7/31/2006

Hell gets bedazzled

Nobody has ever accused me of being nice, and this is no doubt the meanest, most unprovoked post I've written to date. But I don't care. People need the facts in order to stop the modern-day black plague that is shitty fashion. You know what I'm talking about. The applique sweaters, the cropped leggings, the boxy jackets, the shapeless jumpers, grown adults wearing bib overalls—in fact, you may even think it is the norm, since about 75 percent of people I see on a daily basis are wearing shit like this. Not that it is necessarily their fault. If they are not guided properly, how can they make good fashion decisions? If shit is presented to them, then they will choose shit. Thus, I will not always blame the fashion victims. Most of the time it's the fashion perpetrators.

Now, applying that logic, get ready to meet the overlord of shitty fashion. Yes, that's her above and, yes, she's wearing a stuffed headband and a sweater emblazoned with bees. Her name is Jeanne Bice and she is the creator and "Head Quack" of the Quacker Factory clothing line. If you've never heard of this particular brand, you should feel good about that because it's probably because you don't park yourself in front of QVC for hours on end; that's where her line is exclusively sold. She may have a pretty sweet racket going on, but I think it's safe to say we won't be seeing Jeanne on the next cycle of "Project Runway", if you know what I'm saying. I'm saying she would definitely be out.

There is so much to make fun of about this company that I hardly know where to begin. How about at the beginning? Jeanne was just a regular housewife and kountry krafter until her hubby (Hubby Rick, by any chance?) encouraged her to start selling her wares. The result was a store disturbingly called "The Silent Women" and eventually spawned the demon child that is Quacker Factory. Jeanne's deal with QVC was, of course, an act of divine intervention. She says on her terrifying website, "I put a sign on the wall that said- "QVC - YES" and sat back and waited for god to do his job." Hmmm, maybe I should put a sign on my wall that says, "Quacker Factory - NO", but I honestly don't think god has the time to waste on petty miracles such as this...believe me, I've tried with the Ville requests. Apparantly, Jeanne Bice does not feel the same way.

But let's not waste our time on company history, when the shitastic clothes should be the real focal point here. First off, I must say that I have never understood the epidemic of grown, adult women who insist on wearing large versions of childrens' clothing. Pink jumpers, Pooh Bear sweatshirts, Precious Moments anything—it seems like the older some of these women get, the more juvenile their wardrobes become. I am holding Jeanne Bice personally responsible for encouraging this horrifying trend, as Quacker Factory clothing breaks all the such rules of age-appropriate clothing, as well as any other fashion don'ts that you can possibly think up.

One of my pet peeves are "novelty" tops and sweaters emblazoned with theme images, like pumpkins and leaves for fall/Halloween, doggies/kitties, and sometimes even full scenes, like kids having a snowball fight all across a sweater. Of course, this is a staple design element in Quacker Factory clothing. There are sweaters and sweatshirts featuring bunnies, lighthouses, laundry on a clothesline, smiling clowns with rainbows coming out of their asses. OK, I made that last one up, but you get the idea; if it's adorable and precious, it's going on the shirt! The motif is sometimes even carried through on matching pants and cardigans—little carrots all over for the bunnies, little anchors for the lighthouses, little socks for the clothesline—and then embellished within an inch of its' life with sequins, beads and glitter. Maybe a Michael's craft store exploded near the Quacker Factory or something, because I can't possibly imagine man or machine applying all that shit, but either way, the cutesy factor is bordering on terminal.

This company is also a big advocate of the granddaddy of all fashion faux pas (at least in my book): large tunic tops over leggings. I don't know where the idea was born that this hellish combo was a good idea for ANYONE, let alone heavy people, but this seems to be one horrid fashion "trend" that won't mercifully die. Why don't we bring back big shoulder pads while we're at it to complete that sexy Spongebob Squarepants sillohuette? Oh, wait! Quacker Factory already has! And they are presented on thin, young-ish models, which is totally false advertising. Get Jeanne on there to model it, for god sakes, not Gisele.

A friend made the brilliant observation that these clothes are not only heinously unstylish, but they are also de-sexualizing. Go ahead—visit the Quacker Factory website and see for yourself. You'll come away a whole new person after reading Jeanne's inspiring proverbs. Here are just a few under the header "How to Stay Young":

• Remember, there is no way you can look as bad as that person on your drivers license!
• Humpty Dumpty was pushed!
• Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay them.
• Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign country, but not to where the guilt is.

Wow, thanks Jeanne! I was sitting here with a gun in my mouth until I read that! Anyway, I'll spare you any more of the "inspiration" found on the site. Just know that it mainly consists of empty declarations to "Believe!" and "Sparkle!", eternally un-funny quotes about womanhood that probably came from the yellowing Cathy comic strips Jeanne has posted on her fridge and sexist encouragement to stay cheerful and do everything in life with a big Stepford smile on your face. Yes, put all your energy into believing in bon bons and leave all that stuff about cholesterol to the doctors.

If that's not bad enough, Jeanne has added "author" to her resume, with the publication of...get ready for it..."Pull Yourself Up By Your Bra Straps and Other Quacker Wisdom". I expect that this is basically just a collection of the above whimsical sayings for frumpy housewives to get their minds off their bratty kids and lazy husbands. God, how irritating—this woman is making a living distributing shitty fashion. And not just any shitty fashion...really, really bad, unstylish, unflattering, garish stuff that is making the world an uglier place. Jeanne Bice must be stopped! Where is Tim Gunn when we need him the most? Get this woman out immediately!

6 comments:

Lola said...

One of the best rants ever on one of the most heinous subjects.

"She's wearing a stuffed headband and a sweater emblazoned with bees"

Guess what you're getting for Christmas?

Xo L

karen said...

Maybe we should do a Quacker Factory fashion show for the Doo Dah parade next year and all show up in Jason's shop and scare him to death.

Either that, or make our own Quacker Factory halloween horror house!

little said...

what the fuck is up with those stuffed headbands? she's EVIL....as in fru-its of the dev-il! my mom got me a bedazzled martini glass t-shirt thinking how "cute" it would be for me to wear it on the boat in the summer....i'm taking suggestions on it's destruction...and then we should move onto her...she MUST be destroyed!

Sarah Bee said...

hi there, this is hilarious! I got linked here through google in attempting to understand the fuckery that is jeanne bice and really snaps to this litany of facts! amazing job :)

Angrymeatball said...

LMAO, I'm dying over here reading this rant over big, fat Jeanne Bice, the piewagon on QVC who hawks the ugliest clothing on planet Earth. I despise this human truck. She needs to be sweatin to the oldies with Richard Simmons and 100 other fatties. And have you seen her daughter? OMG,a closet lesbian -- a closet packed with polyester and Halloween sweatshirts I might add.

Where does she get off giving fashion advice to fat people? Yeah, like a size 24 woman needs to be wearing gigantic snowman sweatshirts. That ought to get your husband all hot, honey! My God, if you have a big ass, don't cover it with appliques and stars and glitter and 10 lbs. of shiny crap.

How about that wooden sign she puts on the QVC desk that says, "Believe"! Believe in what -- a 10-lb. Oreo?

The fact that this big piewagon is filthy rich only adds to my hell on earth. Why, why, why??? And let's not forget that enormous headband she is so famous for - you know she smuggles doughnuts in it. Someone, please inject a tranquilizer dart into her fat ass.

Thank you for this commentary. I love you for this. LMAO!

Anonymous said...

Well, I did have a good laugh over that rant and must agree with most of it. Hell, I've even bought some of that stuff in the past. I guess because I wear scrubs all day, some of the t-shirts were a little sparkly and jazzed up my ugly scrubs. But like her or not, the reality is that her stuff sells. If it didn't, believe me, the Q would have sent her packing. I would like to know why she wears that headband though! I have googled my fingers off and still can't find an answer. I guess you have to buy that Bra Stap book to get the answer. Although quirky, I admire her positive spirit and her "I don't give a crap what you think'" attitude.