let's address the latest spate of dumbassery. With 2011 around the corner, it's time to turn the page bury these once and for all.

Actually, pimpin' really isn't that hard.

13. The sexyface/sideways scissor pose

Come on, do it. Give us your best Blue Steel and throw it up. Instant gangsta! Wut wut! Now you a straight-up pimp like Miley!

12. Trending band names

First, every band had a "The" name. Now every band has a name of two words that don't make sense together: Vampire Weekend, Arcade Fire, Gaslight Anthem, Neon Indian, Perfume Genius, Freelance Whales, Gold Panda, Best Coast... god, go back to "The" names already (except "The Black" anything).

11. Crossover duets

Take one long-eyelashed popstress, add a hip-hop thug in a backwards hat and you've got music gold. Better yet, throw them together in a "surprise" performance onstage at some music awards show and then release a single due to popular demand. See: Katy Perry and Snoop Dogg, Rihanna and Jay-Z, Janelle Monae and Big Boi, etc. (You know some enterprising wheeler-dealer somewhere is hammering away at securing a Taylor Swift/Kanye West duet.)

10. Horrible hairdon'ts

I know, this is obvious, but it has to be said. Whether it's asymmetrical emo, the Jewfro, the Bieber or one of the old "classics" like the Robert Smith, the Flock of Seagulls or the Let's Get Physical (feathered mullet with terrycloth sweatband, a la Mike Reno), the stupid haircuts are out of control. Sidebar to this no-no is weird facial hair, such as the braided beard and the Herman Mudgett turn-of-the-century mustache that seems to be making a comeback.

9. Bands with more than six people in them

If you're not a freestyle jazz odyssey combo, then there's no need to have 50 fucking people on stage. Your indie band does not need a violin, trumpet, mandolin, dulcimer, cello, accordion, bagpipes, a pan flute, clarinet, mouth harp, regular harp, theremin and a gong.

8. Thinking Karen O, Beth Ditto and Hayley Williams are awesome

Karen O. is so cool! Beth Ditto is so confident! Hayley Williams is so hot! No. Karen O. is ridiculous and has a ridiculous haircut. Beth Ditto is fat. Hayley Williams is Ashlee Simpson in an orange wig. Yes, I'm being catty.

7. Mentioning "haters"

This includes the phrase, "Haters gonna hate."


6. Giving reality stars music deals
Kim Kardashian is releasing an album. In fact, she actually also violated #11 recently by allegedly recording a duet with Kanye West. Heidi Montag released an album that sold less than 1,000 copies. Two Real Housewives released songs called "Tardy for the Party and "Money Can't Buy You Class." I'm looking forward to the Billy the Exterminator album myself. If he does a kind of Kid Rock thing, I'm totally sold.

5. "Cute" tattoos

There was a time not too long ago when having a tattoo was really shocking. Like, only bikers and ex-cons had them. Then, heavy metal came along. Slowly but surely, everyone started getting them. Now you see people with Pooh Bear, Hello Kitty, Tinkerbell and every other cutesy comic character you can think of. What are these people thinking? Imagine your grandma in a nursing home with a giant picture of Tigger on her leg. Or your great uncle with Voltron on his flabby chest.

4. Clever musical versions of cheesy songs
OK, we get it. A high school choir singing an a capella version of "Toxic" is funny. Theater geeks dancing around to Whitesnake is high camp. "Don't Stop Believin'" is hilariously corny and needs to be in every grand finale music montage. I'm going to say it: I'm sick of "Don't Stop Believin'". The usage in The Sopranos finale was perfect. However, since then, the song has shown up on American Idol, Glee, America's Got Talent and a new Chipmunks album. It's also the grand finale in the Broadway show Rock of Ages. Sorry. Should have prefaced that with a spoiler alert.

3. Not giving credit where it's due
I love Gaga and all, but the queen of provocative stage outfits is Wendy O. Williams. Ke$ha, Grace Jones did that face paint thing first. Hell, Adam Ant did it before you. And Prince did the symbol letter replacement already, too.

2. Child singers

With the success of the unfortunately named Willow Smith's unfortunately named song "Whip My Hair," not to mention Beiber, Demi Lovato, Camp Rock and all the child beauty pageant shows, I fear there's a boom around the bend. Because when a "singer" hits it big as a youngster, they always grow up into such successful, well-adjusted adults. Isn't Leif Garrett on the new Celebrity Rehab?

1. Hipsters
Let's take a little quiz, shall we? Do you possess any of the following items?

I put it on my gold card.

• Giant nerd glasses (regular or sun) with yellow plastic frames
• Ironic Spandex
• A Chuck Klosterman book
• Rodman-era Pistons jersey
• Nordic hat with earflaps (extra points for pom-pom on top)
• An animal skull
• Yassir Arafat scarf
• Messenger bag with shoulder strap
• A floppy beanie
• Rollie cigarettes
• Stan Getz's Getz/Gilberto, Wilco's Yankee Hotel Foxtrot and Outkast's Stankonia on vinyl (must be at least two of the three)
• Facial hair that makes you look like the dad from The Wilderness Family
• A collarbone tattoo
• White belt
• Myra Hindley hairstyle in any color
• Liberal arts degree
• Requiem for a Dream on DVD
• Stripey rainbow socks (extra points if they have toes)
• 16 oz. can of PBR
• Native American headdress
• Moon boots

 Do you regularly have any three of these items on your person? If not, you're OK.


If so, then die hipster scum.

13 worst uses of rock in commercials

Advertising agencies are fucking stupid. The evidence is in our faces for at least seven minutes of every half-hour of television we watch. What's most infuriating is blatant cluelessness about the music that's used to illustrate a product.

Behind every dumbass commercial is some fatcat telling the marketing minions that he/she heard about this cool song that really might speak to the kiddies like, for example, "All You Need Is Love" and wouldn't that be perfect to use in our new commercial for Luvs diapers? Get it?? Love = Luvs!

"But boss," the minions say. "That's a classic song that the legendary and beloved John Lennon wrote as an inspired simple message to be understood by all cultures and nationalities."

"Fuck that!" Big Boss says, slamming a chubby fist down on the conference room table. "This song is perfect for telling people what diaper to use to catch their baby's rancid shit! MAKE IT HAPPEN!"

And so it goes in advertising boardrooms across America. And speaking of rancid shit, check out these 13 sad examples of horrid usage of rock n' roll in advertising.

13. Lynyrd Skynyrd's "Sweet Home Alabama" for KFC
Because the K in KFC doesn't stand for Alabama.

12. Lynyrd Skynyrd's "Simple Man" for Busch
Imagine writing a song in honor of your beloved grandmother who has just passed away and the valuable life advice she bestowed on you while she was living. Now imagine your grandmother's legacy being visually illustrated by a bottle opener prying the cap off of a bottle of cheap, watered-down beer, a horse rearing up in front of a snow-covered mountain and a breathy disembodied voice gasping, "Busssschhhhhhh." OK, you're right...it's actually pretty awesome.

11. Jane's Addiction's "Jane Says" for Jack Daniel's
When I kick back with a nice refreshing fifth of JD, I like to think about the simple pleasures in life: good friends, good music, good liquor and good old-fashioned prostitution. And heroin addiction. Ahh, good times...

10. The Smiths' "How Soon Is Now?" for Nissan Maxima
Whoever thought it was a good idea to use a Smiths song in any commercial does not deserve to live. This example is particularly embarrassing. According to this ad, the Nissan Maxima offers 45 square feet of leather, seven Bose stereo speakers and zero cars like it. But according to the song, if you drive this car to a club in the hopes of meeting someone cool, you're just going to end up standing alone, leaving alone and going home to cry and consider suicide.

9. Jefferson Airplane's "Volunteers" for E*Trade
What is the opposite of "sticking it to the man"? A song with the lyrics "One generation got old / One generation got sold / This generation got no destination to hold" being used to advertise online stock trading and investing. To make matters worse, E*Trade is the same company that makes those hideous talking baby ads. The newest one has two infants taking a red-eye home from a bachelor party in Vegas. Do I need to say more? I hope not, because I'm about to throw my Putey out the window.

8. Bow Wow Wow's "I Want Candy" for Old Navy
"I want Christmas to come early!" "I want khakis, cords and cargos for $15!" "I want a 14-year-old to sing about blowing a guy she just met at the beach!" "Yaaaaaaay, we got everything we wanted at Old Navy!"

7. Creedence Clearwater Revival's "Fortunate Son" for Wrangler Jeans
The usage of "Fortunate Son" in a commercial that seems to be about patriotism is the perfect example how out of touch stodgy advertising execs are with reality. However, to their credit, Wrangler stopped using the song in the commercial when John Fogerty expressed his displeasure with his anti-war song being used to shill pants. Who the hell wears Wrangler jeans anymore anyway? I didn't even know they were still being made!

6. Cat Stevens' "If You Want to Sing Out, Sing Out" for T-Mobile
This one holds a special place in my craw because Harold & Maude is one of my favorite movies. The song is played when Maude is encouraging Harold to embrace life and says, "Everyone has the right to make an ass out of themselves. You just can't let the world judge you too much." That's not necessarily what I think of when I see Whoopi Goldberg, Phil Jackson, Jesse James and a slew of former SNL castmembers showing me what awesome things they can do with fucking smartphone apps. Because they're all making asses out of themselves and I'm judging them a hell of a lot.

5. Led Zeppelin's "Rock and Roll" for Cadillac
When I was growing up Caddys were the cars rich, white, old people drove. The were huge, boat-like vehicles that gave you the weird sensation of floating down the street like you were in a hovercraft. Now, suddenly, the kids think Caddys are cool. Apparently, the company is now running with that and trying to appeal to them with devil music. Too bad the song they chose isn't actually about music at all. Oldsters: "Been a long time since I rock n' roll" is Satan's code for "been a long time since I've gotten some ass." In other words, the back seat of your cars aren't seeing as much action as an '84 Camero. Sorry. But it does give the tagline "Break through" a whole new meaning.

4. The Beatles' "Revolution" for Nike
In 1987, Michael Jackson gave Nike the right to use The Beatles' anthem about political upheaval in the late '60s in a commercial about shoes. To illustrate the cluelessness behind this travesty, the line "When you're talking 'bout destruction" plays over footage of John McEnroe throwing a temper tantrum. The surviving Beatles sued and settled out-of-court; Yoko approved; Me Generation wins.

3. Janis Joplin's "Mercedes Benz" for Mercedes Benz
This commercial is the ultimate in irony: a song written about materialism and consumerist culture that places too much emphasis on labels and status symbols used to advertise the very label-whore status symbol it derides. The British version I've linked to here shows a whole world of average joes waiting on buses, working on construction jobs, commuting to work, rocking babies to sleep and even herding sheep using the song's "Oh lord, won't you buy me a Mercedes Benz" as an actual prayer to the magical sky fairy to bless their sad little blue-collar lives with an overpriced luxury vehicle.

2. The Rolling Stones' "Brown Sugar" for Pepsi
An ad released in the late '90s featured an animated housefly sipping some spilled Pepsi...and singing a song about whipping and raping black slaves. Nothing more needs to be said about that one.

1. Iggy Pop's "Lust For Life" for Royal Caribbean
Because nothing says family fun on the open seas like a song about shooting up. All aboard the junkie cruise, everyone! Mom's going to go turn a few tricks in the galley and Dad's going to blow the captain on the lido deck to get their fix! Here, little Timmy, have some liquor and drugs and a flesh machine before climbing the rock wall! I'd like to think that Iggy is laughing all the way to the bank, but who knows in an era that saw Dennis Hopper in ads for Ameriprise and the Gap.

13 biggest douchebags of 2009

Ah, the year-end list. If it isn't reduced to list format, it didn't happen in the last 12 months. Today, we're covering the biggest morons of 2009. It's hard to narrow it down...and it's also hard to not feel like I'm not helping to make folk heroes out of jerks. There's no such thing as bad publicity? Probably true. But I still wouldn't want the whole world to hate me.

13. John Mayer
If I used John Mayer's music as a guide, I'd probably view him along the lines of a James Blunt/Chris Martin-style purveyor of mush pablum. But I also know from the tabs that he's a manwhore who thinks Jennifer Aniston is the classiest broad on the face of the earth, and I know from Twitter that he thinks he's fucking hilarious. He posted "ad Tweets" on his account as some kind of brilliant social experiment. For example, one said "Guys, I just had an amazing soup by Campbell's, Steak and Potato. See all of the great varieties of hearty soups." Don't get this guy in a prank war with Kutcher...the Twitterverse might blow up.

12. Kanye West
WHY CAN'T THE PUBLIC LEAVE KANYE ALONE?????? C'MON...WHO AMONG US WOULDN'T LOVE TO GUZZLE A BOTTLE OF HENNESSY AND INTERRUPT A GOODY-GOODY POPSTRESS TO SING THE PRAISES OF BEYONCE?????? ROCKITQUEEN WOULD LOVE TO DO THAT!!!!! ROCKITQUEEN ALSO LOVES TO SPEAK IN THE THIRD PERSON AND TYPE IN ALL CAPS AND OVERUSE PUNCTUATION!!!!! WHY CAN'T Y'ALL JUST LET ROCKITQUEEN BE GREAT?????? OH WAIT, THIS IS ABOUT KANYE!!!! IMMA LET YOU FINISH, KANYE!!!!

11. Gwynnie
Because we can't have a list of douches without mentioning our old friend Wet Spinach, although I think someone over at GOOP shot her up with tranqs because the newsletter has been relatively tame of late.

10. Dov Charney
I really want to like this guy because he employs American Apparel clothing constructors at a decent, livable wage, provides good benefits and makes all the clothes in the U.S. However, his epic skeevery outshines any good deeds this clothing mogul has done. It's hard to decide what's worse: his crimes against his employees (he has countless sexual harassment suits against him and regularly fires workers he finds unattractive) or his crimes against fashion. This is the guy who tries to push gold spandex unitards, scrunchies and neon green disco shorts paired with legwarmers as hot looks. TODAY. Not in an Olivia Newton John video. Unacceptable on all counts.

9. Carrie Prejean
Carrie identifies herself as a godly person, talking the talk with the most pious of them. But when it comes to walking the walk, well, just take a look at the likes of Rush Limbaugh, Ted Haggard and 99.9% of Republicans to see where this is headed. It's not that she came out of the closet as a dissenter of same-sex marriage at the Miss Universe pageant—she's entitled to her opinion. But poor little Care-care believes she's being discriminated against for being conservative...because people disagree with her. And then it then all comes pouring out that not only did the pageant pay for her boob job, but she also made some naughty little solo fuck tapes for the benefit of her boyfriend. And she says Larry King is inappropriate...

8. Kirk Cameron/Ray Comfort (tie)
You may remember Kirk as Mike Seaver, best friend to Eddie and Boner on the '80s supersitcom Growing Pains. Or you may remember him as one of the most popular poster boys in such literary journals as Bop, The Big Bopper and Tiger Beat around 1986-87. And if you have no life (like me) you may also remember him switching bodies with Dudley Moore in the oft-forgotten teen classic Like Father, Like Son (also starring a post-Goonies, pre-Rudy Sean Astin as "Trigger"). And if you really have no life (like me), you may remember him in the horrible kid-from-the-wrong-side-of-the-tracks-joins-snobby-college-debate-team romance Listen to Me, opposite Jami Gertz. You may also know that Kirk has gone on to become a smug psycho Christian. He and his protheliser-in-crime Ray Comfort recently visited college campuses to hand out copies of Darwin's Origin of Species with their own little intro about how Darwin was a nazi and, actually, goddidit. Let's see: brilliant naturalist with years of tireless research under his belt or star of the WB's Kirk!...who should we listen to? Here's a hint: it's not the one who calls a banana the "athiest's nightmare."

7. Kate Gosselin
Kate reminds me of my bipolar ex-boss. Big shudder. They're both obsessive-compulsive, have weird haircuts, fight incessantly with their lazy husbands, and have prissy, stupid faces. But Kate and her family have somehow become (in)famous, which means we have to hear "her side of the story" on every news outlet for every little issue from her money problems to her tummy tuck. All I can say is thank god I don't have to see ex-boss everywhere talking about this stuff.

6. Spiedi
Who are these people? And why are they constantly on magazine covers and on TV? Is there anyone out there that actually demands to see or read more on these two?

5. Octomom
If you ask me what annoys me the most about Nadya Suleman, I'm hard-pressed to choose just one thing (although the way she says "babies" is really close to the top). There are just so many other things to choose from. She uses herself as a human petri dish and uses student loan money and state handouts to fund it. Her own parents think she's a raving lunatic. She yells and screams at the help. She's got that weird Angelina Jolie obsession. The best part of the whole debacle so far was when the paps filmed her 2-year-old kid slapping her in the face and calling her a bitch. The whole world is with you, kid. The whole world is with you.

4. Everyone behind Megan Wants a Millionaire
Bleach blonde golddigging skank-slash-Rock of Love reject? Check.
Seventeen "millionaires" vying for the love of/chance to buy stuff for said skank? Check.
Background checkers to make sure none of the millionaires have the potential to marry a Vegas stripper mere days after meeting her, brutally kill her and pull all her teeth out so she won't be identified, stuff her in a suitcase and throw it in a trash bin, drive to Canada and hang himself on a coat rack in a no-tell motel? Oops!

3. The entire Heene family
Sadly, one of the iconic images of the year is of that giant flying Jiffy Pop bag sailing over Colorado. And that stupid balloon had more personality, brains and connection to reality than the family that built it.

2. Jon Gosselin
I actually had some sympathy for Jon at one point in my life. Kate is such a cunty shrew! But now, every time I see the latest paparazzi pic of Jon slouching around New York in a bedazzled Ed Hardy shirt (or is it Quacker Factory?), he looks more and more like a sagging globule of protoplasm with greasy spikes on top of it and I hate myself for having ever felt for him. Gawker Media recently named Joe Francis the biggest douchebag of the decade (and yay for them), but Jon is certainly in the running to win the award for fastest flunky-to-douche transformation of the last several years. It's like watching your dad going through a really uncomfortable midlife crisis. One that includes hanging out with fellow slimebag Michael Lohan.

1. Chris Brown
The only person who could beat out the Gosselin is someone who beat the tar out of pop princess Rihanna, which everyone got to see via that horrifying photo. If that wasn't enough to make him ass of the year, he then proceeds to go on a national TV tour in freaking bow ties and Mr. Rogers sweaters to practice his sad face and say he's sowwwy about "what went down." Hey, Chris, "what went down" is that you brutally beat your girlfriend (who by the way handled the tragic situation with a very mature sense of responsibility), yet somehow you seem to view yourself as the victim. Then, to dig your career grave to exactly six feet, you publicly call out Oprah the Great for not supporting you, sensitively referring to her dis as "a slap in the face". As of this posting Chris is on approximately appearance #12 on the Bow Tie Apology Tour, which he's on to promote his new album. Time to go away forever, fuckface. Thank you, and good-bye.

13 scariest celeb stage parents

I've been gone for a minute, but now I'm back with the jump-off. Seriously, work's been crazed and I got out of town for a bit, but now I'm back and ready to bitch! Did you miss me? I totally missed you!

So for my first topic in a while...it seems Hollywood parents have been in the news lately, what with the new Bonnaduce show and all the hubbub about Living Lohan. Plus, it's seedy and sleazy and everyone likes to make fun of them. So I thought I'd do a little research into this crazy world and choose the craziest ones I could find. Since it's been a while, let's get to it!

13. Leslie Panettiere
I hate this bitch and I don't really know why. OK, I DO know why. She's sort of like a Dina Lohan—totally glomming on to her marginally-talented daughter Hayden's success and getting plastic surgery, hamming it up in huggy pics with her daughter, posing on the red carpet and obviously wishing some casting agent would say, "You know, Hayden's good, but what we really want is YOU!"

12. Teri Shields
Teri shoved daugher Brooke in front of the camera before she was even one. By the time she was 13, Brooke was doing her first nude scene with Mom's approval. "I knew it would be tasteful," says Teri. "Anybody who calls it child pornography has not seen the damn thing. I don't mind Brooke being called a sex symbol. But nymphet and Lolita rub me the wrong way." Although still close with Brooke, Teri drinks like a fish and is known in Hollywood as a ball-breaking meddler.

11. Duncan Nutter
Never did anyone live up to their name as well as Nutter. He's a man on a mission like you've never seen before. And his mission is break himself, his wife and all seven of his kids into showbiz, no matter how much they resist. Nutter's obsession drove him to pack the family up from a comfortable five-bedroom home and cram them into a two-bedroom NYC apartment and then force them to go to auditions, all of which was documented on the Bravo classic Showbiz Moms & Dads. His children seemed to regard him with a sort of amused indifference and completely ignored the fact that's he's obviously gay. It all made him the most memorable stage parent kook on a show full of really memorable stage parent kooks.

10. Wanda Holloway
Wanda would be higher, but no one actually died. Yep, she's the infamous Texas cheerleader murdering mom, known for taking out a hit on the mother of her daughter's cheerleading rival in the early '90s. Wanda served six months in prison and is presumably still fulfilling her 1,000 hours of community service. Two movies were made about the brouhaha (and frankly, I always liked Leslie Ann Warren's Wanda better than Holly Hunter's). Oh, and even after all that, her daughter still didn't make the squad. Way to go, idiot! After everything I did for you!

9. Lynne Spears
Remember when Lynne and Britney used to be best friends and they would go tanning together and Britney would buy Lynne a new Mercedes every Mother's Day and they would co-authored that horrible novel about how a mother's love can help naive little kuntry girls with big dreams make it in the backstabbing flesh factory that is Hollywood? And remember when Lynne got a book deal to share parenting tips right around the time her 16-year-old daughter got knocked up and her other daughter was admitted to the psych ward for holding her two toddlers hostage? That was awesome.

8. Jeff Archuleta
I don't watch American Idol and I don't know anything about this guy, but as I was doing a little research for this post, his name kept popping up. Apparently, he was banned from the backstage area on Idol and when his son David appeared on Star Search, Naomi Judd called him the worst stage dad she'd ever seen. So you know...that's pretty bad.

7. Robin Browne
Living Dolls is the best child pageant queen documentary ever and it's all because of Swan Brooner. Swan, a five-year-old mini-pageanteer, displays the heroism of a war hero for not ripping the face off of her harpy drill sergeant mom-coach. Robin smokes intensely and screams at little Swan for turning too fast on the runway. She sprays Swan with cans and cans of Aqua Net and screams at her when she winces. She trowels enough makeup to supply an army of drag queens on Swan's face and screams at her if she messes it up. She spends thousands of dollars on mini Cache outfits to costume Swan in and screams at her when she doesn't smile appropriately. (I know that Robin died a few years ago, and it's unclear if Swan, who is probably about 13 now, continues to do pageants. My guess is that she's planning to join the Army for a break.)

6. Dina Lohan
Poor Dina...the press just won't leave her and her nice little family alone. They keep following them around and spreading lies and accusing her daughter of being a lesbo and making Dina look like a party animal stage mom who pimps out her kids for profit and takes them out to parties and snorts coke off toilet seats, allowed Linds to star in I Know Who Killed Me, etc. So what would any good parent do to help shield their children from teh interrogation-room lights of the cameras and stop the papers from cruelly judging and telling lies about their lives? Star in an E! Television reality show, that's what! Come on, Dina had no other choice! Oh, and she also refers to herself as the White Oprah, whatever the fuck that means...

5. Michael Lohan
The only thing worse than a drug-addicted, ex-con media whore stage parent is a drug-addicted, ex-con media whore stage parent who's found god. Mike won't pass up a chance to flap his gums about Lindsay and Dina's antics and who they're going to have to answer to when their livers finally give out. He even calls up Perez Hilton to offer "exclusives" on how many martinis Linds had at lunch or how horrible Dina is for exploiting their kids. I'd almost feel sorry for the Lohan kids if they weren't such a bunch of annoying sub-talented debu-brats.

4. Joe Simpson
Is there an FBI task force watching this guy? Because I'm sure a quick dig in his backyard will uncover a pit filled with the bodies of girls who mysteriously went missing after going to an "audition." He infamously made leering jokes about his own daughter's double-D boobies and talked endlessly about her promise to remain committed to Daddy and not let anyone touch her vagina until she got married. Then his other daughter got knocked up pre-nuptials by a girl-man.

3. Jaid Barrymore
It's easy to forget that the goofball flower child Drew Barrymore of today was an alcoholic and pothead at 10 and a champion eight-baller by 13. That was in no small part thanks to her mom Jaid who regularly took her young daughter out partying in the seedy underbelly of New York and LA (they were regulars at Studio 54) and exposed her to the likes of Paul Stanley and Halston. Now estranged from her mother, Drew once posed for Playboy several months before Mommy followed suit.

2. Kit Culkin
A former stage actor, Kit infamously projected his failed dreams onto his kids and ruined everyone's lives in the process. He demanded and threatened, overworked and mentally abused his little cash cow Macaulay and alienated pretty much all of Hollywood. Mac eventually took Dad to court to get control of his millions, then got married and divorced and now continues to act (well and in good movies like Saved and Party Monster) and dates That '70s Show cutie Mila Kunis. Still doesn't excuse the fact that his father allowed him to spend the night with Michael Jackson. Which brings us to...

1. Joe Jackson
We only need to look to the one and only Wacko Jacko to see the damage a stage parent can do. Just watch The Jacksons: An American Dream to get the scoop on Joe. It sometimes airs on VH1 and stars Freddie "Boom Boom" Washington as Joe. Anyway, Joe worked The Jackson Five to death, mentally, physically and sexually (according to LaToya during her really crazy years) abused them, fucked all kinds of groupies basically in front of his wife, and drove Michael to get all that freakshow plastic surgery (at least according to Michael in that infamous Martin Bashir documentary). But according to Jacko, his dad has "really mellowed out a lot."

Well, this post just went from pathetic to depressing. Aren't you glad I'm back?

13 Dumbest "Therapies"

You know what word I hate? Wellness. I'm sick as a dog right now. I just want to hack up a lung and get it over with if that's going to make me feel better.

Wellness has been haunting me lately. It's everywhere! Once it's in the forefront of your mind, you can't get away from it. You'll see what I mean in the next week or so. And I'll apologize in advance.

This term has become a substitute for the word health, but with a pretentious "holistic" twist. It's thrown about liberally when discussing such crankery as holistic medicine, chiropractic care, and other pseudosciences. Other favorite words of holistic practitioners include energy, chakra, toxins, cleansing, balance, healing, vibrations, purification and all-natural. Typically, we're tantalized with the promise of ancient healing secrets that the Chinese have known about for centuries and laugh and laugh because stupid Western scientists can't figure them out.

There are two types of people who offer these kinds of services: 1.) people who honestly think what they are doing is working as a "complimentary medicine" to actual medical care, and 2.) con artists who take advantage of naive and desperate people who want a cure for the incurable. Take a look at these two, for example: Alex and Rebecca Rogan. After you've stopped laughing at their ridiculous "Endless Love, Endless Lives" potrait and tagline, take a look at their "qualifications" to help you be a healthier, happier spiritual being—certified hypnotherapist, past life therapist, chakra balancing, crystal healing, biofeedback specialist, craniosacral therapist, transpersonal hypnotherapist, clinical herbologist, "Angel healer practicioner," soul-mind therapy, etc., etc., ad nauseum. Oh, and they're also certified California real estate agents! Alex and Becca do it all!

How the fuck do you become certified in past life therapy? Or any of this stuff?
Instructor: OK, Alex, now that you've finished all your bookwork, it's time for hands-on training. Tell me about my past lives.
Alex: Hmmm (thinks). You were a slave to Julias Cesar, a nameless beggar in Bangladesh and Adolf Hitler.
Instructor: Terrible job! No certification!
Alex: You were a soldier during the Roman empire, a wealthy plantation owner and Winston Churchill.
Instructor: Congratulations! You are a certified past-life therapist!

You'll also notice at the bottom of their page is the disclaimer: "Wellness Therapies does not replace orthodox medicine rather integrate and enhance. It is also illness prevention therapy. We do not diagnosis nor prescribe drugs." Wow, from all their certifications and shit I figured they'd be able to reanimate the dead. So does that mean that all these "certifications" are fake?? In that case, I want to make up my own certifications. Can I be a Licensed Rockologist Or a Certified Free Trip to Rome-ist? Hey, I could be both! Dame Dr. RockitQueen, LR, CFTR, Esq.

Just to give you more of an idea of what kind of other bullshit is out there, I've compiled the following list of some of the stupidest "treatments", "therapies" and "healing" methods I've run across. While the methods I've listed here are all essentially harmless (if you don't count the harm it does to your bank account), I'd like to note that there are many more, some of which are very harmful and even deadly. I highly recommend the Quackwatch family of websites to learn more. Don't be a victim of wellness! We're all a bunch of diseased freaks and we need to learn to live with that.

13. Reiki
Reiki is the practice of channeling energy from the universe to make someone, or yourself, feel awesome. All you have to do is put your hands on or anywhere near your victim and look appropriately spiritual. Reiki is also known as "theraputic touch" or "jacking off." If you learn anything about reiki, just know that the key is in the happy ending.

12. Emotional Freedom Technique
Feeling down? Depressed? Full of anxiety? Afraid of heights? Addicted to love? Got post-traumatic stress? Any kind of stress? Then place your fingers just beneath your eyes and tap. Then tap your eyebrows and then your temples. Just tap-tap-tap in the exact sequence your EFT therapist tells you. Then roll your eyes, hum a few bars, think happy thoughts, and...viola! You have "tapped" into wellness! Yaaayyyyy!

11. Craniosacral therapy
You know how when some dudes decide to shave their heads, they don't take into account how lumpy their noggins might be and are suprised to discover that their new hairless pate looks like the surface of Mars? What they also don't know is that those lumps and bumps on their heads are evidence of emotional or physical trauma that is impeding their aching bodies from healing themselves. The solution is to have a therapist rub your head twice a week until the stressful twist your body has gotten itself in can straighten out. For $150 a session.

10. Konoki foot pads
You've probably seen these ads on TV, which feature someone sticking what looks like a regular gauze bandage to the bottom of their feet and then, after a time lapse, ripping them off to reveal disgusting black shit that has allegedly been sucked out of their body. From what I've heard, the foot pads work even better if you've been walking around barefoot, preferably outdoors and in a muddy environment. The claim is that "distilled bamboo vinegar" draws grody toxins out of your body when you wear the foot pads overnight. But since the skin is not permeable, I'm guessing it's something else. Satan maybe? Yes, that's what it is. The dirtier your pads are, the more you've been sinnin'.

9. Iridology
If the eyes are the window to the soul, then surely they are also the window to all your emotional baggage, ingrown toenails and tummyaches. Proponents of this "therapy" claim that you can tell what's physically and emotionally wrong with you based on the colors and patterns in your eyeballs. So if you have a brown spot in one of your irises, that means you have gastrointestial problems or something. What isn't explained is what happens if the patient is blind. Or if they're just nearsighted...will that show up in the eye patterns, too? And do they have to do that puff test to find out? God, I hate that fucking puff test.

8. Laser stop smoking
There's a local commercial that airs here in Cowtown promoting this weirdness. It shows the "doctor" sticking a laser pointer into the ear of her victim. I know what you're thinking: how in god's name is this supposed to help someone stop smoking? By targeting "energy points" on your hands, nose, ears and wrists to release endorphins, of course! Duh! Everyone knows that endorphin release is the key to curing a nicotine addiction. The Columbus program boasts a 55% success rate...and with those odds, who wouldn't want to shell out $400 a session?

7. Ayurvedic therapy
This is one of those quack therapies that claims to be "ancient Chinese secret." I've included it on this list because the explainations on how it works are so drawn out and convaluted that you would probably have to achieve total nirvana just to understand. Everything means something and is connected to some god. Oh, also there's some kind of "cleansing ritual" that involves boiling milk and cow's urine twice. If you can read about this and understand it, then more power to you. Frankly, I think the whole thing just talks in circles until you've spent all your money and suddenly realize that you don't get it either.

6. The Chi Machine
This has nothing to do with the Deftones' bass player. It's actually a little vibrator that you stick your feet on that's supposed to help with "lymphatic drainage" and put your chi back in order or some shit. Some makers will try to have you believe that it's a "passive exerciser", like one of those belts that is supposed to shimmy your fat off that Bugs Bunny uses. Here's what the Chi Machine can do for you:
• Temporarily relieve minor muscle aches, pain and tension caused by fatigue or overexertion
• Temporarily increases local blood circulation
• Relaxes muscles locally
• Relieve vertebra joint pressure
• Promotes a sense of well being
You know what else does this? Vikes. And they're FDA approved.

5. Ear candling/ear coning
So you have a little bit of an earache. Maybe it's waxy buildup, maybe it's an inner ear infection...either way, it's annoying and you just want it to go away. What's a person to do? Forget visiting the doc and getting some eardrops or antibiotics. Let's jam a hollow, lit candle in there and let the heat and dripping wax somehow magically pull the "toxins" out of one of the most delicate and easily damaged areas of the body. Allegedly, when you pull the special little ear-toxin collection cone off the bottom of the candle, it's supposed to be filled with wax. Big shockeroo! It's a fucking candle!

4. Q-Ray bracelets
If you pay a visit to the Q-Ray website, you will learn that this product is worn by people with active lifestyles, features an exclusive design and should not be worn by people allergic to metal. What you won't learn is what this magical bracelet is supposed to do for you because the makers of Q-Ray have been gagged from making medical-related claims that are unfounded. Originally, the manufacturers claimed that the bracelet could cure cancer pain, improve athletic ability and make you feel more energetic. However, a lawsuit alleging false advertising mysteriously caused these awesome attributes to disappear. Poor Q-Ray! It's like the Superman of jewelry—no one ever sees it in the same room with the people it's helped...

3. E-meter
(See picture above): "The oddball apparatus is called an E meter, and Travolta uses it every day. He and fellow Scientologists Tom Cruise, Nicole Kidman, and Kirstie Alley say the lie-detector-like machine measures mental anguish. The faithful claim it's so sensitive, it can pick up the pain a human feels when pricked by a nail. 'You hold two metal rods in your hands, and an experienced teacher can tell from the movements of the needles on the meter where the problem is in your body and soul,' Travolta told the German magazine STERN. 'I use it every day, at home or in the celebrity center in Hollywood. I also take a machine with me with I'm on location. It's a religious device and I enjoy it. I'm always totally refreshed by it. And, luckily, it doesn't have gaydar!'"

2. Leech therapy
So a few weeks ago, I see the following headline: What's Demi Moore's secret to looking so sexy at age 45? Thank god Us Weekly is on the case because I've been wondering that myself for years. Finally, Us reveals Demi's real, all-natural beauty secret: leech therapy! Demi says that all you have to do is put leeches on your body and let them bite you because they detoxify your blood with enzymes in their little mouths. Demi advises putting the leeches into your belly button for best results. I'm going to try it! Demi always looks so great, especially her knees. She has the best fucking knees ever!

1. Urine therapy
Apparently, there's no need to ever have to buy another product, pill or health supplement after all—you've got your very own natural healing remedy available right now! Did you know your pee has all kinds of health benefits? Let it go on your feet when you're in the shower and bye-bye athlete's foot! Pour it on your arms and legs for sunburn relief! Best of all, you can treat everything from a hangover to heart disease to hepititis by drinking it! That's right: you can turn back the clock, cure what ails ya, prevent future breakouts and turn up the kink in your love life by taking a whizz in a cup and gulping it down. Believe me, I wish I was making this up. So the next time you feel the urge to go, don't let that all that healthful liquid go to waste! Piss in a jar and keep it on hand "just in case." You'll be glad you did! And so will all your friends!

Here comes your 19th nervous breakdown

"I'm a celebrity and I can do whatever the fuck I want!"

Immortal words from you, Blohan! You screamed these lines while on a coke-fueled bender that ended with you in cuffs by the end of the night and in a posh Club Rehab by the end of the week. Who do you think you are? Neeley O'Hara? If you've ever actually seen Valley of the Dolls you'll recall that after ripping the wig off the head of the woman who made her in a bathroom catfight, Neeley ended up drunk, strung out and sobbing in an alley, friendless, fanless and career in shambles.

This year, many celebs channeled their inner Neeleys with award-worthy meltdowns. Some actually had to pay for their actions. All were laughed at. Here are the years best and brightest.

13. Anna Nicole Smith
I've got big love for Anna Nicole. Poor thing ended up doing herself in after her son's death. My question is: whatever happened to her assistant Kimmy? I want to know where she is in all this. I'm actually kind of surprised she didn't come forward and claim to be Dannilynn's father.

12. Paris Hilton
Call me crazy, but I actually felt for this poor little simpleton when she was being toted away in the back of a police car sobbing like a poopy-pantsed toddler. I even felt a little bad for her when she wrote her fluffy little notes from prison, simpering about how frightened she was and how the bedsheets were itchy. But then when she sauntered out of the jail like she was walking a Heatherette show and then went right back to her uselessness. I was duped! Never again, Hilton, never again.

11. Joe Simpson
OK, so Jessica and Ashlee's creepy dad didn't actually have a breakdown, but he is so fucking ooky that there's no way he should be skulking among us. He is so hot for his own daughter that he will do anything to shine up her tarnished little star by foisting her upon us in horrible movie after horrible movie that all end up going straight to video. My guess is that he's got a basement full of heads, an attic full of dildoes and a few connections to missing kids, all who have dissed Miss Jessica at some point in the past. Next year, expect Ashlee and Wentz to disappear in the Rockys on a private flight.

10. Chris Crocker
This will be the last and final time I ever mention this douchebag on this blog because god only knows we should all immediately forget about "LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE! SHE'S NOT WELL RIGHT NOW! YOU'RE LUCKY SHE EVEN PERFORMED FOR YOU BASTARDS! WAAAAAAA!" even if it was pretty fucking funny the first time.

9. Vanilla Ice
The Surreal Life: Fame Games was destined to make TV history in some way. One of the most outstanding was Vanilla Ice's batshit breakdown when Ron Jeremy voted him off the show. He threw a total shit fit and destroyed the set, tossing drums at Ron's head and cymbals at a giant lit up "Vegas" sign. Stop, Rob! Collaborate and listen! You're bananas.

8. Jenny McCarthy
Jenny's been going around to all the requisite talk shows blaming her son's autism on his childhood vaccines. Don't forget this is the chick that got famous for picking her nose and eating it on a regular basis on MTV. (For the record, this bitch is an idiot and she is spreading dangerous conspiracy theories that are being validated by the likes of Oprah, Queen of the Hausfraus. Learn more here.)

7. Heather Mills
Late this year, the former Lady McCartney went on a frenzied smear campaign against the beloved Beatle. She claimed on any talk show that would have her that the guy that wrote the immortal lyric "The love you take is equal to the love you make" called her a "one-legged bitch" and drove her to suicidial thoughts. Her little Pity Party Media Tour only succeeded in making everyone hate her more.

6. Dog
I don't want to talk about it.

5. Owen Wilson
Poor Hansel! Who knew he was a tweaker? And who knew someone like Kate Hudson could have such a death grip on someone's manhood?

4. Lisa Nowak
Official announcement: starting in 2008, February 5 is Diaper Drive Day! Celebrate by donning some Huggies and driving from Houston to Orlando. No need to actually kidnap someone, but it does help to have a desperate crush on a hunky astronaut.

3. Blohan
Never minding the coke-fueled bender, frantic partying and speeding SUV chasings, what was up with her hooking up with that ugly dude in rehab? What was she thinking? Also, now she's boring. I never thought I'd want the crunked out Blohan back because I was so fucking sick of her over the summer, but I at least expected her to be knocked up before Ritchie. Someone needs to catch up.

2. Winehouse
I kind of love Amy Winehouse, sort of the same way I love Mary Kate Olsen. I just want to pick her up and put her in my pocket and keep her as my little pet. I'd comb her hair into a little tiny bouffant and draw little tiny Cleopatra batwings on her eyes. I'd give her little tiny hits of crack and take her to the little tiny jail so she can visit her crackhead husband Blake Fielder-Civil. But it wouldn't be my fault if she wandered around London at 5 in the morning in only a bra sobbing or being arrested for fraud, because she's little and tiny...AND CRAZY.

1. The most beautiful fall of them all
Ah, Britney. You've taken over my blog—your biggest accomplishment of '07. Among your other achievements this year, you:
• shaved your head and beat up cars with an umbrella,
• performed several "mini-concerts" by way of comeback and fucked all of them up royally,
• appeared on the VMAs in what was perhaps the most important show of your career and fucked it up royally,
• offered an exclusive, my-side-of-the-story interview to OK magazine and fucked it up royally,
• "fought" for custody of your kids and fucked it up royally,
• took your clothes off and romped in the Pacific for the paps in your bra and undies,
• exchanged clothes with strippers then puked all over yourself in the same night,
• got naked in a hot tub with some random frat specimen,
• performed multiple traffic violations, all captured on film,
• filed a restraining order against your mom,
• rambled incoherantly on your official website,
• made the lamest video ever,
and et cetera ad nauseum. Congrats, kook, and keep it up! I'm like Nero playing the fiddle while Rome falls through this beautiful disaster. Can't wait to see what '08 brings!

Super-scary-ass Halloween Hullaballoo 2!

And now for part two from my last post: the 13 Best Scary-Movie Bad Guys!

13. Billy Chapman (Silent Night, Deadly Night)
I saw this movie at a slumber party once and it scared the absolute shit out of me. I'm sure it was a horrible movie all around, if the premise is any indication: a boy sees his mom and dad brutally murdered by a dude in a Santa suit. So naturally, when he grows up, he starts killing people while dressed as Santa. Many a nightmare is had.
Best line: It's naughty to say bad things about old people. Santa Claus will punish you.

12. Patrick Bateman (American Psycho)
If there's anything scarier than a yuppie, it's a mentally unbalanced yuppie. Who likes to wax philosophical about "Sussudio", Whitney Houston's first album and "Hip to Be Square" while he axes other yuppies to death with nary a flinch. Not to mention, he moonwalks.
Best line: Try getting a reservaton at the Dorsia now, you fucking stupid bastard!

11. Freddy Kreuger (A Nightmare on Elm Street)/Chucky (Child's Play)
Because I love killers that say funny things before they slash someone to ribbons.
Best line: I'm your boyfriend now, Nancy.

10. Hannibal Lector (The Silence of the Lambs)
How can you not love Hannibal, the brilliant psychologist trapped in the body of a madman? While he became a bit of a parody of himself in later episodes, he still managed to win over audiences with his clever zingers and creative kills.
Best line: One more thing, Senator: love your suit.

9. Krug Stillo (The Last House on the Left)
It's a classic horror concept: two girls innocently trying to score some weed before a concert find themselves wrapped up with this freaky escaped convict and his gang. They are brutally killed, revenge is enacted by their parents, audiences are satisfied. But just try to get this chilling, low-budget film out of your head. Wes Craven's first movie.
Best line: You must think we're stupid right? No, we're not stupid. We might be horny old pigs, but, we ain't stupid.

8. Max Cady (Cape Fear)
Oh god, DeNiro. All pumped up. Sticking his thumb in Juliette Lewis's mouth. Quoting scripture. Beating up the thugs that were sent to rough him up. Smoking a cigar and laughing hysterically during a movie. All these crazy things, yes, but the part where he attacks Illeana Douglas is so horrible I can't even think about it.
Best line: Can I put my arm around you?

7. Norman Bates (Psycho)
"You see, when the mind houses two personalities, there's always a conflict, a battle. In Norman's case, the battle is over—and the dominant personality has won."
Best line: I think I must have one of those faces you can't help believing.

6. Jamie "Buffalo Bill" Gumb (The Silence of the Lambs)
Sure, Anthony Hopkins was brilliant, but Ted Levine was the real star psycho of this one. Each scene is intensely memorable, especially the infamous "junk tuck dance" sequence. Had I been trapped in a well in this guy's basement you better believe I would have dug a tunnel like a mole and gotten the fuck out of there.
Best line: Put the fucking lotion in the basket!

5. Count Orlok (Nosferatu)
You may not know that this character was only seen on film for a grand total of nine minutes, and yet he is one of the most famous and memorable monsters in movie history. Sweet Jesus, that was some scary-ass makeup!
Best line: [no lines; Nosferatu]

4. Captain Howdy (The Exorcist)
Who is Captain Howdy? Only Captain Howdy knows, but from what we've seen we can surmise that he is a bit of a schizophrenic, he can be summoned using a oujia board, he's quite good at impressions and he really, really, really hates crosses.
Best line: Your mother sucks cocks in hell!

3. Henry (Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer)
Michael Rooker plays a character loosely based on infamous slasher Henry Lee Lucas, a man who claimed to have killed anywhere between 2 and 300 people. This grainy film is unrelenting, and Rooker's performance as the most depraved person in a grotesquely depraved situation will leave you wanting to scrub off with bleach after watching it.
Best line: If you shoot someone in the head with a .45 every time you kill somebody, it becomes like your fingerprint, see? But if you strangle one, stab another, and one you cut up, and one you don't, then the police don't know what to do. They think you're four different people

2. Damien Thorn (The Omen)
Who would have ever believed a cherub-faced, English-accented little boy in short pants was the son of Satan? No, I'm not talking about Angus Young—it's Harvey Stevens as the cutest little sociopath you ever did see. He has no qualms about impaling a priest, beheading a journalist or even hacking up his own parents. In fact, he doesn't even have to do it—he mearly summons his minions to do the dirty work and just hangs out looking innocent.
Best line: [the smile at the very end of the movie]

1. Ben (Blue Velvet)
Frank was scary. Really scary. But it takes real skill to stand next to Dennis Hopper in kabuki makeup AND be singing a Roy Orbison song and make it one of the most unsettling performances ever recorded on film. There's something about Dean Stockwell, anyway—like, he reminds me of that senator that was having an affair with Chandra Levy.
Best line: Here's to your fuck, Frank.

Super-scary-ass Halloween Hullaballoo!

Whoopee! It's Halloween, my favorite time of year! Anyone going to Hell House? I think I'm just going to walk around Cowtown in complete disguise. I was thinking about going as bald Britney with an umbrella beating up cars, but it won't be complete unless I have my very own Chris Crocker following me around and screaming, "Leave her alone! She's not well right now!" I don't think I'm mentally prepared for that. So I'll probably just go as a ghost or Hatchet Face or something.

Anyway, while I think of a good costume, here's the first of two fun lists I've devised for you all honoring the 13 best scary-movie bad girls. Boo!

13. Cheryl Lang (Arlington Road)
This little-seen movie is actually super-underrated, in my humble opinion. I completely loved it and I think you should see it. Thus, I won't tell you why Cheryl is scary, other than that bitch is really up to something. And she's played by none other than Joan Cusack, which adds to the freak factor.
Best line: Couldn't find a good one, and I haven't seen it in a while. Sorry.

12. Annie Wilkes (Misery)
Kathy Bates is one of my favorite stars ever. She's just so fabulous. And in Misery, she's at the top of her game. At first you think, "Oh, how nice—she's a big fan of this poor author that she saved from certain death after a car accident!" And then the next thing you know, she's smashing his feet with a sledgehammer.
Best line: At the feedstore do I say, "Wally, give me a bag of that effin' pig feed, and a pound of that bitchly cow corn"? At the bank do I say, "Oh, Mrs. Malenger, here's one big bastard of a check, now give me some of your Christ-ing money!"

11. Hedda Carlson (Single White Female)
Poor Bridget Fonda. She's a successful power bitch who was just dumped by her cute yuppie boyfriend. What's a girl to do? Getting a roommate to move in to her posh loft seems like a good idea. But watch out; there are kooks out there. Like Jennifer Jason Leigh for example. She wants to be just like Bridget. In fact, she wants Bridget's whole life! Bye bye, doggie! Bye bye, boyfriend! She won't stop until she's a yuppie, too!
Best line: You know, identical twins are never really identical. There is always one that is prettier, and the other one does all the work.

10. The Blair Witch (The Blair Witch Project)
You never saw her, and you're never really sure if she's real. All you know about her is that she might just be an urban legend, but when people venture near her they find creepy stick people and piles of stones, lose their jawbones, get disembowled, and sometimes disappear forever.
Best line: [strange disembodied screaming]

9. Pamela Voorhees (Friday the 13th)
The actress who plays her looks exactly like my beloved high school art teacher who was just the sweetest person ever. If Mrs. B turned out to be a mad killer, I'd not only be shocked, but also intensely disappointed.
Best line: Kill her, Mommy! Kill her! Don't let her get away, Mommy! Don't let her live! I won't, Jason, I won't!

8. Pauline Parker/Juliet Hulme (Heavenly Creatures)
While not necessarily bad girls, these sweet-faced little Aussie BFFs have such an obsessive codependent relationship that you can't help but flinch. Also disturbing is that Melanie Lynskey and Kate Winslet (in her first role ever) portray real-life girls who offed one's mom so they could stay together forever. You can read about the true story at the Crime Library. Peter Jackson directs and the film is beautiful, if not completely depressing. The sheer amount of desperate sobbing will exhaust you.
Best line: The next time I write in this diary, Mother will be dead. How odd...yet how pleasing.

7. Samara Morgan (The Ring)
The little girl left for dead in a well comes back to make everyone else suffer. On top of it all, she plants a spooky-ass video precariously in the paths of innocents and then forces them to show others or face the consequences—she'll crawl through your TV and breaka ya face.
Best line: (in response to the line "You don't want to hurt anyone") But I do, and I'm sorry. It won't stop.

6. Minnie Castavet (Rosemary's Baby)
The other actor I love to bits is Ruth Gordon. She's in two of my favorite movies of all time. How absolutely brilliant to cast gleeful, fun-loving Maude as a gleeful, fun-loving devil worshipper.
Best line: He chose you, honey! From all the women in the world to be the mother of his only living son!

5. The Ghoul Man's Wife (Plan 9 From Outer Space)
Vampira is the super-hottest glamour ghoul of all-time and here she glams up one the notorious Ed Wood classic, oft called the worst movie of all time (until Lohan's new movie, that is).
Best line: [sexy, zombified lurching]

4. Rhoda Penmark (The Bad Seed)
Pure sociopaths are always scary. But when that unfeeling killer looks like Cindy Brady, it's just downright terrifying. Imagine a pigtailed girl who puts Kitty Karryall to bed then burns a snooping handyman alive. Patty McCormack as Rhoda was Samara before the writers of The Ring were even born.
Best line: You tell lies like that, you won't go to Heaven when you die!

3. Miss Gulch/The Wicked Witch of the West (The Wizard of Oz)
The green face, the pointy nose, the nicotine-stained teeth...her abject hatred for a cute little doggie. Shit, that was one creepy broad! Don't tell me she doesn't scare you to this day. I still can't watch that movie without having to turn away when she materializes out of that plume of red smoke and bosses around the winged monkey men.
Best line: Who ever thought a little girl like you could destroy my beautiful wickedness?

2. Baby Jane Hudson (What Ever Happened to Baby Jane?)
This one would be my number one if it weren't so campy. Bette Davis is just so over-the-top perfect as she torments a wheelchair-bound Mommie Dearest. She serves her dead pet birds to her for lunch under a silver dome then refuses to bring more food until she eats them, taunting, "I didn't bring your breakfast, because you didn't eat your din-din!" Awesome!
Best line: (in response to the line "You wouldn't be able to do these awful things to me if I weren't still in this chair.") But cha AAH, Blanche, ya AAH in that chair!

1. Asami Yamazaki (Ôdishon)
Was anyone able to make it through this movie? As big as a horror movie buff as I am, and I just couldn't do it. That was one crazy, fucked-up bitch! The lesson learned from this movie is to never hold an audition for a wife. That cute, demure little lady you set your eye on might be the type of girl to push needles right into your roaming eyeballs.
Best line: This wire can cut through meat and bone easily.